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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

what would you say to a pregnant friend that said they just dont fancy bf and dont want to try

57 replies

robinredbreast · 22/09/2007 18:28

yea one of my friends is pg doesnt like the idea of bf and says she doesnt want to try either
not that sh thinks its gross or weird or anything ,just simply doesent want to do it

prebaby i wouldnt of even thought anything of it as tbh i didnt really know anything about bf
id heard brest is best
but i didnt know why or anything
now i know how benefical bf is
should i try to v gently encourage her ?
or is it best to not really say anything ?

shes 37 weeks 1st baby

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 22/09/2007 21:58

Shh - I agree. There is plenty of literature available on the health benefits of breastfeeding if you want to read it.

But no amount of reading can prepare you for the general 'loveliness' of bf (see other thread on perfect bf moments). I know it's not like that for everyone, I have a friend from NCT who hated every minute of bf, she expressed so her baby would have breastmilk but just didn't like feeding him herself. But from my own experience it's just such a lovely warm cosy way to be with your baby. Hearing positive experiences of others may just nudge an expectant mother to consider bf if she's a bit ambivalent about it, am not sure if someone who has already decided to ff would change their minds though, everyone has their own reasons.

Pixiefish · 22/09/2007 22:00

my best friend was like this BUT is also very opinionated and I KNEW that once she had made her mind up that was it so there was no point talking to her about it

Tommy · 22/09/2007 22:04

I would tell her about my good experiences with breastfeeding and let her know that I thought she should give it a go.

MamaMaiasaura · 22/09/2007 22:08

Guitargirl - u r right that the reading doesnt make up for the lovely experience of actually feeding. If a friend spoke to me about bf I would advocate as I have expereience. Before I had children tho I really dont think i would have. Also if a not parent friend started advising me on how to look after/care for my baby I am not sure I would welcome their advice.

chinwag · 22/09/2007 22:10

I would say nothing. None of my business.

jemtastic · 22/09/2007 22:12

Its none of your farking business. Everyone has the right to choose how they would like to feed their own baby.

startouchedtrinity · 22/09/2007 23:00

My mum 'didn't fancy' bf, and neither did a mum at my antenatal class. Some people just can't get their heads around it - it does no good to say something that may make them feel bad.

McDreamy · 22/09/2007 23:02

None of your business, say nothing, unless of coure you feel she wants to talk about it.

maisym · 22/09/2007 23:03

I'd respect their choice - I'd hope she'd respect my choice to bf.

suzi2 · 22/09/2007 23:10

depends. What kind of context did her telling you come up in? If she's open to general discussion/debate about feeding then you could try to encourage her, or encourage her to do a bit more research into how to breastfeed incase she changes her mind after the birth.

If it was mentioned in passing, and she was a good friend, I would ask her why. Purely for my own curiosity!

hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 23:15

I think I'd say something like:

I realise this is none of my business but you're my friend, I care about you and I would hate in the future for you not to have explored your feelings about bf antenatally and regret your decision once you've had your baby, so I'm here if you want to talk about breastfeeding.

If you don't and you know all you need to, that's fine, obviously and I totally respect and support your choice not to bf. But I know too many women who didn't spend much time thinking about bf before they had their baby and regretted it later. I don't want you to feel I'm judging you in any way, I'm honestly not.

Jojay · 22/09/2007 23:20

I wouldn't say anything.

As others have said, she's bound to have picked up the bfing message, and if she still chooses to formula feed, that's up to her.

I wouldn't try to 'preach' to her about any other aspect of parenting and I don't see why feeding is any different.

'Preach' sounds a bit strong, but you get my drift.....

hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 23:22

It's one thing to have the bf message imparted to you and quite another to actually bf yourself though.

She might've heard something that makes her feel uncomfortable about bfing that's actually a myth or only happens to a teeny handful of women.

That's why I'd give talking to her a go. Because if the reason she doesn't want to bf is something that's not true, she might change her mind.

And she might not. But if you're sensitive about how you approach the subject, there's no reason for it to be embarrassing.

lornaloo · 22/09/2007 23:29

I wouldnt say anything. Its her baby. She must know the benefits already, its hard not to.

Original poster
robinredbreast · 23/09/2007 10:27

wow thanks for all the replies
yes its quite a mixed bag of views isnt it

what ive decided to say is something along the lines of what hunker suggests

"I realise this is none of my business but you're my friend, I care about you and I would hate in the future for you not to have explored your feelings about bf antenatally and regret your decision once you've had your baby, so I'm here if you want to talk about breastfeeding.

If you don't and you know all you need to, that's fine, obviously and I totally respect and support your choice not to bf. But I know too many women who didn't spend much time thinking about bf before they had their baby and regretted it later. I don't want you to feel I'm judging you in any way, I'm honestly not. "

thanks hunker

and just to let her know that shes got someone her in real life with to talk to if she wants to
its nice i think to know you can ask someone that has bf any questions you like
its much easier than reading about it in any leaflet etc
i certainly wont be pushy in any way as i believe once you have carried the baby and thn given birth you can certainly choose how to feed your baby
just want her to know im here if she wants me

personally i wasnt 100% sure when i was pg but once dd was born i had such a strong instinct or feeling that i wanted to after dd was born
i guess the same feelings might happen to her
just be nice for her to know that im here for her thats all whatever she chooses

OP posts:
Scotia · 23/09/2007 12:34

I'd mind my own business to tell the truth. I'f she wanted advice, surely she'd ask for it. I know my friends would.

snoozer · 23/09/2007 12:37

robin --

You obviously know your friend better than any of us do but if a friend of mine said "I would hate in the future for you not to have explored your feelings about bf antenatally and regret your decision once you've had your baby" it would really bug me. Maybe it won't bug your friend - who knows.

If you feel compelled to say something, how about something I suggest: "well, in case you change your mind I'd be happy to talk to you about my experience breastfeeding and what I know about it generally."

StealthPolarBear · 23/09/2007 13:03

I have to say I started to read this thinking I'd mind my own business but reading posts by jojosmaman and hunker have made me change my mind a bit. Before I had DS I'd decided I wanted to bf and read as much about it as I could. From all the reading I did (and from friends who bf) I was under the impression that

  • I would definitely have problems with latch
  • my nipples would be sore all the time
  • I would have supply issues at some point
  • I would have blocked ducts / mastitis at least once That was all fine because I'd decided to at least try bf, but I can see how it could have put me off completely. As it was, I've had a blocked duct which was easily fixed and supply issues only after a night spent in hospital. If I'd chosen not to try bf because of the reasons above I'd like to think someone would have given me the other side of the story.
tori32 · 23/09/2007 13:22

I think I might have said something like ' I know you have decided that you don't want to bf and respect your decision. I just wanted to let you know that if you change your mind after the birth I'd be able to help you with it if yo want me to, but I'm here for you whatever you decide to do.

Scotia · 23/09/2007 13:25

I didn't mean to sound harsh, but I realise that's probably how it looks from my post. Sorry about that.

I do think it's great that you care about your friend, but I would be insulted if one of my friends assumed I was too stupid to make my own mind up about how to feed my baby. Not how you mean it, I know, but there is every chance it will come across that way.

Do you see your friend often? If she is around when you are feeding your baby, maybe you could talk about your decision to bf, rather than her decision not to.

BTW, where on earth did you read all that stuff? I had some books and leaflets from the ante-natal clinic and they never said any of that. I found them very informative on benefits of bf, as well as possible problems and how to deal with them.

NotADragonOfSoup · 23/09/2007 13:26

I wouldn't say anything about changing her mind or anything that sounds as if I'm trying to do that. I'd probably just say "Oh, that's a shame because I really enjoyed bf-ing all 3 of mine, it was lovely."

NotADragonOfSoup · 23/09/2007 13:28

ie I'd make my comments about me and not her decision. Hopefully by sowing the seed of positive bf-ing experiences it may niggle away at her to look into it further.

wildpatch · 23/09/2007 13:28

i would ask her why she was denying her baby human milk? and what gives her the right to deny her baby species specific milk.
i would probably not bother with in laws. but with a friend, i would most definitly speak.
however once the baby is born, i wouldnt say anything. she has obviously made her choice.

hercules1 · 23/09/2007 13:30

err nothing. Maybe did she want a biscuit with her tea?...

BabiesEverywhere · 23/09/2007 13:35

I would gather a small amount of easy to read, good information on the benfits of breastfeeding from Kelly Mom's website.

Together with local breastfeeding resources information...clubs, counsellers, phone numbers etc.

I would pass it to your friend saying that you wanted her to have all the information to hand before she made a decision regarding breastfeeding and that you promise never to raise the topic again unless she wishes to discuss it.

Then leave well alone, once a mother has the relevent information it is up to her, how she choses to feed her child.