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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Sooooo am I being selfish and not allowing dp to develop relationship with ds2?

26 replies

MamaMaiasaura · 25/01/2008 12:41

Am breastfeeding ds2 (4 weeks old) and am not expressing at all. DP says he is happy about this and we are in agreement that we are not going to express at all and that when ds2 is older he will wean onto a beaker. I did this with ds1 (different partner) and it worked really well. I didnt give ds1 a bottle or a dummy as he refused both.

I keep getting comments from my mum about allowing dp to feed the baby and also from my sister as she wants to babysit.

Am I being completely selfish to not wish to share the breastfeeding?

dp does do lots of things with and for baby, just not actual breastfeeding.

OP posts:
bobsmum · 25/01/2008 12:47

I personally wouldn't be expressing either at only 4 weeks. PLenty of time for that later on.

Your dp is happy, so why does your mum seem to think she knows his mind better than he does!?

Your dp sounds fab

Once you know that ds2 can go say 2/3 hours between feeds, your sister could babysit then - you'd have enough time to go out for a short meal locally or a quick shopping trip. But if your sister's that insistent then she'll have to fit around what suits you and ds2.

Ho hum- families - eh?

bobsmum · 25/01/2008 12:48

I personally wouldn't be expressing either at only 4 weeks. PLenty of time for that later on.

Your dp is happy, so why does your mum seem to think she knows his mind better than he does!?

Your dp sounds fab

Once you know that ds2 can go say 2/3 hours between feeds, your sister could babysit then - you'd have enough time to go out for a short meal locally or a quick shopping trip. But if your sister's that insistent then she'll have to fit around what suits you and ds2.

Ho hum- families - eh?

tiktok · 25/01/2008 12:54

Eh???? Selfish????

Whose needs are more important? A small baby who cannot express a preference, but whose preferences we know full well?

Or a grown up person who understands about time and patience and the fact that your sis will have another 14 or 15 years to babysit in, after your baby can go a bit longer between bfs.

I think this is incredibly selfish - putting a grown up's whim before the health needs of a baby.

Er...and whose baby is it in the first place?

VanillaPumpkin · 25/01/2008 12:56

FGS - Your baby is 4 weeks old. You are doing the very best thing for your baby. You have been here before and know it works. Your dh sounds fabulous.
Everyone else can just be a bit more patient!!!
Your sis can babysit your elder ds if she is so keen.
Your dp will be bonding beautifully with ds2. You don't need to feed to do this.
I did exactly what you are doing. The dd's ADORE their Daddy and he them. Bonding was not affected in the slightest.
Well done you! And congratulations on your ds2.

VanillaPumpkin · 25/01/2008 12:57

Sorry the FGS is at your mum and sis....

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 25/01/2008 13:04

mum & the sis in question didnt breastfeed. My sis feels i was too 'precious' with ds1 and tbh i was a little. I feel similarly over ds2 though. I will be happy leaving him when he is older but tbh I dont want to for a while and I am didnt go out much before in the evenings as have ds1.

I keep getting asked when dp is going out with baby on his own etc. Makes me feel uncomfortable that my family seem to think i am not sharing baby enough or should be wanting to leave baby.

I spend all day with him (naturally) and in the evenings I love being with him as he wakes up a bit more. I do make sure ds1 gets cuddles and helps and of course dp is really involved. Even so I stil love cuddling/caring for baby and am not chomping at the bit to get out etc... I have looked forward so much to his arrival and they are small for such a short time that i want to enjoy every moment of it.

OP posts:
quint · 25/01/2008 13:08

If you are happy and your DP is happy stuff the rest of them! They're obviously jealous and that is their problem not your.

Congrats by the way, enjoy your baby as you know they don;t stay babies for long

PortAndLemon · 25/01/2008 13:12

Let me check -- your sister thinks that you should abandon the arrangement that works for you, DP and DS2 because she wants to babysit? And she thinks you're being selfish?

You'll get to having 2, 3 or 4 hour gaps between feeds soon enough.

MrsEi25 · 25/01/2008 13:19

i had the exact same problem with my DHs family!! for the first 3 months of DDs life they constantly hounded me over when i was stopping BF as it was selfish to deprive them of the bonding experience...i just insisted on them bonding over a nice poo-filled nappy it went so far that i found myself being faced with DHs nan attempting to take the baby off me during a feed i flipped on her and was made to look like the unreasonable one for not letting her 'have a nurse' as i 'spend all day with her' none of the people who called me selfish actually BF themselves due to their choice or someone elses influence and so are shocked when other people decide to give it a go. if your DP is happy with the arrangement (even if he isnt TBH) you should continue as you know what is best for YOUR child
xx ei xx

VanillaPumpkin · 25/01/2008 13:45

You sound just like me! They were my babies. I was very precious over them and I don't care one jot who knows it. I am a great believer in it being impossible to spoil a baby. The first time I went out dd1 was about 2 months old. I went over the road for a drink and missed her like mad. DH called after an hour as she needed a feed and I was so glad to get home. That is just the way I felt. No right or wrong. FWIW I have still never left them over night and only twice for the day with someone other than DH. This is more to do with circumstances than anything else, but I don't understand the rush to 'get your life back'. I didn't want my life back. I wanted my new life caring for my amazing new baby the way I wanted to.
If you and your DP are happy that is all the matters, seriously!

Mungarra · 25/01/2008 14:10

As if feeding is the only way to bond with a baby. Why can't these people just give the baby a hug?

Often these people say they want to feed, then do it twice and get bored with it. I remember my 37 year old BIL making a big deal about giving DS1 a bottle - 'mum, take a picture of me feeding DS1'. Within five minutes he was telling DS1 to 'hurry up' because it was taking too long.

I'd tell them that it's nothing to do with them.

hertsnessex · 25/01/2008 14:14

go for it Awen, ignore them, sounds as though you are doing great.

cx

Habbibu · 25/01/2008 14:24

Good Lord - am very shocked for you, Awen. We did exactly the same - breastfed and then weaned onto a cup, and it took me months to let her out of my sight even with her father. You're being a mother -= and a very lovely one by the sounds of it.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 25/01/2008 14:26

Your partner can do alsorts of things with the baby to form a bond. Your sister the same. If DP and yourself are happy with the arrangement you have it is no one elses business. Yous sister's attitude has annoyed me. 4 weeks! My goodness, as if you would be going out and leaving the baby at 4 weeks.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 25/01/2008 14:27

all sorts

PrettyCandles · 25/01/2008 14:37

Your mum and your sister are irrelevant to this. It's about you, your baby and your dp. If he is happy with you exclusively bfing, then that's fine. End of story and they need to be politely told that it's none of their buisness.

Original poster
MamaMaiasaura · 25/01/2008 14:49

thanks. I do feel guilty for moaning about them because they dont actually understand bfing. I think they think they are trying to support us. i had pnd with ds1 and i think they are worried i will get it again. their logic is for me to have time away from baby. tbh them trying to get me to leave baby, express etc is more stressful. they also want to make sure dp gets time with ds2, which he does get anyway.

OP posts:
PortAndLemon · 25/01/2008 15:45

Ah, the well-known "tell them they are being selfish" cure for PND...

verylittlecarrot · 25/01/2008 16:23

Breastfeeding the baby? terribly selfish of you.

And while we're on the subject, I assume you carried the baby for 9 months without sharing the load, and then insisted on giving birth yourself too? You just can't help depriving everyone else, can you?

Tut.

Right now, your baby needs YOU. Not anyone else. He is not a communal piece of property, and you are not denying anyone else. Grownups sometimes astonish me with their childishness. You can hear the subtext of "new toy / I want it / my go / now - giimmeeeeeee!!!!!!".

You are right to enjoy these days, and you and your dp sound like you have it sussed.

You are NOT being selfish - they are!

VanillaPumpkin · 25/01/2008 16:32

If they are worried about PND and therefore want to help then can they not pick up the shopping for you?, push the hoover round?, cook a meal? bake you a cake? mind their own business ????

cmotdibbler · 25/01/2008 19:26

Dh was totally unworried about feeding DS - and I didn't go out in the evening for 6 months. In fact DH and I have been out together, leaving DS with a babysitter a grand total of twice in 20 months. We are both very happy with this.

sushistar · 25/01/2008 19:39

I'm only a new 1st time mum but I've been surprised at how much i want and need to be with my baby. I think us mums are DESIGNED to want to be with the baby all the time, because they NEED their mums. And it's natural to be 'precious' because you need to be precious with a new baby and acutely aware of their needs. It's just that our society seems to think it's a bad thing and we're being neurotic and 'obsessed' with the baby, or 'selfish', when actually we're just doing what nature intended.
Sounds to me like you're doing a brilliant job.

quickdrawmcgraw · 25/01/2008 22:47

As long as you're both happy with the situation then do whatever you feel is right. 4 weeks is still so young and there's no need to start expressing just yet.

I know how your mum is feeling though because I'm sure she's longing to be able to give the baby 'ultimate comfort' which feeding a baby can bring. Sounds as if she's using your dp as an excuse to get her chance. Can't blame her really as your ds is utterly adorable.

with dd I wanted to exclusively bf which I did and loved doing it. I did try to introduce a bottle and soother when she was 4 months but she refused both. It would have been fine because I wasn't interested in going out or leaving her at all but she then became very unsettled for a couple of months. The only thing that would settle her was bfing. DH could do nothing to help and felt utterly useless and also felt that he couldn't really bond with her as she was only ever truly happy when she was with me. At 8 months I was able to give her a bottle and he LOVED feeding her.
With ds I introduced a bottle of EBM at 6 weeks. 1oz a day from the bottle increasing it by 1oz every week. DH always fed ds this bottle and it was complete bliss for dh.

So even though each child was bf for the same amount of time I do think that dh enjoyed the first year more with ds than he had with dd and I still feel a little sad about that.

TheOldestCat · 26/01/2008 09:47

Congrats on your new baby, Awen! And pah to your relatives.

When I got the 'you're so selfish' for BFing attitude, I agreed - after all, I'd been incredibly selfish being pregnant since DH can't do that either. Us women, what are we like?

Bouncingturtle · 26/01/2008 10:33

Awen - you are sooo not being selfish. There are other ways your dp can bond with baby.
During the week, I get ds up at the same time as Dh, I make Dh's lunch and wash up so that he can have a cuddle with ds before he goes to work, and then we he comes home, he baths him while I sort tea out. He does help during the night as well.
I do express (and started at 2.5 weeks) but it was more for my convenience - he's feeding every 1.5 - 2 hours so dh giving him one lot of EBM gives me a chance to catch up on some sleep! This has worked well and has not affected my supply, but I guess everyone is different. I was advised by a friend who is bfing her 4mo to start expressing sooner rather than later, as there can be problems with baby not wanting to take from a bottle if you leave it to late. But I guess this advice might not be true for everyone.
As for your sister - guess she feels like she's trying to do you a favour, but she's not. If she hasn't bf herself I think it'll be hard for her to understand how time consuming bfing is - I have this problem with my friends - none of whom have bf.
At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel comfortable with - if you don't want to express yet (and it is a bit of a faff on at times!) then that's up to you. You hold ultimate veto on what to do with your baby!
Bfing for me is such a lovely intimate experience, I love looking at his little face when he is feeding, the look of utter absorption that he has, and the milky drunk look when he is is satsified. If Dh is around I pass ds on to him for winding so he feels like he is helping me with feeding as well.

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