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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

My friend's anti-BF comments have really got to me :(

36 replies

tigertum · 08/11/2006 21:31

My friend has two DS's, her second and my DS are the same age. Since I've got my head around being a mum, it's become apparent that we have a different approach to babycare. This really shouldn't be a problem, but she is still (my son is now 18 months) throwing in the odd anti-breastfeeding comment into our conversations and its really getting to me, especially because she never wanted to try it and I had to fight so hard to be able to do it and now value it so much.

My DS was 100% BF until 6 months and is still BF now. He had bad colic at the start and until I started co-sleeping night times were a problem. Her DS had no colic and slept through from an early age and she would say things to me like "All the BF babies I know cry all the time." Which really got to me. There were other things said and I thought it was in the past, but again, today whilst talking about a mutual friend's choice to formula feed her newborn, "Well they are so happy on formula aren't they? So content and easy to look after". I said nothing, but this comment brought back allot of ill feeling.

Am I over-reacting to feel angry about this comment? Why can't people keep their anti formula/BF thoughts to themselves?

OP posts:

Miaou · 08/11/2006 21:35

bf/ff is a really emotive subject. A lot of people have strong feelings about it.

All I can suggest to you is that if she makes such comments again, just politely say to her, "I'd really rather you didn't make such negative comments about breastfeeding, I find them surtful and upsetting". No need to personalise, just a general comment. Unless she is a really heartless cow she will take the hint and shut up

Miaou · 08/11/2006 21:35

hurtful - ooops

nearlythree · 08/11/2006 21:38

Silly woman. Take no notice. If you like you can quote back at her my dd1 who I ffed (not through choice but she hasn't suffered for it) who didn't sleep until she was two. And who had lactose intolerance, which manifested itself from 1 am until 5 am with screaming until she was 4 mo.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/11/2006 21:39

She is simply lucky that her boys have been "happy" babies.

It boils down to character, in the end. Both my two were b/fed. My first slept through from 11 weeks and rarely cried. My second only started sleeping through at 10.5 months. I'm still b/feeding him too.

You could be petty and say that you know plenty of parents that ff and their children suffer constipation, colic, wind, posseting, reflux and dont sleep.

Leave her to her bathe in her own ignorance. (And hope she has a 3rd child that isnt as happy-go-lucky as her first two )

3andnomore · 08/11/2006 21:39

I can totally see where you are coming from...but just thin, the reason why ff babys are mor "content" (i.e sleepy) is because ff lays so heavy in their tummys, they can't move for tiredness or are at least more sleepy!
Remember that she is only expressing todays socially acepteed Babybehaviour...which is only perceived this way because of all the years where ff was/is the norm!
If I would you I would say something like, I let you do owth your Kids what you feel right to do, so let me do the same...as I don't want to loose a good friend!

Macdog · 08/11/2006 21:40

Congratulations on bf for so long

Don't allow other people to hijack things that make you happy.

I've been bf for 9 months and I think it's great to hear from extended bf'ers like yourself.
Inspires me to keep going

3andnomore · 08/11/2006 21:42

also...wonder if she was ine of those...put them down, let them yelll brigade...at a young age especially only teaches them that they can't rely on the people supposedv to look after them

Chandra · 08/11/2006 21:44

I agree very much with Miaou. BF/FF is a subject that no matter your choice some one will be vocal against it.Unfortunately, she might be very sensitive about her choice of feeding as well, hence the nasty comments.

I belive motherhood is one of those things that really test friendships, in my case, I had a very good friend who had a completely different aproach to parenting as mine, I patiently put up with months of nasty comments until I reduced the time we spent together. Anyways, the thing is that she had a go at me asking why I was avoiding her, so I explain I was not very happy about some of her comments, her reply was that she didn't want to see me anymore... and, although I found her reaction ridiculous, I finally had the silence I was looking for. Motherhood is already difficult enough as to waste the time putting up with people trying to make us feel bad in order to feel better about themselves.

Original poster

tigertum · 08/11/2006 21:48

I think I will mention something next time. I don't want some awful BF/FF debate but I could just tell her that I find it hurtful.

This is why I am so confused. She has always been such a supportive, sensitive friend. Since we both had babies, her attitude towards me has changed so much. She's an intelligent person, I don't know how she can say things like that without knowing that she is being hurtful.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/11/2006 21:48

Chandra!!!

Chandra · 08/11/2006 21:49

What did I say!?!?!?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/11/2006 21:50

Probably, tigertum, because she hasnt had a "difficult" baby. So, she is under the illusion, and it is an illusion, that she is a "perfect parent". Now, I dont doubt that she is doing lots right. But that doesnt mean you arent either. The difference being that hers will be happy whatever, and your DS - well - he is your gorgeous DS who knows what he wants, and will grow up not to be a pushover

bramblina · 08/11/2006 21:52

You're not getting the support you deserve.
Ditto everyone, well done for doing so well.
I bf my ds for a year and he is and has been a wonderfully contented child, with a brilliant appetite and no intolerances, so her comments aren't exactly true. I don't think you're over-reacting, I would find it hurtful too.

Maybe in 5, 10 or 20 years she or her children may suffer from her choices...bad karma...what goes around comes around...you may never know but you do know you are doing the best you possibly can for your child and be proud of yourself for that. I agree with letting her "bathe in her own ignorance"!

AitchTwoOh · 08/11/2006 21:52

she very possibly sees your continuing to breastfeed as a reminder that she didn't, and she may even feel bad about that while appearing to say the absolute opposite. people (myself included) are VERY weird about ff and bf, nourishing your child is mixed up with everything about being a parent. she does sound like a wee bit of a silly besom, though... remind me why you're friends with her again?

Chandra · 08/11/2006 21:53

Oh please, lets not make another judgemental thread about feeding choices....

Chandra · 08/11/2006 21:54

says Chandra after karma comment...

SweetandTenderTatties · 08/11/2006 21:56

VVVQV is right, 'contentedness' is down to character, not feeding method. If I kept getting comments like from someone, I'd be really upset and think I'd find it hard to keep seeing them, tbh.

AitchTwoOh · 08/11/2006 22:00

chandra if you're talking to me... i ff. i feel bad (not horrific, but not great) about it and i could see that some of this woman's comments could possilby stem from an insecurity rather than security in her decision.

SweetandTenderTatties · 08/11/2006 22:00

"Motherhood is already difficult enough as to waste the time putting up with people trying to make us feel bad in order to feel better about themselves."

Chandra - just what I wanted to say, you put it so well!

Original poster

tigertum · 08/11/2006 22:02

Hi 3andnomore, she's a good mum and thankfully doesn't isn't a 'let-him-cry' type. She is a very 'baby's need independance' but she's loving and caring. This is why I don't get why she's like this over my BF.

OP posts:

Chandra · 08/11/2006 22:03

Oh, no Aitch, I think you and me were saying very similar things...

AitchTwoOh · 08/11/2006 22:05

One word, tigertum... Jea-lous. (how's that for calm and forgiving, chandra )

Original poster

tigertum · 08/11/2006 22:07

Miaou, agree very much with what you advised me to say to her. You put it well. I think she would back off If I said that.

Always lovely to hear from other extended BF's!

OP posts:

Miaou · 08/11/2006 22:08

moondog · 08/11/2006 22:09

Tiger,if you are happy with your choice,then really,don't let it bother you.Why should it?
(I would apply same logic to those who are happy with FF.)

Hey,to make you laugh,one of the mothers at my baby group watched another woman pulling up her t shirt to b/feed her baby and said

'You see,that's what is soooo convenient about the bottle.It's ready straight away.'

Barking eh?????

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