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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Was anyone's dh totally unsupportive of breastfeeding?

36 replies

lunavix · 07/09/2006 15:03

I have other queries on the go but know a lot of people might not look at them...

Ds was mostly formula fed for various reasons not entirely by choice at the time, and dh loved feeding him, and it was definately convenient and helped him settle quickly into a routine.

This time round I've been bfing on demand, with dh giving a bottle at around 10.30/11pm. I've been trying to express, with dh topping it up with formula if it's not been enough. Dd (2 weeks) will take anything between 2 and 6 oz, then sleep to 6/7am.

Tiktoks given me some good advice (mainly removing the bottle until milk supply is established) but dh is NOT happy. He's said he will not let me stop him giving her the one bottle he's allowed to do, and at the end of the day he wants her in a routine and sleeping through more than he wants her breastfed (I've pointed out that I'd be doing all the feeding during the night but he said it will be totally disruptive.)

I know he's being jealous, and I know breastfeeding is in her best interests, but I really need his support on this. Has anyone else had an unsupportive dh/dp they've managed to 'bring round'?

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 07/09/2006 15:06

'bring round'? Slap round surely? This is best for your baby's HEALTH ffs! He is being immature and stupid and quite frankly I'd ignore him till he learnt to grow up a bit!

Unhelpful I know, but I do hate it when men think they can lay down the law on breastfeeding. Why the feck should we have to 'bring them round'? I'd just get tough, he's being an arsehole. Sorry.

JessaJam · 07/09/2006 15:16

Grrr. Why is your DH jealous???? Is he especially hungry??!!!

Ok, thinking of solutions...

Could you sleep seperately until dd starts to sleep through, you and dd, and dh elsewhere ( whether that mean you sleep in nursery with dd, or dh de-camps to spare room?) Then nigh feeds won't disrupt him.

Tell him FF does NOT guarantee a routine-keeping, sleeping through baby. ESPECIALLY at 2 weeks old. It is true. Would that help?

Or how about you suggest you keep BFing until 4 weeks, then 6, then 8 and so on?

oranges · 07/09/2006 15:17

first reaction is to agree with rhubarb, but, maybe try giving him some info on just why bf is best, and how babies are just as likely to sleep through on breastmilk as formula, if you are allowed to build your supply up properly. and he can play, change, bathe and do anything else with the baby. sorry - hope things get easier soon.

liquidclocks · 07/09/2006 15:19

I'm 37wks with no.2 and FF DS1 for various reasons. Dh watched me suffer emotionally after I'd not been able to BF him and I made myself physically ill because I ddn't take medication as it would have interfered with BF. This time around I've found some different meds (thanks to tiktok and mears) and would really like to try again. However DH isn't being particularly supportive because he doesn't want to see me ill or upset again. I think he has a point and my (and baby's) happiness and health are the top of his priority list, as they should be.

However, sounds like your DH is being quite selfish and not putting you OR baby first. Is he sold on the benefits of BF? - I posted this thread a week or so ago, maybe you'll find it helpful.

Could you perhaps express enough for a bottle for DH to give baby - this is what I plan to do once BF is established. We also used quite a rigid routine with DS1 (with fab success) that we plan to try again and I know DH will be upset if it doesn't work so I think it's important we try.

agalch · 07/09/2006 15:20

You could try explaining that there are other ways of bonding with your lo eg skin-to-skin or bathing etc.

Giving a bottle doesn't always mean you get baby into a routine or even sleeping through.My ds1 was ff and didn't sleep through till he was well over a year.

I also think that if you are returning to work on Monday he needs to support you even if he needs to miss out giving a bottle for a bit longer.I am also a childminder and on mat leave atm so i know how stressful things will be for you.Bf will be easier for you when you are working and i would not be happy with my dp being unhelpful.Get him told and take care of yourself. xx

Rhubarb · 07/09/2006 15:23

We FF with ds after 8 months and he still didn't sleep through. It guarantees sweet fa!

Show him the man booby milk website and say it's either that or you feed the baba yerself!

liquidclocks · 07/09/2006 15:31

Also I would like to support what everyone else is saying about routine - of the 6 people in my baby group 2 of us used a routine, the other lady exclusively BF for over 6 months and both our little boys were in the same routine and very happy. 3 other ladies BF, one who's baby was still waking in the night at 10 months, one who's baby slept through from a few months, and another from 4/5 months. The other lady FF and had horrendous nights with a completely nocturnal baby and she tried everything - baby eventually started to settle down around 6 months and sleeping through a few months later. Just from this small sample you can see it's less to do with feeding and more to do with your baby and whether they're the sort that will happily fitin a routine or whether they're just going to be stubborn and feed and wake whenever they feel like it - and either is totally fine as long as you are relaxed about it too.

belgo · 07/09/2006 15:39

There are so many other ways that your dh can be close to the baby - bathing, cuddling, singing - and in just a few months time there will be plenty of opportunity for him to fed the baby. I've exclusively bf both my babies for as long as possible, and my dh is totally attached to them, despite never giving either of them a bottle. Try and let him know how important this is to you, and for your baby.

bluejelly · 07/09/2006 15:44

He is probably just used to it because of doing it the first time round. I bf my dd and never understood why men would feel the need to get involved until I saw my friend bottle feeding his dd-- with such love in his eyes.
Having said taht there are so many other ways of getting the love going and I'm sure if you stick to your guns (in the nicest possible way) he will get over it after a couple of weeks.
Good luck

SufferingInSilence · 07/09/2006 15:49

lunavix, I totally understand your position. My DH was EXACTLY the same.
He tried to convince me that he should give ds2 a bottle in the evening, that it would be a great help for me (getting more sleep). The same things that your DH came up with about the routine etc...What save me/us is that ds2 never ever accepted a bottle!
Finally, DH slept on the sofa downstairs for a few weeks whilst ds2 settled into a routine and fed less often. We also moved ds2 into his own bedroom. Worked for us but I would agree it is infuriating to see DH so jealous of his own son! He also stopped hearing ds2 during the night so it wasn't that disruptive for him.
I don't think I managed to bring him around as such more that I put him in a situation where he couldn't say No. However, if I was you I would let your DH have the opportunity to give a bottle late at night. It is good for bonding and if you point out how much help he is by doing that and how much sleep you are then getting that might be enough to make him feel better about it. point out too that being the only person to feed your ds is just for a few weeks until bf is established and explain to him to hows and whys and he will be able to feed him ebm.
Good luck it is a difficult situation.

CorrieDale · 07/09/2006 15:56

I really don't get it! Even DH, who was and still is incredibly supportive of bf, loved giving DS his only two bottles, and was keen for me to express so he could have given him a bottle every night. I'm afraid I just ignored this because faffing around with a steriliser was NOT why I chose to bf, but I encouraged DH to do bathtime (which DS loves and which helped bonding) while I did the rather less popular drying off/creaming/putting on nap
py/vest/sleepsuit. I also did the pregnancy/caesarean/weight gain/getting up in the night bit, so I reckon DH has done pretty well out of the deal. DH bonded beautifully with DS, who is now thoroughly a daddy's boy. But then, we only once attempted a babywhisperer routine, which was a complete failure, and DS was a crappy sleeper, so your DH probably wouldn't be at all swayed by our experience. Frankly, if your DD is sleeping so well now, I reckon she might just be destined to be that way, however she's fed.

SufferingInSilence · 07/09/2006 15:57

Just a comment about all the other ways of bonding with a baby.
I totally agree with you, bathing, kissing, cuddling are all very good ways - FOR ME. Not for my DH who isn't good at getting close to people like this even with me. It is not as easy as that for some men. All these ways to get close to a baby were/are not 'accessible' to him. It is just completely foreign to him and I think I have to respect that.

SufferingInSilence · 07/09/2006 16:00

CorrieDale, we did the same than you but DH really bounded with ds2 only when he was 1 yo and I had stopped bf .
Totally different experience with ds1 who was FF. DH was so much more aware of who ds1 was, his temperamnet and how to handle him.
I guess everyone is different.

Original poster

lunavix · 07/09/2006 16:31

Thanks everyone.

This might sound dreadful, but our relationship isn't such that I can just say no to him. There is give and take, and I do see his point that she's his child too and he should get to make choices....

having said that, he's wrong, and I know it!

Sufferinginsilence - dh is exactly like that too. He does that baths with the kids etc, but doesn't see it as bonding, he sees it as one of the 'jobs' to do in the evening, like the washing up! He really bonded with ds, and put it down to being able to feed him (however true that is I don't know, despite my doubts) and he's adamant that he won't bond with dd, which I suppose is harmful in itself, if he tells himself he won't, he won't.

I'm going to struggle on with the expressing, and bin the formula, and give him whatever I've managed to feed her with, but I will keep on at him about it. Why are men just so ignorant???

OP posts:

magnolia1 · 07/09/2006 16:46

So he would be happy for you to 'struggle on' I am really sorry hun but that is awful Your baby is just 2 weeks old and already you feel you are struggling. It is important for a father to feel involved etc... but for the 1st few weeks at least you need to be allowed to feed your baby as and when you want/need to without the neccessity of struggling to express especially if you don't actually want to.

My Dh was a bit put out at first but he always did the evening cuddle on his chest which got dd4 off to sleep so nicely and I went to bed

SufferingInSilence · 07/09/2006 17:13

Feel a bit uneasy about comments from other posters that seem to imply that lunavix DH - or mine- are not good dad/partner because they don't support the decision of bf and they have to follow our lead/decision.
I can understand why a man is finding bf difficult because this is such an exclusive relationship.And why some men can be somehow against it. But that doesn't make them a bad dad/partner...

beckybrastraps · 07/09/2006 17:21

Hmmm.
This is a hard one. If they don't accept the health benefits of breastfeeding, then maybe. But if they do know, and still decide that their uninterrupted sleep is more important than breastfeeding, which is my reading of the OP, then I would be concerned.
Perhaps I have misinterpreted the OP.

magnolia1 · 07/09/2006 17:23

I don't for one minute think a man is a bad father for wanting to be involved but I do think not being able to say no to you your Dh/dp is a problem especially if it is casuing you to struggle as lunaviz has said she is with expressing xx

CMac · 07/09/2006 17:28

Actually I think it's quite nice that your dh is so keen to help with the feeding - my dh was extremely supportive of my fully breasteeding - but probably more because he realised what a good deal this was for him in terms of getting up in the night etc rather than any more altruistic reasons! Maybe you could come to a compromise whereby he gives her whatever you manage to express then you top her up yourself before she goes down for the night. This means that she will still be stimulating the milk supply by sucking and your dh will feel involved too.

SufferingInSilence · 07/09/2006 20:14

There is much more emotional things happening with bf other than the health benefits. Again, I think it is a question of blance between the needs of the baby, the mum, the dad and the family as a whole.
I don't see why disturbed sleep shouldn't be taken into account (TBH, that's one reason why I FF ds1) but I don't think that should be the problem of the OP as she dd is already sleeping very well for a 2 weeks old.
Again, it is indispensible to talk and arrive to a conclusion that's working for everyone in the family inc the dad.

ANAconda · 07/09/2006 20:18

as a non bio parent i can sympathise with your DH. feeding your baby is really special, and no amount of bathing and playing is a substitute for that quiet, special time. Having said that, your DD is v young and you need to be feeding to establish a good supply. having a new baby is an exhausting and stressful time and you're probably not communicating v effectively. Ask him to wait a few weeks until your supply is in and then i'm sure you'll welcome him doing a feed!

kiskidee · 07/09/2006 20:24

this may be totally unhelpful advice but early days when dh wasn't getting how important this was to me, i would throw a bigger shitfit than he did and that always calmed him down and let him rething his strategy. i don't normally throw shitfits so when i do, they are showstopping.
would that work? sorry i can't be of more help.

kiskidee · 07/09/2006 20:27

oh, yes, my dh and i also have a lot of give and take in our relationship. but there are times when you can also say no to the other and they have to accept it. it is an element on something called trust.

tiktok · 08/09/2006 02:42

luna, and anyone else who wants to see a daddy bonded with his breastfed baby, click here

It's funny and cute, and that baby really, really loves his dad

(You might need to register with the You Tube site to see it)

Luna, maybe your dh could see it as proof that bf doesn't have to exclude fathers from making a relationship with their babies.

tiktok · 08/09/2006 02:43

PS Make sure you have the sound turned up on your computer

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