Will I ever stop feeling guilty and sad for what we're missing out on by bottle feeding?

[LondonLancashireRose]

DS (first baby) is 6 weeks old and has been bottle fed with formula and expressed breast milk since he was 4 weeks.

I so desperately wanted to breast feed but he lost a lot of weight after he was born and was re-admitted to hospital for a short while. They needed me to top him up after each feed with expressed breast milk so they could monitor how much he was eating. Unfortunately he really took to the bottles and started putting less and less effort in at the breast. We saw specialist midwives but nothing helped and eventually a LLL counsellor told me that it was unlikely he would ever breast feed properly now. I was killing myself expressing enough for every feed so we introduced formula for some so that I would actually have time to sleep, and also to enjoy him!

He is now gaining weight really well, and obviously that's the most important thing, but I just feel so sad that we're missing out on the closeness of him feeding from me. Plus, I'm SO pro-breastfeeding that I feel incredibly guilty that I'm not doing it. Every time I have to explain to a health visitor I want to cry. I'm also really nervous about going to places that are breastfeeding friendly incase I have to defend my use of a bottle.

Will I feel this sad, emotional and guilty forever? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you snap out of it? I'm sitting here cuddling my perfect baby and just feel like I've failed him

You have not failed. I have 2 big dcs who were ff they are perfect, I have a great bond with them. At 8+6 you can't tell who in their peer group were bf/ff and tbh who the hell cares?

As long as they are fed, nothing matters.

Ds2 is ebf, but only because he knew how, and I had very few problems. SIL had thrush, mastitis, oversupply, tongue tie. If I'd have faced that ds2 would be ff too.

Try not to beat yourself up. The fact you even worry about it is testament to how much you care.

OK, so breast is best, but the object of the exercise is to nourish your baby. The bottle is achieving the object, as you acknowledge above. You're doing the best for your child. This way, your partner can enjoy the experience of feeding him, too.

There's honestly no need to feel guilty, and no need to explain to anyone. You didn't really need me to tell you, but I am, for what it's worth.

Wishing you well.

Please don't feel guilty, you are doing the very best for you baby. He needs love and nutrition - it really doesn't matter where his milk comes from. I breastfed dc1, but not dc2 or dc3. They are all equally has healthy, bright and wonderful and I have just as strong a bond with my bottle fed dc as my breast fed child.

Be kind to yourself, you haven't done anything wrong. I think it's so sad when women feel a failure when they don't breastfeed, please don't let this spoil this special time with your baby.

Yes I have been in a similar situation. No, you won't feel like this forever. For me, the passage of time lessened the ache and especially now my dd is weaned and only on 1 bottle at bedtime.

I also told myself not to get hung up on this one thing, that I can't change, and stop myself enjoying everything else.

There is still regret if I think about it now but I don't very often.

Oh you certainly haven't failed! You are loving & feeding your baby so that he grows big & strong. Please don't feel guilty, you did your very best with breast feeding. Plenty of us have turned to formula for similar reasons.

Dd1 I "failed" to bf

Dd2 I bf until last week at the age of 1yr.

I can categorically promise you the bond is no different with them AT ALL.

And yes when they hit 1.5 and are eating crap off the floor etc and are little people you'll wonder what all the fuss was about during the overwhelming new parent stage.

Please stop this. Right now. You are feeding your baby, cuddling your baby, loving your baby. that is what is important!

...& yes the guilt will ease with time.

Thank you everyone. You've given me the talking to I needed to give myself.

You will feel better about this, I promise. I wasn't able to establish bf with DD1, she is 2.5 now and it doesn't make me feel sad anymore. I still get pangs when I see or meet a breast feeding mum but mostly it's an "aw, that's nice, good for her" rather than a full on breakdown, which is what it was to begin with.

You're doing your best, try to enjoy the moments you can and when it all gets too much, have a little cry, allow yourself a little wallow in the feeling and then shake yourself and get on with the day.

I liken it to grief. Tiktok is a great poster on here who speaks very wise words about how women feel when they can't get bf established. I hope she comes along.

I struggled for three weeks to BF DD. Three weeks of hell. When I finally stopped and my husband gave her a bottle for the first time I had to leave the room in tears.
She thrived on formula and is happy and healthy. When DS was born he was exclusively formula fed as I was taking medication that made BF impossible. He also thrived.
I did miss the closeness of BF - the few times it went well with DD it did feel incredibly bonding. But, more often than not, I found it uncomfortable and stressful.
I felt terribly guilty with DD that I couldn't BF after struggling with it for so long. It lasted a while, mainly as she was PFB and I was totally brainwashed with 'breast is best' and felt like a failure.
I feel differently now. It's all about what suits you and what you're able to do. You can have a healthy baby whether formula fed or BF.
In fact, I just felt grateful that I had the option to formula feed - had this been 100 years ago or a third world country my babies would have died if they'd not breast fed.
So, yes feeling guilty is normal. But it will get better!

Please do not feel guilty, bf is down to luck, health issues and a whole range of things, and none to feel guilty about.
I bf both my babies for 12 mths, and I honestly don't think it created any more of a bonding experience than just generally being with them and being their Mummy. I read loads of books when feeding them and often rested a book on their heads(!), and they had their eyes closed concentrating, so no TV advert style gazing adoring into each others eyes.
Please don't beat yourself up here, bf is not the be all and end all.

OP - Take a look at your beautiful boy. Look at his teeny squishy nose, smell that lovely milky baby smell, let his finger curl around yours, snuggle him in nice and tight and listen to those soft snores.

Honestly. That's all that matters. You got him here by carrying him. And you're keeping him here by feeding him - whatever way is necessary.

I kept hold of a lot of guilt because I couldn't make breastfeeding work when DD was born. Years later I managed to feed DS and now I've raised and fed one on the breast and one with a bottle I look at them both and it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I fed them. They are both healthy and happy and that's all that really matters.

Congratulations on your son!

I had a similar experience to you op with DS 2 years ago - I threw in the bf towel after the stay in SCBU, 10 weeks of decreasing boob time, increasing bottles and maddening seemingly unproductive pumping. By the time we started on solids, I really didn't think about it any more: finding ways of "enjoying" the other milestones of my baby (and my DH's capability of looking after him) and all the other little things a baby does as they start to develop helped me get through. Finding friends who were also ff'ing helped me come to terms - my antenatal group all bf'd more easily (but not completely straightforwardly) than me. Then seeing the gamut of different parenting styles and choices (that its not all bf & ff) helped me put things in perspective.

I'm not "over" it as such - DC2 is due in a week and I didn't realise until a few weeks ago how much I had to "grieve" that the choice to bf/ff was taken away from me (or I unwittingly made choices that didn't help it). I'm working now on giving bf the best possible chance this time round, so I can make a choice for our family about how much work to take on to make it work for us. Having the knowledge that his will pass I hope will help.

Congratulate and celebrate what you were and are able to give your LO. When people ask if you breasted you can say yes, no need for the caveats or explanations, in real life my experience is no one judges or really, cares, although I don't think I'd have believed that if someone told me when I was in a similar place to you.

Why not have some skin to skin with your baby every now and then? It's an amazing bonding experience BF or FF. strip down and cuddle. This might help you a bit and make you realise that you can have the bonding elements without the actual BF bit iyswim.

You haven't failed. Apart from anything else, you have made sure your baby got breastmilk despite the difficulties by expressing. And personally I think expressing is a real commitment of time and energy in a way that breastfeeding isn't (I say this as a breastfeeder myself; I HATE expressing). So in fact you are actually going the extra mile to give your baby your milk - you could think of it that way.

And where are these breastfeeding friendly places you will be judged? I breastfeed and have also taken out expressed bottles (which look identical to formula) and nobody has ever commented to me about anything. Or even paid any attention. I honestly think most people simply don't care how other people feed their babies - I certainly don't if I attend any baby groups. I am too busy trying to stay awake and wondering if I can make more than toast for dinner.

Don't beat yourself up anymore. As someone else said, soon your baby will be licking the floor and ingesting dirt, old pieces of apple and so on. The stage where the diet is pure milk is extremely short and then milk will become part of a varied diet (hopefully not too much dirt ) which will make a long term difference to your child too. So this is only a tiny part of life.

Hope you feel better soon. X

You've not failed at all!
If it makes you feel better though - I didn't really want to bf (don't want to stir anything - I just didn't!) but was asked to by nurses when DS was prem and tiny. I expressed pitifully then bf him fairly sucessfully but he never really gained weight. Then he fell really ill - dangerously low body temp / almost in a coma, frighteningly low sugar...

Turns out I'd poisoned him with my prescribed meds (usually safe - not with ds it turns out!) He very nearly died - I fely guilty for a long time but he's ok now so I can look back and see it wasn't my fault.

AND THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT - we do what's best for our kids and ff is best for yours. End of.

Disclaimer - I'm not belittling DS' illness - it was a terrifying time. We choose not to dwell on it - that's all.

I was unable to bf DS, now 18mo. I still feel really sad about it. Of course our bond is very strong, face-touching and eye contact and warmth and familiar smell etc still happen through ff. I'm hoping I won't feel sad and a failure for long I know I'm being irrational, DS is strong as an ox and very cheeky

I send to you OP

I felt exactly as you did OP when my plans to bf didn't go entirely to plan. The expressing 8+ times daily was unsustainable and was turning me into some mad woman who could not enjoy our dd plus I could not express enough milk as dd grew. I reluctantly gave up and beat myself up about it for months on end. Dd is now 2.5 and there's absolutely no difference between her and EBF children and those who were FF from birth.

It all seems so insignificant now. I'm pregnant with dc2 so I'm hoping that things will be better this time round, but also think that if bf doesn't work out then I'll know when to stop trying. Enjoy your new baby - time goes by so fast that you don't want to waste it worrying.

OP - do skin to skin, put your baby to your breast if it can happen without a struggle, and just enjoy any sort of closeness you can....the transfer of milk from A to B is not necessary for this :)

Years ago, I wrote a post about buying a ticket for the breastfeeding bus and how it feels when you end up on the bottle feeding bus...read it hear and see if it speaks to you :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/274983-omg-you-d-think-i-was-feeding-my-3-week?#5504964

OP, I could almost have written your post. DD was 4 weeks early, in scbu, jaundiced, couldn't feed from me, lost 9.5% body weight.

I was expressing like a maniac, to the detriment of everything, particularly my DS, who was virtually neglected as I constantly expressed, faffed around with nipple shields, topped up with bottles & tried to BF. I had huge amounts of support from scbu & infant feeding advisors, but it just didn't work.

After a month of this, she still couldn't BF & my supply was dwindling, plus DS was behaving badly as we were inside virtually 24 hours a day. So bottles of formula it was.

I still mourn BF; there will be no more babies for me & have never been able to BF either of my children (they were both premature). It feels like a bereavement in some ways & I will always feel sad about it.

I am just trying to focus on the benefits of FF (eg had a full day in town on my own shopping yesterday, DP did the night feed).

Please be kind to yourself, knowing that you did your best. And enjoy your baby too. My FF daughter is sleeping on my chest right now

Thank you all for being so kind and helpful. I am feeling much more positive than when I first posted.

DS is currently cuddled up to me in our new moby wrap (which I love!) and each day I am expressing enough for about 3 of his bottles.

I have really given myself a 'count your blessings' shake which you all helped with!

I'm glad you are feeling better. Honestly it doesn't matter, I mix feed DD1 for 5 months. She hated BFing and was far more content when I gave up forcing her to try and BF.

I BF DD2 for way more than 5 years.

DD1 is still, at 15, the really cuddly affectionate one.