3-4yo fussy eater. Tearing my hair out.

[bigbeautifulmonster]

Tonight's so-called "dinner" went like this: presented (just turned) 4yo with a new food (pumpkin risotto). Small portion to make it accessible. My 8mo happily tucked in and I had a bowl too.
Even though I knew 4yo's fussiness meant she was unlikely to want to try it I started off not saying anything or encouraging because I've been told no reaction is best 🤷‍♀️
After about 10 minutes (not sure) she still hadn't picked up her fork so I cheerfully said something like "are you going to try some dinner?", her reply was "I don't like it".
Me: "how do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?"
Her: "I just don't like it".
I stayed quiet again and kept eating my own and tried praising 8mo for eating, hoping 4yo would get the idea. After a while, well after 8mo and I had finished, I started to get all worked up inside even though I'm trying to stay calm. So I told her calmly "well it looks like you're not going to try it so maybe you won't eat any dinner tonight after all". She whined and said "no! I will try it!"

It went on like this for a while, still not trying or even picking up a fork. Some water maybe. I'm losing the plot inside but trying to stay calm. Then I suddenly lost my shit and thumped the table with my hand saying "eat your dinner. NOW!" She picked up her fork and consumed a grain of rice, looking really miserable. This was not the right way to do this, I know, but I'm honestly losing ideas of how to get this girl to eat.

Tonight, I know, was perhaps a more extreme version of what happens because it was a new food but even with familiar food that I know she likes, it's like she knows how to wind me up now and deliberately does anything to procrastinate eating. "I'll eat it soon"... "can I have some more water?" ... "I'll eat it SOON!!!" ... picks up empty fork and brushes it slowly against we mouth.
Yada yada. I'm so tired of this.

I've promised her favourite tv show if she eats in good time (even though I know I shouldn't), I've promised pudding if she eats all of her dinner (again, even though I know I shouldn't), I've tried leaving her to it on her own (I wondered if she was just using it as an attention thing), I feel like I've tried everything I should and shouldn't do and apart from actual shouting 😔 nothing seems to work. I'm usually a non-shouty person and rarely raise my voice but when I'm bottling up my frustration so much and because this issue has gone on for so long it just burst out of me tonight. I feel so awful.

I don't want her growing up with food issues but I feel like we're well on the way. Please help.

What will she eat? I would give her a small bowl of the new thing alongside something you know she'll eat so she doesn't go hungry.

I feel your pain!

I have a 3.5 year old. Honestly you need to not cajole/beg/scream. I know how hard it is.

Tonight- I don’t like pasta… in my head I’m thinking yes you fucking do you little numpty. I just said ok, and took it away. 10 minutes later, I’m hungry…

Do you want your pasta? Yes… pasta all eaten. The ONLY thing I’ve found that works is totally passive engagement.

Ahhhh totally relatable, my DD would just pasta if forced to. I introduce new food as a platter, eg on her plate she’ll have some pasta, cucumber, apple and the id add the pumpkin risotto, I make her try it etc.

its sooo sodding frustrating though!

DM once took me to the dr because I wouldn’t eat. The Dr turned to me and said ‘what is it you like to eat?’ I replied that I liked Rice Krispies so he turned to DM and said “let her eat Rice Krispies then’. So she did, every meal for a couple of weeks.

clearly the novelty wore off because I soon started eating!

I know you don’t want her to go to bed hungry, and you want her to eat what the family are eating, not be fussy, to eat balanced meals etc but if you let her quietly not eat and just say ‘right, are we all done?’ Then just clear the table and ignore the fact she hasn’t eaten,what does she do?

I would have offered something completely new, as a tiny portion or in a dish on the table that she could help herself to, alongside something familiar that you know she would eat. This takes the pressure off her having to eat the new food as her main meal, she can just try a taste and have some more if she likes it.

Also, some children really can't cope with "mixtures" - maybe you could try a deconstructed risotto, as in, a few pieces of pumpkin, some plain risotto, some cheese.

Thank you for the support.

Yes tonight I presented her with the new food alone because I honestly don't believe the "give new foods alongside familiar ones" theory works for her. Whenever I've done this she just plainly leaves behind the new food (if I'm lucky she may eat some of the familiar food).

So when you put new food with familiar food do your DC's seriously give the new food a go? (Why? I don't understand the theory behind it).

I know the shouting is more than bad. Tonight was an exception for that but meal time is, every single time, an absolute misery and I can't believe it's stressing me out so much. I'm actually crying as I write just thinking about it.

What does she eat? How fussy is she?

I know you don’t want her to go to bed hungry, and you want her to eat what the family are eating, not be fussy, to eat balanced meals etc but if you let her quietly not eat and just say ‘right, are we all done?’ Then just clear the table and ignore the fact she hasn’t eaten,what does she do?

She gets all upset and says "no! That's my dinner!" (or something along those lines)
Though she may be picking up on my tension by that stage.
Yes I've wondered what would happen if I literally let her be hungry. Like she needs to learn the hard way. But then she gets all upset if she knows that's the 'end' of dinner time. It's as if my incentives (eg fave tv show/pudding) don't have a time limit. I do have to end dinner time at some stage though because we're all so bored of sitting there. It's at that point I start to be more forceful. Yesterday I started giving 8mo some watermelon afterwards while we waited for 4yo to eat (we were about an hour in by this stage)

My 11 year old is still like this, super annoying but her palate is so bland, she'd happily live on chicken, white rice and ketchup for every meal.

(Sorry sent previous post too early)
She got all upset that 8mo got to eat watermelon but still couldn't compute that if she ate her dinner then she would get some. Even though I kept saying so (calmly).

Honestly, an hour is ridiculous. Put the plate in front of her, keep all interaction completely passive, give it 20 minutes, then take it away. If she makes a fuss tell her dinner time is over, and move on to the next phase of the evening. If she says she's hungry, offer the dinner. Rinse and repeat.

She eats for dinner though not every time:
Pizza (yugh). Has to be ham and cheese.

Pasta with veg sauce (that's prob the most nutritious thing she accepts) but won't have any other type of sauce or pasta.
Tomato soup with toast
Ham roll
Cheese roll
Ham and cheese quiche
In fact anything with ham and cheese in it. So do I just give her ham and cheese everything? Like the rice crispies idea mentioned earlier?
I'm focussing on dinner because that's the most hopeless. She's clearly tired at the end of of the day but there's not much I can do about that.

So when you put new food with familiar food do your DC's seriously give the new food a go? (Why? I don't understand the theory behind it)

I think the idea behind this approach is that at least she'll be eating something and as the pressure is off and it's not such an emotive battle she might just try some of the new food on her plate, even it's just by accident.

That's kind of what we do.
So it might take me and 8mo 20 minutes but if i try to take plate away she gets all upset. Process repeats. Therefore an hour

There is a fantastic book, First Bite by Bee Wilson, that talks about why children (and some adults) become fussy eaters, and what you can do about it. It's easy and entertaining to read.

Mine can be pretty fussy.

I give dinner, we eat ours, then if he’s finished I just take away and give desert.

I was getting way too stressed over it all

Desert is given regardless sit what he eats. It’s always just Greek yogurt and fruit anyway which I’m happy for him to have. Means if he hardly eats any dinner I give more yogurt and a fill fruit like banana as otherwise he will be even worse at bedtime as well if hungry.

I would deconstruct though in future. Give some butternut squash alone alongside other foods she likes. Get her trying rice alone etc, before you combine

The experiences of tonight, with the new food, happened similar to last night with her familiar pasta. I suppose I can live with the idea that she'll just eat ham and cheese all her life but it is the just sitting there without even touching her fork that is so infuriating and time consuming.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I really appreciate it. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

So she gets upset, you cave and give it back, and then it just goes on and on?

Don't cave. Dinner is over, move on. Letting it drag out just shows her that she's in charge. She's not! She's 4! She's not going to starve to death if she doesn't eat dinner for a few nights, but she might learn.

If she tries it, a good few mouthfuls, and doesn't like it, give her something else (easy and non-exciting, toast and a banana in our house) but if she doesn't even try it, just take the plate away.

Don't get in a fight. Fighting with her suggests that she might beat you, and that she might be a me to be in charge. She is not in charge! Take back control of the situation, stop letting it drag on for hours, and calmly assert yourself here as the adult.

The deconstruction idea is really interesting. I hadn't thought of that.

It's so great to see another idea. I feel like I read about "don't do xyz" but not enough about what TO do.

*be able to be in charge

From your list she likes tomato based, ham, cheese, pasta

So to go straight to butternut squash risotto seems a leap

Maybe:
Carbonara? It’s got the ham, pasta and cheese. The egg in it is a bit if nutrition. Add some peas on the side

lasagne?

plain cheesy risotto with ham in.

sausage casserole? Do tomato based, add butterbeans. If she eats you can start adding other things to try like small amount butternut squash

omlette with ham and cheese? If she eats that one, can try with other things another time

Rather than sitting with her for the full hour then taking the food away, have you tried just getting up after a reasonable time and leaving her to it? Sometimes when my 3.5 year old is refusing to eat (and his brother is finished and has got down from the table), I'll get up myself and start tidying the kitchen or something. More often than not he'll start eating it. Maybe it takes the pressure off? Depends on your home set up though - our kitchen / diner / living room is open plan, but it might be a bit miserable to leave them alone in one room.

I think maybe when you and 8mo have finished you can get down from the table together. If 4yo wants to stay there and eat her dinner just calmly leave her to it if she doesn't want you to take it away

Yes you're right in that it's a leap. We've tried her on many different foods that are a leap. But actually you have a point that does correlate with what others are saying in that when offering something new, do it gradually... like adding a new thing on the plate which doesn't touch the familiar stuff.
This is making some more sense to me now.

My DD is a fussy eater and only eats ham and cheese rolls, organix flapjacks, Suckies yoghurts, cucumbers, bananas and strawberries. (I am told she does eat other things at nursery but haven't seen it with my own eyes.)

I just give her a ham and cheese roll, cucumber sticks and a diluted apple juice while we eat our dinner. If she finishes it all she can have a yoghurt for pudding. She has the same thing every day and I can get it all ready before she gets home. I hate food waste so I just don't bother cooking extra for her.

It won't be forever and I figure it's healthy and balanced enough that she won't get scurvy. Occasionally she asks to try our dinner and I always give her some but I really can't be arsed having an argument with her every night so this way is easier.