Too scared to bfeed DS as it would upset MIL

[mush4brains]

My MIL & I fell out a few months ago about my still bfing my DS- who is still now only 8.5 months old. Since then I have tried on numerous occasions to build the bridges.
This sat ew went over & my DS got very upset fairly quickly, my PIL get very close to his face & nake noises at him which just make hime cry. There was then a whole fuss because I didnt want him to have a farleys rusk so when I went to the loo they gave him a spoon of jam instead
Anyhow, this is just really painting the picture & maybe people will think I am a fussy mum but thats my choice. The long & short of it is that my DS wanted a bfeed & I was too scared to as I know she hates it, lots of mutterings disproving grunts etc. It took me an hour or so to get up the nerve to leave the room & go & feed himI will feed anywhere in public & have never had an issue with it but just know she disapproves so much I was too much of a coward to stand up to her.
My DH was with me & was wondering what was going on but didnt say anything as he thought DS wanted a bfeed but then thought maybe he had it wrong.( he was unloading car at time of rusk/jam thing)
Its really knocked me as I really feel I let my DS down- he wanted something & I could supply it but held out for fear of MIL. Its had me crying lots of the weekend- could also be hormones as pregnant- & I dont know what to do. PIl are away now for 2 weeks & DH has gone away with work till end of July. Not really sure what I am after with this post but maybe just wanted to sound off.- THANKS

Just had a thought -is this really about breastfeeding or about her not having control? Is she a dominating mother to her children -my mil definately is.
Is she threatened by another woman who is in control -did she find having children difficult in terms of not coping? Maybe she nit picks because she insecure herself...

The personal slur on her thing definately rings a bell!?!

If we confront mil she then gets upset and cries and oh god it's then all about her...

mush, that is a really horrible situation you were put in and no wonder you were feeling teary about it. My MIL formula fed all three of hers and really couldn't get her head round me b/f mine, she always used to say the usual "but you don't know how much they have taken" or "you'll stop when she gets teeth". They do find me tandem feeding and still feeding DD at over 2 very strange but have learnt to keep quiet. However one thing my PIL would never do is have some "follow on milk on the side just incase", why on earth would they do that, other than to try to undermine you. Be strong and continue to do what you are doing, your LO will thank you for the great start in life you have given them when they grow up

I would not visit the rude, ignorant old bat.

If you do continue to visit her make sure that under no circumstances she is left alone in a room with your little one.

If she makes any comments about your parenting or what you should be doing, just say " thats really interesting" or " is that how they did it in the olden days?"

actually muppetgirl- think you've hit the nail on the head. she comes across to me as very jealous of the fact that I have found my DS such a joy & so easy to cope with- thanks to my boobs mainly seeming to solve most problems he ever has,but I cant really say that!!
She goes on about being a young mum- 24 , having a long labour- um likewise( infact mine was longer!!) DH having colic- not had that problem as bfed- DH not sleeping- no didnt have that problem either hence my now delicate condition- DH not eating fruit or veg- well not got that problem yet either- DH crying all day everyday so they used to leave him in his cot & got next door for coffee- we dont have that problem either, he is perfectly happy except when she prods & pokes him!! Thats why I have let her get away with it do far as tried to be accommodating but right now had a belly full.

I don't suppose you have the same GP as her do you?

I wonder too whether the fact that you've made different choices to her makes her feel that in some way you're criticising the choices she made when she had your dh (I know you're not ) which gives her the justification in her eyes to attack your choices? Definitely think there's some jealousy going on and the jam thing sounds territorial.

I think it's amazing that you haven't cut off contact - I'm not sure I'd have carried on seeing dh's parents if they'd been like that.

my MIL definately feels that the fact we have made different choices to her is a slur on her parenting. She sees EVERY choice we make different to her as a real threat.

We have had arguements over the fact that I do not dress my kids in spontaneouly combustable nylon, the late weaning, etc etc. They bought us rather a lot of Things For Babies To Sleep in -god you name it really-when ds was born-and of course we co slept and he went straight into a bed...

I feel for you. Theres no easy answer here. My best guess is that is IS a DIL/MIL thing. MILs do normally have a lot less control and input, so perhaps that is why they often try to assert it so oddly?

mush4brains, we could have the same MIL!! mine tried to feed ds strawberry cheesecake when he was 2 weeks old! i said, rather sharply, " i hope you know how to perform the Heimlich maneuver on a small baby!" and she looked suitably ashamed!

tbh, i agree with the posters who say not to go round there till your dh gets back and he can have a word with her. say that if she wants to come to you then she's more than welcome, but that you won't be going over because you don't feel comfortable round there. if she asks why, then tell her, but if she tries to start a row just calmly say, "i'd rather not talk about it till dh gets home." if she persists, put the phone down.

i think MIL's feel threatened by their DIL's anyway, and if you are a natural mother and doing a fantastic job then she will feel like you're rubbing it in her face. she sounds very bitter.

going back to the control thing my mil commented when i had run my ds's bath that it was too hot. i tried it and said it was fine to which she then lent over and turned the cold tap on looking right at me.
I am one of 3 (the other 2 being boys) and parents divorced when i was 14 and have no contact with my own mother. I am very used to making decisions on my own and she has 2 daughters that ask her advice about everything. I don;t and i think she finds that difficult. I've tried to explain to her we will have differences (see earlier post of mine) but she can;t see past what SHE wants adn to be honest i don;t think she ever will....
but this doesn;t make it any easier in accepting that fact.

Similar MIL issues here too. DD is still exclusively bf, we are weaning at 6 months and last time MIL was here she tried to feed her. She is not doing herself any favours to be honest as all it makes me do is not want to leave DD alone with her. That doesn't seem to have sunk in yet though...

When DD was a newborn, I remember sneaking off to bf 'in secret' as MIL did not believe in waking a baby to feed (DD had jaundice and would have slept for hours on end if I hadn't woken her). Have also had the thing where MIL refuses to hand crying baby over for a feed as she 'can't possibly be hungry'.

I also get very cross with myself as I have given in to MIL on numerous occasions just to keep her happy even though I know it's not the best thing for DD. I give in and then get angry later. Not a healthy way to carry on and is really starting to breed resentment. Have come to the conclusion though that MIL is not going to change so I have to change my reactions to her...[sigh]...easier said than done. If anyone has any quick solutions I would love to hear them!

Do you normally spend a lot of time around these people? If you do then i would suggest seeing them as infrequently as possible.

Have you discussed it with your dh? how does he feel about his mother's attitude?

sorry if this Q has been asked already. will go read the other responses now.

hugs for now.

What to do with them. I think the thing I find really hard to get my mushy brain around is the fact that what I am doing is not harming their GS, its good stuff not bad. Had my MW check up this afternoon & BP a little higher than normal so went into it with her- she said stay away & if they ask why tell them. Spoke to DH who is going to talk to them & say but out or we're out of here- or something along those lines. Have also asked him to address the tandem feeding issue as am sure that is at the back of my mind too.
Anyhow thanks for all your supportive comments & its good to know I am not alone.

that's a good point and one we decided to alter. We used to visit every 6-8 weeks last year adn i would always come back frazelled highly frustrated and very resentful as to stand up to your mil in the first instance is hard, let alone when she is in her own castle ahem, i mean home.
This year we have taken the bull by the horns (or the mil in this case) and when we phone we have always worked out when we can come and visit and if she says (which she always does) but that's ages away, we always she that they are more than welcome to visit, which they never do.
When our ds2 is born we have already made it clear that we will not be travelling the 3hrs+ to see them until the baby is sleeping through as sleeping arrangements at their house will be difficult as ds1 is in the same room as us as would be screaming ds2.
We have found, sor far, that taking back some of the control has helped but we do know that she will come up with other misdemeanors (spelling)with which she can create a fuss about.....

good point from kiskidee

See I was cutting down visits after the last time they visited here & tried to give DS a cream cake & when DH said no went on about how strict I was & how it never did him any harm. He told them there was a difference between beting strict & sensible! Sadly about 2 weeks ago they called him to say they feel left out & know nothing about what is going on etc- even though I do phone MIL & tell her. She then let rup at him about bfing, weaning, his rountine, us being too strict etc- thats why I arranged a visit last weekend, to try & include them a bit more- oh how foolish!! Like guitargirl I am now in a sposition where I cant even leave her in the same room as him without one of us being there to supervise.

It really does sound like you can;t do right for wrong. Are there no other siblings of you dh that could have a word? What does your fil think? With us whatever we do is not good enough so we've just decided to do what we can that fits in with what we do.
My dh works in london and we have the perfect excuse not to visit as i can't drive that far atm and i won't let him on a friday after a 14hr day -do you have an excuse not to visit?

keep the visits as infrequent as possible then arrange the next one on your turf.

Yes my excuse is DH is in military so not home very often. Also although they are only an hour away I was in a wheelchair last pregnancy with SPD & was house bound so am trying to take it easy this one as dont want it to flare up. He has a brother who is so useless its untrue- thinks his parents know everything about parenting as they have had 2 & we have only had 1. Think FIL is under the thumb, but he does occassionaly give me a secret hug when shes not looking

mush - not had chance to read rest of posts but you sound like you are doing a great job. Please don't let ignorant MIL stop you from BF. You are giving DS the best possible start. Keep clear of them if you can.

your fil sounds a little like mine!!

have to say though i find it strange that she hates bf sooo much. I understand she formula fed but so did i and i would never criticise what any other mother is doing regarding feeding. I weened my ds1 at 14 weeks as he kept reaching for my food and eventually grabbed a chicken sandwhich and stuffed it into his mouth!!! I know a lot of mothers who wouldn't approve or necessarily do the same but my group of friends would definately say -each to their own. Was her own mother demanding? Is this her chance of revenge?

Your mil is a mad old bat! You know what you are doing is right, you have dh's support. Maybe you need to deal with the bit about her feeling left out and not involved.

• Invite them to visit you, there needs to be a bit of give and take, and you'll feel so much confident in your own home. It would also be quite something for her to go raiding through your cupboards to find something to feed him so that is unlikely to happen.
• Can you prime dh so that at some point during the next visit he is the one to suggest you give ds a bf, so it is coming from him not you.
• There are other ways to make them feel involved without having to visit them, try putting ds in the bath with a blob of paint and a sheet of paper then send them his 'painting', take lots of photos and post them, record a tape of 'babble' or send a video? Personally I would avoid even phoning for the moment until you feel comfortable.

And there's always the option of inventing some 'allergies' so they don't feed him anything you haven't deemed suitable. Older people tend to accept medical issues quite readily so they may fall for it. DS can always outgrow them at a time convenient to you

like that one....might try it myself!