Breastfeeding is restrictive AF [rant]

[PeppersTheCat]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but breastfeeding is restrictive AF.

I currently have an ebf 7 week old. I can only do things that involve taking him along too. So, no cinema, no gym, no date nights, no girls nights out. I am the only breastfeeder at the baby group I attend, so whilst all the other mums seem to have a life (can get their hair done, go on nights out, attend the gym), I seem shackled to my baby and socially ostracized. It feels lonely and limiting.

I particularly miss the gym, which I used for my mental health. If I even want to attend a 1 hour gym class, I'd need to beg someone to come with me and hold the baby.

Does anyone else feel this way? :(

Just after a pep talk I suppose.

Any tips for having a life whilst ebf? I cannot express much milk.

I've been breastfeeding my dd for over a year and have managed to do pretty much everything that I wanted to do. In the early days it is harder as they feed so frequently, but there is no reason you can't leave baby with your partner and go to the gym for an hour or so, just give a big feed immediately before you go out. I do think you are going to have to adjust your expectations though, life does change after having a baby because you have a tiny human who is totally reliant upon you, your own needs have to go on the back burner to an extent.

@2014newme nasty and totally unnecessary ageism there. Teenage mums are far less likely to have the money for an all day shopping spree, but of course they must be young and irresponsible and selfish.

Maybe it's because I'm away from my baby right this minute but in some ways, being away from them isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been looking forward to dressing in proper clothes and sitting on the train with my hands free, but now I'm a bit miserable!

7 weeks is early to be going out and doing all those things in my opinion. There will be time for that sort of thing in future - but this time is so so special and you will never get it back. EBFing gets easier as their feeds become bigger and more spaced out. I did some nights out and some baby free spa time one things had calmed down (I think he was around 3 months so not too far off for you) whilst still Ebf. Your boobies can get a bit sore but it's no big deal. It can seem a little limiting when your baby group friends can just leave baby with whoever and drink 3 bottles of wine because they don't have to worry about BF. But it goes quick as a flash and you will feel great sense of pride for keeping it up. Those first weeks are TOUGH - it gets so much easier.

You know, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Once your supply is settled you could mix feed if pumping isn't working for you - we did with DD1 and it worked very well for us.

Having a new baby is very restrictive, even if you're not breastfeeding. It's easy to blame it for that, but the fact is that it's a huge change for you to adjust to - your spontaneity is just taken away, and it feels that it'll never come back. It will. And as you settle into your new routine, you'll value the fact that you always have a way to feed your baby with you instead of having to cart bottles of sterilised water around with you and hope there are no delays

It is tough... for sure... How often is baby feeding? I used to go swimming and could get a decent swim in while someone else watched the baby. Gym might be feasible at the weekends, if partner takes baby and then meets you after? It can often be a case of trying things a few times, just to get the timing right (feed just before, feed after etc). And if you really want/need a bit more "away" from baby, it's not a nightmare to give an odd bottle of formula so you can get an extra block while otherwise the baby would feed from you. At 7 weeks, that probably won't impact your supply if it's occasional, and you have EBF (well done!) to that point? Does baby take a bottle? if so>>sorted!

When you say you feel socially ostracised, that might be something you could benefit from chat with a HCP. it sounds like you are really feeling it. It's important to get out (whether that is "you plus baby" or just you) time. And to have social interactions and friends and be enjoying your life as a new mum.

Can you chat with partner how you are feeling, you said that being BF is of value to you, are there ways he can support so that you can still enjoy life and do things that will lift your spirits day to day.

I agree it's restrictive. It doesn't feel as bad if you are able to accept that it's restrictive and at the same time keep in mind that it really is short term.

I fed my first for 18m. By 6m even it's easier as they can have food. It's over before you know it and you've done something great for them. I know it's hard to see while you're in it though.

I'm currently ebf my 15 week old. I've found it possible to get time for myself. I go to yoga once a week. I'm gone 2 hours. I feed before I go and he's absolutely fine, ready for milk when I get back but fine. I've been going since he was 10 weeks. Could you find something like this, even just a weekly hour in the gym? I also find expressing bullshit haha, get so little and it's so much effort. I did express a little in the early engorged days (because I remember wishing I did that last time) and have enough in the freezer to go out for a meal for my birthday next week.

I think unhappiness lies in the space between our expectations/desires and reality. If you are regularly looking at and feeling envious of the friends who have more freedom, and spend time thinking about how you want what they have, you are bound to feel fucking miserable. If you can reflect that you are giving your baby something great and that the sacrifice really is short term, maybe you'll be able to find some acceptance which in turn I think makes the sacrifice (and it is a bit sacrifice) easier to bear. Hope that doesn't sound patronising it's just what I do when I feel pissed off with it all.

I could have written this except my lo is 6 months old and ebf. Although we have recently started weaning but still involves a lot of bf. Everybody needs to have a rant so ignore anyone saying otherwise. Having a baby is such a huge adjustment despite being pregnant for 9 months and knowing that your life is going to change big time. In the nicest possible way your life is not your own and I think there is a massive adjustment period when life with your lo starts to settle down. I wanted to do a few things I enjoyed before my lo came along. And like you the only thing I'd really like to do is have the freedom to go for a run/or gym and like you this is for my well being and mental health. To say just express/ give formula so that you have some you time is all very well if 1. You can express and 2. If they will take a bottle etc. I have tried going out and leaving the lo with his Daddy but sometimes he just cries because he only wants me. Again if you and your oh are happy to let them cry/scream and you can enjoy your time at the gym/cinema wherever knowing this then you are stronger than I am. My oh is very supportive but sometimes lo just wants me. And I feel I can't complain to my friends in real life as some of them wanted to bf but couldn't for whatever reason so they wouldn't understand and I don't want to make them feel bad. I didn't plan to bf other than for the first 6 weeks to 3 months if we could and we were lucky it just happened for us but he will not take a bottle or sippy cup of either expressed of formula. I think I tried giving him a bottle too late as I was also worried that he would take a bottle and then stop bf completely. Good luck OP. Sending you a hug and rant away x

6-7 weeks is a bit of a cluster-feeding nightmare time, I seem to remember.

I know it seems never ending at the moment, but it will improve.

I feel the same way as you OP I have a 4 week old who until this week has been EBF. I made the decision to switch to formula and I feel a huge sense of guilt as bf was going well but also relief that it's not all on me anymore. I tried expressing but couldn't get much and would need to top up after. I hope I've made the Right choice as I guess there's no going back. However 7 Weeks is amazing, I'm only four weeks in and I've had enough!

I don't get why women beat themselves up for not breastfeeding. Please don't do that to yourselves. Life's too short.

I know you don't like formula OP but could you not combi feed on the odd occasion so that you could go out? Gives dad and baby some alone time too.

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here from some . I totally get you- I'm due a baby ( 2nd) any day now and the " restrictiveness" of bf is plying on my mind. Yes I want my baby, yes I love it BUT I also love doing all those other things that I do now and before pregnancy. The whole " what did you expect" almost " why have a baby" just makes me . But then I'm clearly heartless as I can't wait for the newborn stage to be over as I find it excruciatingly tough but relish the toddler and beyond years!

I agree with Somerville. You look forward to going somewhere on your own for weeks, and then you go out and you're on edge and miserable because you miss your baby.

8 months in. Didn’t expect to get this far; had so many problems along the way including tongue tie, oral thrush, feeding marathons. It is exhausting but in the grand scheme of things it’s a relatively short amount of time - it’s that thought that keeps me going.

DS has only taken a bottle a handful of times. He still feeds around the clock despite weaning for over 3 months.

My advice: don’t put pressure on yourself to get back to your pre-baby life. My NCT group are almost all FF, and are ‘mum on the run’ types - they go to every baby class going, seem so much more together than I am, and don’t look as bedraggled as I do! I have sometimes wondered why I can’t be a bit more together, but then I figure it’s a case of perception.

I know what you mean about exercise: I used to run marathons every year but not anymore! I walk everywhere with the buggy now come rain or shine. DS is 10kg, buggy is 15kg - so I count that as a good workout. There are also mum and baby exercise classes but I haven’t tried them myself.

Your baby is still very, very small and needs you. Hope you can stick with BFing if you want to - FFing might seem easier but probably won’t be the great liberator you might imagine it to be. Enjoy your little one!

tbh I think there's some competitive tiredness going on in my household. My partner is quite hands on with the baby and does give me breaks. However later he'll use this in an argument: "I took baby for an hour so you could shower/hair/makeup/etc. What have YOU done for ME?" (Apparently me having the baby near-constantly attached to me counts for nothing?!). So I feel sad at the prospect of having to go cap in hand, begging for 2 hours to go to the gym (1 hour travel, 1 hour class). This will surely be used against me in an argument later. However when he wants to go for a run, pop into the office, he can without begging for anything because I'm the default baby-holder. He's literally just said "I do more than most fathers do".

My baby feeds little and often, so the idea of giving a big feed before leaving him won't work in my case unfortunately.

TwoDrifters Is it not too loud (from the movie or from other babies crying) for baby to sleep?

It can seem a little limiting when your baby group friends can just leave baby with whoever and drink 3 bottles of wine

Ahhhh yes alcohol. I miss it SO. However Jack Newman reckons if you're sober enough to hold babe, you're sober enough to bf, just don't get mortal. True? If so, I'm off to the pub right now! :D

we have recently started weaning but still involves a lot of bf

I need to do some overnight-shifts as part of a gradual transition to work at 6 months (2 nights per week). Not doable? :/ I was hoping solids would help.

God yes. It's so bloody boring.
Honestly, all three of mine there's been points that I've hated it. SOOOOO boring just sitting there feeding. I've got things to do!

Just stick with it. And as some PPs have said, if you dislike it that much, life really is too short, so don't beat yourself up if you decide to stop or combi feed.

And for all those saying 'what did you expect' etc, I don't think there's anything wrong with you expecting to go out soon after baby!
Friends and I were out 4 weeks after having ours, we just left dads with expressed milk for the night.
I don't see why it's so unusual?
And we're not teenage mums, but we're just not really 'wine and dinner party' people either.

Or if you want to socialise more, could you take baby with you early evening to the pub? They're all quite relaxed where we are, I don't know about you.

I was back to riding my horse pretty quick. Baby had her nap in her pram/car seat outside the arena, fed her when she woke then she watched me untack/feed my horse etc. My mum would also take her for walks in the push chair so I could ride. I did my first competitive event when she was 3 months old - just fed her on the trailer ramp as soon as I dismounted. So no, I didn't find it particularly restricting, having the baby was the restricting bit, the feeding was a doddle

The best thing my health visitor ever said to me was - "you know you can mixed feed don't you?"

Not for everybody I know, but PND and exhaustion were wearing away at my confidence, at my ability to even leave the house... We introduced a bottle at bedtime. OMG! Life became easy.

Absolutely true about drinking. You're fine - and I certainly wouldn't have fed my two for as long as I did/have if my life were so restricted. Just remember that you really can't co-sleep if you've been drinking.

Your DP needs a bit of a reality check. It's both of your baby, which makes it both of your responsibility. You're in the early days at the moment but it may be worth you hashing out some sort of agreement about time to yourselves - for both of you. Not because it needs 'rules', but because it is easier in terms of expectations and stopping resentment if you both know where you stand. DH and I for example, have one weekend morning each to ourselves, plus one evening a week. I use mine to sleep and go out with friends - he mostly plays football with his. There's less negotiation that way, and feeling like you're going cap in hand (or asking him to 'babysit' his own child 🙄). You just announce what you're doing with your own time.

Baby cinema is great. They sleep and feed through it at that age - it gets trickier when they're more awake and mobile. Definitely try and take advantage of it!

If you are serious about breastfeeding don't go with the advice to mix feed. BF is demand and supply. When demand drops so does your supply. This stage lasts such a short time when you look back on it (though when you are going through it I agree it feels never ending).
Enjoy this precious time with your little one, plenty of time in the future to do everything you are missing at the moment.

Another vote that baby cinema is great. Is there no gym less than an hour away?
I know what you mean about feeding little and often but it will get better. Their tummy is still tiny at 7 weeks - it will grow and so will the time they can go without a food.

I don't know why people need to refer to you as ridiculous for wanting a bit of time to yourself.
I know exactly how you feel. I found those first few weeks soul destroying. I'd definitely recommend a gym with crèche or going for a run when your partner is at home (feed baby then go for 30-45 mins) I did this a lot in those early day - even if it meant I had to feed again soon after getting home.
Also look into baby cinema - lots of places do baby friendly viewings. It's not quite the same but certainly good if your desperate to see a film. Meals out etc without baby might need to wait a few weeks but your LO will soon feed much less often and you will be able to go out for a couple of hours without worrying.
It does get better!

It can be a shock being 'shackled' to a baby. It won't be like this for very long. My 16 week old ebf now goes 2 hours between feeds in the day. Lots of cinemas do Mummy & baby screenings in the day, you can take a baby out to dinner or to lunch at the weekend. A mobile hairdresser could come to your house or you could get uour hair done whilst holding baby. You could go to La Leche League meetings to meet other breastfeeding Mums and talk to them about how they cope/make some friends. I find I get a lot of freedom with an EBF baby and a sling you can go out for the whole day with nappies and wipes. No need to faff about with bottles.

If you are serious about breastfeeding don't go with the advice to mix feed

it's perfectly possible to breastfeed and mixed feed, as long as you wait until your supply is stable - and keep an eye on it. I fed DD1 until she was 20 months whilst giving her a bottle of formula a day from the age of 4 weeks.

And it was much better than with DD2 who we left it too late to introduce a bottle and wouldn't have any of it - which is far more restricting if you do want to go out at all, ever.

Well I think it's acceptable to do all of those things, regardless of what anyone else says.

Have you tried a breast pump so there is breast milk at home for the baby? If you don't live far away from the gym can you breast feed then go to the gym right away and when you return your baby should be about ready for another feed?

Can you drop some breast feeds to be replaced with formula? I used Nanny care goat milk formula as I was really not keen on the cows milk ones.

You've taken quite a bash here from other women. Sorry you've heard all of this when you were looking for support.

I think one or two evenings a week to do something for a few hours is absolutely fine.