feel guilty about not breastfeeding- baby in intensive care.

[ionesmum]

my lovely baby girl was born by emergency c-section under a general anaesthetic and was in intensive care. She hated breastfeeding, would pull my nipples and thrash around, and scream for hours with fustration because she couldn't latch on. Eventually I got cracked nipples and mastisis and myn g.p. advised to bottle-feed. I was in no fit state to do anything so my husband took over. I had the symptoms for mastisis from the day we came home but my midwife said that it was tiredness. Then when I told her that I was bottle-feeding she said that I lacked courage! Of course she is right - I will never come to terms with how I have let my little girl down. Other mums point out to me that they have had cracked nipples and mastisis but still breastfed so I must be a coward. My baby is 12 weeks' now so it's too late to try again. Has anyone else been through this?

I dont think you are a coward, it is painful and you need lots of the right support to carry on. This is one of my fears that everything is taken out of my hands.
Im sure you can start breastfeeding again, there are others on this site who will be able to advise you much better than me. Dont beat yourself up about it, you love your daughter and thats what counts.

I think you are very courageous and brave for wanting to do this. The worst is to feel guilty... but on a positive note :
You can breastfeed again... I have been researching the subject recently... it does take determination and the baby's cooperation.
Are there any lactation consultants near you ???
If so you should speak to them and I am sure they would give you personal advice and support but it is completely feasible "theoretically"

Ionesmum, how could the midwife say such a terrible thing to you? She deserves to be sacked!

You have not let your little girl down. You have loved her, fed her, cuddled her, done everything you reasonably can for her - how can that be letting her down? You made the only decision you could at a time when you had so much to cope with - how many of those other mums had to go through what you went through? Don't be so hard on yourself - I remember how exhausted and emotional I felt when my babies were 12 weeks old, and how hard it was to get everything in perspective. Don't let anyone else put you down for not breastfeeding - anyone who does so obviously doesn't understand what you were going through at the time, and how brave and wonderful you've managed to be. Just remember that your daughter will love you desperately however you feed her - try and relax a bit and enjoy her.

Ionesmum, stop beating yourself up!! You are not a coward, for all those mums who carried on through cracked nipples etc there are just as many who thought"sod this,". Had all those mums had the stressful time you had?? You have not let your dd down, by doing something to make you feel fitter and more able to look after her, you have done the BEST for her. As for the midwife, words fail me. At least you're signed off now (i'm assuming from your baby's age) and can put her thoughtless unhelpful comments behind you.

I understand that you may feel disappointed but the best thing you can do is concentrate on being the best mum you can by giving her loads of love and enjoying your time with her.

ionesmum, how insensitive of the midwife, especially given what you've been through..I've not been through your experiences but I did 3 have terrible bouts of mastitis and tea strainers shoved into my bra to ease the pain & discomfort of fabric on my cracked nipples. my health visitor constantly suggested a bottle and I became more bloody minded about breastfeeding, so continued through all the pain which I know upset my dh. ok, so all the evidence is that breast is best, but sometimes circumstances mean that's not possible. please don't beat yourself up over this, there's no way you've let down your little girl down, she's lucky to have been born to such a caring mother.

My lovely friend is having a lot of trouble breastfeeding at the moment and is having to supplement and is very sad about maybe having to bottle feed. However, as others remind her, she was adopted as a tiny baby so was never breastfed - BUT she couldn't have been closer to her mother, is healthy, well loved, went to Cambridge and is now incredibly successful. Clearly, breastfeeding isn't everything. LOVE is everything and you clearly love your daughter to bits. Stupid cow of midwife. Horrible, rude other mums. What a horrible insensitive things to say. I'm pretty sure I would't have breastfed if I'd faced half of your problems. Try again if you really want to (I'm sure people on the site can help if you do) but otherwise just enjoy your relationship with your lovely little girl. You DIDN'T let her down. She's lucky to have such a devoted mum. Don't let this depress you. Go see your GP if you feel depressed (you sound rather down and very hard on yourself) - at least you know he/she won't judge you! - and they may be able to help you feel better.

As a midwife I am shocked about what your own midwife said. I really feel that you have been let down badly by the professionals involved in your care. This is an example where advice to bottle feed has negated the responsibility to help you through your problems and left you feeling guilty.
It seems to me you made a decision on the advice given at the time. You got off to a really bad breastfeeding start and should have received better adice. I do not think that you should feel guilty but the professionals should for letting you down.
Theoretically you could restart breastfeeding but realistically that is not perhaps the best option. I agree with what Azzie has said in her post. Try to put all this behind you and enjoy your baby.

Aloha - have you read the domperidone thread. That might help your friend if she is having to supplement?

How dare she say you lack courage? This makes me livid... It sounds to me like you're doing brilliantly by your baby after having a terrible time at the birth. You must be very brave and courageous to have got to the posting on Mumsnet stage just 12 weeks after such a difficult first birth experience. Try not to worry too much about not breastfeeding and ignore other Mums and midwives if they start playing "I suffered bravely for my child and you didn't" games. It's just their own insecurity coming through. Talking of suffering bravely- I'll bet the majority of them didn't have to have a general anaesthetic.

Take no notice of the horrible woman, how dare she say that you lacked courage you have just done the most courages(sp) thing ever you gave birth. You didn't have an easy time so you had to do what was best for you and baby.I had an easy birth and everything went as it should, I breastfed Ds for only 3 weeks because he wasn't content and i was unhappy,he became totally different once he went on a bottle , he slept better and was a happy little bundle of joy and i enjoyed him more because i wasn't tired all the time and Dh could help out.It hasn't done Ds any harm being bottle fed 'he's happy and healthy.Dont feel as though you have to breastfeed but you can always give it another go if YOU want to.Dont forget you are not a coward you are BRILLIANT .Big hug from me.

Sobernow- didn't they suggest bottlefeeding breast milk ?

I think you should report her for her behaviour.

ionesmum - definitely don't feel guilty! It sounds as though everything was against you breastfeeding. You aren't a coward: I am one of those mums who persevered through pain etc to breastfeed, BUT I had lots of support at the right moments, also I hadn't just had a c-section, also my babies took to it right away, so it wasn't quite the uphill struggle that you faced. The worst thing is when health professionals are advising the bottle, as they bring all their medical knowledge to bear, and you can't be sure if what they are saying is the one and only truth, or if it's just their opinion.

Why not give it a try at getting breastfeeding re-established as others have suggested, at least trying it might make you feel better, and you never know, it might work!

ionesmum, poor you. You are not a coward, what a difficult first experience. Please don't feel guilty over not bfeeding, you must at least try to come to terms with it and forgive yourself. What a b**y thing for the midwife to say.

Is your little girl happy on the bottle and gaining weight? Hopefully she's doing well now - so you have done the best by her after all.

No way have you let your little girl down and anyone who has the guts to look after a screaming baby is not a coward. You are doing what is making her happy and content by bottle feeding her - it takes two to breastfeed!!! My daughter was born by emergency caesarian and ended up in SCBU for a week. We had problems getting started with BF and she had a couple of feeds from a cup. I had sore nipples, engorged boobs, mastitis etc and we got there in the end with a huge amount of help, which is NOT what your midwife is providing. I suspect that if we had not been in SCBU at a 'quiet' period we would not have got so much attention and I would not have persevered.

One of my most vivid memories of being in hospital is trying to BF DD with a BF adviser helping me position her and another nurse holding a syringe of Farleys alongside my nipple and squirting into DD's mouth to con her into believing that BF was the way to go!

Don't let your disappointment at not breastfeeding spoil this time. For the first few months BF seemed everything to me - looking back a year later it is only a distant memory. So too are the useless comments from medical/midwifery staff. I feel really angry on your behalf that something that the midwife probably said as an off the cuff casual remark can cause so much hurt.

ionesmum, just to echo what everyone else has said. You are not a coward at all. What the midwife said was out of order. Think of all the women that don't even try breastfeeding, nevermind gave it their best shot as it appears you did under very difficult circumstances. Don't beat yourself up about it by all means try again if that will make you feel better but don't make it the be all and end all. It's true what others say 12 weeks is a difficult time I think the tiredness starts to catch up on you. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Off the thread but, Hi Mears, thanks for that, I read your info and rushed off to tell her about it but apparently she'd already had something (the name escapes me) which included Domperidone in the mix (is this right?). She's now trying afternoon naps and more food and herbs to help. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her while remembering that it's important yes, but not the most important thing

ionesmum, I cannot believe this midwife, this is all completely new to you and what you really need is someone to SUPPORT whatever decision you make, not make you question your actions. I think you should go to your GP and report what she said to you so that at least the GP can have a word with her so that she doesn't say the same thing to some other poor woman.
I too had an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic. On about my 5th day of breastfeeding I was in agony with cracked, bleeding, nipples. I so remember having my head in my partners hands whilst feeding and him mopping up my tears. I swore that if the next day was as bad I would stop as I couldn't bear it. I was lucky, it was a little better the next day AND I did not have mastisis, that would have definitely made me decide to stop. I cannot imagine how painful it must have been for you, let alone on top of everything else you were going through. Please just accept that bottle-feeding was actually better for you, made you well again so you could look after and concentrate on your daughter.

Why do we mothers beat ourselves up so about breastfeeding? My first son was born after a very long and traumatic labour - I was so determined to breastfeed but was so exhausted that I spent the first ten days of his life in tears of frustration and disappointment. When I finally made the decision to bottlefeed I felt such a failure and I am sure that this affected my ability to bond with him. He is now thirteen and as has been said those early days are a distant memory (we now have teenage angst to deal with!) but I do regret that the pressure put on me by myself and others to succeed in breastfeeding spoilt some of the enjoyment I had in my first baby. You don't say if this is your first baby - but I went on to have two more and successfully breastfed both. I have just finished feeding my third child after a year and can't believe how well the feeding went. So just do what ever is best for you and your baby - relax and enjoy her!

I agree with Tillysmum, I'd report your midwife. She has no right to judge you. As with all parenting you have to do what you feel is best for you and your baby. It sounds like you've been through enough already. Take care x

Ionesmum,
Nothing much more to add except my sympathy. What a horrible woman, of course she is not right. You have not let your little one down. I tried to breastfeed my first for 3 months with mastitis, cracked nipples (the local paper came to take a picture of me with her because they were doing a piece on new babies born in a hospital where they were cutting maternity services and she threw up blood all over me just as they were about to take the picture) She wasn't putting on any weight and eventually they suggested I started to bottle feed. i did and she never looked back. I coudln;'t feel bad when I could see she was much happier. then I had no. 2 and fed her till she was 14 months - she put on 17 ozs in 3 days at one stage! My point being that you did what was best for your baby and what was best for you and you should never beat yourself up about that. You sound like a lovely mum and I wish you lots of luck. take care of yourself. xx

Ionesmum,I can only echo what others have already said - your midwife sounds like she was totally unsupportive - please don't be so hard on yourself about the breastfeeding - you have not let your little girl down. As for being a coward, I can't imagine anything more frightening than my DS being in intensive care, so just managing to get through that time shows your bravery. Hope your little girl is doing well now.

Oh ionesmum I really feel for you. I totally echo what other Mumsnetters have said. Your midwife obviously has had a compassion by-pass. My ds was born early (only 3 weeks mind) but he suffered with fairly severe jaundice. This made him extremely lethargic and so unable to breastfeed due to lack of energy. The hospital started giving him bottles of milk and I spent most of the week we were in hospital attached to a milking machine (sorry breast pump) and having to feed him using bottles. When we got home we never got the hang of breast feeding and we ended up supplementing his feeds with one bottle a night. I then started using nipples shields as a way of mimicing the bottles (!) However, by this time we were using bottles nearly all the time so that by the time ds was 6 months old he didn't have breastmilk at all. I'm sorry to ramble on and on but what I wanted to say was please don't beat yourself up about it. You did your very best. At the end of the day it's more important for you to be happy with your choice of feeding than suffering to do something that doesn't feel right. Your ds loves you because you are doing everything you can for her and you have most definitely NOT let her down by bottle feeding.

I'd like to add more of the same, Ionesmum - you have NOT let your little girl down by not breastfeeding her. You were given no support and some unacceptable negative comments at a time that must have been hugely stressful for you.
And you're not a coward either. So - some mums persevere through C-section recovery, cracked nipples and mastitis. (I had the two former, I admit). Everyone's pain threshold is different and what is bearable for some is just not for others. Accepting that fact isn't cowardly!
As others have said, if you really, really feel you want to restart breastfeeding again, it is not too late and specialist advisers can help you with this - your local contacts for the NCT, Association of Breastfeeding Mothers or the LaLeche League may know of someone who can give you the one-to-one support you deserve.
But don't feel you have to. Concentrate on enjoying Ione's company, feel happy and proud you both made it through a traumatic birth, and give yourself a big break. And report that shocker of a midwife.