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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Exclusively expressing/BF guilt

30 replies

freneticfox · 26/02/2015 12:39

I had my little boy by CS two weeks ago today; there were complications during surgery and I lost a lot of blood. Despite this, I was able to BF in recovery for about an hour, but that was the last time DS ever successfully latched. A 'specialist' spent a grand total of about 15mins with us when I was on the ward - she found a position in which DS latched and then told us we'd have no more problems as long as we continued to use that position (me lying on my side). Couldn't ever get him to do it again. Every attempt to breastfeed ended in DS getting so worked up he was screaming and it'd take ages to calm him down enough to try again so we'd have to top him up with formula - until my milk came in and I started expressing.

I've now been exclusively expressing after two midwives and another two specialists were unable to help me establish breastfeeding - there's no tongue-tie or any other obvious reason why DS won't latch on, but I feel thoroughly awful and gutted about it, especially when left right and centre all I see is people proudly BF, saying it's the most natural thing ever, best for baby etc. It hurts my heart at every feed.

So, perhaps out of guilt I'm expressing around the clock every three hours and I'm already wiped out at two weeks. I had a transfusion after my section, and was also readmitted for a uterine infection. I'm exhausted and emotional. All I wanted was to be able to do what's best for my little boy and I feel so thoroughly let down by my own body. I know that it's not necessarily my fault and sometimes it just doesn't work out. But I feel like I'm pushing my body to its limits to make up for it.

Did anyone exclusively express for any length of time? I just don't want to run myself into the ground, but at the same time I'm finding the BF guilt really hard to cope with.

Any advice/kind words very much appreciated.

OP posts:
eurochick · 26/02/2015 12:48

Ok. I will start by saying formula is baby food, not poison, so if you are finding expressing is not right for you, give your baby formula. It will be fine.

To answer the OP, I am exclusively expressing. I had a rocky start too, albeit for different reasons (funny turn after CS so couldn't even think about expressing then plus prem baby in nicu too small/weak to latch). The day after the CS I started expressing. I'm still doing it now and my daughter is seven months old (although we started adding in some formula about a month ago, when I went back to work). I couldn't do it without a lot of support from my husband. He did many of the night feeds while I was pumping. Annoyingly, my daughter finally got latching at about 4-5 months old, just as I was preparing to go back to work. She wouldn't do it earlier, despite a lot of assistance from a lovely midwife. The main downside I find to expressing is the time it takes. Before we started adding in formula, I was expressing five times a day for about 30 mins each time. That's a lot of time I couldn't spend holding her or feeding her.

tiktok · 26/02/2015 13:00

fox so sorry you feel pressured and sad about this.

It's a complex situation but actually not uncommon. You need decent real life help. What options are available to you?

butternut22 · 26/02/2015 13:00

I was in the same situation with my baby. I exclusively expressed for 1 month and after that my supply dwindled and I mix fes for another 6 weeks before going to just formula. Expressing is such hard work!! I felt really guilty at the time when I stopped. It isn't your fault. I made myself ill obsessing about it. I am currently breast feeding my second baby but if it hadn't worked I would have gone straight to formula this time without the guilt. You need to do what is best for your family and maintaining your physical and mental health is so important for your baby. I am sure your baby will thrive however he is fed. I would try and get some extra support from midwives but if it doesn't work then your baby will be fine with formula and I would let go of the expressing if it is wearing you down.

Original poster
freneticfox · 26/02/2015 13:38

I have no idea what options are available to me. My community midwife spent plenty of time with me, as did two specialist BF midwives at my local hospital. None of them were able to help me understand why it wasn't happening for me and DS. A lot of people have said to consider seeing a lactation consultant but I can't get an NHS referral and I simply cannot afford the fees of the ones local to me.

I'm a FTM and all of this is very new to me - I just don't know when is the point to admit defeat.

OP posts:
McBaby · 26/02/2015 14:07

Get the number of local childrens centre you often find the lacation consultants volunteer at the breast feeding drop ins so you can get their expert advice for free :)

tiktok · 26/02/2015 14:08

If you call any of the bf helplines they might have contacts. You may have a baby cafe or other bf support group in your area.

Cobo · 26/02/2015 14:10

Are there any breastfeeding drop in groups near you? In my area there's one at the hospital, one that's on every day at a different venue in the area, and a La Leche League group - we're particularly well served for them here, but there might be something similar near you? I always found the help at these groups much more useful than even the specialist midwives.

lightgreenglass · 26/02/2015 14:14

You are doing the best for your baby, you're giving him BM.

EE is hard work but it can be done. I did it for 10.5 months. I grew to love the freedom it have me and the 10 minutes peace whilst DH held the baby.

But if you think you can feed and want to try - bf cafés I think would best. Does your hospital have a bf supporter. I was offered one and was told she would be there for ongoing support. By that time I'd already settled into EE and didn't want to rock the boat as it was going well.

Original poster
freneticfox · 26/02/2015 14:18

Found a local BF cafe and dropped them a message on Facebook, thank you for the advice! X

OP posts:
Septbaby · 26/02/2015 22:56

Hiya! Just wanted to add some words of encouragement! I Pumped for one month, this was after being adamant I would FF, and got to day 4 post natal and I had this overwhelming urge to get some boob juice in the DS. I only managed between 60-80ml per day, despite 3 pumps a day but I was so proud of this, my figuring was any amount breastmilk can only be a good thing. This didn't even equate to one bottle a day but I was on cloud 9.

I had to stop after a month as I was only getting

acattocatchat · 27/02/2015 11:13

I hope you get some good help from the baby cafe.

EE is extremely tough. Some mixed feeding mothers like to think of their milk as 'medicine' - every drop is doing their baby good.

One thing I would say is, at 2 weeks, don't give up hope of your baby latching. I have known 6 week olds go from expressed bottles to direct feeding. It would be really helpful if a lactation consultant or breastfeeding counsellor could talk you through this in person.

See if you can find an LLL group near you, they may be able to help if the baby cafe can't.

dairyfreequeen · 27/02/2015 13:19

I'm so in awe of people who EE, i can't imagine what hard work that must be when you've got a new baby. It's good that you're finding some RL help, I also know someone whose baby wouldn't latch on until 6 weeks and then managed, she found cranial osteopathy helped after a traumatic labour so that might be worth looking into? I would say though (i've been thinking a lot about this lately!) as new mums we put so much pressure on ourselves to breastfeed, and there is such an instinctual drive to do it but whether you do or don't won't define you as a mum, as much as it feels like it when feeding is pretty much all they do in the beginning! The fact that you're trying so hard to do what's best for him is so much more important than whether or not you get any breastmilk into him, so don't let the guilt take over!

cartoonsaveme · 27/02/2015 13:28

Look to see if there is a BF drop in or baby cafe near by. Relax. My DD did not get BF for 3 weeks and only properly at 6. It's very fraught when you are in this situation - I was the same. We had to practically squeeze formula and expressed milk into her mouth!!! My community MW at home got me to just chill out with her on the breast then encourage her to suckle for a few mins each feed etc then give bottle. I ended up bf until 9 months. Nct and LA leche have people who will visit you at home for free

Original poster
freneticfox · 27/02/2015 20:39

I don't have any local La Leche people by the looks of things, which is a bit of a bummer! Still waiting to hear back from BF cafe.

It's all very emotional, isn't it?

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/02/2015 20:46

I exclusively expressed for DD and DS who are now 1 and 2 until they were 6 and 7 months respectively

I really hope that you can get breast feeding established. However, if not, I'm happy to pass on any tips that I have. A really good pump and a handsfree bra so that you can do a double express at the same time as feeding the baby makes a world of difference. I also tried to focus very much on the positives of DH being able to do some feeds to let me have a little bit of sleep

At the time that DS was born and we couldn't establish breast feeding, I was devastated. However, what I would say is that now, 2 years later, these feelings have passed and I never thought that they would.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/02/2015 20:48

Ps - just to make clear, I am not an expert. Just someone who has been in the trenches with this! and survived

Cobo · 27/02/2015 20:48

It's probably best just to go along to the Baby Cafe in person, whenever the next session is near you. The idea is it's a drop-in group for in-person help.

acattocatchat · 27/02/2015 21:35

Have you given the NCT helpline a call? It's staffed by trained counsellors and I think it might be helpful just to chat this all through with someone entirely objective. 0300 330 0771 and they are open for another 25 minutes this evening.

It is indeed very, very emotional.

lightgreenglass · 27/02/2015 21:53

Gobbo - How did you manage to EE with the two of them?

I EE with DS and was happy to do it, am pregnant with my second and am a bit worried about doing it with my DS who will be 21 months when the little one arrives. Any tips would be great, sorry for derailing the thread.

cartoonsaveme · 27/02/2015 22:10

Fox Bob along to bf cafe - they will be very welcoming and not judge. Try sure start centres too as round us they all have a bf drop in. At the end of the day formula is a life saver too and both mine were mixed fed at various points. They are extremely bright healthy boisterous school kids now. Please don't get yourself in too much of a tizz and well done for sticking with it x

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/02/2015 22:45

light - I'm lucky in that I'm a shit breastfeeder but a very good expresser. I did about 1.2 litres a day with a lactaline double pump and a handsfree expressing bra.

I put the Moses basket in the lounge so put DD in that and had a playpen for DS. DS was 13 months when DD was born so still having a long morning nap, which helped. I used to express at 6:00am when DS was still asleep. Then 10am as soon as DS had gone down for a morning sleep. Then 2:00pm by sticking him in the playpen and 5:30pm by sticking him in the playpen again. Then 8:00pm when he was asleep and 11:00pm when he was asleep still. I also fed DD in a feeding pillow whilst I expressed with the expressing bra on so it was hands free. I hadn't done that with DS so it made the process a lot longer with him as I would exoress then feed.

I was able to drop night expressing when DD (and DS) were both about 5 weeks old (I know this is very unusual) and I also noted down without fail what I expressed everytime so I could keep a close eye on my supply.

I bought an in car charger for the expressing machine too so I could always express if we went for family days out. I also had two pumping machines - one for upstairs and one for downstairs and lots of bottles etc so I didn't have to sterilise constantly and lug equipment up and down stairs. I shoved everything through the dishwasher once a day and then sterilised. Then made up packs of sterilised funnels and bottles and sealed them in bags so I had them all to hand during the day.

I froze tons and just defrosted that if DD had a growth spurt. Then didn't have to worry about expressing more.

I also just tried to take everything one day at a time and told myself that I had to consider DS as well as DD and I would not feel!guilty if I had to give her formula but didn't need to.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/02/2015 22:50

Oh - I also took upstairs a cool bag overnight and put milk etc in there so I didn't need to go up and down stairs and had all the sterilised bottles to hand. Would just take the extra milk down for the fridge in the morning.

I also had a special,system for saving it all in the fridge so that I used the oldest milk first.....

Oh I could go on and on.......

There were lots of well-meaning twats who told me that I should have just tried harder to get the DCs to latch on etc and they loved breast feeding as they had a special bond with their DC. I just ignored them and concentrated on positives - like DH doing all the night feeds on Friday and Saturday nights - particularly ace when I had dropped night expresses!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/02/2015 23:03

Just to be clear: none of said twats were on mumsnet!

cartoonsaveme · 28/02/2015 08:30

Gobb that is seriously impressive

lightgreenglass · 28/02/2015 10:46

Wow - you've made me even more determined to make sure I expressed for my second.

I can relate to so much of what you're saying, especially the one day at a time. I never had to express through the night, always went to bed at 11 and woke up at 6-7, I'm too lazy to get up and express so hoping this time will be the same.

I've worked out I can express once when DS is asleep during the day when DH is at work and will try and fit another one in some how.

Also determined to freeze more this time as I did throw a lot away last time. I've got a new freezer which can be dedicated to BM. Thank you for sharing you experience.