Expressing breastmilk keeping me away from my baby

[Correlation]

My baby is nearly 3 weeks old. I should start by saying I had an extremely traumatic birth experience where I lost 2.5litres of blood and had 3rd degree tearing. Thank god my baby was fine but I certainly wasn't.
I started breastfeeding her straight away but it was always really painful and I ended up with completely cracked, bleeding, scabby nipples (sorry if tmi) and my baby wasn't gaining weight. It was identified that she had a tongue tie and this was cut at 5 days old but it still didn't resolve things and my baby would still get really distressed (screaming crying, red faced) and exhausted trying to get milk from my breasts. Meanwhile I was in agony and in tears all the time. I introduced formula and immediately she was satisfied and started to gain weight. I felt guilty for not having tried this sooner. However, I also wanted her to benefit from some breast milk so I started expressing about 3-4 times a day so she has been on about 60/40 formula/breastmilk since 5 days old. She is now almost 3 weeks and I'm feeling the strain of expressing because it means sitting up in the middle of the night and morning and losing time with her. It also only works if she's either asleep or my husband can hold her while I pump. I would like to move to formula only but feel such an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure about doing so. I want her to have the best but I also want her to have quality time with me and I want to be free to pick her up and hold her whenever, rather than be chained to a pump.
On top of this I feel that I am quite traumatised from the horrific birth and I obviously haven't had time to deal with this yet. I cry a lot still and sometimes feel afraid of my baby waking up as I know she will naturally cry because it reminds me of the early days of trying to breastfeed her through my pain and both of our suffering.

What would you do if you were me? Thanks in advance for your replies.

I would stop expressing.
There’s no guilt to be had in formula feeding. At least you’re feeding the baby.
I fully understand how you feel.
I had an EMC under general at 31 weeks and tried my absolute damndest to express for her while she was in the NICU. A midwife found me crying one day and told me (quite firmly) to stop, to stop putting my body through more trauma and that formula is fine!! Which, so it is!
Also it’s no one’s business how you feed your baby!

Hi, just to say I'm sorry that you had this birth experience. It's really a lot to deal with and you are right to say you need time to process it.

I had a similar experience. I fought and fought to breastfeed to the detriment of my mental health. I ended up with PND. Obviously not saying this will happen to you but when I look back now I wish I had stopped breastfeeding and spent more time with my baby.

My second child had an easy birth and I bf until she was 16 months old, so I am very pro bf, but not when it is having profound consequences on your ability to recover and learn about being a mother.

For what it's worth, once your child is 1 or 2 noone will give a diddly about how you fed them so I say do what keeps you sane.

Sending thoughts. Been where you are x

I don't have any suggestions about the feeding, sorry.

The details you gave of your birth were very similar to mine and I've just finished doing EMDR to help process the trauma, it has helped massively. I would say that I've harboured the trauma for a decade which I probably wouldn't recommend but you may want to come through the other side of the feeding/healing etc before you tackle it. It is (quite literally) very raw right now.

I would stop expressing. I did it for 6 months with DA but we were mainly in hospital so it was easy. With the twins o managed 4 233ks to get them to term. That was my line. But like you, it meant time I couldn't be holding them and just enjoy them. I was constantly aware of if I should be expressing now or if there would be enough. I wish I'd been kinder to myself.

They went on full formula at 4 weeks and you know what? They didn't care. Warm and safe and loved and fed.

Hi,
I also had a traumatic birth and my son failed to breastfeed, but breastfeeding was so pushed by the staff I almost didn’t know formula was an option, and he ended up losing weight and going into intensive care.
They ended up putting me on these old fashioned milking machines that looked like something out of the Soviet Union in the 1950’s.
Eventually I put my foot down and insisted on formula and he put on weight and we were released (escaped).
Once home, when feeling better and more relaxed I did about 60% formula 40% breast for 8 months, I would strongly advise not to stress about breastfeeding, use formula, get better, enjoy your baby; I think breastfeeding advice should take into account traumatic births more.

Thank you for the supportive replies. It helps to hear that I don't have to carry on. I'm sorry to hear about others' difficult birth experiences.

I was going to look into some kind of trauma therapy and have heard a bit about EMDR so once I get some time back later on I will look into this.

@Liervik I did try to go back to breastfeeding instead of expressing and thought I'd give it the best chance by doing it at 2am when I produce the most milk but it still ended up with both of us in pain/distressed and she was still extremely hungry and screaming with it. I know I could probably try to seek more help for this given that she did have tongue tie , but would it really be worth it if I know I can't go back to ebf and would only be looking to bf a couple of times a day? It could also do my state of mind more harm than good as each bad feeding experience with her causes me such emotional pain as well as physical. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Of course it would be great if bf worked for me and my baby - I wish I could but need to be realistic..

Just stop. Honestly it's not worth it. Bfing didn't work for me or my 1st DC. I got so latched on to the fact that breast milk is best I was driving myself crazy trying to get him to feed or express enough. Pumps don't work for me, I ended up hand expressing. It was utterly ridiculous and completely not worth the stress I put myself through for 6 months. There is nothing wrong with formula.

Stop expressing (if you want to), and just leave the stress behind. There's enough stress with a first baby don't tie yourself in knots for something that in the grand scheme of things doesn't really matter.

The only “right” way to feed your baby is the one that means you are both healthy and happy. It’s admirable that you are willing to put yourself through such lengths to try and breastfeed your baby, but I would say it’s really not necessary. If your little one would thrive and be happy on just formula alone, then go for that. Much better for baby to have a happy and well rested mum.

OP, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It feels like I wrote your post.

Firstly, I am pro breastfeeding. I wanted to do it more than anything.

But I have had 2 premature babies (32 and 33 weeks), born too early to breastfeed, so I expressed milk. I never managed to get breastfeeding to work for us.

My DD (2015) had exclusively expressed milk for 7 months. I am very proud of that. I’d put that achievement high on my life achievements. But, it was hell. I had to express when she was sound asleep, so Daddy did most of her feeds as my expressing times never matched. I couldn’t wake for both. I would have to go and pump in random places, again, taking me away from DD. And I’d have to leave her screaming whilst I expressed. I found it frustrating. It also limited when we could go out - I’ve expressed on benches, in bus shelters, in the car. It was hard.

I then got PND when I stopped expressing. Probably a mixture of hormone issues and also, I pushed myself too far.

I had DS in October last year (he’s 6 months now). I expressed for about 3.5 months and stopped. I did not want to battle through expressing again. I looked after my mental health this time, I wanted feeding to be a positive experience.

I don’t feel guilty. I did my best. I’m happy, and so is DS. I’ve made the right decision for me. But I only reached this mindset after my second baby. First time round, I was literally distraught about not being able to breastfeed.

Best wishes with whatever you decide. But I think nothing is more important than “Happy Mum, happy baby”. They are only babies for such a small amount of time, you want to look back on it all fondly. Lots of love to you xx

@Correlation

I would like to move to formula only but feel such an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure about doing so. I want her to have the best but I also want her to have quality time with me and I want to be free to pick her up and hold her whenever, rather than be chained to a pump.

If you want to stop breastfeeding you can. If you want to seek professional help to continue breastfeeding you can.

You need to do what is best for you as well as your baby. Please don’t feel guilty or that you are a failure because you most definitely are not!

Life is far too short to feel guilty about things you cannot change.
Your baby will be fine on formula, she won't have a constantly tense and weepy mother which could do her real harm emotionally, you will have time to heal and more time to spend with her.
It's a no brainer really.
I had to give up breastfeeding, it was just too much to cope with having to go back to work at 6 weeks and quite honestly I felt a calmer less anxious mum would be better for my baby than flogging myself with guilt.

Hello @Correlation

Congratulations on the birth of your little one. You did an amazing thing. I am so sorry your birth was traumatic.

I had a traumatic birth and couldn't breastfeed due to a very bruised baby (forceps). I expressed for 9 weeks and felt completely liberated when I stopped. It took over my day, I was attached to the pump so much of the time and it was only me putting pressure on myself to carry on. Once I stopped I got to enjoy motherhood so much more.

Whatever you choose to do, just remember you need to be happy too.

I hear you.

Everyone means well and if you want to stop, do.

But personally I didn’t want to. I had to stop when I was ready to.

I agree with everyone who says don't feel guilty if expressing just isn't working for you.

There are some good pumps out there that are less restrictive. I had to go back to work early on so I got a pump that slid inside my top. It was hands free and I could just work at my desk while pumping at the same time, I could do a bit of housework and pump too. I think it is called elvie? If you really don't want to stop it might be worth trying - they are expensive but you can sometimes get them second hand sterilized.

@Correlation congratulations on the new baby, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Ultimately only you can make the decision on feeding, I had issues with my daughter (born last May with a tongue tie too) and we have mixed fed. The lady who did our tongue tie was a lactation consultant and she showed me the koala hold which changed my breastfeeding journey (my daughter had a high roof of her mouth so standard feeding positions were not working for us). It's worth having a look at it if you still wanted to feed.
I questioned many times every day whether I should move to formula and really beat myself up and even though people around me were supportive of formula my stubbornness made me want to continue breastfeeding. In the end I stuck with mixed feeding and stopped trying to express on top of this, as she has weaned I have gradually have dropped the formula and she still breastfeeds now at 11 months.

Hesitant to add this as I don't want to add to any pressure to bf, but posting as it may give some optimism, no judgement whatsoever, I was formula fed as a baby.. My dd was combi fed like yours and at about 3 weeks i started trying to breastfeed again, think it worked well in rugby hold straight after pumping. She figured it out and we then exclusively bf. Literally only sharing this as our situations are similar although my birth wasn't as traumatic as yours. Will also add that the worry and guilt you feel will pass, this is SUCH an emotional time, be kind to yourself as you need it more than ever

Thank you all for the support and suggestions and for sharing your experiences. I feel less anxious and alone reading your responses. Much appreciated xx

Just another vote for just stopping if its too much. I expressed for 5 weeks for premature DD until it became not worth it as I was barely getting a full feed for her. Similar blood loss at birth so milk took ages to come in. Expressing made me absolutely miserable. I'm glad I did it for DD but also glad I stopped when I did, like you I was starting to feel shit about not actually spending my time with my baby and DH was doing all the feeds/bonding whilst I sat upstairs crying with the pump strapped to me. What helped me stop emotionally was just cutting out sessions gradually until I wasn't doing any at all by which point life was so much happier I didn't feel so guilty.

To update, I tried to breastfeed her a couple of times since posting my OP - both times she was latched and sucking for an hour but still ended up screaming with hunger and hot and exhausted. It was also distressing for me, so it's not a viable alternative to pumping unfortunately. I think I am going to just switch to full formula feeding as I don't want a distressed baby, I don't want to be depressed (I felt so low and useless after the breastfeeding attempts yesterday) and I don't want to be some sort of martyr by persevering with something I think doesn't work for us.
Thanks again for your help and suggestions everyone.

It’s amazing she is latching well and I wonder if you could start trying her on the breast after she’s had a bottle - maybe an hour or so after so she can suck for comfort and not be hungry. Then you might find it less stressful all round but build to a point where she can be mixed fed and you’d have some of the benefits of BF (eg if you’re out longer than expected and she needs a quick feed) or lazy lie ins in the morning plus the antibodies etc of the milk itself. But if you make sure she and you are comfortable and relaxed for BFing and not when she is hungry as your supply won’t be like a bottle for her so she will get frustrated at first. The work she needs to do to BF is also good for her so as she spends more time at the breast when comfort sucking she will also be benefitting from that too.

Obviously if you’ve reached the point you just want to stop you don’t need anyone’s permission to do so. Just be aware there can be a hormone dip when stopping BF/expressing so it isn’t always the answer if you’re already struggling.

It sounds like you've had a really tough time. Give the National Breastfeeding Helpline a call on 0300 100 0212. They will talk through all your options with you including mixed feeding or stopping bf if that is wat you want to do in a completely non judgemental way.

I just wanted to say OP, that it usually takes between 2 and 4 weeks to see much improvement with breastfeeding after a TT revision. I wonder if you could plan to FF for a while to take the pressure off yourself, but meanwhile, a couple of times a day, have a skin to skin cuddle with your baby with yourself in the laid back position, after your baby has had half a feed, to see if she will start naturally trying to seek the nipple. If she does latch on, the laidback position is great to help with a deep latch. If she gets distressed, just offer her some more bottle for a few ml and then back to some lovely cuddles again. This was how I got back to fully BF my baby after a TT division and exclusively pumping. It took some patience for a week or two, but quickly improved. Expressing is awful... No wonder you've had enough. But if you'd rather call it a day, don't worry! You and your baby will be fine. I just wanted to make sure you knew that it takes up to a month to see proper results after a TT division.

Oh OP, I could have written your exact post! Same traumatic birth, blood loss, tongue tie, unsatisfied baby.

I desperately wanted to breastfeed as a FTM, and persevered for a month while my baby's weight stayed static and I was pressured from all sides (midwives/HV/family) to either breastfeed round the clock or switch to formula. Latch was checked and apparently fine, but I was sore and DS was hungry and unsettled.

I cracked one day and switched to formula and DS thrived from then on. He gained weight like a trooper and was very settled. No issues with bonding or immunity or general health. So I'm a great believer now in stopping BF if it's making you miserable. No one should breastfeed at the expense of their mental health and well-being in my opinion.

I was in this situation a year ago with DS. He was prem with a medical condition which meant my only option was to express and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I really wanted to breastfeed but it just didn't work out for us but I did manage to express for 3 months before I gave up and switched fully to formula. My mental health was really suffering and it just wasn't a viable option for us. I don't regret it at all and know I did the best thing for us. People really underestimate just how gruelling and time consuming it can be. Please don't feel guilty, do what you feel is right.