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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Flack from MIL for being a breastfeeding mum

54 replies

millysimmons · 22/03/2007 08:09

My MIL really objects to me BF my 5 month old DS. From birth she has given me a lot of grief about it, yesterday she really went to town & was saying I was selfish as she was not able to give him a bottle & yet she had been able to FF her niece at the weekend but not her gs!!! I told her we had made a decision to BF, it was our choice, DH fully supports me & really believes it is the best thing for DS. Things went from bad to worse as she decided that DH was disgusted in her cause he was FF. I explained that wasnt right but there are a lot of health benefits etc for the child. She rounded it off by saying I was saying her children wherent fit & healthy & I was only BF as it was fashionable.
Been upset about this all night so wanted any ideas of how to try & resolve the issue. It's going to rear its hear again as I am pregnant am hoping to tandem feed.
Any advice gladly recieved & sorry to moan

OP posts:

Freckle · 22/03/2007 09:16

The thing is as soon as you make a decision about something, you are tacitly implying that any other decision is wrong/worse. So you deciding to breastfeed because of the health benefits, in her eyes is saying that she didn't do the best for her children.

A very skewed way of looking at it, but that's probably how she sees it. I had exactly the same thing with my MIL. I breastfed all mine until they were over a year old (15 months with DS3 - only stopped with the others because I wanted to get pregnant again) and MIL constantly made little snippy comments about it. She couldn't breastfeed dh because she was extremely ill after his birth and didn't see him for 3 weeks. With SIL she felt she couldn't b/f her as she hadn't done it with dh. So not entirely her fault that she didn't b/f, but I think she feels she has to justify the formula feeding by knocking the breast feeding.

This is probably what your MIl is doing, but in a very nasty way. You should get your dh to speak to her very firmly about it. She'll take stuff from him that she won't from you.

caygill132 · 22/03/2007 09:22

My mil was/is the same..must be a mil thing! She couldn't have children so adopted so therefore couldn't bf...I think that is the main problem. By accepting bf is the best for babies she is admitting she didn't/couldn't give the best for her 2. Which is of course a load of rubbish, we do what we feel is best for OUR children. She has said 2x now, next time you must encourage the baby to take a bottle, everytime I say I would not do anything different. My dd is 8 months & only took a bottle until she was 12weeks, one day she just refused & that was that. She has took it from a spoon from about 3-4months until about a month ago when she takes sips from a cup or waits until my return. Just stand your ground once she realises you are not backing down she will get bored & now we are tackling the " are you not letting her have chocolate yet" issue...."well maybe Ice-cream then!!!" It never stops this is just the start of the "I know better than you" argument that will probably continue for some years yet! Just smile & do what you want to do! Mums know best!!

Notquitegrownup · 22/03/2007 09:27

Totally agree with Freckle. I had this with my own mother and eventually worked out that I was making her feel bad, as that generation was brought up believing there are rights and wrongs, so if you are right, she must have been wrong.

I never managed to reassure my mum, but perhaps you could say something like, "Look, I know that this must be frustrating for you, but we have decided that we want ds to be bf, and that is what we're going to do. I know that some babies are happy with ff, but it's not for us. There will be lots of chances for you to get involved with him - would you like to do the next nappy? I can feel a really special one coming up!!"

twelveyeargap · 22/03/2007 09:32

Haven't had time to read the whole thread but am inclined to agree that she might feel a bit guilty about not bf her own kids. That, or she just genuinely does not get it.

If your LO is five months, you'll probably be starting him on solids within the next month or so. Bring into conversation how you intend to do that (so you don't get chocolate forced on your DS!) and you could say she'll be able to have fun spoon feeding him instead.

WinkyWinkola · 22/03/2007 09:41

Yeah, you're being REALLY selfish by breastfeeding your baby. What a moo your MIL sounds. Wish I could meet her.

Why do grandmothers always think it's their god given right to make snippy comments, to feed the babies and to basically criticise other mothers? It makes me really cross. My MIL is astonished that I"m still bfing my DS at 23 months (I almost wish I wasn't, it has to be said!) but she now knows that I couldn't care less what she thinks, especially after all the horrid things she said to me in the beginning.

You're doing a great job. Stick to your guns and breastfeed for as long as you like. Tell her this issue is simply not about her - it's about giving your baby a great start in life. She's just not part of the nutritional equation at this stage. That's just tough on her.

Perhaps when you wean him, she can feed him then.

twentypence · 22/03/2007 09:41

Do people really bf because it's fashionable? - what a curious comment.

Original poster

millysimmons · 22/03/2007 09:47

twentypence- not me. never even thought it was fashionable...

OP posts:

nogoes · 22/03/2007 09:56

She is selfish. I can't think of anything to constructive to say because I have my angry head on. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr Bloody MIL's!

DaisyMOO · 22/03/2007 10:18

But of course - having breastmilk vomit down your back rather than formula vom - such a fashion statement

danae · 22/03/2007 10:26

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 22/03/2007 10:36

I think she's being extraordinarily selfish, tbh.

OK, so she has hang-ups and insecurities. But being an adult, means not inflicting our hang-ups and insecurities on other people, particularly on someone who is still vulnerable with hormones racing round doing her best for a tiny baby.

I think you need to get your DH to put his foot down and tell her in no uncertain terms that breastfeeding is something non-negotiable, you are doing it for your baby and as a grandmother, there are masses of other things she can do for and with her grandchild than feed him. (It's much better coming from him, it's easier for him to tell her that her negative attitude is upsetting you. She has an equal duty to ensure your relationship is good, and it sounds to me like you're bending over backwards.)

And well done you for carrying on regardless!

Tapster · 22/03/2007 10:41

Snap, same position with my 4.5 month old. I don't get any sympathy about my recent night wakings both MILs and 2 SILs telling me to give formula. Both SILs seem to thinking a diet of hungry baby milk + medised would be the answer.... Worked for their babies, one of which is in hospital with suspected complications from allergies...

bundle · 22/03/2007 10:42

if she's feeling left out, let her do the winding/burping so your ds can (hopefully) puke over her..

terramum · 22/03/2007 10:48

From what you have said she sounds like she had her babies when formula was considered to be better than bm & so its unlikely that she has been party to any of the recent research & advice.....I would just keep saying "my baby" and carry on with whatever you want to do....maybe start printing off the official UK guidelines to show her or if she uses the internet start giving her links to places like Kellymom or LLL....she is being incredibly rude about it, but you cant blame her for not being aware of the issues...it might help if your DH had a word or if he was the one giving the links & leaflets...she might be inclined to listen to him more

margo1974 · 22/03/2007 10:50

Tell her to put the kettle on and make you a cuppa while you b/f your DS and do a bit of tidying up, make your lunch, tackle the ironing etc.

It will give her something else to moan about

Grow up Granny!

malaleche · 22/03/2007 10:54

OP your mil just doesnt want to feel that what she did when her kids were wee was 'wrong'. my mum recently told me i was completey weaned from the breast around 4 mo , which would explain my food allergies....but, since she was only doing things acording to what was recommended at the time and says she lacked the confidence to continue when her milk seemed to be drying up i cant blame her or be angry...

Stargazer · 22/03/2007 10:56

Ignore her - she's being very silly. If you would like her to be able to feed your DS - perhaps you could try expressing some milk (but don't worry my DD didn't like the bottle at all!!). I think you're giving your DS the best start he can have.

chopchopbusybusy · 22/03/2007 10:58

When she had her babies it was probably 'fashionable' to bottle feed. I did have to try to bite my tongue over some of the things my MIL said when DDs were babies (and to a lesser extent my Mum too). Try to stay calm and involve her in things that are less contraversial.
I'm looking forward to logging onto Mumsnet in the future to see what our daughter and son in laws are criticising about us

Ali5 · 22/03/2007 11:01

I really feel for you, my MIL was much the same. She didn't really understand breastfeeding and made comments such as 'is he feeding again?' 'I don't think he can be getting enough, have you thought about a bottle' etc. She also rang my mum to get her to persuade me to give ds a bottle.
It's definitely a generation thing, she ff her two and it worked for her and didn't understand the benefits of bf. The way we dealt with it was to tell her why we'd decided to bf and that we were happy with the way things were going. There were a few bitten tongue moments but on the whole it dwindled off when she realised it wasn't up for discussion. You certainly need to be strong about this, because it doesn't stop at b/f. We then got comments about when we going to wean ds, what he ate, shock horror at finger foods and I'm sure it will continue - we just deal with them all in the same way and the proof is that she has a very happy contented grandson, and THAT'S the final answer to anything she has to say!

cathcart · 22/03/2007 11:22

hence the comedians favourite "my mother in law...." !

I would carry on with what you are doing milly, don't listen to the old bag! is it worth trying to sit down and explain how much she upsets you when she makes these comments, is there a better side you can appeal to? If not, just let it go in one ear and out the other.
I think the world of my mil but she does have a tendancy to get my back up when offering her 'well meaning advice' on how to look after my 7wk dd, - enter discussions on routines(of course her dc's were in a routine from day one and slept through the night by 12 weeks), feeding(like bandofmothers - "is she feeding AGAIN?!"), cot bumpers (safest according to her), water (a must do acc to her), car seat (shouldn't use it - "you can't see her in the back), numerous inappropriate winter outfits bought for dd to wear when 3-6months (in the summer! - I know I'll get "I haven't seen her wear xyz yet?!" followed by a hurt and upset expression.
Sorry - i'm totally ranting now! I've opened up my own little can of mil gripes! feel free to continue...

One last one - oh the subject of how she didn't have a washing machine yet managed perfectly well with all the terry nappies for her two. I don't give a shit! I have a wahing machine, I don't use terry's and I still DON'T manage all the washing - shoot me!

cathcart · 22/03/2007 11:52

naturegirl · 22/03/2007 13:32

I can't understand why relatives are so un supportive. I remember with my first having an awful time with b/f and being under enormous pressure to FF. I ended up mixed feeding until 7mths. I now know that it was an attachment issue and being put under a lot of stress. As i am successfully BF second. What struck me at the time was how angry i was that a whole generation of women did not know how to BF. I could have done with the support, it's like we are having to learn from scratch. I wonder as well if the previous generation being encouraged to early FF and wean, were they disapproved of by their relatives. Is some of this bad vibe because they wanted to BF? I've heard horrible stories from that generation about having their milk taken away with tablets, and being told by horrible Mw that they didn't have milk, or couldn't possibly feet that size of baby. Someone tell me how i feed this 18lb lump?

grannycracksopenabottleofwine · 22/03/2007 13:45

milly, have just read the op and it sounds like your mil, for whatever reason, has not grown up yet. i suggest you should expect her to behave like a child. so humour her, but draw the line when it's important, firmly.

MrsGumby · 22/03/2007 13:51

My M-I-L is the only person who has ever said "cover yourself up" to me...her 21-year-old nephew was visiting and would be "embarrassed", she said!!! The fact that I was showing about 1cm was by-the-by but this came from a woman who'd breastfed five kids herself!!! Maybe they had special breastfeeding tents or caves back in the dark ages

BandofMothers · 23/03/2007 08:57

Do you really care what she thinks. I didn't and hence just gave up pandering to her huffing and eyerolling. Like a child. Don't give her the attention she wants and she might shut up.

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