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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Flack from MIL for being a breastfeeding mum

54 replies

millysimmons · 22/03/2007 08:09

My MIL really objects to me BF my 5 month old DS. From birth she has given me a lot of grief about it, yesterday she really went to town & was saying I was selfish as she was not able to give him a bottle & yet she had been able to FF her niece at the weekend but not her gs!!! I told her we had made a decision to BF, it was our choice, DH fully supports me & really believes it is the best thing for DS. Things went from bad to worse as she decided that DH was disgusted in her cause he was FF. I explained that wasnt right but there are a lot of health benefits etc for the child. She rounded it off by saying I was saying her children wherent fit & healthy & I was only BF as it was fashionable.
Been upset about this all night so wanted any ideas of how to try & resolve the issue. It's going to rear its hear again as I am pregnant am hoping to tandem feed.
Any advice gladly recieved & sorry to moan

OP posts:
Twiglett · 22/03/2007 08:10

why can't she feed him expressed milk?

DANCESwithaTruckLoadOfMiniEggs · 22/03/2007 08:11

oh fgs. Just ignore her, what a silly woman.

hertsnessex · 22/03/2007 08:13

dont think you should feel bad at all. she obviously has issues with feeding, perhaps its jealousy as she couldnt/wouldnt bf.

dont make apologies. she can feed him a bottle when he has bottles and not before. silly woman.

cx

Original poster
millysimmons · 22/03/2007 08:15

Twiglet- I dont express. Never got round to it as it seemed such a faff!!

OP posts:
pansypants · 22/03/2007 08:15

this is the problem when gparents assume that they have rights over the gcs......these children are your responsibility to bring up and you are going to do what is right for YOUR family, ignore her, the gcs are not a conveience for her, there are lots of other things she could do to be cloder to the los , getting on with her dil and son is one of them

pansypants · 22/03/2007 08:16

oops i mean closer.....

Kif · 22/03/2007 08:16

she sounds like the kind of person who's born to be dis-pleased. if it wasn't bf, it'd be your kitchen sink's not shiny enough, or whatever. Don't get pressured out of something that is important for you and ds - and frankly irrelevant for your mil.

Wags · 22/03/2007 08:16

I was going to say the same, maybe let her feed some expressed milk but with that bloody attitude I would make her wait. How upsetting for you, you are doing the most self less thing for your baby not selfish! I think all you can do is repeat that you are not trying to upset her and you are not against FF but this is what you have chosen for your baby and that you, DH and DS are really happy about it and hoped she would be to.

CantSlimWontSlim · 22/03/2007 08:16

Suggest you print off some info about the benefits of bf and shove it under her nose (or somewhere else ).

My MIL wasn't much better - 'oh you're still doing 'that', when are you going to stop?' I ignored her and am still bf dd at 13 months.

Twiglett · 22/03/2007 08:17

its patently obvious she is feeling excluded and judged by your decisions

it is very much a generational thing as in the 60's mothers were actively encouraged to formula feed as the healthier option .. this has coloured her opinion of the 'right thing to do' .. whilst she will be aware of the breast-feeding stance now and its growing popularity she cannot easily accept that what she did was 'wrong' .. and she internalises your decision to do what's best for your baby as a condemnation of her decision

she has a healthy grown-up child so finds it difficult to believe that you feel formula is so very wrong

but if you could express and leave her with bottles of expressed milk wouldn't that get over the hurdle of her not being able to feed her grandchild

in the final analysis you are in the right but there is a certain kind of holier than thou attitude and imporatance mantle that we all take on when raising our children .. it is natural and nothing to be condemned but it means that our decisions are the best way for us .. and others may read that as their decisions are wrong

its a very fine line

at the end of the day you are the parents

but she is the grandmother and does have a familial bond that she patently wants to express

I'd give her a break and try to understand her POV .. which is possibly one of the most difficult and challenging things to do when your entire focus in on your child

berolina · 22/03/2007 08:18

With all due respect, milly, your MIL is a silly moo. Adopt 'water off a duck's back' as your mantra. Good luck with the pg and tandem feeding (I'm another planning to do it unless ds self-weans before the birth in Sept)

Twiglett · 22/03/2007 08:19

sorry x-posted with you don't express

well I'd still try to build bridges personally (even though its intensely irritating) and remember that in a month or so she can help feed him / prepare food for his weaning / blw

Twiglett · 22/03/2007 08:22

my own mother was patently disgusted (thinly veiled comments) at my continuing to breastfeed past the first few months .. and when it got to 10 months I started getting more pointed comments

at the time it felt horrific but with the benefit of hindsight and some further rational exploration of both sides of feelings I can actually understand where and why she was coming for .. so her feelings whilst still incorrect in my opinion (and current advice) were still justifiably her feelings and it would have been possible for me to respect her and not blow things out of proportion

(I did of course we had blazing, stomping rows .. but what a waste of time and feeling)

MaeWest · 22/03/2007 08:23

Relationships with the in-laws are often a bit strained when grandchildren come along. The trouble is, anything you do different from them can be seen as a criticism of the way they parented (I'm not excusing her by the way). As long as you feel happy bf you just have to try and rise above it, perfect your vague smile and change the subject. Make sure your DH backs you up too.

You wait until you've started weaning onto solids... My MIL was surprised to learn that our 7 mo DS wasn't going to be getting any Easter eggs .

MaeWest · 22/03/2007 08:24

x-posted with Twiglett there

Original poster
millysimmons · 22/03/2007 08:25

Twiglet, Am not against FF & have told her so, its just not we have chosen to do.
Not at all keen on letting her feed him as DS is a little scared of her as she is always so loud & gets up close & he always ends up crying, she then passes him straight back to me as its not her responsibility to look after a crying baby! Therefore feel reluctant to fork out on bottles, pump, steriliser etc as well as the time for me to express just to keep her quiet. We have also talked about women expressing milk & she doesnt see why they bother, they should just give formula cause its probably better than bm.
Think its always going to be a bit of a stale mate just kind of wanted to smooth it out so dont face this everytime she has a gc!!

OP posts:
MaeWest · 22/03/2007 08:28

Milly - sometimes you can't make it alright for people, but that's ok. All you can do is be reasonable and polite. There are lots of other things that she can do as a grandmother as your DS grows up (and your baby is still pretty young, so not surprised he gets startled by loud people)

Original poster
millysimmons · 22/03/2007 08:29

UM, yes we have also been down the easter egg route!!She keeps showing me the photo of DH covered in chocolate aged about 5/6 months & saying she cant wait to get one of my DS like that!!Tried to make light of it & joke that her bump gc would like it very much!!!

OP posts:
MaeWest · 22/03/2007 08:30

Yep, I offered to do the decent thing too . Well, wouldn't like to think of it going to waste...

littleEasterlapin · 22/03/2007 08:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

IF it was anyone but your MIL, you'd tell her to eff off and mind her own bloody business, wouldn't you... if there is any chance of her responding reasonably, could you find some of the (copious amounts of) research indicating the benefits of BFing and show it to her?

In the end, they are your children, and you are going to carry on doing what you feel best; maybe you could say that she is upsetting you and refuse to go and visit unless she stops this behaviour; after all, why should you have to put up with it?!

BandofMothers · 22/03/2007 08:42

I would just tell her your bfing and that is that. She's wasting her breath so may as well stop goig on. I hate pumping and haven't bothered with dd2. have left her 3 times (7 mths old) before she was eating food and she would not take the formula. Chances are your ds wouldn't either. I couldn't switch to ff if I wanted to.

My mil made comments too. When she'd walk in thr room and I was feeding, it'd be eye rolling, tutting, "Is she feeding AGAIN?" and me saying, "um yes,she's like 2 weeks old and pretty much feeds every 2 hours!"
Had the doesn't she need water? argument too, as she was born in Aug.
In the end I gave up trying to explain as i got sick of repeating myself.

Wags · 22/03/2007 08:49

God I was so lucky with MIL, she is as mad as a bag of frogs but great with anything like this, she just let me get on with it. What we did do when she visited was make great use of her lap! After I had fed and they had gone all dozy and lovely she would take them and was happy to sit for ages whilst they slept. Mine were both quite demanding and fed a lot so it was heaven to off load onto her and I knew she rather liked that fact that the would settle for her. But then she was never in their face at all, she would wait for them to come round to her not trying to push it so that probably helped. Could MIL maybe wind DS, would he let her do that? Make a bit of a thing of it and say how he doesn't wind as well for you or something.

danae · 22/03/2007 09:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
millysimmons · 22/03/2007 09:11

danane, must be hard with it being your mum. the follolwing gaze thing rings such bells!!
wags, will try the winding, but she will never sit in the same room as me when I feed as she "doesn't want to see me topless"!!This makes DH laugh as he says I am so discreet its amazing!! Have asked her before to rock him off & maybe sing him a lullaby but she told me she doesnt know how to do that & wnats to play with him!!!I am sure she will be excellent fun when he's older.

OP posts:
Wags · 22/03/2007 09:12

Your tounge must be red and swollen from biting it!!!! You are doing a great job, its her thats missing out! Good luck.

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