Lisa (huge hugs to you) I really feel for you and know what you are going to.
I didn;t b/f my dd. This was largely due to brainwashing by my family of how I wouldn;t cope, not being comfortable with my breasts, I understand about not liking them being touched etc and suffering nightmares about breastfeeding whilst pregnant. I had virtually no midwife support or the chance to talk through my fears.
I became VERY defensive about the whole issue. This was mainly due to regretting the decision once dd was bout 6-8 weeks old. I became angry, resentful and a whole host of other feelings if I saw anything about breast is best.
Ds is now nearly 4 weeks old. This time I was determined to breastfeed, however he has other ideas. He became completely hysterical every time he came near the breast and refused to feed for an entire day. His weight dropped from 5lb 14oz at birth to 4lb 10oz.
I have spent the last 3 weeks expressing and cup feeding but it is so exhausting. I have had fantastic support from midwives, bfc's and my HV. He did begin to come to the breast and suck and I though things were going well about a week ago but it turns out he still isn't feeding effectivly. His weight remains static at 5lb 1oz and he is jaundiced. It is very worrying.
I have decided I can't cope with him fighting at the breast, sterilising, expressing, cup feeding and look after a 2 year old so for the moment I am not offering the breast and expressing whatever I can to cup feed him but last night dh gave him 1 formula feed in the night to give me a rest.
I so do not want to give up, everyone says that given time he will learn to feed so I am trying to keep this optin open but it is really a case of how long I can continue with this. I was prepared for the normal problems (sore nipples etc) but when you realise that your baby is literally starving it becomes a case of getting milk into him by whatever method and whatever kind.