BFing = social outcast???

[MrsTittleMouse]

Hello all,
Complete newbie here: 32+1 with first pregnancy. I'd love to give BFing my best shot when the LO is born, so I've been reading some of the threads here with a lot of interest. I was wondering how people here coped when they were first BFing and hadn't completely got the hang of it. I can't imagine that it's easy to be discrete about it when both of you are still complete novices. What happens when the ILs come to visit, for example? Do I spend the whole time hidden with DD in the bedroom with my boobs out? They live away, and so can't come round "when it's convenient" for me and the LO. Also, I have 2 very elderly and unreliable grandparents. One has Altziemers (early stages), one is very nosey, and both are obsessed with sex! GM (nosey) has asked my Mum about my sex life in the past!!!!! Mum told here that it was none of either of their business.
GF (Altzeimers) tells v raunchy stories about his past to everyone (including to people like me and elderly women in the church) and there have been times when I've felt very uncomfortable in his presence.
I've spoken to my Mum about BFing around them, and she agreed that neither of them would behave appropriately, and that it was quite likely that they would take a v unheathy interest.
So what happens at social events like Christmas? Will I spend the whole time in another room on my own while everyone else has a jolly time?
Please help!
Mrs T-M

As a 'failed' BFer I may not be the best person to answer this, but, have seen wpomen BFing with baby and boob genteely concealed behind an artfully draped scraf/wrap - would work for 'normal' social situations, and you could pop into bedroom etc if you were around your grandparents.
Also, remember, your attitude to popping your boobs out may well change when you are BFing. Mine did, even though I didn't do it for long! I foudn my self sitting on sofa next to my BIL with ds attached! Felt a little awkward, but just could not be bothered to leave my living room!

First of all, well done for being organised and thinking about this. In my experience it took less than a coule of weeks before being able to feed 'discretly' and by 9 weeks I was in Blackpool at the pleasure beach feeding anywhere and everywhere. However THIS WAS MY EXPERINCE and my boobs were never enourmous and my baby fed well.

When feeding you don't actually 'get your boobs out' and have them flapping in the wind, usually one at a time and then the baby's head covers everything anyway. It depends on teh tops you wear, but I found a huge babby t-shirt hoicked up worked for me, other prefertops they can unbutton, or a loose shirt over a vest top/ this way you can cover everything and no-one unles their face is in yours can see abyway.

What I am trying to say is by christmas it will be fine, you baby should be in some sort of suotine (if you want them to be) and feeding should take around 20 mins (yes others will say no routine and hours feeding, but this was my personal experince)

Personally I got into a routine quickly, I fed approx every 3 hrs from the start, as this suited me and my baby, it fitted with her natuaral urges I found!! It meant that I knew when wasgood/bad times to arrange stuff too, and also meant I just went out for 1/2 hour.

Good luck

Ti Mrs T-M

I bf dd until she was about 7 months old and like you I wondered about being discreet about it before she was born. Once she was a few weeks old though I wasn't quite so bothered and I fed her anywhere and everywhere she needed it. In my own home I fed her in the living room and if anyone didn't like it then tough. As has already been said, it is easy to be discreet by covering with baggy clothes or muslins* so no-one need see anything anyway. The baby takes a lot of the nipple into its mouth rather than just the pointy bit so there's not much to see anyway. By Christmas you will be confident enough to whip out a boob and latch baby on without anyone even noticing what's going on.

I've fed dd in all sorts of places - ferrys, waiting rooms, pubs etc without any problem at all.

All the best and good luck with the bfing

*Buy plenty of muslin squares, they are soooo useful, mop up cloths, sun shades, play things, etc etc

You could always give ebm if you feel you cant feed your lo, i did this when out with family for the first couple of months. But was then out for tea one night, and had to feed ds infrot of mt dad and brother, will now feed him anywhere.

Hi Mrs T-M In the first few weeks I felt like I was never going to be able to feed in public the idea horrified me, but I bought a few good nursing bras (clips are easier and more discreet than zips) I bought a couple of tops, don't cover the boobs any more but you don't feel like you are undressing (I found sweedish tops from NCT catalogue best, but just buy one to start with) Start of feeding in front of people you are comfortable with and gradually push your comfort level, I found it easier in front of strangers than my own family. I was so worried someone would make a comment or ask me to leave, this has never happened. My DS is now 5 months I go any where and everywhere feeding and it doesn't bother me at all, I still won't feed in front of my FIL but I just pop up stairs, hubby comes to and he takes over and does the nappy change bit. You will be an expert by christmas, you'll know what you are comfortable with and it will be easy!!

I started as I meant to go on.

There was NO WAY I was hiding away in a room for hours on end (and it can be hours!!).

I think, in my humble opinion, that if you think you should be embarassed, the people around you will think they should too. And will act accordingly and start admiring your ceiling light fittings etc.

Just feed, with a artfully draped muslin cloth and wear a cardi to cover stomach area, and carry on talking normally.

I fed in front of my family and friends AND dh's 80 year old grandad, who I am sure probably was shocked the first time, but didn't bat an eyelid after a while.

Sometimes, yes, I wanted to visitors to LEAVE so I could slob on the sofa in comfort with it all hanging out, but please do not hide away and ruin your Christmas.

I agree by Christmas you will have it sussed. Breastfeeding in a quiet place away from the hubbub can be very pleasant for you and the baby, though - going to lie down by yourselves and just concentrating on one another is a lovely thing to do, and important at a time when there is going to be lots going on and loads of people wanting to hold the baby.

I went up to my bed when my FIL visited in the early days, purely because I found if I did not, he was embarrassed and felt he had to leave the room. So out of respect for him I went somewhere private. I would only do this for an older gentleman who I care for and respect though! Anyone else can ruddy look away if they don't like it

Other than that I found most people visiting a new mother and baby expected to see a lot of breastfeeding going on - people can always cut their visit short if they are not happy with it, and it does not take long before you are feeding very discreetly without even thinking about it. Many people actually enjoy (in an innocent way!) seeing a baby being fed, as it is not something we often get to witness in our culture.

Best of luck, Mrs T-M. Some of your worries may seem insignificant once your baby is here and you are overwhelmed by your instincts to care for him or her.

Please don't hide away. I think it's normal to be embarrassed at first - it's a new experience - but you soon get used to it. In the early days when you are getting the positioning/latch right it's hard to be discreet. But a muslin over your shoulder and a b/f or nursing bra (with clips that undo) should mean there's little for anyone to see. And grown-ups should know it's rude to stare anyway.

I fed everywhere and anywhere, whenever ds was hungry. In front of my dad felt wierd at first but I got over it (and he was fine, bless him). I did disappear to my bedroom when everyone came round to see ds a few days after he was born - just felt uncomfortable with 30 people in the house. But that was because I preferred it, not because anyone made me. Even then, a friend's little girl followed me because her mum was pregnant and she was curious (very helpful, she fetched me a cup of tea).

As for your grandparents, sounds like you want to be out of their view when you feed, but by Christmas you'll have it down to a fine art and it will just look like you are cuddling your baby. Or recruit someone else to distract them - your mum sounds like an ally.

I was worried about this too, but to ber honest did not find it a problem in the end, and would happily feed my DS anywhere, anytime! As other hsve said you do not really "expose" your boobs anyway. I ahve fed DS in front of most of my friensda nd realtives and never really had any negative comments, think they will only be embarressed if you are. Actually became a standing joke among my friends in a "Got her baps out agin..." type way!

Agree with all the others - you'll be fine. Though sometimes with the in-laws I found it a great excuse to slope off and have a bit of quality time with baby . Also you may have a speed feeder like my ds, 10-15 mins done and dusted. My dd - feeds took hours, you just never know.

Is there a breastfeeding support group near you? I went to our local one and we all used to go to a cafe in town after the meeting and bf our babies together! It really helped my confidence and I found it much easier after having done it with someone else .

Practice is what it takes - I BF'd 2nd dd and the first few days wer anything but discreet (little blighter wasn't hungry and was awkward to get latched on), by second week we'd sorted positions out, by 3rd week I felt OK to go to cafe's - nowadays there are a lot with dimmed lights, and seats positioned at all angles so you can turn your back to everyone else. Not much you can do about the attitudes of elderly relatives, other than develop a thick skin. Perhaps get baby latched on out of their sight, once he/she is sucking away come back with shawl/blanket etc artfully draped round you and it looks like you're cuddling.

Good luck!!

Ironically, the time I felt most uncomfortable was at a cafe in Guildford when I gave dd a bottle of EBM (can't remember why - I think I'd expressed too much and needed space in the freezer or something daft). I felt guilty and as if I should be shouting "it's breast milk you know!!"

Ironically, the time I felt most uncomfortable was at a cafe in Guildford when I gave dd a bottle of EBM (can't remember why - I think I'd expressed too much and needed space in the freezer or something daft). I felt guilty and as if I should be shouting "it's breast milk you know!!"

A good friend had a baby at the same time as me and we regularly went out for lunch and happily sat in a wine bar/ cafe breast feeding together, definitely agree that stregnth in number helps you to build confidence!

Also bear in mind that when put in the stuiation you may well dind that give the choice of screamng baby or norks out in public, it is an easy choice!!

Good luck!!

Try your local NCT coffee mornings - our group was mostly BF mums (though contrary to popular belief you won't be thrown out if you use bottles!!)

That way you can see how others do it - there may be a "bumps and babes" group so you can go when you're on mat leave before baby arrives. I tried a couple of groups - one I didn't click with, the next one I did and made some good friends and we're still meeting up 3 years on.

As a first time mum I found it hard to bf in front of people for couple of months, used to pop upstairs to feed DD when had visitors. Luckily she was very quick feeder from the day 1, so had to ''hide'' only for a 10-15mins at the time.
Now DD is nearly 4months I feed her everywhere

I think for some mums it just takes bit of a time to get used to breastfeeding. I was unconfortable bf-ing in public because I have very fast let down and when DD was younger she couldn't cope with that, so milk was flying everywhere. Now we're both used to that and don't have to hide anymore!

Good luck with bf, I'm sure you'll find your way feeding LO and sure by Christmas you're expert bfeeder

And I think it's fine if you still feel like hiding from your grandparents when they're visiting - just take this time as a perfect oppurtunity to spend some time alone just with your baby, away from those annoying visitors

My first set of visitors was my gran, nan, aunty and mum. I just fed DS when he wanted. They all wanted lots of piccies of him, half of which were taken while he was attached! They just couldn't wait! I've not seen any of these piccies yet, and I would have preferred it if the waited.

My FIL would always leave the room which made me uncomfortable, so I started leaving the room instead. He doesn't seem bothered any more, and I'm too stubborn to get up now

Just go with how you feel at the time. and good luck with the birth andd bfing

Wow! So many replies!
I'm sure that DH and both my DP will be allies, I think I might have to use them as "distractors" if GPs start to get too nosey!
I hadn't thought about Mums and babies groups as practical demonstrations of discrete BFing, but that's a brill idea. I don't know any other PG Mums here (just moved back from abroad), so I was thinking of joining up as a way of meeting new people anyway.
I'm sure that when this LO is here, that I'll have a lot less time for worrying, so hopefully I'll just be able to go with the flow and use BFing as a useful way to bugger off when the relatives are really getting on my nerves!
Mrs T-M

I b-feed with family around. my dad gets a bit embarared and disapears to the kitchen/garden/behind a paper. If its busy 9 like christmas will be, or ayt a family party) i take ds to another room to feed coz if its too busy he won;t settle down and feed. he keeps pulling away to look around and see who talking, ande thats when nipples flash, milk squirts and its all rather a pain. different babies will behave differently tho.
echo the comment that mums and tots is good place to get your confidece up in feeding in public.at a group we go to there are a couple of mums still feeding 18 month olds , and i've had lots of prasctical advice and many cups of tea.

i did spend the first few weeks only bfing in the bedroom when people came to visit. not cos i felt awkward, but i just wanted somewhere peaceful while i was still 'learning' to do it. dd is now 13 weeks and i'll feed her anywhere. FIL still gets awkward and goes to find jobs that need doing in the garden but no one else is bothered.

I used to hide in my room to BF at first too and DS is the second one I have fed.
Like someone else said I don;t do it in front of my FIL because he feels uncomfortable and if he actually lived close by I would not care but he is lives so far away he has nowhere to escape to so I leave him playing with DD.
I started doing it in front of friends who visited and family that I was comfortable with then pushed that a bit by ding it on the train home from town a couple of times then one day I was at an event that was outdoors and had to now I don't care where I am.
It does get to the stage where if your baby is hungry you will just do it without thinking about it anyway and by the time you have realised you realise that it doesn't matter anyway.

Both my babies were born just before family celebration seasons, and I chose to go off somewhere private to feed for the first few days. It doesn't take long to get the hang of snuggling up with the baby and covering yourself up to your own comfort - though it may take much longer to actually crack the whole bf business. I certainly didn't find that I missed out on anything. It may feel like the umbilical cord has been reattached at the nipple, but the truth is that you do get breaks from feeding. If anything, going off to feed in private was often a relief from the attention the baby and I woudl be getting, nto to mention a chance to lie down and rest.

Certainly feed where you feel comfortable, and everything else can wait. You may also find that having just, say, your mum around while you feed eases you into the confidence to feed in the presence of others.