Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Smoking and Breastfeeding, I need some ammo

65 replies

RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 08:44

A friend of mine smokes three cigarettes a day and claims that this does not harm her DD, who is bf. She is reluctant to give up because it feels like "the last bastion" of adult things she gets to do for herself (DD is napping, she gets a fag), and she says that spaces them so she doesn't smoke within an hour of bf. I don't know the health ramifications of this, so I can't say either way to her, though it seems to me that it can't be a good thing.

Anyone know the effects on a baby of smoking? Would they be the same for someone smoking so few a day? I want to go to her with hard facts before I utter a word, because really, to each their own.

OP posts:
FrannyandGreenychordCarrier · 25/10/2007 12:56

But the mother in the OP is protecting her baby MORE by breastfeeding and smoking, than a mother who chooses to FF. Those are the facts. Is the OP planning to go up to women who FF, with similar 'ammo', or would she rightly mind her own business in that case and see it as a matter of personal choice?

Lulumama · 25/10/2007 12:57

"I want to go to her with hard facts before I utter a word, because really, to each their own."

that is the last sentence of the OP, and i think that really, if you believe each to their own , you will not say anything.

i can see you are coming from the fact that you are concerned for her daughter;s health, but a grown woman does not need ammo/ hard facts to know smoking is not a good thing .

nothing you can say or do will make her give up if she doesn't want to

it is lovely you are concerened, but i could see this leading to a huge fallout

colditz · 25/10/2007 13:49

The point of mentioning it was to see if anyone else coud be arsed to look it up to see if it's true, actually, because I really couldn't be bovvered.

lazyemma · 25/10/2007 14:41

oh god, just leave her alone. I very much doubt she'll appreciate your "concern".

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 15:39

This is amazing. Okay, I am going to come right out with it. I lied, okay? She is me. This is one of those classic, "I've got a friend..." scenarios that someone proposes when they're afraid to be the one doing the thing they're asking about.

Why was I afraid to post that "I am a smoker and I want to know if I am hurting my baby?" Because I know some mumsnetters are real soap-boxers and have very strong opinions, especially in regard to breastfeeding, (see post from this morning regarding extended breastfeeding if you want an example) and I didn't want to get lambasted for asking for the information.

But hey, I got lambasted anyway. You people are amazing. There are more high-horses on this website than I've ever seen, anywhere, and as a lawyer that's saying a lot.

If you have reactions to postings that are so strong that a fellow mumsnetter feels the need to hide that she's a smoker in order to get information without being told off, perhaps we should all consider whether we're misusing these threads to vent because we've already told off our husbands, kids, mums, and everyone else because we're pissed that we're not getting enough sleep, don't have enough time in the day, etc., so we decide to go ahead and take it out on people we don't even know who just want some information, rather than being a supportive community of mums/dads, etc.

I am officially on a mumsnet break. If I wanted to be told off I'd have gone into my bosses office and taken a big shit on the floor.

OP posts:
ScaremyVile · 25/10/2007 15:48

In general, I agree with your sentiments....but the fake scenario you created - pretending to be a concerned friend looking for ammo re smoking/ breastfeeding, then when that wasn't forthcoming, looking for ammo re smoking/co-sleeping - was always going to provoke people, because it just appeared that you were out for something, anything to quote at you 'friend' as to why she wasn't quite up to scratch as a mother.
Also - not everyone lambasted you, you got some very helpful replies.

lazyemma · 25/10/2007 15:49

oh for god's sake! sorry you're upset, but I bet if you'd if you'd posted as yourself you wouldn't have got the same sorts of responses you've got with this thread. I think the idea of secretly disapproving friends presses a big flashing red button with lots of mothers.

Three cigarettes a day is not ideal as you know, but it's not the worst thing in the world either - and surely you should mostly be encouraged by the responses from this thread? After all, they're supporting you really - by telling this imaginary concerned friend to mind her own business.

MrsArchieTheInventor · 25/10/2007 15:52

RoRo, it's completely up to you what you do, it's your life and you're an adult and you don't need to justify what you do to anybody, especially anonymous names on a website.

Just for the record, my mother smoked during both her pregnancies and breastfeeding and my sister and I didn't suffer any ill effects from it.

Just playing devil's advocate here.

p.s. I agree with you about high horses. I try not to get on mine too often cos when I come off it's a hard fall.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 15:56

You're absolutely right, I did get some helpful replies, in fact the link to the LLL page is exactly what I was looking for.

I made up that title without even thinking about it; this is not something I will do in the future, if I ever ask a question on mumsnet again, as I will consider each and every word to make sure I am not going to offend anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 15:57

P.S. This whole thing just makes me want to go have a fag.

OP posts:
TheEvilDediderata · 25/10/2007 15:59

God, this place gets odder by the day ..

MrsArchieTheInventor · 25/10/2007 15:59

Bugger offending people! You can't please all of the people all of the time and you may as well say what's on your mind.

There should be a kiss and make up talk category!!

FrannyandGreenychordCarrier · 25/10/2007 16:18

But RoRo, what you were claiming to be doing was not on

you let us think you were going to use the information we were giving you to go and have a go at your friend

if you had come on and asked the ruddy question in an honest way you would have got told "the main thing is that you are breastfeeding"

well you would by me, anyway - it's what I told you here on this thread

this whole thing is insulting to us - and why would you go and seek the opinion / help of a load of people you don't feel you can trust, anyway

lazyemma · 25/10/2007 16:20

you didn't offend anyone, you just sounded like a busybody, and people told you so. Since you've now admitted you were only pretending to be a busybody, what's the problem?

FrannyandGreenychordCarrier · 25/10/2007 16:20

FWIW I don't CARE if you are a smoker - but I do care if you're going to go and piss off some poor other mother who is a smoker - which is what you said you were going to do

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 16:20

That's the thing, I wasn't looking for an opinion. I was looking for information.

I am sorry you find this insulting.

OP posts:
FrannyandGreenychordCarrier · 25/10/2007 16:21

why not ask for information then? why not say "is breastfeeding and smoking harmful?"

why tell us a load of old cobblers? I think most people find it insulting to be lied to. I know I do, yes. Do you like it?

sagitta · 25/10/2007 16:25

I feel for you Ro-ro. Smokers are consistently made to feel guilty now. No one likes to admit to smoking anymore - especially a mother.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 16:28

I am sorry I lied. I didn't think of it that way, and I unintentionally lit a fire under people who don't like to be told off about their personal choices (funnily, that's why I told the darn lie in the first place).

So there's no problem, except that I think people on mn can get a bit high-horsey and judgmental, and I think we should all keep that in mind when posting responses to others' questions/inquiries/etc.

OP posts:
pooka · 25/10/2007 16:33

RoRo - as a background to me saying that you didn't sound like much of a friend... I smoke and did smoke when breastfeeding. Not actually while breastfeeding (unlike my mother who apparently used to make a pot of tea, get a big book, box of fags and lighter arranged artfully aound her when she fed me and my brothers), but yes, I smoked.

And I am pretty defensive about it. I know it's not perfect. I know it's not ideal. But it was (and remains) something I do, and I hate the idea that I might be judged negatively for doing so.

Hence you saying you needed ammo before you went to her with hard facts touched a nerve. Which explains why my comment was critical.

ScaremyVile · 25/10/2007 16:33

Oh dear, dont worry about it.
I can see why you did it the way you did - it just didn't work!
And fwiw, I dont think there are many people who would actually feel at all insulted or 'lied-to'. It's not a big deal.

pooka · 25/10/2007 16:34

But the point about people getting judemental on this thread, was that they were judging you, judging your "friend" ah ha. (sounds like an Abba record to me).

Lowflyingbat · 25/10/2007 16:41

This whole thread is so bizarre! RoRo, I was supporting you. I think it is so hard sometimes to be a mother and there is so much pressure on us that when I hear that a "friend" is bitching about her "friend's" mothering skills it really gets to me. You can't be 100% perfect all the time, no one can. If three cigs a day helps you to retain your sanity then I think (as long as it is done sensibly and away from the baby) it will do more good than harm.
P.S. I totally agree with the other posters about the fact that if you'd been honest and just posed the question, you would have got a lot of helpful, supportive and sympathetic responses. The reason I posted was because your OP sounded exactly like the high-horsed mumsnetter types that I can't stand!

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 25/10/2007 16:57

Well, thanks to everyone for your support -- both of me as me and me as my friend. Sincerely.

[shuffles away feeling rather ridiculous]

Just FYI, I think I'll keep my three cigs a day. For now, anyway.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 25/10/2007 16:59

RoRo - dont think it is a lawyer you need darling, its a good long look at why you need to make up stories. then get the huff when u don't like some of the answers.my answer was so you smoke so what - not a criticism all actually. the thread was quite liberal about "what if a mum smoked"

high horses - yes probably more than at a gymkhana but i suspect you have a horse (and axe to grind too)