Do I give up expressing now? I just don't know

[NineUnlikelyTales]

Hi

I'm not sure there's anything anyone can say to advise me at the moment but I really want to get this off my chest.

I have been exclusively expressing for DS for 8 months because I am a failed BF. It has been really important to me that DS gets my milk and it never occurred to me that we would not BF - how little I knew!

When I first started expressing it was with the hope that we would eventually BF. When that turned out not to be the case at 3m I felt I wanted to carry on to the 6m mark. It was really hard and heaven knows how I managed it but I did and I'm proud of that.

At the 6m I decided to carry on until 12m, at which point DS could have cow's milk and I would be able to stop without too much guilt at being unable to BF. I was also assuming that once DS was on solids the amount of milk he ate would decrease, so I could express less. But he has had 2 months of solids and no sign of any decrease yet.

I express 4 times a day and it rules my life to some extent. I can never have an early night or a lie in and I am so tired as DS is not a great sleeper. Every day out is a massive undertaking, involving hundreds of pots and equipment, and making sure I am at home or a close friend's house in time to express. It is wearing me out and I wish I could stop....but at the same time I don't want to. DS deserves the best, breastmilk, and I have already let him down once by not BF direct so I do want to carry on.

I just don't know what to do. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about by not BF - I tried my best - but I still do and I don't want DS to have formula (no offence at all to people who FF, it's just my personal choice for lots of reasons). But I am worn out and don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far I'll probably be okay to carry on, this is just a glitch, but I needed to vent.

nut

OK LOL at getting it off my chest (I bet that joke hasn't been done before eh?)

Goodness me you ARE determined aren't you! Good for you.

Can I ask why bfing directly didn't work for you? Perhaps it's fixable? If not you've done a bloody great job getting to eight months so don't beat yourself up if you decide you want to stop

Bless you NUT.
You haven't failed at anything you are a bloody hero and good God,of course you are knackered. You deserve a medal.

If you want to carry on b/feeding,it really should tail off soon as the food intake increases.

If you really need a break,have you thought of introducing cows' milk and not formula? Would that be more acceptable?
I was also someone who would never have considered formula,but I would have been happy for them to have cows' milk and did in fact give it to them in cereal from 6 mths.

Tiktok has in the past said that she would rather give cows' milk to an oldr baby than formula.

So bowled over by admiration for your strength and commitment.

i moved from bm to cows milk at 8 and a half months, once i was happy dd was eating plenty solids including enough dairy. i didn't want to do formula either. maybe try bm just for first thing and last thing, cow's milk the rest of the time or water, plus yoghurt, cheese, cheese sauce etc?

Oh Nine,

I was wondering how you were getting on. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling as I have been there.

Someone asked me the other day whether I breastfed my ds and I told them all about the expressing and I realised when I had finished telling them about it how insanely dedicated I had been, and I only managed half as long at expressing as you. Honestly, looking back I can say that it took over my life. I could never go anywhere without taking an insane amount of equipment with me and every time ds had a nap I used to run off to express. I thought about breastfeeding/expressing about 98% of the time.

Looking back I realise that my dedication did get in the way of enjoying my baby and trapped me in the house. I was exhausted from the effort of expressing and the logistics of the whole thing.

I was lucky that we did end up breastfeeding but if we hadn't I know that I would have stopped expressing and that that would have been the right decision for us even if ds had less breastmilk in the long run.

If you want to email me about this let me know and I'll let you have my address.

Big hug

Just read your op and felt very sad to read words like 'failed' and 'let him down' - you've done an amazing job! Every day that you've managed to bf is something special. Take it one day at a time as someone else has said and I also agree that you're a hero and deserve a medal. Your DS is a very lucky little boy

Hello,
First off, you are not a "failed BF". You have breastfed your baby for 8 months. That is more than many who don't go through the hassle of expressing. You have really given your baby an amazing gift.

I expressed for my ds for 7 months so I do understand what you are going through, both in terms of the effort involved and the feelings of guilt for either cutting down or stopping altogether.
For me it was taken out of my hands because I had flu and couldn't get off the sofa let alone express when ds was about 7/8 months and basically my milk dried up, but before that I had gradually cut down.

My way of rationalising it is that mothering my baby is about a million more things than just what goes in his belly. I felt that I wasn't able to be as good a mother to him when exclusively expressing as I could be when I cut down to just once in the morning and once at night. Being there for him was just as important, if not more important, than what I fed him.

I suppose I am saying that if you either cut down or stop expressing you would not be letting your son down, you would be doing what is best for him and you.

Please don't feel guilty about the decision you make, you are clearly a wonderful and caring mother, that won't change if you feed your son in a different way.

I am in complete awe of how long you've expressed for. Your dedication to your ds is amazing. There aren't that many people really that manage to keep up excl bf till 8 months never mind with the extra pressure of expressing.

No advice but just wanted to say bloody hell, good work!

Crikey, well done you - a very well done in fact.

That is an amazing effort and strength of mind and you must focus on what is so important to you - your sons nutrition. It is paramount for you and he is a lucky boy to have you. Obviously breastfeeding is often to the detriment of the mum and fortunately lots of women do persevere despite what they go through purely for the benefit of their child.

If you want to get to a year then its not much longer, you are two thirds of the way there but if you stop now then it will be fine. He has had such a massive benefit by now that he won't suffer at all as a result.

there comes a time when you need to put yourself first and if it is taking over your life too much, and you are feeling the way you do, then maybe now is the time to give yourself a break too.

You certainly have NOT failed at bfing....your DS is getting your milk, just in a slightly different drinking vessel . All I can say is WOW!!! I expressed exclusively for just over a month before my DS finally took my boobs direct using shields & I am in total awe that you have continued with it for so long coz I know just how much is rules your life having to go off & express every few hours.

Vent away hun - you have certainly deserved it!

YOu have not let your son down. At all. I know exaclty where you are coming from though but I was not quite such a successful expresser as you having suffered from a drastically reduced milk supply at ten weeks and then a total lack of milk supply at 5 and a half months. You have breast fed, breast milk is breast milk however it finds its way into your baby, I know that emotionally it is difficult and in lots of ways expressing is harder and more time consuming than breastfeeding because of all the sterelising and extra time that goes into it. You are a true heroine. i didn't want ds to have formula at all it was devastating at the time to have to give him it but he has thrived and I'm more relaxed about it now. If you can carry on until 12 months then fantastic, go for it and vent here as much as you need but don't torture yourself over the process, its better to be a happy mother than a frazzled one. And by the way I think you're amazing.

omg, you exclusively expressed for eight months

you deserve a medal.

I only manged 5 with dd and that was with breastfeeding and without the faffing about. really - I am veryt impressed.

but anyway remeber that babies need lots of milk but not necessarily in liquid form. can you not just give lots of cheese sauce/yoghurt/cereal etc?

Big admiration from me too at exclusively expressing for 8 months I did it (not exclusively either, ds was having a mix of bm, ebm and formula) for 4 weeks while ds was frequently refusing my breast and found that hard enough. I was so glad when I finally got him off the formula and ebm.

(sorry, pressed post too soon) Please do not think you have let him down. You have done something hugely difficult and hugely fabulous for him.

also re giving up: you could cut down couldn't you? not that I would blame you if you gave up, but expressing twice a day might be a lot less hassle than expressing 4 times a day mightn't it?

NineUnlikelyTales, You deserve a medal! Please don't use the word "failed" 8 months of breastmilk, however it was delivered is fantastic! I expressed in work only, twice a day till ds3 was 12 months and even that took over my life so really, well done!
You sound exhausted though so don't feel one bit guilty if you decide to cut down or stop. I'd maybe suggest cutting down at first, dropping one session at a time rather than going cold turkey but do whatever feels right for you.

Wow! Thanks everyone for your kind words. I do feel better this morning and have decided to re-adopt my mantra of those first few weeks, which is "I will express today" If it kept me going then when things were much harder, I am sure I can keep going for a while longer now it is not so hard.

Whomovedmychocolate you asked why BF didn't work out - we had a horrific birth and I was very ill and traumatised. DS was too tired to feed and the MW were very rough with him, forcing him onto my breast and making him scream at the sight of it. It took 8 weeks just to cure him of that, by which time he was keener on the bottle and I got thrush. I kept trying for ages but everntually had to admit defeat, which is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

And I know you are all right, I shouldn't use words like 'failed' etc...rationally I know I have done my best, but I still wish I had not let the MW treat us that way, and stood up for myself more, and tried harder at the beginning. I felt too sorry for myself and was frightened to try.

But I am really touched by your posts everyone, and it has helped me to carry on for a bit longer - no plans beyond then, which is probably the best thing as some of you say.

Sterny - I'd love your email address..can you CAT me?

Thanks again,
nut

NUT - you are a hero.

I just wanted to add a plea that you share your story with the people responsible for making it impossible to bf direct - a letter to the chief exec of your PCT with a copy of the same letter to the director of midwifery, perhaps. There is never any excuse for rough treatment or forcing a baby and the consequences are, too often, what you found. But because these consequences occur after the mother has left the maternity unit, they are hidden.

They need to know....

Nut - You have done an amazing job to express for your DS - Well done you!

I echo tiktok's sentiments wholeheartedly. I know it is yet another thing in your hectic life to write a letter, but please do. It may help prevent this happening for someone else. I was in a similar position of a hospital created difficulty causing potential jeopardy to bfing DS1. It took strength I didn't know I had, but we found a way through. Glad you did too!

NUT - as a midwife I agree about wriring to your Trust. Could you find out if they have an Infant Feeding Advisor? If so, he/she would probably welcome information from you.Could you offer to come and share your story with the midwives?

Your experience could really help change things if you could initially even just write to them.

Well done for carrying on so long?

Could you start to free yourself a bit by reducing the EBM you give your DS and start freezing it for use later? That will give you a stock to fall back on.

You could start to give water/juice with meals during the day and start to reduce the amount of expressing as you would do if breastfeeding directly?

Hopefully you are using cow's milk in cooking now - you don't need to use EBM.

You have done brilliantly well to give your DS breastmilk for all this time.

FWIW, I directly breastfed and stopped at 11 months with DS1 and 10 months with DS2. Fed next 2 children over a year. Like you i did not want to give formula milk at all. Both DSs were offered cow's milk to drink. They weren't that fussed on it so I ensured they had plenty dairy foods - cheese, yopgurt, milk in cereals etc. They had juice to drink ( no holes in teeth I might add).

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sorry about bad spelling and misplaced ? signs.

Nine my e-mail address is winging its way to you.

Just wanted to add to the thread that I also had a very traumatic time in hospital and was the recipient of some terrible advice and breast/head grabbing too. Fortunately I also met up with a lovely neonatal midwife (ds was in hospital for 3 weeks although I had been discharged) who was horrified when I told her what had happened and invited me to go and speak on a breastfeeding study day which was being held to educate nursing staff in the special care unit about breastfeeding. Some of the staff were actually crying when I had finished my talk. I'm not hopeful that I made a huge difference but I found the experience of telling our story very cathartic.

I helped a friend whose baby was admitted to hospital with poor weight gain and she was advised formula top-ups which then started to take over. With a lot of hard work she turned it around and her DD was ezclusively breastfed till 6 months.

We spoke to the consultant about the management of her feeding and used her story to inform staff. The consultant was really pleased and took on board that putting babies on formula immediately was not the answer.

I know it sounds pathetic, but somehow I can't bring myself to complain about the treatment in hospital. I don't know why but I feel shaky at the thought. It's not just the BF but all the scary things that went wrong. I suppose it just brings up too many raw emotions at the moment.

On the positive side though, I did join the Trust's BF liaison group so I am helping to campaign for better BF support, like the Trust becoming Baby Friendly etc.

Mears I do have some expressed milk in the freezer and rather than try and up my supply when DS has a growth spurt I just use that. But I only make as much as he eats now so I can't freeze any new supply.

On the positive side, DS ate loads more solids yesterday and today and did have less milk over the last 24 hours so maybe we have turned the corner there?

Thanks again