Baby 2 weeks old, giving up breastfeeding, heartbroken and need some support.

[Lucinda15]

I have one 5yo DS who I breastfed for 10 months. We persevered through latching issues which made the first few weeks/months very hard work. There were lots of tears and heartache but I got through it breastfeeding him is one of my proudest achievements. Although, looking back at his his first few months i realised how clouded they were with the difficulties we had breastfeeding. I developed PND and I'm quite sure the anxiety and difficulties with breastfeeding contributed to that. I promised myself if I had another I wouldn't put myself under so much pressure to breastfeed.

I've just had DC2. She is two weeks old. We have had terrible difficulties breastfeeding. The latch has been awful, I've been in terrible pain despite a huge amount of guidance and support from midwives/breastfeeding counsellors/HV's who have been round almost daily. On the face of it our latch looks fine, but I am early always in pain, and if I do get a pain free latch for some reason we can't maintain it. I have had her properly checked for tongue tie by a specially trained midwife who confirmed she didn't have it. I've developed an awful cracked and bleeding nipple which has been excrutiating. I was feeding though it but have now decided to express that side and feed only on my good side. But now the good side is feeling very sore and I think may be developing a crack. I just feel at my wits end with it.

I feel guilty about my DS who I've not been able to spend time with as I've been mainly breastfeeding or expressing inbetween feeds. I've also been really stressed and irritable and have been bad tempered with him unfairly which makes me feel like a shitty mum! My DH has been holding the fort around the house but is going back to work next week and I'm dreading managing the school run and everything else around painful frequent feeds and expressing. I just don't feel I can invest the same amount of time getting through this like I did with my son.

We are on the verge of giving up and switching to formula but I'm having real dilemmas about this. It was so important to me to breastfeed, and I felt after my son I could work through anything. But I really feel I've tried everything I can and I'm getting nowhere. And I remember what I promised myself about not putting pressure on myself next time. But I still feel guilty for giving up and worry I'm not doing the best for my daughter. But I really don't think I can carry on.

I am nor sure what I'm after by posting this.... would just like a little bit of reassurance that it's ok to give up and put this behind me

It's very very difficult with #2. No doubt about it. Much more stressful than with the first. You're going through all of the difficulties of BF, and you're stuck to the sofa.

I sometimes regret not giving up after two weeks with my second. The following months were not fun. I really only started to enjoy things after I switched to bottles. I wish my earliest memories of being her Mum weren't bittersweet. It was all a bit grim for the first 6 months. I was very unhappy, very stressed, felt like a shit Mum to everyone.

People here will tell you to persevere - I won't.

Do what you want, or need, to do. Formula feeding is completely fine. So is mix feeding and adding a bit of formula at this stage doesn't mean you can't bf if you want to. But don't force yourself to bf if it is making you unhappy - it isn't worth it.

It sounds as if you can say you have given it a really good try and it is not working out for you. You have had lots of help and support and that hasn't made a difference. Be kind to yourself, you have done your best. It's ok to move on to formula. Perhaps if you transition by expressing and feeding breastmilk you will find the change easier to cope with. Don't make yourself ill over this. Be proud of what a good mum you are and do what it takes to enjoy your family and don't waste time feeling guilty. It really sounds from your post like you have made a decision that's right for you.

Aw your having a very rough time and it's such a shame that nobody can get to the bottom on it for you. As a last ditch effort would you try nipple shields? Medical profs don't often recommend them because baby often won't feed without them but I've seen people use them long term very successfully. Feeding & pumping is just too time consuming and it's simply not sustainable to continue feeding in the pain you are in.

You've tried so hard and that is brilliant and commendable. If you formula feed your baby will be just fine. If you do want to try anything else as a final attempt, these are perhaps obvious but helped me with pain and ongoing latching issues after tongue tie snip: rugby hold on a proper pillow, paracetamol regularly for a few days, gel breast pads, Lansinoh before feeds as well as after. (And others do have success with shields).

You dont have to give to completely; you could forumula feed most of the time and keep the bed time feed. You'd give yourself time to heal by only feeding once a day but youd still get the closeness and bonding time and still pass on the benefits of breastfeeding.

Theres no shame in formula feeding. Your and well being is important too.

It's ok to stop bf'g. Sometimes it feels like you need permission to stop but it's ok. Your baby will be fine if you decide to ff instead. You have given two weeks of bf'g which is fabulous.

I managed 2 weeks with my first. I managed about 3 feeds with my second, none of which were successful as he wouldn't latch and I was too scared to keep trying. I felt guilty for stopping with DS1 and for not really trying with DS2 but I wanted to enjoy being a mum, and first time round I didn't enjoy it much. Your mental health is so, so important too. Do not underestimate that. I truly believe that happy mum = happy baby. Your baby will benefit from having a mum who isn't stressed, who is calmer and who isn't in pain. You are doing a fab job xx

My DD had a severe tongue tie and I hated feeding her, dreaded it, had tears with the pain. Also my breasts are VERY large so BF outside of the house was hard work without exposing myself. I persevered but when someone suggested I combination feed it was SO liberating. Her tongue tie has been fixed and BF no longer hurts but I am still combination feeding and honestly would go over to that completely if it still hurt. You need to be happy and not in pain. Having a baby (plus a another little one in your case) is such hard work. I honestly think formula feeding is the right choice here for you. You could also express if you have the time so she still gets some breast milk.

Have you tried using nipple shields? I had very similar issues with my DS and they were the only way I could continue - used them for about 4 months in the end.

Also the other thing I did was switch the mix feeding so he had two bottles of formula a day. It was enough to give me a break and not have to dread every feed but meant I could still do some breastfeeding. Eventually I cut down to just a bedtime bottle.

Whatever happens you've done brilliantly doing 2 weeks of feeding, I know how awful it is and can't imagine the challenge of doing it with a child already. Don't be too hard on yourself and if you need to stop its fine and your baby will be fed and happy either way.

I was surprised how sore I got bf dd2 after the first one. Nothing is more important than your mental health. I remember the advice I got was to try and stick it out til 6 weeks because the soreness resolved by then, but you can only do what you can do, it's only food and not some magical elixir of eternal life.

These worked so much better than lasinoh - that did nothing for my cracked/sore boobs

www.boots.com/multi-mam-compresses-1-x-12-pack-10078094

Yes agree with above ^^ the Multimam comoresss are amazing! I actually cut mine in half too as you can use one for both nipples!

Thank you so much for the kind messages. I'm afraid I have already tried nipple shields and am using the multi-mam compresses also. The nipple shields initially were very good but I stopped using for a while and then tried them again and found them agony the second time round which was so frustrating! Have also tried various positions, including rugby hold. Again, initially very comfy but then gradually became very painful and hard to get a good latch. I am also taking paracetamol regularly. I really feel I've exhausted every option to try and fix this.

Anyway. Over the last 24-48 hours I've felt a LOT calmer and happier now I'm only expressing from bad side, i am in much less pain and feel I'm getting a break. DH is able to feed the expressed milk and I feel I can spend a bit more time with DS and get away from the sofa!

DH and I discussed things and decided to go with formula. I think I kind of want to try combination feeding as I have so much milk I don't really want to let it dry up, but dnt know how to do this! We tried to do just formula feeds overnight last night and I became very engorged. I expressed a bit in the early hours and then ended up doing a breastfeed this morning as I still had so much milk and it was actually easier than going and getting the formula! But I'm confused about how I can establish a routine with formula/breastfeeding as it's such early days and I'm not sure how my supply will settle into it. Has anyone done this? Or have any tips? I'd quite like to do formula mainly but perhaps breastfeed in the morning (as my milk seems so heavy then) or now and then throughout the day.

Thank you again for the support it has really helped me come to terms with this decision. I really feel it's best for us as a family, and I really have felt such a lot happier and calmer over the last couple of days now I've taken the pressure of breastfeeding away a bit. Hopefully we can make this work.

If you want to combination feed you can either do whole breastfeeds at some times and whole bottle feeds at others or you can offer breast first and then top up with formula. Its really up to you.

But I did want to come on and say that my dc were all tongue tied and all three were missed by "specially trained midwives" and lactation consultants in the first couple of days. They had posterior tongue ties which are harder to diagnose anyway and only presented after a few days/weeks. My first wasn't diagnosed till 6 weeks despite being checked regularly. Your description of how it feels is exactly what I remember so if you can afford approx £100 I'd get a lactation consultation and double check the tongue tie.

And having breastfed, bottle fed and combination fed, I totally understand the emotions caught up in feeding your dc but having come out of the end of it now I can see it really doesn't matter in the long run. You do your best and that's what counts!!

With my combination feeding my boobs did seem to quickly settle with this. I generally do the below but does depend on what I do, where I go out and for how long. If I've gone too long and she's just been formula fed when I get home then I pump for ten mins and this works a treat....

Morning/before I go out
BF

Lunchtime/afternoon feeds
Formula

Early evening
BF or formula (depends on if I'm out or if I'm home and cooking dinner then my husband can feed her if formula)

Evening and late evening
BF (if I'm still out, day out for example I'll formula again as my supply is ok with this but occasionally it can get a bit backed up so as soon as I am home I'll BF her but if she's fed and not interested I'll pump).

Overnights
BF and formula depending on how tired I am! She takes a bottle MUCH quicker than BFing and also my husband will take her sometimes for the whole night so I can sleep through!

When BF and I know it'll be a while till she BFs again or it's been formula all day and she's not BF for a while I'll get her to feed from both sides to even it up.

Best of luck if you try this method, I've loved it, especially after such a bad awful start.

Thanks RNbrie - the midwife we had check for tongue tie was a private midwife who is qualified to check tongue tie. we spent £150 on her to come and assess and she reckoned DD didn't have tongue tie. To be honest it was a bit of a blow as I really feel I've tried everything and still can't get this latch right, it feels like there is something blocking any progress we try and make. I'm not sure we can afford to get a second opinion although I'd quite like one but perhaps I'm clutching at straws. It has left me feeling a bit blue because it means I should be able to get the latch sorted myself but I just can't achieve it.

I am going to try and combination feed somehow, not sure about how to manage this or get my supply establish to meet the needs of it, but I'll give it my best shot.

Thanks again for all the support x

ooh smooch thanks so much for the example routine! I like the look of that, and hope its something I can work out. I just don't want to dry up.... feeling a bit more positive tho. Thank U so much x

I could have written your post OP. Almost exactly the same issues with both. Like you I persevered with my first, but not as long. Ended up with PND and I do think the issues I had contributed to that. With my second I had an amazing midwife who at two weeks pp basically said, "Look, I know I'm supposed to promote breastfeeding but this clearly isn't working for you. It's really not worth the pain and stress this is causing you. Give her a bottle." It was almost as though having permission from a health professional was what I needed to not feel guilty. Nearly two years on and my daughter is thriving and I didn't get PND with her. Please don't feel guilty, you have already given her the best possible start and a happy mum equals a happy baby

My experience of breastfeeding with dd was exactly the same experience that you have had.
I was so determined to breastfeed throughout my whole pregnancy and ended up producing tons of milk too! But because of all the difficulties i was so miserable and felt devasted to think of switching to bottle. I felt really dissappointed in myself. Ended up switching to formula and it was the best thing we could have done. My dp can now help feed and dd seems more settled being on the bottle. I did have a few comments from people along the lines of 'breast is best' and 'you must keep trying' blah blah blah. Dont ever feel disappointed though you've done so good and some people dont even last 2 weeks! It will be so much better for everyone!

I mixed fed DS from the get go for a variety of reasons. I don't remembe having a strict FF/BF routine - just did whichever was most convienient in the moment (I think by the time we got to 5-6 months it settled into FF being 'meal times' and BF being 'snacks'/overnight)

But what worked out great for us in the end is that by 1 year food took over FF and we continued BF, mostly at bedtime, until just before his 2nd birthday (obviously not a goal for everyone!) Which I was pretty proud of.

There's no way I could have continued BF if we hadn't mixed it up with FF, so although some people worry about nipple confusion etc with bottles I'd always say it's worth a try, and no need to get too hung up on the FF/BF balance or routine x

I went back to work at 7 mos and mixed fed dd from ooh about 4 months. It worked fine for us, we stopped bf altogether about 10 months. I wouldn't let bf ruin your experience with your baby, it's not worth it.

Hi op, how are you getting on now?

Hello! Thank you for asking

I'm ok. Seems like an age since I wrote that post! Unfortunately we gave up breastfeeding completely.

My nipples continued to crack and bleed. I had rested my bad nipple for a week, but was in agony as soon I put DS back on. Both nipples were cracked and bleeding despite trying to combi feed.. And I asked the midwife back to help with a feed one day. After another very painful and upsetting feed, she said she thought I really had tried everything and perhaps it was time now to call it a day. So unfortunately I gave up. It turns out I did have thrush and mastitis which I got treatment for, but it was too late to continue breastfeeding. I really was at the end of my tether.

However, it's not been plain sailing. DD began to show signs of dairy allergy (DS also had CMPA and egg allergy but as was breastfed we did not discover this till much later). So we have been on a rollercoaster of symptom spotting, consultant appointments and formula trials. To cut a long story short it seems she may not be allergic after all but some suspicious symptoms remain..... which have led me to become more convinced there is a tongue or lip tie issue. I have booked her in for a second opinion with a different practitioner next week.

3 weeks after giving up breastfeeding I was so fraught with the allergy issue that I decided to put her back on the boob, as I had not quite dried up. After two feeds I was in agony, cracked and bleeding again. I just don't think that's normal after 3 weeks rest. And I'm no novice to breastfeeding, I know how to get a good latch.... it's been playing on my mind ever since and I really just want to rule it out once and for all.

If she isn't lip/tongue tied I will accept it and move on. But if she is, it will really explain a lot! X

It sounds like you need to see a good lactation consultant, they will check for tounge tie and also look at latch and positioning. I know you said you know how to get a good latch but some babies are trickier to latch than others and sometimes a really good LC can just do something small that makes all the difference to the latch.

Have you tried the flipple technique? It can help to get a deep latch, often shallow latch and/or tounge tie causes nipple trauma.

Also, has the thrush definitely cleared? Sometimes it can take many weeks to go and you can reinfect yourself by not putting bras on a hot enough wash or if baby wasn't fully clear when you tried feeding again.

Thanks littletwofeet. I saw an IBLCL (or whatever the correct letters are 😂) who checked for tongue tie, and checked my technique. Alongside various midwives, breastfeeding counsellors, support groups etc who also helped me with my latch. They all said I was doing it well. There were a few tweaks here and there, some that helped. I relied quite a lot on the flipple technique, which was really helpful. But essentially, i couldn't make any progress for some reason and honestly felt I was banging my head against a brick wall. I may go back to the docs re. The thrush as I'm not convinced that's completely gone. But I'm no longer breastfeeding unfortunately so it's not bothering me in that sense. If she does have a lip/tongue tie it will be a relief to know there was a reason for our difficulties but I'm not pinning all my hopes on it. I've accepted it just didn't work out and I know I did my absolute best. My main concern now is to get to the bottom of her feeding issues on the bottle and diagnosis of potential allergy, and if the lip/tongue tie diagnosis can help with that then I have to get this second opinion.