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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Feel guilty for formula feeding my baby

38 replies

Fustratedflo · 29/04/2020 19:55

So my LO is 8 weeks old tomorrow and she has been formula fed ever since she was 3 days old. I tried to breastfeed but really struggled. My milk came in fine but I just couldn't master her latch and my nipples were so sore and would bleed. I didn't even think to get nipple shields at the time and because my baby was crying because she wasn't getting enough milk I just gave up and moved over to formula.

Even now, at 8 weeks, I feel like I'm giving my baby a bottle of poison at every feed. I feel like she deserves the best and after all breast is best and I'm not giving her that. I feel like I've failed at the one natural thing that I should be doing. I also can't help but feel awful for the mums who can't breastfeed due to medical reasons or because they didn't get enough milk supply and then there's me who's just given up because I couldn't get the latch right.

I should be happy that she's happy and fed and that she's gaining weight and overall healthy but I'm just being constantly reminded every time I bottle feed her that I've let my her down.

Also, when anyone asks how she's fed, I can't begin to tell you how much I HATE to say she's bottle fed. I feel like I'm being judged and I'm sure most people turn their nose up at the fact I bottle feed and it makes me feel awful!

I've decided when we try for baby #2 which won't be any time soon but when we do I will 100% breastfeed I don't care if it hurts ill force myself to get over it but I just wanted to come on here and talk about this because it gets to me on a daily basisSad

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 29/04/2020 20:02

I stopped BF after five days because I didn't like it. No other reason particularly. I could have persevered and kept going but I would have been miserable and DS has thrived on formula. He is incredibly robust now at 8 months and we have the best bond. Breast is marginally better on a couple of counts but the best thing for a baby beyond anything is a happy and relaxed mother.

RandomMess · 29/04/2020 20:05

We live in a country where formula feeding is safe and the support for breastfeeding is seriously lacking.

A painful latch is excruciating!!!

Don't waste your time and energy on guilt for making the only decision you could at the time Thanks

Figgygal · 29/04/2020 20:05

I wish I’d been able to feed my 2 but both were on full ff by 12 weeks due to supply issues no amount of pumping, supplements or checks made a difference. Gutted at the time as I wanted it to work but a few years down the line feel quite pragmatic about it.

Never feel bad for feeding your baby whatever way you need to

GeraltOfRivia · 29/04/2020 20:07

The emotions when you have just had a baby are so horribly heightened. Everything feels absolutely huge and every decision essential. I know I can't take the feelings away but please don't beat yourself up. Your baby is being fed, they will grow, and before you know it you will have new things to marvel over and the feelings will ease.

Yes breast feeding is natural, in the sense that it's a biological function, but that doesn't always mean it comes naturally or easily to everyone. We are fortunate that we have an alternative.

Please be kind to yourself on this one.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 29/04/2020 20:08

This happens a lot, OP. It can be a huge shock to the system, the pain can be worse than childbirth for some women, and it sometimes just becomes overwhelmingly difficult. You did what you could at the time and that’s all anyone can ask for. Guilt isn’t the right emotion because you have done nothing wrong, but maybe you can allow yourself some regret that it didn’t work out and move on from there?

twinkleprincess · 29/04/2020 20:10

You are doing what is best for your baby. Please don't get pulled into the breast is best mentality. Fed is best, you are meeting your babies needs.

I've FF from day one. Little one has thrived and has never been ill, had any issues. You've got this. Focus on being a mum not the type of mum other people think you should be

MarylandMayhem · 29/04/2020 20:11

I feel like I'm being judged and I'm sure most people turn their nose up at the fact I bottle feed and it makes me feel awful!

Why would people judge you when the vast majority of people formula feed their baby?! I think you're imagining it.

As long as a baby is fed then that's all that matters.

Hyggemama · 29/04/2020 20:11

Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. I dont think you should feel guilty at all for formula feeding. If you really miss the prospect of breastfeeding and are determined to try again, it is possible to try to relactate. Our bodies are amazing things and yours produced milk until only a few weeks ago. If you latched your baby on now you might find her latch has improved where her mouth is grown or because your nipples have had time to heal. Kelly mom has great info about all aspects of breastfeeing and kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/relactation/
This page might interest you. Even if you dont get your supply up it might still be a source of comfort and bonding. If its not for you then know that formula milk has been designed to meet their needs and isnt poison.

elQuintoConyo · 29/04/2020 20:13

It still pisses me off and DS is now 8 YEARS old. But there's nothing j can go about it. Fortunately no one has ever made any comments about me FF-ing, so I had no external stress.

DS is trilingual, kind to animals, loves being outside and is brilliant at the long jump! You really can't tell he was FF for the first year of his life. But early on was awful FlowersCakeBrew

Thesearmsofmine · 29/04/2020 20:13

Be kind to yourself. I know from experience that when you are in the thick of it the guilt can be just awful but long term it really doesn’t matter.
I was never able to get to grips with breastfeeding and I tried with all 3 of my dc but you know what they are older now and really it doesn’t matter, they are healthy and happy and nobody cares how I fed them as a baby, least of all them!

Floralnomad · 29/04/2020 20:17

I couldn’t breastfeed due to medical reasons , please don’t feel guilty on my account mine were both fine on formula . However if it’s bothering you that much I’d try to reinstate it and at least that way you will know you’ve done all you can .

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/04/2020 20:17

Do you want to try again? If so PM me. I went through an awful painful latch too (DS had severe tongue tie), I will share my resources.

Original poster
Fustratedflo · 29/04/2020 20:25

Thank you everyone for your kind responses! I've also just spotted a thread about this kind of subject with lots of responses, clicked on to have a little read and realised I shouldn't have done that.

@RandomMess yes a painful latch is excruciating! I was crying, biting into things it was that painful 😖 I just couldn't do it anymore. Thank you for your kind words

@MarylandMayhem maybe I am imagining it but it doesn't feel like the majority of people ff where I live. It feels like 95% of people breastfed/feed.

You have all definitely made me feel so much better. I need to move on I suppose. There isn't much I can do. She is a happy and healthy little girl and for that I should be grateful. I just struggle to shrug this feeling of guilt off and when I think about it, it makes me want to burst into tears. I do have a question though, if I was to have another baby, I would be able to breastfeed right? What I mean is, with my not breastfeeding my current LO, that wouldn't have affected anything for the future would it?

OP posts:
CrocusPocus · 29/04/2020 20:25

Oh OP. I have been where you are and remember the awful guilt as if it were yesterday. My son is 12 now and I promise you, this will fade into insignificance with time.

I fed dc2 for nearly 2 years - I was so much better equipped with information second time around. It was still hard to establish feeding, though. I would also say I was judged for both by different people. You can't win and it doesn't matter. You can only do what you can and that's fine for your baby, I promise.

Sending you hugs xx

Coolcatsandkittens · 29/04/2020 20:27

I’ve got one who was FF and one who was BF. Both happy and thriving. Fed is best. To echo a PP, be the best mum you can be, not what other people expect you to be.

Original poster
Fustratedflo · 29/04/2020 20:27

I can try again? I didn't know that! I thought after 10 days of not breastfeeding, that's it! @GrumpyHoonMain

OP posts:
Original poster
Fustratedflo · 29/04/2020 20:29

Thank you everyone Smile hearing other people's experiences has really helped. Its really nice to realise I'm not on my own and others have been through this

OP posts:
Hyggemama · 29/04/2020 20:31

Some women manage to produce milk for babies that they have adopted by latching them on every few hours. There are even reports of some men producing small amounts of breastmilk when then let a baby repeatedly suckle.

Coolcatsandkittens · 29/04/2020 20:33

DS1 was FF and DS2 was BF so yes you can second time round. My advice to myself was not to listen to my mother and MIL second time round Wink

Willow4987 · 29/04/2020 20:41

Honestly OP don’t beat yourself up

You’re doing what’s best for your daughter, which is feeding her and loving her

No one can tell who was formula feed vs breastfed when they’re older so it doesn’t really matter

I breastfeed both DS for 8 weeks and stopped because I simply didn’t like it. It makes my skin crawl. Props to anyone that can do it for longer as I just couldn’t.

You’ve given her the first few days of colostrum which are so important. Please give yourself a break and enjoy your girl. She won’t care how you feed her, just as long as you do Grin

CrocusPocus · 29/04/2020 20:53

I think in theory you can restart but it won't be easy. You should get advice on this from a bf counsellor.

MarylandMayhem · 29/04/2020 20:56

maybe I am imagining it but it doesn't feel like the majority of people ff where I live. It feels like 95% of people breastfed/feed

When I've put on weight I feel like everyone around me is a size 8 and I'm the huge hefffer. In reality the people around me are all shapes and sizes, it's just when I'm feeling down all that I focus on are the skinny people, the other fat people don't exist.

That's probably what's happening to you.

fantasmasgoria1 · 29/04/2020 20:58

I Formula fed both mine because I really didn't want to breastfeed. I never felt guilty because they were growing very well and thriving.

Lavenderpurple · 29/04/2020 21:00

Seriously don’t feel guilty. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and what a waste of precious time it was. Dd is 2 now and how she was fed seems so insignificant now she scoffs all sorts of food.
I remember the same feeling when people asked and I’d launch in to my story how it didn’t work, almost in tears because I was still so emotional over it but there is far far more to being a mum than how you feed your baby.

absolutezero0k · 29/04/2020 21:07

Hi OP you sound like a lovely mum who is doing a great job. Breastfeeding might be natural but is she as hell isn't always easy. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must have been during a lockdown with little access to the resources you would normally be able to access. Please don't tell yourself you gave up - you made the decision that was right for you and your baby with the resources available to you at the time.

Some people above have talked about relactating - I have done this with the help of domperidone (as recommended by my NHS lactation consultant). Baby was two months old at the time.

But - I would also suggest really thinking about whether that is a YOU want to go down or whether it's just the imaginary critics in your head. You can still have a beautiful feeding relationship with your baby - the love and care you give them is still there whether the milk is coming out a bottle or a boob.

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else who came to you with these worries! However you choose to feed going forward will be the right decision for you and your baby. (No one else's business).

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