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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

What I'd like to say to midwives who roll their eyes and tut instead of offering support to women who want to bf

43 replies

hunkermunker · 13/05/2007 14:35

"Look, YOU might not give a shit whether the women you're looking after breastfeed or not, but I can tell you that some of the ones you put off or don't help are in BITS after they don't manage it, but most of them are too intent on coping with a newborn and burying any feelings of failure to complain to you. On their behalf, let me tell you that they only had ONE chance to breastfeed that baby - yes, they might manage it if they have any more children, but they may very well not after YOU were their experience of support this time - how DARE you make the decision that their feelings and their babies don't matter enough NOT to help them!"

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley · 13/05/2007 14:36

You could just leave out the bit between " and ".

Kathyis6incheshigh · 13/05/2007 14:38

THey shouldn't be rolling their eyes and tutting about anything.
Don't they teach them at midwife school that eye rolling and tutting are not acceptable ways to communicate in their professional practice?

nogoes · 13/05/2007 15:03

Hunkermunker, you have pretty much summed up how I felt after I failed to successfully feed ds. As well as the tutting and rolling eyes, I also had the following comments.
"The very first time you tried to bf I could tell that you would not get the hang of it".
"You haven't got a hope in hells chance of succeeding if you do it in that position".
"You had better get the hang of it soon because he is starving and you are upsetting the other women".
Once I asked for a bottle the same midwife then said "Good idea, now we shall have a happy mum and happy baby".

Cazee · 13/05/2007 18:09

My friend was told "your baby doesn't have a mouth for breastfeeding"

suis · 13/05/2007 23:57

At 3am in the hospital with screaming baby and trouble with refusing the breast one MW asked me " are you sure you want to carry on trying to breastfeed ?" Bloody irresponsible to say that to someone trying so hard and in such a vulnerable place at that time. (we got it going successfully when home !)

Tabkat · 14/05/2007 00:04

I had at least seven different people trying to latch on dd after my cs. They poked and prodded me till I was sore and pushed dds head into me until I thought she was going to suffocate (often whilst my family and ILs were watching). A lactation consultant in the hospital seemed to help but was not to be seen again after her visit and I was eventually told to ff dd as she was hungry. I have never felt so guilty as when my milk came in and was told to ignore it so 'it would know it wasn't needed'.

mummypigoink · 14/05/2007 00:05

Today was premiership footballer give todays wages to poor hard up nurses day. I know midwives are a bit different to nurses, but when i read boards like this, it makes me feel better about my 'they aren't all fucking saints, they know what they job is and they aren't paid that bloody badly' stance.

Rant over, hope none of you are nurses (because obviously some of you are saints!

MummyTL · 16/05/2007 23:29

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a thank you letter to the midwife in the hospital who "saved" me from giving up when I was sobbing with frustration and couldn't get DS2 latched on. She was fantastic. DS2 is coming up to 6 months old and we're still going strong. I guess I was really lucky.

welliemum · 16/05/2007 23:35

Oh, Hunker, get down off the fence and say what you really think!

Seriously, I doubt if these people truly understand the impact they have on people's lives. They should be made to face the consequences by having to deal with lots of complaints. The problem is, people don't 'complain enough - understandable, but it's a pity.

A feedback survey mentioning midwives by name would probably get them thinking.

smallwhitecat · 17/05/2007 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nonscareymidwife · 17/05/2007 16:38

Hello I am a midwife currently on maternity leave and I was very sad to read what you said. We are not all horrible, I personally would never tut and roll eyes to anyone. I have got more respect for people than that. It can be really frustrating when you spend the whole night shift helping a woman to bf and supporting her, giving her tlc and the next night she is bottle feeding and telling you how she never really wanted to bf anyway. I personally always treat people as though they really want to bf and I feel sad when it does not work out. I can see what you mean though as some of my collegues can be blase about it. I would encourage anyone who feels as strongly about it as yourself to write a letter to the hospital trust as things do change when you take action. Another thing is that people always perceive pressure to bf from midwives when most of us just want mum and baby to be happy and healthy and while recognising that bf is the best nutrition for the baby, we recognise that it is not always in the mums best interests. Anyway sorry for rambling I just wanted to say something and have gone on a bit.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 16:42

hey! remember mine
your nipples are too small and they point in the wrong direction but you can TRY if you want to

HA! FOUR YEARS and TWO YEARS OF BF LATER!!!!!

ScaryHairy · 17/05/2007 16:43

Some of this thread is shocking.

I asked to be shown what I needed to do and the response was "didn't you go to classes?"[tut, eyeroll], followed the person in question trying unsuccessfully to squish my breast into the baby's mouth and then walking off.

The next night one of the lovely midwives who was on had a special interest in breastfeeding and came round to offer help if I needed it, but by then DD had taught herself and we were ok. It is clearly very much the luck of the draw.

KezzaG · 17/05/2007 16:46

Even if MW's are not being actively horrible (as some of these comments are) it just doesnt seem they have the empathy with new mums that I would expect them to have.

I bf ds in the recovery room after csec and was so chuffed with myself. Back on the ward I had trouble latching him on the MW was incredibly abrupt and told me I would suffocate him if I carried on like that. At the same time another MW was telling dh that he superdad because he had changed a nappy. I was mortified and felt a failutre from the start.

No one had the time to actually sit with me and help me and that made things v stressful.

harpsichordcarrier · 17/05/2007 16:47

I also had the smash and grab approach
and EVERY SINGLE MIDWIFE (about 6 in total) who I made the mostake of telling I intended to tandem feed told me I couldn't do it, I must stop, that my two year old was getting no benefit anyway and that I couldn't make enough milk for both of them.
ignorance and arrogance. a dangerous combination

seamonster · 17/05/2007 17:01

I desperately wanted to bf all mine. First one I was scared into bottle feed by one midwife who told me he looked jittery and needed feeding NOW. Then was told by breastfeeding expert I would "never breast feed that baby".And she walked off. That was over 8 years ago now and I still feel angry and guilty. Anyone in that situation should tell someone and not give up trying. I wish I had.

Jacanne · 17/05/2007 17:04

Not all MW are bad - my friend's one saw a copy of the CLBB on her coffee table and told her to burn it (friend had already reached that decision anyway).

Seriously though, the MW and HVs round here are all Surestart ones and pretty good - I think we've got one of the better BF rates in the country.

Mossie · 17/05/2007 17:07

I was told by a midwife, "the truth is, and they won't tell you this, is that some babies just can't latch on. We've a ward full of 'em at the moment. Would it really destroy you if you had to bottle feed?"

The answer was yes and as soon as she left the room I was in floods of tears.

This in a "baby friendly" hospital, where they're supposed to be really supportive of bfing.

I have to counter this though with the midwife the next day who spent nearly two hours helping me express colostrum, and getting him latched on.

I was also told, after problems later when back home, "if I was you, I would be proud that I've gone so far [three weeks] and would not feel guilty for stopping now."

I suppose she was only trying to stop me feeling guilty if I'd wanted to ff, but I didn't, I wanted help with bfing.

I got it in the end from a La Leche League bf councillor, and of course from here on MN!

Original poster
hunkermunker · 17/05/2007 17:18

SmallWhiteCat, do complain. Do. I did, both times after having the boys. I'm now on a committee at my local hospital which is aiming to improve bf rates in the hospital. Some of the things I've heard about midwives have made my blood boil, mind you. But I have every confidence we can make it a bit better for some women (I'd like to say masses better for every woman, but I'm a realist when it comes to this - maybe ONE day, but not in the near future).

One thing that's needed nationwide is Chief Execs of hospitals who understand that it might cost a bit more to have bf supported initially, but it will SAVE them money all the way up the hospital, from emergency admissions of babies with gastric problems to people with heart disease and women with breast cancer and osteoporosis in years to come if more women bf.

NonScareyMidwife, you sound lovely and I know not all midwives are horrible (there are some great ones at my local hospital too), and I realise it's disheartening to spend time with a woman who decides not to bf the next day. But what really gets me is it's part of the job of a midwife to do this - and I am disgusted that bf training isn't mandatory for midwives. I don't understand how they can take the decision it doesn't matter for the women they're meant to be caring for - how breathtakingly arrogant!

OP posts:
Original poster
hunkermunker · 17/05/2007 17:20

Mossie, have you complained to the hospital? Perhaps UNICEF would like to know, since the Baby Friendly initiative is under their umbrella.

I think part of the problem with the Baby Friendly thing is that it's like any "new initiative" in a workplace - half of the people who are told about it roll their eyes, tut and go "yeah, like we've got time for any of that crock of shite"...

OP posts:
berolina · 17/05/2007 17:21

hunker, thank you for your email! will reply, I promise - have been in bl**dy hospital again. I have news re the project I mentioned

Original poster
hunkermunker · 17/05/2007 17:21

Oh, sweet - are you OK?

OP posts:
berolina · 17/05/2007 17:22

I am now, but had quite a scary moment or three on Mon. Am resting and dc2 is packing quite a punch for nearly 23 weeks Thanks for asking

Mossie · 17/05/2007 17:23

Hunker I have written the letter but am in two minds as to whether to send it, I know places are short staffed and don't have money for training and although at the time I was so angry... I now feel sad that the woman in question might not have had enough training, iyswim?

JonesTheSteam · 17/05/2007 17:25

What about the ones who roll their eyes and tut when you say that breastfeeding is not working out for you and you're thinking about swapping to formula.

Because they exist also.

(For the sake of balance)