3-4yo fussy eater. Tearing my hair out.

[bigbeautifulmonster]

Tonight's so-called "dinner" went like this: presented (just turned) 4yo with a new food (pumpkin risotto). Small portion to make it accessible. My 8mo happily tucked in and I had a bowl too.
Even though I knew 4yo's fussiness meant she was unlikely to want to try it I started off not saying anything or encouraging because I've been told no reaction is best 🤷‍♀️
After about 10 minutes (not sure) she still hadn't picked up her fork so I cheerfully said something like "are you going to try some dinner?", her reply was "I don't like it".
Me: "how do you know you don't like it if you don't try it?"
Her: "I just don't like it".
I stayed quiet again and kept eating my own and tried praising 8mo for eating, hoping 4yo would get the idea. After a while, well after 8mo and I had finished, I started to get all worked up inside even though I'm trying to stay calm. So I told her calmly "well it looks like you're not going to try it so maybe you won't eat any dinner tonight after all". She whined and said "no! I will try it!"

It went on like this for a while, still not trying or even picking up a fork. Some water maybe. I'm losing the plot inside but trying to stay calm. Then I suddenly lost my shit and thumped the table with my hand saying "eat your dinner. NOW!" She picked up her fork and consumed a grain of rice, looking really miserable. This was not the right way to do this, I know, but I'm honestly losing ideas of how to get this girl to eat.

Tonight, I know, was perhaps a more extreme version of what happens because it was a new food but even with familiar food that I know she likes, it's like she knows how to wind me up now and deliberately does anything to procrastinate eating. "I'll eat it soon"... "can I have some more water?" ... "I'll eat it SOON!!!" ... picks up empty fork and brushes it slowly against we mouth.
Yada yada. I'm so tired of this.

I've promised her favourite tv show if she eats in good time (even though I know I shouldn't), I've promised pudding if she eats all of her dinner (again, even though I know I shouldn't), I've tried leaving her to it on her own (I wondered if she was just using it as an attention thing), I feel like I've tried everything I should and shouldn't do and apart from actual shouting 😔 nothing seems to work. I'm usually a non-shouty person and rarely raise my voice but when I'm bottling up my frustration so much and because this issue has gone on for so long it just burst out of me tonight. I feel so awful.

I don't want her growing up with food issues but I feel like we're well on the way. Please help.

Lots of sympathy OP, I have been there and can't even describe how much I used to dread mealtimes from the age of 1 until around 3/4. We had good and bad patches but it was generally an all round stressful experience.

I desperately tried follow all the same principles as you but had days when I would lose it/end up bribing/turn on the TV while feeding her

My dilemma was that if I was firm and didn't offer alternatives, she simply did not eat and was a grumpy nightmare all the time. If I made her pasta daily then I had a happier child but one who only ate a couple of meals. Felt like I just couldn't win.

How is yours at nursery? Mine did used to eat in childcare and this certainly helped as it confirmed our issues were behavioural rather than sensory/texture issues.

All I can say is that it has somehow improved over time. The big change was when she started school and I noticed a few months ago that she eats most things and meal times are not stressful anymore. She will still guzzle a bowl of pasta much faster than any other meal but will generally eat anything I made and has developed an understanding of why certain food is good for us.

I hope it improves for you soon, don't give up hope

@MolliciousIntent thank you so much- you are talking some sense into me now!
You're right. A tantrum after dinner and some hunger might just be what's needed to snap us out of this tedious rigmarole.

Thank you all so much for the support. It is so comforting to read others' stories.

@11stonesomething thank you- yes I'm exhausted too. Doesn't help the situation.

Invest in an hourglass. When the time runs out, the food gets taken away.

When DS got fussier between 2.5-3ish we also did the mix of familiar foods and new foods, but allowed him to serve himself from dishes in the middle of the table. I was genuinely shocked at how much more he was willing to try this way when the pressure to just eat what was put on his plate was taken away. Happily eats anything and everything now.

Pumpkin risotto isn't really a food most young children would like, I know mine wouldn't even touch it and he eats fairly well! It's a shame you shouted at her and wouldn't let her have any melon because of it...you shouldn't put a brand new food Infront of her and nothing that you know she likes and then get angry at her - you are going to make her dislike mealtimes.

my DSD would eat rice and pumpkin purée but definitely not pumpkin risotto. She might even choose to stir them together . (The first time she choose to stir the food on her plate I cheered loudly inside!)
Some kids don’t like mixed up food. If she’s willing to eat a variety of healthy foods that’s not bad already!

Mine was unbelievably fussy, basically only eat chicken and chips. It was a lot of persevering but I started to offer chicken and chips in various forms.. So we had pasta and he had the chicken out of it, cooked a roast and to start with it was only the roast chicken he would eat, eventually had gravy, then a Yorkshire, then one day tried a roast 'chip'. 😂 It really took him until he was 5 to be able to talk and explain about food and now I can get him to try a whole variety of food. The fussy days feel like a real distant memory now thankfully! (I never believed people when they said they won't always be fussy but it is true!)