Expressing breastmilk keeping me away from my baby

[Correlation]

My baby is nearly 3 weeks old. I should start by saying I had an extremely traumatic birth experience where I lost 2.5litres of blood and had 3rd degree tearing. Thank god my baby was fine but I certainly wasn't.
I started breastfeeding her straight away but it was always really painful and I ended up with completely cracked, bleeding, scabby nipples (sorry if tmi) and my baby wasn't gaining weight. It was identified that she had a tongue tie and this was cut at 5 days old but it still didn't resolve things and my baby would still get really distressed (screaming crying, red faced) and exhausted trying to get milk from my breasts. Meanwhile I was in agony and in tears all the time. I introduced formula and immediately she was satisfied and started to gain weight. I felt guilty for not having tried this sooner. However, I also wanted her to benefit from some breast milk so I started expressing about 3-4 times a day so she has been on about 60/40 formula/breastmilk since 5 days old. She is now almost 3 weeks and I'm feeling the strain of expressing because it means sitting up in the middle of the night and morning and losing time with her. It also only works if she's either asleep or my husband can hold her while I pump. I would like to move to formula only but feel such an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure about doing so. I want her to have the best but I also want her to have quality time with me and I want to be free to pick her up and hold her whenever, rather than be chained to a pump.
On top of this I feel that I am quite traumatised from the horrific birth and I obviously haven't had time to deal with this yet. I cry a lot still and sometimes feel afraid of my baby waking up as I know she will naturally cry because it reminds me of the early days of trying to breastfeed her through my pain and both of our suffering.

What would you do if you were me? Thanks in advance for your replies.

Could you get one of those pumps you can use on the go?

Oh OP, what a difficult time you've had

Honestly, for the sake of your physical recovery and your mental health, please give yourself permission to stop the pumping. You don't need to put yourself through this.

When I was struggling with getting DC3 to gain weight with breastfeeding I wish MN had been around so that someone could have told me it was OK to stop. I finally switched to formula and DS thrived. I wish I'd done it sooner.

I'd sack off anything that's hard work. Formula feed. Relax. Recover. Ignore others.
No one will know or care by age 1 how any baby was fed

Thank you all. The pumping and my attempts at breastfeeding have been truly hellish and they've left me feeling afraid of when my baby wakes up. I feel the breastfeeding experience (as well as the birth) have traumatised me so I need to get some help psychologically as well as practically. I'm going to go and stay with my parents for a couple of days and hopefully regain some energy and confidence in my ability to handle this.

I did call the national breastfeeding helpline but their suggestion was that because I've already introduced some formula I will need to pump every hour to get my milk supply back - this is not something I feel physically or mentally able to do right now so I just have to accept that and move on..

@Correlation my first child had such a bad tongue tie that he needed up back in hospital at 4 days old dehydrated and only narrowly avoiding a drip and lights for jaundice. I had been breastfeeding and every midwife had said everything looked ok when they had seen me (in the days of home visits. I was put on 3 hourly formula feeds and that was how he was fed from that point onwards. He is now a 6ft 1 strapping teenage boy who is very healthy and I can honestly say no one has ever asked me how he was fed. I did beat myself up about not feeding him for a while (I'm sure I have read that breastfeeding guilt is a real thing) but it was the right thing to do.
Your little one will benefit more from a relaxed and happy mummy who has time and energy to interact and play 😀

@Correlation you have been through hell, you have really tried but honestly just quit. Your baby is being fed, it doesn't matter that it isn't breastmilk, he has had a good start from it.

My sons are now 18 and 15 years old. I breastfed Ds1 for about 2 months and Ds2 the same but mixed feeding with pumping milk all the time. In the end I just switched to formula bottle feeding and put away the guilt. Trust me, there is much more you will beat yourself up over in the years to come

You are good enough, breastfeeding just didn't work out for you. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy your baby.

Honestly, just quit even thinking about breastfeeding or pumping. You’ve made a fantastic effort but it just doesn’t suit you or your little one. This is exactly why formula exists. If it helps, my advice is given based on exclusively breastfeeding two babies (one to 2yr+ and one to 1yr+). I’ve been super fortunate that it just clicked for us, but absolutely hated seeing the pressure on my mum friends who found it hard. Not being able to breastfeed does not mean you are failing at being a mum. I hate it even needs to be said. Feed your baby in the best way that suits you both. A happy mum is best for a happy baby.

Fuck that OP. Bfing is hard work even when it goes well. Ff is a faff with bottles and sterilisation. Expressing is the worst of both worlds.

I have 2 dcs. Dc1 was ff, weaned on packets and jars. Is as skinny as a rake, eats a really healthy, balanced diet and is top set in everything academically, rarely ill and robustly healthy. Dd2 was bf to 18 months, blw with loads of fruit and veg and homecooked grub. He's fussy as fuck now, throws up at the slightest thing, has a ridiculously high gag reflex and won't eat anything he doesn't know and trust. Anecdotal I know but didn't make any difference to outcomes.

I had my LO 7 months ago, breastfeeding just didn't work out for us. I pumped and topped up with formula for 5 weeks, and honestly it was THE most miserable experience of my life! My partner and I decided to use formula exclusively and it's the best decision we could have made. Baby is thriving, I am much happier and his dad can be more involved too!
Please don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know) but all your baby needs to be fed and have a happy mummy xxx

If you want to full time formula feed then do that. I absolutely agree that this halfway house is no use to anyone. BUT if you do want to breastfeed it’s definitely not too late to get back on it and make it work. I had a similar birth experience and early feeding issues- blood loss is a bitch and it affects your milk supply and added tongue tie is just bad luck. I was told breastfeeding was beyond my situation (also was on intravenous antibiotics and basically told to give up). If this is something you want to continue with then there’s lots of things you can do including taking Fenugreek and nipple shields- there’s loads of advice and help out there. But equally if you want to formula feed then do that now.... but stop this worst of both worlds situation and enjoy your lovely new baby.

And whatever you decide to do, it feels like the most important thing in the world now but in a few years you’ll laugh about this.

Good luck.

Thank you all so much. Honestly it's such a relief to read your responses - I haven't found this kind of support amongst the the midwives/HV/breastfeeding helpline, all I got was more pressure and what felt like blame. I really appreciate your responses so much .

Oh god. Do not feel guilty about this. Formula all the way. My DD had a tongue tie that had to be snipped twice (and even then it grew over again), and I had resultant low supply. Dealing with that took the best part of the first three months, including a lot of pumping to try and get my supply up, which I hated. I was lucky in that it eventually worked out and she's now EBF with no problems (apart from bottle refusal and my imminent return to work ) but even still I've resolved that if I have another and BF isn't going as well as I need it to by six weeks we'll switch fully to formula. It's so easy to get stuck in a cycle of trying one more thing to fix it/pumping one more month for baby's sake etc, but that is time that you won't get back. Give yourself a pat on the back for recognising that this is not working for you before going too far down that path and get on with enjoying your new baby, pump-free.

I expressed for 8 weeks with my twins whilst they learned how to feed properly and it was so hard! Have you tried direct feeding again recently? Can you access any support for feeding to maybe make sure baby has a good latch etc? I found it painful for the first few months but long terms feeding them from the breast was a million times easier than pumping. Short term I would see if you can get a hands free pump which will make a massive difference to that chained to the pump feeling.

If you decide to go to formula just make sure you cut down the pumping gradually so you don’t get blockages. If you want to breastfeed though I would say try and access some support and persevere if you can for a few more weeks. The first few weeks are the hardest as babies cluster feed a lot and it’s a lot to get used too!

Well done for getting this far, you’ve given baby a great start with your milk even if you don’t continue. Happy for you to PM if you think there’s anything we could chat through.

Oh goodness I really feel your pain. I'm the same and feel pumping keeps me away from my baby. One thing I have done is buy a medela pumping bra which has two holes where you nipples are and this allows the pump to be held by the bra, and so allowing you to be hands free. Obviously I'm still hooked up to the machine and can't move (that's where I am right now lolll) but I am able to hold my baby in the crook of my arm and pump on the opposite breast, and hold my phone at the same time! Multitasking! Works best when baby is relaxed or asleep obviously. This may help you too.
I have also forked out on an Elvie pump to allow me to do things around the house. This frees up more time to spend with baby. Only set up the Elvie yesterday though so still getting used to it.
With regard to your traumatic birth, I feel for you, I went through almost exactly the same (but without the high loss of blood) Even though I practiced hypnobirthing in the run up, it all went out of the window when I was in the birthing room. I plan on going to a 'birth listening service' to talk through my experience with the midwives. Maybe try something like that too. We birthed our beautiful babies and we are strong Momma's. Know that x