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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Undermining comments about breastfeeding

75 replies

frogs · 12/07/2004 12:42

Following on from other people's rants, I thought it would be good to assemble a collection of daft and undermining comments people make about breastfeeding -- particularly friends and family who supposedly have our 'best interests' at heart.

I'll kick off with one from my mum, who really doesn't mean to undermine, bless her, but can't help herself.

This one was made having just watched dd2 (6 months) eat a grand total of three rice krispies at breakfasttime: "I would have thought you'd only be breastfeeding morning and evening by now." What's the poor baby supposed to be living on, FFS, fresh air?

And then there are the golden oldies: "Isn't she on solids yet?"; "Are you still breastfeeding?" and "She looks hungry to me, perhaps you should give her a bottle."

More of the same, please, for our rogues gallery, so we can all remind ourselves what nonsense they are.

OP posts:
lydialemon · 12/07/2004 13:08

On expressing my concerns that DD (8mths) seems to be tailing off her milk intake to a couple of people - some of whom should know better - the main reply seems to be 'you're probably not making enough, why not try to introduce a bottle again'

1 If I wasn't making enough why isn't she trying to feed more, rather than less?

2 After this length of time why would I bother with a bottle, when she drinks water out of cups ( look! there in front of you! that violently pink beaker shaped thing!!!!!!)

Second vote for 'You're still breastfeeding then?' Yes, yes I am, that is why I have a boob out and she is sucking on it.

GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

tiktok · 12/07/2004 13:21

How about the comments that seem to be supportive but aren't:

(when your baby is about three months): yes, it's marvellous....I think if you do it for the first three months, they get the goodness out of it....after that, well.....(tails off. You find the speaker 'did it' for about three months)

I think you're wonderful, still doing that. I couldn't be bothered myself! (implication being you are a bit mad)

Aren't you fantastic - I couldn't do it, it just drained the lifeblood out of me, 'cos it does wear you out, doesn't it? (implication being you are impossibly self-sacrificing or you have the constitution and probably the body of an ox)

These comments are all daft, but the people who make them aren't.....they reflect the way feeding (however it's done) is an absolutely loaded culturally-mediated behaviour in our society.

eefs · 12/07/2004 13:34

"are you feeding so you can lose weight" - am at pre-pregnancy weight already thanks very much, and yes, I am that shallow. (ok I am a little, but there's more to it than that)

PicadillyCircus · 12/07/2004 13:36

Thank you for this thread frogs

I'll contribute what I can think of:

"He must be hungry, look he's chewing on his hands" - after I had fed him for about 45 minutes and no he wasn't hungry, he just likes chewing his hands.

"Did you mean to only feed until 6 months?" from someone who stopped at 3 months. I felt like saying to her "Why did you stop bf" but was too polite to say so)

"When will he have bottles?" from DH (who now realises that not all babies have bottles, so he can be forgiven!)

The whole weight comments (DS is long and thin) which are generally followed by "are you still bf"

I'm sure there are more, I'll keep thinking.

motherinferior · 12/07/2004 13:57

SPOT ON, tiktok!

'You really are an earth mother, aren't you' - implying you really are a broad-chested broad-thighed mama with no dress sense AT ALL.

'I just worry it's draining you' (DP).

'How do you manage now she's got teeth?' - implying you must have the thick skin of an ox.

motherinferior · 12/07/2004 14:10

But most of all, of course, 'Oh, so you're still breastfeeding.' No, actually, I really like exposing my bosoms in public (while sober).

Do Tactful Looks count? I fed dd2 in Boots the other day and people kept looking over my head in a Tactful way. I felt like pointing out that FFS, she's a year old and if I felt the need for Tact I'd have given up b/fing in public months ago.

lailag · 12/07/2004 14:14

"are you still bf her at 13mo? Surely she would need solids now?"

Fennel · 12/07/2004 14:16

I just wish it wasn't usually the health visitor who makes such comments.

Pidge · 12/07/2004 14:20

"Is that normal?" from a childless male friend on hearing I had just bf my 16 month old.

"Well, I stopped for my 3 boys at 9 months" from MIL, and "Well, child psychologists wouldn't like it very much" also from MIL on gathering that I was still feeding over a year.

"You do have to make them stop - children are greedy you know" from a childless female friend on hearing that I was still feeding at 18 months.

"It just freaks me out when they start walking" from fellow NCT-er who breastfed hers till 9 months.

"Oh my god you're not ... " chorus from NCT group all of whom fed till 4-6 months, on seeing me feed my one year old.

poppyseed · 12/07/2004 14:25

"Are you sure that she's getting enough?"
"My milk wasn't thick enough"
"He took all the goodness out of me..."
"He just wasn't satisfied.."

These are a few of my pet hates to hear when breastfeeding!!!!

motherinferior · 12/07/2004 14:26

'When are you planning to stop?'

No idea, actually.

poppyseed · 12/07/2004 14:28

also "are you going to do that ...here?"
" still feeding at a year? -well I suppose he is a boy....!!"

tiktok · 12/07/2004 14:29

Keep 'em coming....great idea for a thread, frogs

My point has always been that when women who bottle feed say they feel undermined/criticised/belittled for not breastfeeding, they are experiencing the same as women who breastfeed :

ie the remarkable and persistent tendency of the human race to stick its nose in where it's not wanted, and to make comments about things they know sod all about.

I suspect that the breastfeeders have far more criticism, in fact, as they are doing something counter-cultural....especially after a a few months.

If we could line up all the stupid or invasive and criticial comments about breastfeeding end to end, I think they would far, far outrun the comments about formula.

But there is a difference in impact: formula feeding mothers who didn't want to use formula are (understandably) very sensitive and easily bruised.

Mothers breastfeeding beyond the first few months do tend to have developed defence mechanisms, and to be pretty confident in what they are doing. So anyone saying something daft does tend to do it at their peril

Yorkiegirl · 12/07/2004 14:29

Message withdrawn

tiktok · 12/07/2004 14:31

LOL @ fennel

binkie · 12/07/2004 14:31

Love (in a manner of speaking) MI's DP's line - can I say that re bf or whatever else, fake concern off one's partner is The Most Annoying Thing in the World.

Oh, tactful looks, I do them, what shall I do instead?

binkie · 12/07/2004 14:33

oops, didn't mean to imply concern was necessarily fake -

tiktok · 12/07/2004 14:35

How about 'well, I think they become too clingy if you breastfeed'?

And this from a smug father, 'I've got a really close relationship with my kids, because they were bottle fed.'

(Since then, both kids have totally gone off the rails Big Time and are the Teenagers from Hell at home. So yah boo sucks to him.)

dinosaur · 12/07/2004 14:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

tiktok · 12/07/2004 14:38

Motherinferior, don't knock the Tactful Looks!!

PicadillyCircus · 12/07/2004 14:45

On me saying that DS hasn't got any teeth yet "well at least you don't need to worry about stopping bf then".

Considering the amount of people who are bf children with teeth I do not think the two activities are mutually exclusive.

PicadillyCircus · 12/07/2004 14:49

Sorry MI, tried to pinch your teeth post.

codswallop · 12/07/2004 15:11

my mum tghought my nephesw yellow poo was as as result of my sister having eaten yellow peas or some such lentil!
obv it cam out o f her nipple

Tommy · 12/07/2004 15:22

A friend (paid up member of NCT) to another friend when she found out she was b/f 18m old "Really? You're not STILL feeding her are you?" Sounding really genuinely shocked. Is there no hope?!

mummytojames · 12/07/2004 15:24

i know i felt the need once to stick up for a breastfeeding mother which was strange beause i wasnt even pregnant at the time the woman in question was breastfeeding on a bench in the park and this oap sat down next to us and said to her cant you wait and do it somewhere more private to which i was tamping i just looked at her and said certainly why dont we just let the baby starve so you dont get embarresed for gods sake you probably breast fed yours in public and shes doing the same no difference so if you dont like it move because she certainly aint with that she got up and stormed of i looked and the woman and said im realy sorry for that she just p me off i will leave now i got up and run of with my tail between my egs for back chatting a elder