Judgement on BF'ing and Co Sleeping

[CanISayOfHerFace]

I met up with friends on Saturday night and I'm still stewing over some of their comments to me re breastfeeding and co sleeping with my 11 month old DS. I'm not sure why I'm letting it get to me so much.

Comments and questions such as:
"He's STILL sleeping with you?"
"How much longer are you going to BF for?"
"You're just BF'ing for your benefit now"
"Don't you think you should stop
BF'ing before you go back to work in two months?"

Plus a lot of faces.

I think I answered everything in a matter of fact way and managed to keep my cool but the one about doing it for my benefit upset me. I've always tried to do what's best for my baby since he was born and put him first. I've been very supportive of my friends choices and would never dream of asking if they switched to formula for their benefit or their baby's!

I've been left feeling like I'm doing something very strange and even weird when previously I thought I was just doing the best for my little family

Had anyone else experienced this and got any advice on how to deal with it? Or do you just avoid talking about it altogether? I have some very nosy direct friends so am likely to be asked about it again.

I've found with "that kind" of friend/convo if it wasn't bf it would be something else. I've had it from one person about prams, baby carriers, nail polish (!!), you name it...
It sucks.
It boils down to either they're vain enough to think they're cleverer than others or insecure and trying to prove something to themselves.

It is difficult to support your choices without appearing to judge other's for their choices, and your choices aren't wrong or even unusual! I usually shrug off queries by saying that I follow the path of least resistance or that all children are different and I'm meeting my own child's needs the way she needs it meeting - don't let them grind you down, it's not nice when people judge!
For the record I also bf, co-sleep and baby wear but I did everything different with my son so I don't worry overly, so far they are both turning out ok!

You're not doing anything strange or wrong. You're doing what seems best for you and your child. I have bf and co-slept with all of mine- am still doing it with DS.

And re BFing for your benefit, anyone who says this has never been bitten or experienced nursing aversion. Sometimes bfing is really hard. And you know what? It does benefit you- I think it reduces your risks of some cancers.

All those comments, and more, are not at all unusual.....and none of them are polite or kind :(

However, none of them are worth stewing over, or making you think for one moment you are doing anything wrong or unusual or questionable.

If you are asked about it again, you can just say 'it works for us - just as you do things differently and feel they work for you.' Be firm, don't be apologetic or even smiley about it, and change the subject.

You might want to practise saying it first :)

In my short and limited experience motherhood is loaded with this crap;
"You're going for childminder not nursery???" (or vice versa)
"It's much easier to give them a bottle you know" (or vice versa)
"I've bonded better with my baby because I've had her in a sling"
"You're going to be a SAHM- don't you need to use your brain at all"
"You put the baby in their own room when??!?"
"But why are you still bf??"

None of it's really worth stewing over, despite how upsetting it can be. It usually indicates that a nerve has been hit in the way they do things. I don't know if it's a more recent thing, my sister's children are in their late teens now and her cohort of Mums seemed to have a much more "each to their own " attitude.

Thanks everyone... Some really good points there.

I'm of the "each to their own" camp as well and agree it's hard to speak up for your own choices without appearing to criticise someone else's.

I'm going to start practicing "it works for us" and stop stewing!

Thanks again

I'm really worried about this with breastfeeding CanISay! My dd is nearly 6 months and I know I'm going to start getting more comments when she reaches the 6 months mark.

My pils have been funny about it ever since she was born and they realised I was breastfeeding. They seemed shocked when I didn't stop after a few weeks. I know they think at 6 months I should definitely stop.

I need to read up again on breastfeeding information so I can remind myself that I'm not a freak.

Does anybody know what it is happens at 6 months that it suddenly becomes 'weird' (in some people's eyes) to continue breastfeeding?

theRotcod, there is no one single age where breastfeeding 'becomes weird' in some people's eyes. Some people think it is weird to do it at all; some think it's odd after a week, six weeks, three months, six months, seven months, a year......like it's anything to do with them! :)

In fact, most people don't think it's weird - most people either don't care or are actually positive about it, and have no opinions on when mothers 'should' stop.

If your PILs cannot support you, or show by their words or reactions they think you should stop, then you and especially your DH should knock their heads together (metaphorically.....) and be calm and confident in your choice.

I would say it's because 6 months plus often have teeth, and look less babylike? I think we have a fixed idea of only tiny babies needing breast milk and once they start on solids they should cope without - you're not a freak, DD is 7 months old and still going strong (she won't acknowledge a bottle) and I guess we'll be keeping on till she doesn't need it anymore!

Also - remember there is no logic to stopping at their idea of six months.

Presumably they are aware that babies and toddlers need milk.

How would breastmilk not be appropriate for them, then?

Why would anyone switch if they didn't want to? If the baby likes it, and the mother is happy, what would be the point of giving any other sort of milk? I mean....because breastmilk somehow stops being a nourishing and healthy option for the baby? How would that work, then?

And why the Jeff should you start paying for something you produce for free?

(^^ My stock response )

my DS is 7 months and im still BF. someone said to me recently after I showed some pics of him, 'I can't believe your still feeding him now he is so big'!!

I also get comments because I work full time so express at work twice a day so he can hav it. People are suprised and intrigued that im bothering!! I have had comments like 'why arnt you putting him on formula'.
its rude!

Before I had my first, my Aunt said to me "Just remember, 'a mother's place is in the wrong', and you'll do fine". What she meant was, whatever you do, someone will think that their way is better, or will find a way to criticise, so just get on and do what suits you. Anyone else can naff off.

Ignore them, idiots, people normally ask me if I'm still breastfeeding in a whisper, like it's something to be ashamed of.

I've never had this kind of thing from real friends though (more mums I occasionally see at baby groups and , of course sometimes here)- that must have been tough op. A friend of mine still bf her little girl and she sort of whispers it, "when she got in from nursery she wanted a breastfeed", she asked me not to mention it to anyone. Our kids are only one and it made me feel sad that she felt embarrassed by it. She always follows it up with "we're trying to wean her of it...". I could see it if she hated it and was sick of it and wanted any advice on how to stop but she doesn't and neither does her baby.
I think that the 6 month thing comes from weaning???? I know I set myself it as a goal and know other mums who have too, some were even looking forward to 6 months so that they "could" stop (I only ever wanted to bf for 6 month so we could increase our chances of getting pregnant again). I'm not sure if there was anything in all of the bf leaflets that give 6 months as some arbitrary limit but it does seem to be a common time to stop/goal to aim for??

Thanks tiktok

It's funny that other people care so much about what you do with your own baby. As long as the baby is getting looked after it shouldn't be anyone else's business how it eats or sleeps.

I think the government should do TV adverts showing women breastfeeding young babies to toddlers to help normalise it. We get the adverts about reducing sugar, moving more and eating vegetables already so I don't see why they couldn't do this as well.

I thought when I was pregnant I would breastfeed for six months if I could manage it for that long. I think because that's when it's recommended to introduce solids. What I thought my baby would do for milk after this I have no idea!

My friends were very supportive up to this point saying how well I was doing with breastfeeding. Apart from one who told me after a month my baby had "had the best of me now" and it would probably be easier to switch to formula.

I would add that I'm late to the party with regards to having children due to fertility issues so all my friends who are already parents have lots of advice for me! I also benefitted from pearls of wisdom regarding getting pregnant such as:

"Just relax"
"You're trying too hard"
"Go on holiday"
"Get a puppy"

"Get a Puppy" . Priceless! I only got "get a house plant". They obviously had great faith in me!

I still think that when people make judgments about how others take care of their children (when it's something perfectly usual- we're not talking coke out of a bottle!) it comes from insecurity about how they raise their own. Otherwise I can't for the life in me imagine why they'd care and certainly not why they'd be so rude as to say something.

My mum told me that BFIng after 6 months was "probably the nicest" (as in no mad cluster feeding, worry, they need fewer night feeds, bf morning and night so wear what you want in between...). Something to look forward to!
Several of my friends breast feed their 2 year old, several ff since early days.
I'm really thankful none of us seem worried either way.

Now wooden v plastic toys, organic cotton boring unisex clothes v bright/novelty/Disney clothes. There is a bone of contention.

Canisay I got told that maybe if I quit work I'd stop having miscarriages. By a loudly self proclaimed feminist. Who knows I have a blood condition which causes loss.

For quite a few of them it will be a good deal later than six months that they are breastfeeding morning and night and you can wear what you want in between Squizita. 11 months has been my earliest. DS is 8 and tends to do mid morning and mid afternoon still.

Tell them to fuck off, seriously. I hate this judgemental crap. I breastfed my boy til he was 3.3years. Thankfully I never had any ridiculous comments, I think my face had a 'don't you fucking dare' look on it. I also co slept till he was around 4. People found that the weirdest thing I think. It worked for us though. He went into his own room no probs, so have one idea what all the fuss was about. These people do not sound like friends.

I have a real mixed bag of friends, whose parenting styles differ wildly. Those who parent differently to me have never made me feel bad though.
In fact I remember one brilliant friend telling me that everyone does things in their own way, and if we found something that worked for us then we should keep going with it. No one way was the best way, it was whatever worked best for you.
She was the least judgemental person ever, and we do things very differently. I bloody love her.

Ignore all comments and do what feels right for you. I too was late to the party after fertility issues and because I had a difficult pregnancy was advised to stick at one. I enjoyed bf and co sleeping and the thought that it we wouldn't be doing it all again was difficult to accept.
So we just continued to bf until he was 2 and co-slept until he was about 5. He settled well into is own bed and has always been quick to drop off.
So my sister-in-law was talking through her arse when she continually told us he would never learn to settle or sleep on his own. And it was absolutely none of her business why I chose extended bf.
I went back to work at 6mnths and no problems with bf. Your body just adapts. The first evening feed after picking them up from childcare gives the most fantastic endorphine rush. It totally relaxes you and leaves you content and rebonded with your baby.
Enjoy it for as long as you want because all too soon they grow up!

I do both, with my 13mo. The only people who know are my mum, and his dad. I don't know anyone else who is doing both still, but I know a few mums who are still bf. Funny really, when I was pregnant I didn't plan to bf at all. It just happened, and will carry on as long as DS wants to. He is teething at the moment, and for the first time ever my nipples are lacerated :(