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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Too scared to bfeed DS as it would upset MIL

53 replies

mush4brains · 25/06/2007 15:21

My MIL & I fell out a few months ago about my still bfing my DS- who is still now only 8.5 months old. Since then I have tried on numerous occasions to build the bridges.
This sat ew went over & my DS got very upset fairly quickly, my PIL get very close to his face & nake noises at him which just make hime cry. There was then a whole fuss because I didnt want him to have a farleys rusk so when I went to the loo they gave him a spoon of jam instead
Anyhow, this is just really painting the picture & maybe people will think I am a fussy mum but thats my choice. The long & short of it is that my DS wanted a bfeed & I was too scared to as I know she hates it, lots of mutterings disproving grunts etc. It took me an hour or so to get up the nerve to leave the room & go & feed himI will feed anywhere in public & have never had an issue with it but just know she disapproves so much I was too much of a coward to stand up to her.
My DH was with me & was wondering what was going on but didnt say anything as he thought DS wanted a bfeed but then thought maybe he had it wrong.( he was unloading car at time of rusk/jam thing)
Its really knocked me as I really feel I let my DS down- he wanted something & I could supply it but held out for fear of MIL. Its had me crying lots of the weekend- could also be hormones as pregnant- & I dont know what to do. PIl are away now for 2 weeks & DH has gone away with work till end of July. Not really sure what I am after with this post but maybe just wanted to sound off.- THANKS

OP posts:

Kathyis6incheshigh · 25/06/2007 15:24

You're not a fussy mum. You are in charge of your child's diet and if you didn't want him to have the rusk that's your business - it is totally out of order for them to feed him when you're out of the room

Someone will come along and say something more helpful soon, but it sounds like they are being silly and you are having a hard time.

Twiglett · 25/06/2007 15:24

get DH to talk to them and put your position clearly

stay out of it

if they can't accept how you want to raise your child then just don't see them

remember you are the MOTHER here .. they are just grandparents .. you know what is best for your child even though they brought theirs up in a different way (there is a little lack of understanding and feeling judged from their POV because what we do is so different from the way they were taught to do it)

and you're doing an excellent job so far

witchandchips · 25/06/2007 15:27

Its up to you how you feed your ds not your MIL.

what's your relationship (with your MIL) like over other things?
love
witch

LordVenger · 25/06/2007 15:28

This is a bit of a no brainer, really, isn't it? THEY want to give him jam, YOU want to give him breastmilk, as recommended by the World Health Organisation. They are completely mad. Sadly, you can very rarely change the minds of old, mad people, so it's just best to beat an elegant retreat, ie cut it down to Christmas and birthdays.

annobal · 25/06/2007 15:29

I think your PIL are totally out of order. It's not up to them to make such fundamental decisions on how to bring up your child.

Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 15:29

Oh dear - does MIL hail from the generation that disapproved of BFeeding full stop - or that it should end with the first tooth? Your MIL would have loved me - dd was still coming to me for the occasional comfort feed when she was 5 !! A few people thought that was weird, but she's a well adjusted teenager now and doesn't have a boob fetish !

Don't knock yourself up too much about it - the whole PIL business can be very fraught - rusks & jam, putting prams out in all weathers, whiskey and orange juice in a dummy at bed-time - how glad I am that I'm now divorced!!!

littleducks · 25/06/2007 15:32

ok, firstly dont feel guilty that you made him wait, if you had been driving on the motorway and he wanted a feed you would have had to make him wait, it wont do him any harm, he won't even remember it now.

however you shouldnt feel you cant feed when you want to i just want you to get the perspective right.

could you just take him in the other room saying you want to check his nappy/ put him to sleep and then when you return if asked say you were feeding (so its all finished and doesnt stress you out) until you are feeling braver.

do you know where mils issues come from, is it because your pregnant or is he too old in her opinion?

flibbertyjibbet · 25/06/2007 15:32

I once sat with leaking breasts while mil gave my baby a bottle of formula cos I was embarrassed to take baby for a bf in front of them and she made a loud fuss if I asked if I could use her bedroom to feed him. So in the end we didn't visit them while I was bf. When ds2 arrived I was just more confident with my parenting so would just feed him anyway, or announce loudly that I was going to feed baby and go upstairs, I would keep a magazine or book in the changing bag and sit up there a long time after baby finished feeding. I am the only person the il's know who has breastfed and I was made to feel like an exhibitionist freak - not that they ever saw anything, and I usually went out of the room as I couldnt' stand them suddenly staring at the ceiling while talking to me!

witchandchips · 25/06/2007 15:32

But grandparents are really important so the difficult issue is keeping them involved and letting them help you out when you disagree on something important like feeding.

Original poster

mush4brains · 25/06/2007 15:35

Am trying to ignore it just really shocked at my self that it has upset me so much.
witch- things where OK until I stood up for breastfeeding ONCE.....never again as she has been rude & criticised me ever since.
No she sees that formula is better, wont eve look at any evidence says "its all bollocks- mainly written by men who have never had to give birth & after giving birth who would want to bfeed anyhow as havent you already done enough for the child?"

OP posts:

CantSleepWontSleep · 25/06/2007 15:37

Oh poor you. My mil is also disapproving of me bfing dd (16 months) and repeatedly asks if I'll be stopping soon (or more comments that I will be stopping soon). I just point out that the WHO recommends bfing until age 2 (will have to find a new reason to give her if we're still feeding past that!).

I also wouldn't let dd have rusks at that age (she's never had one in fact, but has had biscuits containing sugar now, but not at your ds's age). I would be absolutely livid at them for giving a spoon of jam - how exactly did they think this would be good for him?

I would ask your dh to have a talk with them, and to explain that you and he are raising your son in the way that you believe is best, and that this includes what, how and when he is fed, and that their options are to respect your wishes, or not to play a significant role in his life, as you won't ever leave his side when they are around.

I expect some of the reason you have cried over it is hormones, but you are not being unreasonable in being annoyed.

Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 15:37

As your dh is away, it's probably best to just avoid contact with them till he's back, then ask him to try to speak to them about it - after all, parenting methods change, but not all parents realise this. (Luckily my mother has always been the ideal MIL )! My ex MIL, with the best will in the world, was sometimes an old witch!

Tanee58 · 25/06/2007 15:40

Formula is best? What a strange lady (is she 1940s vintage by any chance?) What does she think women do who don't have access to formula? She's probably just icky about any bodily secretions - I pity her husband

witchandchips · 25/06/2007 15:42

Could it be that she is worrying about you? I know a lot of it could be prejudice from her generation but some of it could be concern that you are getting too tired??

Original poster

mush4brains · 25/06/2007 15:43

MIl issues- I dont know, they started up before we told her I was pregnant- which in itself was a great disappointment to her as she wanted my BIl to have a child before we had our 2nd. She just sees it as unnecessary as her 2 where ff & are fine- oh & its fashionable too
I want them to be involved but they have criticised everything we have done so far. DH has tried to talk about it to her & explain things but she just gets angry & rants on about how he shouldnt be involved anyhow as he's a man.!!I have tried to invole her but she is so angry cause we wont do things her way. To my H its all water off a ducks back cause thats what she has always been like.
God only knows what she will say when she finds out that we are planning on tandem feeding & not weaning DH till he decides!!- which DH & I are happy with but do hope its before he starts school
FJ that is awful- my mil had some follow on milk on the side but thankfully nothing came of that appearing.

OP posts:

fillyjonk · 25/06/2007 15:44

you are in the RIGHT

but is that much help?

You'd be utterly justified in not seeing them til your dc was weaned, or feeding him and telling them to f off etc but is that actually what you want, deep down? Or do you want strategies to deal with it?

tiktok · 25/06/2007 15:44

Aw, mush

Seems to me you are upset at yourself - you know without us banging on that the ILs are out of order, and from what you say your distress is that you put their needs/your awkwardness before your son's needs and you feel bad.

Your son will get over it, of course, and there is no long-term issue here.

But long-term you do need to settle this fear and your DH should back you up in this. Calmly, he needs to tell them you and he both want your son and the future baby to be breastfed and you will accept no discussion, comments or looks about it. If they don't like it, then tough. It does not need to cause a row - it's him drawing a line in the sand for the sake of your comfort and your children's health.

Your dh is away for a long time, but he can phone them rather than leave it until he gets back.

I think the jam thing is outrageous, but it's not as important as being able to bf without criticism or atmosphere. I suggest not talking about the jam - keep things focussed

Original poster

mush4brains · 25/06/2007 15:44

witch- nice thought that she is worrying about me but she didnt even ask how I was or anything about pregnancy!

OP posts:

crokky · 25/06/2007 15:45

to mush4brains: it is your choice how you feed your baby, added to which, you are following the Department of Health and World Health Organisation guidelines for breastfeeding. Your MIL is nutty hope you feel better now! I got the same nonsense from my MIL - she would arrive and say to my DS "are you still hanging off those titties" (at only 6 months old!).

fillyjonk · 25/06/2007 15:46

the "not weaning DH til he decides" was a slip, yes

she doesn't sound like someone with whom bridges can be built, really, tbh

when your ds is older he can choose his own relationship with her but-I do think it might be worth standing your ground and making a point (and I don't usually say this in MIL/DIL struggles, I generally feel more understanding is needed on both sides-but not here)

tiktok · 25/06/2007 15:47

I hear what you are saying about DH reporting that she gets angry and to him it's water of a ducks etc etc etc .

Does your DH want you to be tearful for days after a visit? Does he want you to be comfortable around them? If the answers are 'no' and 'yes' then he has no option but to support you and stand up to her.

In my experience, 'water off a duck's back' is often an excuse for not standing up for things and for being scared - if you can pretend you don't care, you can then pretend you don't have to do anything about it.

He might not care.
You do.

He needs to be a MAN!

snowleopard · 25/06/2007 15:49

She's wrong, and you know she's wrong - and she's also incredibly hurtful and unsupportive, so maybe it's time to stop worrying about upsetting her. I agree with littleducks that you can do it behind her back - lie and say you're off to the toilet etc - or do it in front of her and let her go on and on at you while you smile sweetly and then say "I don't give a flying arse what you think, because you are wrong, and if you cared two hoots about my baby you would know that breast is best. You can go on all you like, but who do you think I'm going to listen to you, or my HV the WHO and my instincts."

That's one for when you're feeling a bit braver maybe

witchandchips · 25/06/2007 15:50

Invite them to your house rather than going to theirs. It might be easier to assert your rights. If they are unhappy with the lovely sight of you breast feeding your child they can leave but this means that they don't see their gs. Their choice

muppetgirl · 25/06/2007 15:50

I know this is going to sound a bit hoity toity (and considering it didn't work with my mil!)

can you ask her out for a coffee jut you and her and have a chat about how you really appreciate her imput and support (lie, lie, lie) and that you are going to disagree about parenting issues in the future but would appreciate it if she would do so not in front of your child/children (you watch, the tuts and moans will come quicker and louder when dc1 is having a tantrum and they disapprove of wht you and your dh do to discipline -my mil's did)
Explain how important bf is to you and your dh. If things don't improve then at least you have tried everything to build bridges and then maybe the next step is to tell them that you can't see them in their house (i'm assuming you feel comfortable going upstairs in your own house whilst they are there?) until you have stopped bf.
At least then they know, you feel you are taking back some of the control and you have even broached some future issues.

Original poster

mush4brains · 25/06/2007 15:51

Thanks tiktok- I didnt say anything about it when I got back from the loo & wouldnt have know if DS didnt have it round his mouth & all down his bib & MIl was quickly trying to put the spoon b ack on the tray! DH was also out the room so I calmly asked about it on way home.
We have agreed that I wont go over til he is back- he will try & call them when they get back from hol & he gets some call time ( military!)
He has tried to talk to MIL about our decision to Bfeed but she just shouts at him & takes it as a personal slur on her that she didnt.

OP posts:

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