feel guilty about not breastfeeding- baby in intensive care.

[ionesmum]

my lovely baby girl was born by emergency c-section under a general anaesthetic and was in intensive care. She hated breastfeeding, would pull my nipples and thrash around, and scream for hours with fustration because she couldn't latch on. Eventually I got cracked nipples and mastisis and myn g.p. advised to bottle-feed. I was in no fit state to do anything so my husband took over. I had the symptoms for mastisis from the day we came home but my midwife said that it was tiredness. Then when I told her that I was bottle-feeding she said that I lacked courage! Of course she is right - I will never come to terms with how I have let my little girl down. Other mums point out to me that they have had cracked nipples and mastisis but still breastfed so I must be a coward. My baby is 12 weeks' now so it's too late to try again. Has anyone else been through this?

ionesmum, you have not let your baby down and you are certainly not a coward. If only certain individuals realised the power of using even one inappropriate word!!!! You are doing the best for your baby in your circumstances that is all any parent can do... shower your little gorl with the love you obviously have for her and don't waste energy beating yourself up about this, best wishes,

ionesmum, I have already posted a previous thread on my breastfeeding experiences. I know exactly what you are going through and have so much sympathy with you. I still feel guilty for not being able to breastfed my son and think I always will to a certain extent. My midwife tried to help me breastfed again after I had stopped for a few days to give my very sore and cracked nipples a bit of time to heal (ha!) but restarting was a disaster and I was right back at square one as far as the guilt thing went. I really do hope you can restart breastfeeding but just think long and hard about it in case it doesn't work for you because it will just upset you all over again. I know that breast is best but even my HV advised me to switch to bottle as I was having such a difficult time and was so upset by my failed attempts, she could see that it wasn't doing my son any good having a weepy,exhausted and upset mum. When I finally switched to bottle feeding and accepted that I wasn't going to be able to breastfed I settled myself down and loved holding my baby close and singing and talking to him while bottlefeeding him. Bottle feeding still allows you to be close and as you daughter grows and you eventually start giving her solids you can make sure she gets a good healthy diet with lots of fresh fruit and veg. etc. Everyone comments on what a healthy diet my son has, he munches happily on broccoli, carrots, apples, bananas, he also loves chicken and pasta, all of this makes me feel a little less guilty about not having breastfed him. Time will ease your feelings of guilt, but for now enjoy your baby and try not to let these feelings consume you. You are a great mother, your concern does you credit but you are only human, don't beat yourself you over this!

Massive, massive thanks to everyone who has posted such loving & supportive messages. I can't put into words how much better I feel. My little one was happier from the moment she had her first bottle, and it helped us to bond - before I had dreaded picking her up because she was always hungry, always distressed and I was always in pain. Now we are very close & she has gained over 4lbs since her birth. It's just that there is so much publicity around about the deficiencies of bottle-feeding that you end up feeling like you're feeding your child with poison. Incidentally, our ante-natal classes did virtually nothing on breastfeeding correctly (the NCT one was full, which I'm sure would have been better.) I'm looking forward to weaning as I will have more control over her food and can ensure that it is as healthy as possible. I love my little one so much and we have such fun together, thank you for helping me on the way to realising that it is far better for us to be happy with bottles than to go on the way we were.About my midwife- I don't think that she was being nasty, just thoughtless. I can't believe how much better I feel- big thanks once again from a much happier and confidence-boosted mum!

Hooray for you Ionesmum, glad you are feeling so much better and having such fun with baby.x

Your messages really moved me, ionesmum. You've have such a lot of future ahead with your daughter. I hope you put the past behind you, where it belongs.

Good luck and hope you post here on mumsnet again.

Ionesmum, glad to hear you are feeling more positive, Mumsnet's great isn't it!

Glad to hear that things are so much better for you than they were ionesmum

ionesmum, thats awfull please dont feel guilty about bottle feeding at the end of the day isnt it better for your baby to have a happy and relaxed mum.I decided right from the start of my last pregnacy that i was going to bottle feed as my 2nd child caught a very serious infection from my breastmilk and went on to have loads of problems ,she is now disabled because of it.And even when my last son who is now 14 weeks old was born at 29 weeks i still stuck to my choice to bottle feed , i had alot of very uncareing remarks from doctors and nurses but i simply could not take the risk of passing on another infection.I get so annoyed of rude comments from others when i say i bottle feed surely it a personal choice , alot of people rate bottle feeding as second best ,well im sorry if i offend anyone but choosing to feed your baby a formula milk rather than breastmilk is just as good. I enjoy my baby so much more because im not a zombie and i dont feel like a failure.I breastfed my first son for 11 weeks and i hated it he was not getting enough milk i was shattered and i felt awfull, i was made to feel a failure and i began to dislike my baby, when i began to bottle feed everything changed, my baby settled and he was a joy to look after. Of course i understand that those mums who can feed sucsessfully enjoy it and think that their doing the best for their babies but i just wish that those uncareing professionals would stop makeing bottlefeeding parents feel so guilty

Ariel, so sorry to hear about your little girl. One of the mums at our antenatal classes announced her intention to bottle-feed from the start and from the reaction you'd have thought she'd said that the baby would be kept in a shed and fed gruel!
Yes, Demented, mumsnet is great - I only wish I'd found it earlier. I am going to tell my hv about it (who has been fantastic by the way) and my friends from a.natal classes.
Thanks to everyone again for so much support.

My goodness that midwife should be disciplined. Please complain about her. Op you have been through a really, really tough time and are clearly not lacking in courage. I hate the idea that not breastfeeding is letting your little girl down. It fundamentally is not. Breastfeeding may be the ideal but so many other factors (including your health) come into play. Battering mothers that don’t want to or can’t is cruel and unnecessary. As others say the important thing is that you are happy with your choice. Your little girl will get fed and will thrive even if you formula feed.

This post is 17 years old! Hopefully a distant memory for op now