Full Weaning vs. Night Weaning what are your experiences?

[LGBirmingham]

Just that really.

DS is 15 months old and eats solids very well. He doesn't take any milk at all at nursery and does fine there 3 days a week.

I had hoped to keep breastfeeding until he self weaned or was at least two but I've started to really resent the breastfeeding. In the day I feel like he is using me as a drink and snack bar as soon as he is hungry or thirsty if there isn't another alternative and I'm feeling annoyed by it. I don't resent the feeds for comfort, such as the one straight after nursery as it feels like there is a genuine need for that one. In the night he can only wake once or twice and go quickly back to sleep which isn't so bad but on a bad night it can involve around 4 wakes and sometimes it feels like he is really dragging it out, suckling for 40 mins or something ridiculous. I just feel done with it.

From what I've read it is really beneficial to breastfeed until they are two if you can but the way things are now I just want to throw in the towel. I'm not sure where to start? I also wonder if we successfully nightweaned would I feel differently and be able to keep the day feeding going which would still give him the benefits of breastfeeding? I appreciate that nightweaning might not stop the nightwaking, but I'm wondering if it might make it possible for DH to get involved again. Until about 6 months he used to be able to take care of some of the night wakes and settle him with a bottle and DS would fall asleep in his arms, but that just stopped working and DS wouldn't go back to sleep and would just get very upset.

Anyone have any words of wisdom from their own experience? We won't be doing controlled crying/similar as it's just not for us, although I can empathise with the levels of sleep deprivation that drive people to take this option.

Night weaned my first at a similar age, and my second earlier, 9/10mo I think. Bf first til 2.5 and still going with second at 3.5 so I would say that night weaning helped it remain acceptable/ enjoyable to me. Would be happy for her to self wean now but equally it’s just a feed every few days now and no bother to me so I’m happy to wait til she’s fully done. It’s not ideological though - if I felt I’d had enough, I would’ve stopped sooner. Either way, you’ve given him lots of health benefits with what you have done so far. The main bit I like about extended bf is the instant soothing and cuddles, and knowing they get antibodies from me. The pair of them are never far from a cold though so I feel I was sold a lie on them having better immune systems! Anyhoo. I’d say just do what feels comfortable for you, and that will include how you think he will react. Some kids are very upset to stop and others less so.

Thanks for your response @Barrawarra. That's very promising that nightweaning made it work for you to carry on breastfeeding for longer. How did you go about nightweaning may I ask? We're your Children very upset by it or did they take it ok?

At the moment I definitely don't think DS would wean of his own volition. He absolutely loves it. It's just overwhelming for me as it is now. It might not be if we could reign it back in a bit.

Slightly different experience. We night weaned at roughly the same age as I was also feeling touched out. I was hoping to carry on day feeds, but night weaning seemed to tip DS into just losing interest completely. I was a bit sad about it (I had wanted to carry on to 2), but overall kind of glad the decision was taken out of my hands.

It’s hard when it seems so important to them but feels too much for you, but sounds like you are right to listen to your feelings on it, you are an important part of the pair!

Both times was cold turkey and got DH to do it, he went in for first 3 nights and soothed them. With the first particularly I was so worried how she might feel rejected in some way, or not understand. Once it came to me comforting her at night with no milk I was relieved to see clearly that she was angry with me, but not traumatised. It kind of increased my confidence in my skills to soothe her - til then boob was my main method! She just needed me to accept she was a bit raging with it all and then very quickly she didn’t expect it. I find that in general, they take cues from us on what will happen, if we go with long night feeds, then they expect it. Second child we did gradual withdrawal sleep training at the same time. I was very anti this first time but found this a supportive method and knew I could not wait 3 years again to get a reliable nights’ sleep. Good luck!

I breastfed both of mine till they were 3.5 years old, but night-weaned at around 12 months, because I just couldn't cope with feeding them 4-6 times a night.

We had a few night of hell while DH went to them every single time, so they couldn't feed and I couldn't give in to them, but then they settled and appeared to decide it wasn't worth waking up for the bottle of water that was all DH would offer them.

I night weaned at 9 months using controlled crying. Best thing we did. The kids slept better and so did we. They do still wake now and again but if they do something is wrong like they've kicked their duvet off.

Other than that, in the day time wear less accessible clothing and distract with small snacks / drinks. They're old enough now that you can set the times you're prepared to feed and that's it.

By this age I was down to just morning and bedtime feeds with my second and she self weaned at 17 months.

I feel your pain.

I might weaned DC at 10th as was going back to 13hr shifts (Inc nights) & needed some sleep.

I used the Jay Gordon method (gentle sleep changes in the family bed) but did not do it in our bed simply because DC were in a cot.

IIRC it took 3 nights. DC was FURIOUS on night 1. I knew they were full, safe, clean, warm & loved. They were simply livid. It got easier. It was a gentle method & DC were never alone and my hand was on them the whole time. I would do it again.

I BF for almost 3yrs. I just needed some sleep. You start by picking 6hrs when you won't feed. For me it was 1200-0600, the. You gradually increase so eventually it was sort of 2100-0600 & finally 1900-0600 but they were much older then.

Good luck OP. You're not alone.

www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

This might not be what you want to hear but self weaning for DS1 was over 4 years old.

I weaned DS2 because I was pregnant and hated the sensation. It was instant relief - I was so glad to have done it. I didn't regret for a second not letting him self wean.

I always feel like milestones are a bit silly -there are benefits to breastfeeding, those benefits are there at 15 months and they don't go away at 25 months. The only reason they exist is research but if you researched every possible length of breastfeeding you would probably find that the benefits exist no matter how long you feed for and they probably increase slightly for the longer you feed. To me my comfort was key, when I didn't feel comfortable with it any more it was time for it to go and I think that's very important to keep an eye out for. There is no sense martyring yourself to get to some milestone. Start with nights if you think that will make the biggest difference. But do make a change if you feel you are ready to.

These are very good points @BertieBotts. I am starting to have had enough of it. I think it is time to slowly begin fully weaning. I don't dislike it to the extent that it has to happen tomorrow.

I'm thinking I start by setting some limits in the day time. Not sure what they should be though? Anyone have any guidance where to begin?

Then night weaning and then fully weaning. I will check out this Jay Gordon method. Is it not more confusing for them getting milk at some wakes and not others though?

When I weaned DS2 (he was older) I first stopped offering in the day and if he asked I said you can have some at nap time. If he didn't ask I didn't offer it. If he was really upset (hurt) I might have offered but it didn't come up.

He got used to that and then I started stretching out the gap between going in to him at night and actually starting to feed him. I also got a bit strict with myself about bringing him into bed, so I would only bring him into bed after a certain hour and not before then. This all seemed to help and he would go back to sleep with a cuddle at night.

I noticed that at night I would cuddle him with his head near my right boob whereas at bedtime I'd feed him from the left most often, so consciously, I decided to do this on purpose, so that only the right was producing. It also meant that some nights I could cuddle him on the left side and he would get quite sleepy there so that was useful as after a while when I decided to just stop I could cuddle him on that side and he knew it meant no milk.

There was a bit of crying - sometimes he'd ask for milk and I'd say not right now, but you can have a (milky) cuddle and he'd be sad about it but he would accept comfort from the cuddle and he would fall asleep.

@LGBirmingham

I'm thinking I start by setting some limits in the day time. Not sure what they should be though? Anyone have any guidance where to begin?

Then night weaning and then fully weaning. I will check out this Jay Gordon method. Is it not more confusing for them getting milk at some wakes and not others though?

Have a think about what things are bothering you and start there.

It could be that breastfeeding only happens at home and so you refuse if you're out the house.

It could be that you set the times when you offer the milk and refuse at all others.

For me, I was keen to stop wearing feeding friendly clothes so breastfeeds could only happen in the morning and night before I was dressed / after I was undressed.

Thanks for your messages @Twizbe and @BertieBotts the last two nights I found myself spontaneously doing this Jay Gordon method. First night he woke 3 times but didn't get upset for too long after I stopped feeding him the first two times, but the third time I was up for an hour and a half with him crying off and on . Last night he woke only an hour and half after bed and refused dh going to him. I fed him then spent 20mins cuddling and singing to him til he calmed down and went back to sleep, then he didn't wake up til the morning!

I realised whilst I was holding my upset baby that I wasn't stressed or anxious about it and it felt a huge relief to not be breastfeeding him. Which definitely shows I'm ready to dial back the feeding. Although this morning I feel quite guilty as he was very upset, like I hope I haven't damaged him? Is this normal?

No I don't think you've damaged him. It's OK for him to be upset by a change that is happening, it doesn't mean that it's traumatic. I think the way you feel in the night is really clear and strong, and I would hang onto that.

I get that guilt when they are upset about a decision you have made for your benefit. But they will be upset about many decisions that we make. They are upset when we take away a "toy" (that is really a dangerous object), they are upset when something ends (and we know that really they will be hungry/tired soon), they are upset when we say they can only have two sweets (to protect their teeth). Understand that your mental health and comfort is just as important as their safety and their routine and dental health. Allow yourself to be a priority. Just because you could fix this particular upset by giving in, it doesn't mean that you should. Try to embrace and accept the feelings without feeling the need to fix them (if that's too hard, acknowledge that you want to fix it but put that to the side for now). You're allowed to make a change and he is allowed to be upset about it - it is hard to have a new routine, but he will get through it.

If you want to continue breastfeeding until 2 it is possible to do this whilst also setting some boundaries. There will be some protest initially to change but if you are consistent they will get the hang of it.

I reduced to one morning and one evening feed from 11months and just stopped completely (DS is nearly two). Night feeds were dropped gradually from 2-1-0 over quite a few months. Good luck

Hi, hope you don’t mind me picking this thread up. I’m in the same situation with my 14 month old and so ready to stop breastfeeding, but dreading his possible reaction and keep panicking that it won’t work and I’ll be feeding him forever! We’re doing it next week as my husband needed to take time off for the inevitably challenging nights we’ll be having.

I feel like cold turkey is the only way to go with him as he wants to feed all the time day and night but recognise that this could be hard on both of us. But if I decided to night or day wean, would he get it? I feel like somehow, If I kept one or two feeds, we’d end up sliding back to feeding all the time and I can’t get my head around how setting boundaries works at all!

I wouldn't advise cold turkey as you could end up with mastitis which can be really unpleasant.

Tips for day time - try and keep away from the area you usually feed (eg particular corner of sofa). Consider clothing choices so harder for little ones to grab at. Distract with snacks TV go outdoors whatever you can!

In terms of nights - decide on a gap between feeds that you are comfortable with. I started doing 3 hours minimum gap. There may be some protest initially at the change.

I would personally drop one feed at a time. Decide on the one you think might be easiest to distract them from. May be day or night. I know if feels impossible right now but they do get the hang of it. The key thing is consistency. Good luck!

Thanks @becca3210 - I do get the whole one feed at a time thing but he is a total boob monster and there’s no pattern to feeds at all so I can’t really envisage it - perhaps it’s setting times like you suggest for the night! We all recently had covid and I think the illness plus being stuck at home has made it worse then ever and I have no energy or resilience to try and resist his demands. I wish I did! I am a bit worried about mastitis but I don’t feed all day when I’m at work 3 days a week and I’m ok so thought it would be ok potentially if I expressed a bit to relieve any real discomfort - maybe not though!

That's good that your body has adapted for those three days. Suggests you may be ok then to have some longer gaps between feeds if that's what you want. Remember it is ok to say no to feeds and set some boundaries you have done amazingly to get this far.

Encouraging a comforter/soft toy may help as a replacement. That's what helped my nearly two year old to stop breastfeeding completely recently as well as milk in a cup in front of the TV 😂 Good luck

@Corilee2806

Hi, hope you don’t mind me picking this thread up. I’m in the same situation with my 14 month old and so ready to stop breastfeeding, but dreading his possible reaction and keep panicking that it won’t work and I’ll be feeding him forever! We’re doing it next week as my husband needed to take time off for the inevitably challenging nights we’ll be having.

I feel like cold turkey is the only way to go with him as he wants to feed all the time day and night but recognise that this could be hard on both of us. But if I decided to night or day wean, would he get it? I feel like somehow, If I kept one or two feeds, we’d end up sliding back to feeding all the time and I can’t get my head around how setting boundaries works at all!

I would really recommend night weaning first before just going cold turkey. So far it's been about 100% easier than I thought it would be!

We're maybe on night 4 now of not feeding during the night following the Jay Gordon method a previous poster shared. However we don't cosleep, he's on a floor bed and I've not picked a seven hour window he's just not being fed anytime before 4, after that point I'd rather offer a feed than risk a very early start to the day.

I've been the one to comfort him as recommended by Lindsay Hookway in her book 'Still awake' who I think is fab. The last 3 nights he's only woken once. Admittedly if it is before and I don't offer a feed it can take a long time to get him back to sleep, I think because he's usually had at least 8 hours of sleep by that point so isn't that tired. But I feel much less overwhelmed by feeding in general.

The only limit I've placed in the day atm is nit feeding out of the house. But tbh he rarely does that anyway. When he's more used to not feeding at night and doesn't get too upset about it anymore I will look at more limits in the daytime.

I promise it will get easier for you too

We also had no pattern to feeds. Nights were very variable, some times waking once, sometimes 6 times. I think that's why just not feeding before 4 am is working. There's no pattern for us in the day either. I think when I set limits in the day it might be no feeds between wake up and lunch first of all.

Thanks all, really helpful advice! We’re starting next week and I’m so nervous. Yesterday I wore a really fitted high necked dress to see if that would help in difficulty of access and also my resolve not to feed him as often in the day if it was harder to do, but I still just found myself giving in because he was screaming and impossible to distract for longer than a few seconds - it’s like once he’s got it in his mind it’s impossible to make him forget, I know that will get better in time though if we are consistent. We were at home though so thinking we just need to get out and about as much as possible during the process as that helps him think about it less. Going to rope in as much family support as well as my husband as suspect he is going to be very resistant!

Have you tried offering a drink and/or snack before feeding? I find sometimes my son is just really thirsty and giving him his cup can be enough.

Let us know how you get on