Breastfeeding is disgusting. What can I say?

[bohemianbint]

I was saying to my mum yesterday that I've virtually given up BF now, as DS who's almost 1 just won't have it anymore. She said, "well, it's disgusting to do it when they get older, it's a bit weird/league of Gentlemen/bitty and he's done it for long enough."

I could have said something about WHO guidelines etc but I know what the response would have been. I ended up saying nothing but on reflection last night I got more and more wound up about it. It's just totally disrespectful.

She's quite anti-BF; my parents came around when DS was days old and tried to pressure me into using formula, saying it's "just as good." Unfortunately I was in a fairly fragile state at the time and knew nothing about how BF works and with no facts to support me, so I couldn't justify my decision and sat there sobbing while they carried on making me feel like I was some hysterical hippy idiot. I was also told that my aunty "hopes I won't BF in public" - I mean, WTF?

There's clearly other issues at work here. My mum isn't my biological mother; bio-mother had a natural birth and BF, my mum forced herself through a horrendous birth with no pain relief so she wouldn't be outdone by bio-mother and I think that's whats going on with all this anti-BF bullshit.

Thing is, I'm doing quite a lot of things differently to how I was brought up and I get nothing but criticism - I'm getting very worn down by it and find it very disrespectful. I know something needs to be said but I'm not sure how to broach it, and unfortunately this morning I'm even thinking "wow, she can't have said the word disgusting can she?!" and doubting myself. I'm fairly sure she did though.

I'm afraid your mum needs to be put in her place ASAP.

This may mean a confrontation, or contacting her less and less or even cutting off with her for a period. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

One thing is for sure, it willl NOT resolve itself. Trust me

she is not the only one with that opinion, not me i hasten to add.
have you never come across judgements like that before?
my mother is of the same opinion, but other people of same age as me too. i dont care if people breast feed til their dc are 6!

Dunno that I have come across judgements like this before, and certainly not aimed directly at me or my decisions. I just assume that other people would have the same respect for me as I do for them and not be so bloody rude!Is there anything as annoying as unsolicited "advice"?

BB the deserved response is 'fgs mum you can think that if you want but please don't actually say it to anyone as I don't want people knowing how ignorant you are' That should shut her up.

aah, i agree ,, i think it must be a mother's privaledge and i don't think it ever stops!

Oh, well. Now i'm just disappointed LL, i thought i could ponce right into the "well-respected MNers" gang...apparently you get automatic 'flouncing' rights and everything

And just to keep to the original thread, have been thinking - respect to you, Bohemianbint! How have your poor arms coped with the weight of a 1 year old! And you must have persevered through so much biting

Well done you!

LOL GBC - thank you, although it's been a breeze up until recently, no biting until the other day where he did it twice and gave me a really bloody cheeky look before doing it...That was definitely the end of the end!

Actually, slightly O/T, but would you bother still offering a boob in my situation? I offered it this morning and he had a 2 min feed but that's unusual. And that'll be it for the day and I'm wondering if I shouldn't just draw a line entirely so we all know where we are?

Bohemian, you can be 'right' - get angry, have a row with your mother, cut her off - or you can be at peace - accept that she is living life according to the story she believes and know that you are the only person you need to love and approve of what you do.

He's totally not bothered if I don't offer it. He's never had formula but I've given him cow's milk from about 7 months on cereal and in cooking etc. I was thinking I'd just get him to eat cheese and yogurt and green leafy veg and not bother about trying to make him drink cow's milk as a drink cos I dunno if he would to be honest....Just not sure whether its even worth me offering anymore, but don't want him to change his mind later and find it's too late.

bohemian,

My mum was exactly the same.. in the end i told her to keep her comments as i was not welcoming the negatives. I remained positive that i was giving my dd the best and i was also protecting myself against cancers, osteoperosis etc In all rights i was the one who was respecting my baby and my body and she didn't. This on its own is something to be proud of. Our views on parenting is completely different - i believe in AP and she is so against it. I always hear, "she will end up having no confidence because you always have her in that bloody sling thing". My reply; comment again when you have done the research!

startouched...

you are so good at writing things down.. and are on the button here.

The way i feel today, after reading your post it has just given me the boost the feel good again, thanx.

My mother told me when ds was quite young that she thought it was weird to do it when they were older

I said "if I were you I wouldn't say any more things like that, because I think you may feel embarrassed in a year or two, when / if I am still going"

I ended up bfing for nearly 4 years, and got mixed reactions from her during that time. I made sure I was always well informed during that time on the benefits for me and ds of extended bfing, and also made sure after a while that I never complained to her about any problems that we were having . I still feel sad that I can't go to my mum for support when things are difficult, but it is just not worth it - she manages to twist our difficulties around to support her own way of doing things and always implies it is my fault for doing things differently to the norm. Hey ho.

Anyway, she does adore my ds and I have always stood firm and said that I am doing what I believe is right for him. When he self-weaned and I had got over feeling very emotional over it, I told her, and I also said "I know you think I have been mad to continue this long, but ds and I have got such a lot from it, and I honestly believe it has helped make him the lovely child that he is." She didn't say much at the time, but a few weeks later told me that she thought I was right! (this is a HUGE event, my mother hardly EVER says she was wrong and someone else was right)

I am not trying to say that your mother will have a similar epiphany, but you may be surprised as the months / years go by if you can show a positive role model for extended breastfeeding, people's attitude CAN change. Unfortunately they probably never have been in close contact with another long term breastfeeding pair, so this really is your chance to show them that it can work, that ordinary people do it, and that it can be beneficial for both people concerned.

Oh, and you must decide what is best for you, but in your situation I would DEFINITELY go on offering breastmilk. Being able to calm down a toddler with a quick feed is the most extraordinarily useful thing to have up your sleeve (well, in your bra, anyway).

The advantages, both physical and emotional, continue all the time. They haven't stopped now ds is older, as you no doubt know.

You know with all that you've had to listen to and put up with can I simply say.......

Well done!!!!!!!!!! for bfing as long as you did.

You are a wonderful mother and have done what you wanted to with your own child. Pat yourself on the back and be proud!

to OP, well done on bf esp. when up against such negative comments

my dd is 2.2 and bf although she is clearly self weaning now.
my MIL is not keen on bf and clearly feels it is odd but is civil enough to refrain from such comments.

however she did say 'i guess it is not so bad since she is a girl'

i think we underestimate the psychological impact of bf, such an intimate bonding experience etc. who knows what kind of issues it drags up for them?

also the fact that the 70's were very anti bf

Just to add, my family say very little (ds2 is 2 and a half) but they are silently supportive/accepting of whatever makes me/kids happy. DH's mum is more vocal (she used to be a doctors' receptionist and believes that this gave her a degree in medicine...) but I have long since learned to either nod and ignore or start a sentence which begins 'Well actually, I don't agree with what you are saying because...', then make my point and find a distraction which causes me to leave the conversation before she can reply

it took my mum about 5 years to keep her nose out of my parenting(when i had my 3rd child she realised i was officially more experienced than her).now she accepts that things have changed and doesnt tell me how i should be doing things.

one point on extended bf-i ff my dc and the oldest 3 still had a comfort bottle before bed till they were about 2.whats the difference between that and bf to that age?i mean,from the comfort feed/need to have calcium in the diet point of view.young children still need milk,surely its best to give bm for as long as they want it?thats what i would have thought anyway.

I had a "you're not still doing THAT are you" from my FIL... DD was only 6 months old at the time! Annoying but dont listen to anything he says anyway

But well done you for sticking to your guns

Now that ds is 8mo I'm very much feeling that I'm getting close to the maximum of what people around me consider "acceptable". It's sad that even people like my mum who are very, very pro-bf have this idea that it's only for tiny babies.

I was round at a friend's, who is still bf her 16mo ds, with a group of other friends including my mum, and was really shocked at some of the comments afterwards - including that ol' chestnuts about "well it's not really for the baby's benefit after that age is it?" and "it's not right when they can ask for it". FGS!!!! I did try to make my mum see that the comments she was making about my friend were exactly the same as those who feel uncomfortable about bf full stop.

I hate, hate, hate the way that "bitty" seems to come up in conversation if anyone mentions bf a child older than a newborn. It's as if you say you're not stopping at 6mo then you'll inevitably still be feeding at 40!

Sorry bb, this isn't a constructive post just a vent.

My Mum was weird about it too, she thought breastfeeding past one was unnatural or something. She also told me off for co-sleeping with my Dd and for baby led weaning. I told her it was none of her business and that I didn't care what she said as I'm doing what I think is best for dd and that is all that matters. She behaved herself after that!
I'd definately stick to your guns and see if she backs down.

My dh thinks this even though he is well informed by me about the WHO guidelines and benefits. He thinks it's "disgusting" to bf toddlers. He said the other day that 1 is bad enough nevermind older. He has asked me about giving bottles to ds2 and it's his solution to everything. Not sleeping, give bottle, won't settle, give bottle etc. I haven't but it's a lot of pressure for me. Ds2 is 29 weeks now and I have no intention of giving up bf but I am finding it hard with his attitude and I'm more worried about his reaction when ds2 gets a bit older as he really thinks its wrong. I hope I can carry on until he's ready to give it up even though dh will be critical.

My mum is def from the formula generation. DS is 5mo now and she keeps asking when I'm going to stop (and as i posted earlier in another thread, telling me to give him a btl and wagging her finger in his face and telling him he wil take it!).

Sadly, she said early on that she'd always wondered what it would have been like to BF (all 3 of us were FF). so I tried to be sympathetic and say oh they didn't support BF much then did they, to which she replied oh yes, they were all trying to push me to do it in hospital, I told them it was my body and I would do what I wanted!

Dad on the other hand thinks its great, we've both without discussing it settled into me feeding in another room, so I don't feed in front of Dad as I think he'd be too embarassed, his little girl with boobies! but when I'm in his house, he eagerly walks passed the door evey 5 mins asking am I ok, do I need anything etc. bless him.

My friend gave up BF her newborn on day 2, and this is a person who works in public health and co-ordinates a BF promotion group and I'm sure she gave up because her parents weren't supportive. Her Dad told her it was disgusting and her mum told her it wouldn't be fair on other people of her to BF in public.

sorry, not helping your prob here, but hoping it helps in a little way to see you're not on your own and ultimately you've given your son a fantastic start in life.