I have name changed for this, because I am ashamed I suppose. (Rationally, this is irrational, i know).
My son is 20 weeks old. Breastfed since birth. Weight gain tapered off from 8 weeks or so. Not the real issue. The issue is this.
Over the past 2 months he has become a nightmare to feed. Gradually he has weaned himself off any position he was previously happy in. We started off with feeds in any which way, any posituion, any place. Cradle hold at the M1 service station? Sure. Biological recline position in inlaws bedroom? Totally. Side lying at home on a lazy Sunday? Why not? Koala bear hug at a cafe on a rainy morning? Loved it.
But then come 3 months, things began to change. He started getting more and more restless and fidgety. We lost the rugby hold first thing. I put it down to his long legs. Then we lost the cradle hold or really any hold across my body - he starts twisting his entire torso and head away from me towards even a dark wall and starts screaming. So we lost the cradle hold. I started calling the NCT breastfeeding helpline every day. Every single day. I think I know the names of at least 23 NCT breastfeeding cousnellors by now. They kept running out of suggestions.
Warm bath. Feeding in a dimly lit room. Duvet day in bed naked. No distractions. Co sleeping at night. The only position we got left with was - side lying with me on his left for both boobs, upstairs in our bedroom. He would feed this way every 2 hours or so, and even then there has been endless twisting away from me.
At this point, you may think about silent reflux, other digestive issues, wind, thrush, tongue tie. I have seen our IBCLC (the only one in my county) twice. The GP 5 times. The health visitor nearly every week. Baby brasseries to get feeds observed. but what feeds observed? He wont feed if I hold him. I even lay down with my boobs out on the floor of a baby brasserie to do the only remaining side lying position but no. A cranial osteopath. Nobody knows why he refuses to take the breast.
I tried mixed feeding. Could never work out when to give him how much formula. I call the NCT line and ask for advice on mixed feeding and I hear the same sentence "wish we could wave a magic wand" - but in the end every day becomes this relentless saga of not knowing what to offer breast or bottle when and how.
Its almost like he does not wish to eat. He is otherwise okay, Hovers between 25th and 9th, born on 50th, poos wees develops okay, smiles etc - except when I hold him.
Hardly naps. 5 or 10 mins tops.
I cant do this. I cry all the time because every day is this relentless stint of going upstairs to lie in bed for him to eat every 2 hours, he lets go in 3-5 minutes and naps for 10 mins and grizzles constantly.
NCT helpline asks me "what is your ideal scenario"? My answer is - that he would breastfeed downstairs, or upstairs, maybe 6-8 times a day, maybe even take a bottle at night. That I would not need to feel scared of holding my son into positions that will lead to pushing me away and shouting.
I think this is the end. The real aim was to do 6 months breastfeeding and then morning and night feeds for a couple more months. But I am crying every single day. Every single time I try to feed him. I do not know where to begin. They say "replace each feed". But how? Do I make up 2 ounces for a feed? Every 2 hours? How do i begin?
I have failed. I truly have. And you know what? Not with any of the "usual" issues. Tongue tie, pain, (never ever had pain), supply (enough milk to feed two), nothing. Its like as he grew taller and taller, 3 months onwards this baby has gradually basically started rejecting the breast one by one we have gone through positions.
I thought I would keep all breastfeeds between say 8 pm-8 am (Currently that means a dream feed at 10 pm, and breastfeeds at 3, 5 and 7 am) and do bottles for the rest. But I cant figure out how much and when. What will satisfy him. I go back to work 1st of May.
If someone can help me do at least that i.e. tell me (literally tell me, yes the magic wand is required) - when to offer how much to him and still keep my supply for a while for mornign and nights without going bat shit crazy, I will be indebted.
I am really beginning to dread waking up, dread feeding him. He is 20 weeks on Saturday and weighs 6.5 kilos. He is 71 cms tall.