How much hassle did you get for formula feeding? How did you deal with it?

[LaurG]

HI

I am having my first baby and I have made my decision to formula feed. I have very valid reasons for not breastfeeding. I don't feel like I should have to justify my reasons ( so I won't do it on here). All I will say is that I have weighed up the pros and cons and in my particular circumstance bottle feeding is what I want to do and feel comfortable with.

However, I am already getting a lot of grief from people. As I said I have my reasons and I don't feel like I should have to tell people I have just met why I have reached this decision. It is personal and I would never dream of asking a breastfeeding mother why she justified her choice. It actually really angers me. I respect all women regardless of how the feed their baby.

So my question is what is the best way to deal with this? I would kindly ask no judgement - as I said I have my reasons. They are personal and I really don't need to be told in any more detail how selfish I am, how I should at least try, how I am haring my baby etc.

Also where on earth do you get support for formula feeding?

I ff all 3 of mine from birth. Never had any grief about it nor did any midwives or similar try to persuade me. Did make me laugh when the community midwife came to visit my week old son and I and remarked to her student that his good weight gain was 'testament to my good breast milk' - she was very embarrassed when I set her straight!

I had grief to begin with and I didn't choose to formula feed.
I wanted to breast feed but couldn't.

The pressure I was being put under from health professionals and unhelpful family members put me in a very bad place and I didn't leave the house for 12 weeks as I felt so ashamed and like a terrible mother.

I don't give a shit now.

When I finally gave up the pump to formula feed was the best decision I had made to keep my relationship with my baby a good one

None at all either time, never felt under pressure or judged
However, I am what I suppose is an older mum (33 and 37) and am pretty self confident so would have given no shits anyway.

I did mixed feeding and got very little hassle either way.

This is a message for UserSnoozer

Thanks for the trolling. If you must know the reason Im not breastfeeding is to do with my mental health.I suffer from clinical anxiety. I have been off my medication for over 6 months and have struggled with pregnancy. I came off the meds to protect the baby. Although some say breastfeeding and anxiety meds are OK Ia ma not taking the risk.

So thanks for assuming the worst and assuming me reasons are to do with vanity. I hope this makes you feel really big and clever.

To all the other ladies THANK YOU for your kind and impartial advice. I really didn't want to respond to USERSNOOZER but I think it is important we call out nasty people and remarks. There is a lot of genuine people on here who offer kindness and support. Thanks all for taking the time to respond to my post.

Some people are naturally nasty. Sorry, op if some idiot had a go at you.

I know breastfeeding rates vary regionally but where I live I'm definitely in the minority for breastfeeding. When I have seen health visitors they ask me how many bottles he's on so they assume people are bottle feeding so I wouldn't assume people are judging.

My first was largely ff (I’d very much wanted to bf and did bf to start but had to stop due to medical reasons). Honestly, I never once had anyone comment on the fact I ff her. My friends all mostly bf and are very pro bf, but really no one was bothered at all and everyone supported me. I did get lots of grief about plenty of other parenting choices we made though. Honestly what worked to deal with it was just not to engage with people about it or if I did, being really forthright about it and totally comfortable with my choices. That shut them down pretty quickly. What I’ve found is that the sorts of people who criticise in these instances often do it because they are insecure about their own choices. While I didn’t bf my first, I am bf my second and I’m genuinely happy about both of those choices and because of that I don’t have any hang ups about what anyone else does. I trust they know what’s best for them! Do what you want, trust your instincts, ignore anyone who projects their stuff on to you and change the subject if they get annoying. It’s good practice as it won’t be the first time someone tells you you’re doing something wrong as a parent so good to get used to blocking out the noise. You know what’s best for you.

Not wanting to breastfeed is a valid reason to formula feed!

Most healthcare professionals don't actually care but it's part of the job to promote breastfeeding.

I breastfeed, but I love to hear when my friends/family are bottle feeding and hope that they'll let me have a go. I love newborn cuddles!

Best of luck, enjoy your snuggles

I've gotten my more comments on using a sling rather buggy.
And looks of horror for putting them in a bike seat.

I BF my DD until 15 months and I tried but couldn't get her to stop until I had an operation on 2 postnatal hernias so couldn't have her on my stomach.

I am now 38 weeks preg and don't plan on BF nearly as long this time. I found it incredibly hard at first and extremely restricting as DD was so attached to the breast, making it very difficult leaving her with anyone else.

Before DD1 i was very quick to judge anyone who said they wouldn't BF, now I would never judge anyones decision and don't think you need a reason not to BF. There are pros and cons of both.

My friend suffered PND because she couldn't BF and had felt a lot of pressure from her nct group and MIL and was made to feel it was her fault. I think the guilt put on mothers for not BF is really bad - i def feel there is a culture of this in some antenatel groups, and from midwives and in a lot of books I read. I know therexs lots of PPs who said they didn't experience this but also depends on what is the more common in the area you live in.

Just ignore any comments and enjoy being a mum the way you want to do it! x

Don’t make an issue out of it just do what you feel comfortable with for you and your baby. Midwives and health visitors will support you either way and so will other mums you meet - the time is so precious and goes so quickly don’t worry what anyone thinks and just look after you and your baby x

Be prepared, OP. I got quite a bit of negative reaction from complete strangers, possibly because I was living in north London’s babywearing, bf heartlands, And I took it to heart because I’d wanted to bf, but despite pumping endlessly, blood tests and lots of support from GP and NCT and a lactation consultant, my supply never started beyond a trickle, and it upset me desperately.

I’ve told these before on here under a different name, but two women with babies in a café said very loudly as I was feeding my beautiful newborn DS ‘Oh, you can always tell a FF baby, by the fat puffy look of them’, my NCT group stared and tutted at the clumsy supplemental nursing system, and a man who said he was a newly-arrived refugee took me to task for ‘not doing it the natural way’ on a park bench!

I was so upset by the women in the café I cried my heart out in the loo., I felt such a failure, and I’d lost all confidence in my ability to be a parent. It triggered fairly severe PND. If I could turn back time I would want to give my poor, shaken postnatal self a hug and tell her her baby is fed, and beautiful, and not to take a blind bit of notice of other people’s prejudices. Good luck, OP.

Due first baby in 6 weeks, will breastfeed for maybe the first month and then maybe switch to a mix of both or just formula. Picked up a tin today in case I decide to switch earlier/struggle to breastfeed. 35 hours a week plus cracked nipples doesn't exactly fit in with my idea of being a modern mum. The way breastfeeding seems to be pushed on pregnant mums made me think once I made this decision that I'd rather formula feed that everybody would judge me as a bad mother - midwife instead turned back to computer and said "fair enough you'll be busy with uni, you got a steriliser yet? " and that was it. No judgement, no harsh tone. An important video to use for defence if ever needed Or better yet just reply "the only thing a baby really needs is a parent's love"

So sorry, Fleetwood. Sadly my experience too.

Sometimes things go the other way. I was put under pressure to FF. When I was born FF was standard, as was taking newborns away from mothers in hospital and putting them in a nursery, where staff bottle fed them at night, so new mums could sleep. My mum was very anti bf-ing, and quite vocal about it. Questioned whether my milk was enough etc

I also was quite unwell after the birth of ds and HCPs wanted me to FF as they wanted me to rest as much as possibe.

The only judgement I got from stopping bf-ing was from myself. I cried when I first gave dd formula. Felt I was failing her. Needless to say she was fine, and thrived, although she did get a bit overweight. It is very easy to over feed a FF baby and I didn't really have a clue. I just gave her the amount recommended on the tin.

I breastfed but my MIL was always trying to push me to switch to formula, presumably so she could play mummy, so I had the opposite problem.

In my experience if you’re confident about your decision it will show in your face, so when it comes up in conversation don’t leave any room for discussion, just state that you are ff and then change the subject. If someone tries to persuade you to bf just give them a look as if they’d asked you a really personal question like how much you earn or how many people you’ve slept with and then move on.

My general parenting advice is don’t go around telling people what you plan to do. Reasons:

• someone will always have a judgemental opinion
• if it ends up going differently someone

will remind you of your announced plans and how they fell through

I was a bit undecided with my first, bought bottles just in case, but when I came through my emergency c section the MW basically propped him on my boob and I just went with it, didn't work out for me and by time we left hospital I'd decided to FF. Was great for my family, I felt it was right decision and as a side note my husband loved that he could feed the baby (night feeds were his thing, spent watching les mis with baba at 1 in the morning 😂) I had one mummy friend who is a huge BF advocate, on the local board at the hospital to advise on it even. She was a bit pushy and kept telling me how she would support me ECT until I made it clear it was a "I want to" situation not a "I Cant", then she backed off and it was fine. I personally love the tag line FED IS BEST, that way every mum BF or FF is included and no one needs to feel guilty about their own choice. As long as it works for you hun that is the main thing!
*Funniest thing I did get told in relation to FF was by a visiting MW who basically told us we would give him asthma! But she also said this about baby oil tbf so we just laughed it off after she left!

My first baby I got asked this a lot, before and after he was born. I think people like to offer their unwanted pearls of wisdom to first time mums!
Having said that, I have a friend who breast fed till child was over 2 and she had people offering their 'advice' too. Like 'you are making him a mummys boy', 'he will be clingy', 'you need to be able to leave him for a weekend' (erm, why?).
Actually, I think people can be similarly nosy/interfering about the use of dummies.
Do whatever is best for you and what suits you and baby!

You don’t NEED to justify it to these people. If you start to JADE (justify, apologise, defend or explain) then it puts you on the back foot.
You don’t need to explain or justify your choice to anyone. A shrug, and a ‘works for us’ is enough.

You feed your baby however is best, for you.

Well considering most women bottle feed, you're actually doing the "normal" thing, and I'm surprised you'd get any flack about it tbh?

I think it’s very odd that some people who formula feed seem to want to paint themselves as an unsupported, persecuted minority.

and I'm surprised you'd get any flack about it tbh?

Uuurghhh everyone has an opinion on EVERYTHING when you’re a new Mum. I’ve been tutted at for breastfeeding discreetly in a cafe, told I’m neglectful for weaning him off the breast before ‘natural term’, told I MUST use a sling, told that feeding a bit of mushed up carrot at six months will damage him and that I MUST do baby led weaning, etc etc.

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone’s got one 😁 I’ve just been stunned by the fact that anyone gives a flying fuck that I use a pushchair or how i feed my kid. It’s amazing how when you give birth you seem to become public property. I find all these ‘parenting methods’ really suspect - most have a few good bits you can use but to slavishly follow ‘a method’ and then berate others for not doing so is just odd.

Feed whatever way works for you. 👍

Never had any grief, comments, tuts etc to do with any aspect of parenting.. just read about it on here. I am always shocked and disgusted at what some mums have to put up with.. as if parenting wasn't hard enough.