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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Lonely Breastfeeder - It's getting me down.

48 replies

cheeseypeas · 03/05/2006 22:48

After a very rocky start, I've loved and still love breastfeeding my son, who's just turned 1. I've decided that, as long as he wants to, I want to continue to breast feeding until he's about 2ish.

The thing that's really getting me down lately is peoples ignorance to breastfeeding and the fact that ever since my baby was born (although I know lots of mums and babies) I am the only one that breastfeeds.

It's so upsetting, even close friends and family of mine (not all but most) think that my extended breast feeding and part (half the night) co sleeping is to the detrement of my son. I have had so many 'what are you doing? You'll make him clingy and dependant....I could go on.'

I know lots of mums and babies and have always been the only breast feeder. I am doing what I am doing because I'm following my baby's lead, giving him nuture and comfort. I've seen how we both benefit, but when I try to explain where I'm coming from, no-one understands.

I know it's hard at the start and it can be difficult with going back to work etc, but why do so few people breast feed and why do those who do have to defend their actions from people who haven't done it and don't understand it???

Sorry, rant over. Just feel like I'm the only one extended breast-feeding and part co-sleeping.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 03/05/2006 22:53

You're not the only one - there's me too! (ds is 1 in 2 weeks' time) :)

I find I tend to get one of two reactions: they boil down to either 'wow' (meant admiringly) or 'oh dear'.

hermykne · 03/05/2006 22:54

do you have to expalin to them, why do others have to know, at 13mths when i stoipped feeding my ds hardly anyone knew i was still feeding him.
its not my thing to be public about how long one does it for, but i am public about the wonderful world of breastfeeding.
you know its good and feel comfortable so why worry about oyur family friedns whoever.
at this stage he probably only feeds morn and evening so its not like you re out and about with a newborn baby anyway.

emkana · 03/05/2006 22:54

I know how you feel, I didn't and don't know anybody in RL who breastfeeds that long and/or co-sleeps either.

What I did was a/ stop discussing the matter, possibly even giving misleading answers when people asked, so as not to be drawn into a debate about what I was doing
b/ feel very very proud about doing something which I knew in my heart of hearts was in the very best interest of my dd's

Don't give up, you're doing a great job!

busybusybee · 03/05/2006 22:57

CP - My dd is normally really clingy and I didnt bf beyond 7 months so I think the clingy argument is fairly week tbh

I didnt really know anyone who bf beyond a few weeks so you are not alone there

Helen139 · 03/05/2006 23:01

i am sorry people make you feel like this what you are doing is a marvellous thing. i always wanted to breast feed when i had my son who turns 2 in 2 weeks but he was born with a serious heart condition and spent 6 weeks in alder hey from the moment he was transfered from birth. and i was unable to do it i expressed for a while but i lost my milk in the end.

if you and your child are benefiting from it then carry on i feel cheated in a way that i couldnt do it its the most natural thing in the world and you are one of the few marvellous people out there that actually want to take the time to make sure your child gets the best start in life.

ignore all the people who judge you they are the ones that should be judged in respect that they are ignorant to the most natural thing in the world no matter how long you do if for.

i think you are great and so do a lot of other people ignore them idiots and just enjoy the closeness with your child.

i'll shut up now but i hope i have made you feel a lttle better about it. xxxx kisses xxxx smile

HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:03

Oh, CP, you sound so sad Sad

There are plenty of people on here who breastfeed and plenty more who breastfeed and struggle with people's reactions to it.

There are two people who need to be comfortable with you feeding - you and DS. Other people - they probably will comment, but frankly, if they do, they'd probably comment about something else that you were doing that they weren't keen on. In some ways it's easier if you keep bfeeding so you don't find out what other areas these idiots think you're lacking in as they'll stick to that as a topic Wink Grin

Seriously though, having bfed DS1 till nearly 17m and now bfeeding DS2 who is 15wo and will do until he self-weans - if other people have a problem with it, then it's their problem.

There is a school of thought that says that if you meet a child's needs when they're little, it gives them the solid foundation and the confidence to go out into the world and explore it - it makes sense to me.

Your DS knows you love him and will be there for him - I think there's too much emphasis placed on making children fiercely independent from the word go.

Chin up and be very proud for what you're doing. And feel free to use my "change the subject very obviously" technique for interfering idiots, family member or friend... It goes a little something like this:

Moron: "You're not still breastfeeding that huge child, are you?!"

Me: "You're not still poking your nose in where it's not needed, are you? Now, who would like a cup of tea?"

foundintranslation · 03/05/2006 23:07

psml hunker! love that response.
Got talking to a student of mine the other week about our respective children. I mentioned I was still bf and she said, having misunderstood his age earlier in the conversation: 'at 17 months?!' with a Shock look on her face. I said 'he's 11 months' and she said 'well, that's alright then' wtf?!?

TheBlonde · 03/05/2006 23:09

Cheesey, I am still feeding my DS at 14 mths. I still feed in public and those around me know I am still breastfeeding but I don't discuss it with them. All but one of the RL mums I know gave up at 6 mths

Have you thought of looking for a la leche league group in your area? I am on the verge of joining mine

LeahE · 03/05/2006 23:09

DS is 15.5 months and we're still bf (only twice a day as I'm working full-time, though -- would be more often if I weren't at work). We would still be semi-cosleeping if he hadn't spontaneously decided to sleep better on his own.

If it gets you down I'd be inclined to learn the facts and sources \link{http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html\here} and quote them back at the questioner.

Them: You'll make him clingy and dependant

You: It's interesting you should say that. Studies have shown that children who are breastfed for longer are better adjusted socially. Do you know of any research that contradicts that?

etc., etc. for other stupid comments

Or just give them a long appraising look and say "I'm sorry, I must have been unclear. I've already made my decision about how I feed my son, and I didn't mean to imply that I was asking for your opinion. Thank you for sharing it, though."

I'm lucky -- I know my mother thinks I should have given up by now but she doesn't go on about it, while I think my MIL is entirely in favour. And most of my other friends with babies DS's age are very positive about it too (at least to my face...) and say that they think it's great that I've managed to keep up the bf. So I get a lot of positive vibes. It must be tougher for you.

MagicGenie · 03/05/2006 23:15

Love your name, Cheesypeas...really made me smile (and recite lots of Fast Show quotes to myself :)

I didn't do much co-sleeping (DS wasn't into it...liked his space too much when asleep!) and 'only' breast fed til he was 8 months so wasn't exactly where you are, however...

...I had one circle of friends who did not and would never breast feed in a million years. They thought I was mad to carry on til 8 months! Their thinking is that the benefits of bfing are propaganda, bfing is undignified/ungainly in public and too much of a hassle in comparison to (in my opinion) the faffing about needed with sterilising etc etc.

Also, my MIL thought that my bfing would make my DS needy/clingy...plus she thought that breast milk wouldn't fill him cos he was bigger than average (this attitude continues; she still sticks any old gubbins down his neck to fill him.)

I felt resentful that people such as my friends and MIL didn't feel pleased/proud that I was doing what I felt was best for him. But...everyone makes their own choice and it's difficult to judge others...at least that's what I came to feel.

Anyway, wanted to say, you carry on for as long as you want and don't be put off, if you (and your partner, if you have one) are resolved and happy to do it :)

HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:16

at bfeeding promotion being propaganda, MG!

LeahE · 03/05/2006 23:17

P.S. Actually, I prefer HunKeRMunKeR's response.

I do disagree respectfully with those who said "why do other people need to know?". Being open about extended bf, if enough of us do it, should eventually help (a bit) to wear down prejudices about it. I don't [disturbing mental image coming up] ram it down anyone's throats, but if, for example, a colleague says "you're not still breastfeeding, I suppose" I will say "actually, I am, but..." rather than just not mention it. I'm very happy to be still bf and don't think it's something I need to hide away. Mind you, if you're getting these consistentky negative vibes there's no harm in giving yourself a bit of a vacation from single-handedly defending extended breastfeeding for a while.

milward · 03/05/2006 23:21

I've been the only one bf plus also co-sleeping - & it's tough when you get comments. Ignore others & do what you want. Best wishes xxx

HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:23

Agree with your disagreeing respectfully, LeahE - I think it's good to talk about bfeeding older children - often people's gut reaction to it is "Nooo, a big child sucking your nipples, you weird freaky creature!". Either that or "OMG, did you see that programme?" Er, yes, and

I have had several light convos with people about bfeeding an older child - I don't harp on about it (honest, Jools, I don't Wink Grin), but I do find that people are genuinely interested and I've often had people saying "Oh, right, I didn't realise that" about some of the benefits, etc. Or I just say it gave me an extra 10 minutes in bed in the morning - most people understand that one Wink Grin

dinny · 03/05/2006 23:25

what is extended bfing? over 1? or over 2? or just with teeth (in this country, probably, lol)

misdee · 03/05/2006 23:26

i just relaise, i dont know any 'extended' breastfeeders in real life. i must shock some people when giving dd3 her mid morning feed in town, she is getting big now lol. i also part co-sleep with all my children. i go to bed alone but wake with them all in there most mornings. dd3 often uses dd2 tummy as a pillow Smile

HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:27

Think the definition is often past 6m, Dinny.

Misdee...you know me Grin

Lact8 · 03/05/2006 23:27

Cheeseypeas, I can really relate to how you are feeling, I was 20 and breastfeeding, I didn't have any friends my age who had babies, the only mums I met through playgroups etc were older and bottle feeding and I constantly felt I had to defend what I was doing.

I've co-slept with both of my boys, (and currently co-sleeping with DD, I love having a baby in bed with me! Smile) DS1 would never go to sleep on his own, would wake through the night and I felt I could never say anything about it as it would validate all of the 'rod for my own back' comments

Ds2 co-slept as well and goes to bed a 7 every night without fail an not a peep put of him all night.

I think one is a good sleeper, the other isn't and it doesn't have anything to do with breastfeeding, its just how they are.

Did you ever see the Are you an avid brestfeeder thread on here? I think it would be worth doing a search for and read other mum's positive experiences, so many of the posts made me go 'aah' Smile

HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:29

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1364&threadid=164319&stamp=060419192631\The 100% breastfeeder thread Lact8 mentioned}

misdee · 03/05/2006 23:30

of course i do hunker Grin i meant to say locally to me Grin

Lact8 · 03/05/2006 23:30

Thanks Hunker, I still don't knwo how to do links Blush

MagicGenie · 03/05/2006 23:35

Hunker, actually quite surprised that bfing after 6 mnths is often classed as 'extended'.

Blimey. Quite sad in a way.

Original poster
cheeseypeas · 03/05/2006 23:36

Thanks so much for your comments! I can't tell you how much I needed them. Excellent advice too. I think the best approach probably is to keep quite and change the subject firmly when it comes up.

I'll go on mumsnet next time I have an off day like this.

Thanks all again so much x x x

OP posts:
HunKeRMunKeR · 03/05/2006 23:48

Glad MN could help, CP. More extended bfeeders ready to bolster per square inch than anywhere else on the web, possibly Wink Grin

I just don't get why it's anybody else's business - am totally puzzled that people can be so rude! Mind you, am quite sure people who are rude about bfeeding are also as openly rude about loads of other things too - it's just Not A Very Nice Way To Go On, IMO.

Harpsichordcarrier · 03/05/2006 23:50

damn am I too late to say how fab bf is Grin
am I am I??

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