I'm a monumental failure :(

[Spuddybean]

DS is 17 wks tomo and he is refusing food and not putting on weight. He has never been great at feeding. I can only bf from one side so have tried to top up with bottles. Since he was born (9lbs) we have never not had a problem with feeding. At first we tried both boobs for wks but the left (inverted nipple) just wouldn't come out enough to latch and pumping for 45 mins only gave me half an oz. So we started on just right boob and top ups, then he didn't want boob, only bottle - so i was expressing to feed in the bottle. Then he went back to boob but he wasn't really bothered about either tbh, has always just eaten enough to get by and got very distracted - so not a baby who loves his food or gets comfort from it or the boob. Then he got terrible reflux so we had 8 wks of wall to wall vomit. Then that stopped a bit just in time for teething to start.

Now for the past few wks he's been off bottle completely and only wants boob at night - eating every 2 hours but my poor boob just can't keep up. In the day hardly eating at all; 2oz every 6 hours. He is extremely active and always jumping. Rarely naps either. He appears to be living on fresh air. He poos every 3/4 days and they are thick and very smelly.

Went to HV/weigh clinic today and he weighs 16lb 4oz. They are concerned he is dropping from his line and not getting nutrients and moisture in his poos. They have advised me to start on solids. I am really upset about this. We had a terrible birth, have had terrible feeding and now i am failing him again.

All the advice says it is too early. yet i have to, and now i am putting his health at risk because i can't nourish him enough. i feel like a terrible mum :(

i left the hv sobbing. My mum is really old fashioned and has been trying to get me to wean him for a while and 'stop shoving my boob in his face'. So now i have just proved her right.

i don't really know why i'm posting. i have no one to talk to in rl.

Spuddy I don't really have any advice and I'm sure someone with much more knowledge will be along soon but you are not a failure at all, it sounds like you have been trying so hard.....sending you hugs xxx

Have a ((hug))

No advice on the bf issues as I only bf for 6 weeks. I never failed at bf and neither have you! I do feel that the HV's are talking a load of crap, he will still need breast milk or formula

DD started solids at 17/18 weeks due to medical issues. Have you spoken to any of the breast feeding helpines? Been to any of the breast feeding cafes?

Do you want to carry on feeding?

Yes, they say to carry on bfing and ff but starting on baby rice and pureed veg. I just wanted to wait till 6mo as DH has lots of allergies and intolerances so i wanted to give DS the best chance of avoiding them.

I know i'm over reacting but i have just tried so hard and i really wanted to be good at this for DS sake.

You are not over reacting, its hard when you have battle over battle [smlie]

Have you thought about mixed feeding?

How is his reflux now?

Right, first things first: You are not failing him.

My DS wasn't particularly interested in feeding either & we ended up starting to wean him & having to see a paediatrician who gave us high energy milk. He was also a very happy/bouncy child so I was a bit cross with a hv who once told me that people often don't notice that their child isn't getting enough nutrients & just think they have a v relaxed child when they're actually a bit lethargic. DS really was a very 'good' baby in terms of sleeping but was anything but lethargic!

Have you tried cup-feeding at all? He might be more willing to drink if he doesn't have to suckle. Failing that then do start introducing some baby rice. Yes, the NHS guidance is to wait until 6m but IIRC it also says 'but not before 17w'. There's actually evidence coming out of other countries that suggests that introducing potential allergens between 4-6m reduces the likelihood of allergies developing. We were invited to take part in a study about it in London but decided not to because of DS's weight gain issues.

I know it's stressful but try not to get too hung up on it. He'll get through it eventually! Do whatever you feel is best for your child, even if it does mean someone saying 'I told you so'. Weaning might be the best thing for him but that doesn't necessarily mean she's 'right' to tell you what to do!

You're doing a good job. Keep it up!

i do offer formula in bottles in between bfing but he is now refusing the bottle and just wants boob, but i don't have enough boob. He is on it every couple of hours and then throws it up.

Reflux has good and bad days.

Oh Spuddybean, they are such pickles! Particularly at 17 weeks! If you google 4month sleep regression, you might find some helpful stuff regarding them being a total nightmare!

No one tells you anything do they before you have the baby, about the millions of things that are really hard and stressful and its so easy to blame yourself when they happen, but its really not your fault!! You sound like you have done nothing but respond to everything he has thrown at you, from being distracted ans fussy to not napping and that will b sending him a really good message - that he is important to you and you are trying desperately to fulfill his needs, even if he can't tell you now (or ever haha). This parenting lark can be totally thankless and disheartening!

When you say he is dropping of his line, by how much? He could just be having a little plateau while he learns about the world? You might find in a few weeks, he'll be more up for it.

Are there times when he is more willing to sit still and breastfeed? At night? Can you tank him up at night? Is cosleeping/feeding an option? Sorry , I've just reread lol that's when he wants to feed! Monkey! Both mine (boys) did this. It is exhausting! But he is working hard to keep your milk going so it might be worth just going with him and maximising sleep whenever you can ... Your boob might feel empty but milk production is fastest in an empty boob (kellymom is a great site for explaining all of this - it also has a good page on the distracted baby) and your supply should increase to match his needs in a few days...

Can you try again to feed him from the other side? Biological Nurturing can help them to get a good mouthful of breast? Some people find a technique called the 'nipple nudge' lol helpful - you can use a finger to push into the breast from below the nipple and it sort of pushes your nipple out a bit.. some people also use the plastic bit of a syringe the wrong way round to draw the nipple out..

Anyway the fact that you have posted on here asking for help also means you are not a failure and you are being proactive!

Hth!

We do co-sleep and he eats at night. he has his days and nights mixed up still. he has a feed every 2/3 hours at night, but as i said it's my boob which isn't producing enough and he refuses bottles. I get the impression that if there was more boob milk he would be more than happy to have more. My rubbish body just wont make anymore. Because of my inverted nipple on the left.

I've tried everything with the nipple - squeezing it out, nipple shields, different holds for him, etc and he just gets furious as nothing comes out. I spent hours every day for weeks pumping it and it just never got the milk up.

You sound cross with your boob! Stoopid boob! It is possible to feed on one boob www.lalecheleague.org/nb/nbmayjun08p15.html and he sounds like he knows what he is doing demanding to be fed at night and you are going with him which is great. This is interesting too - kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/distractible-baby/ .
You might find if you keep up the night feeding, he puts a load of weight on by the next weigh in?

Spuddy you have worked and are working so hard and lovingly and dedicatedly....you don't deserve your self-criticism! :(

For whatever reason, it does seem that there is justification for offering your baby more calories....at 17 weeks, a small amount of solids is safe. There is no good research linking solids at 17 weeks with an increased risk of allergy. The risk with solids at 17 weeks is that they replace the more nutritionally-appropriate breastmilk but it does not sound as if this would be the case for you...any solids would be in addition to what you can get into him by way of breastmilk.

Any solids should be calorie dense - so not really baby rice, except this is bland, easy to get into a baby, and quick to prepare. You make baby rice more calorie dense by mixing it with ebm or formula (not water) . There are other more calorie dense foods and your HV should help you here.

I'm assuming he's been checked for tongue and any other oral anomaly which would make feeding difficult, tiring or uncomfortable for him?

Talk about your options with whichever HCP has talked the most sense with you over the past 4 mths.

I am going to add 2 feeds a day of baby rice and keep at the bfing as long as possible. I'm going back in 2 weeks so i hope he has gained a little. He is such a big boy tho. He is growing out of his 3-6 trousers. He is taller and heavier than 6 out of the 7 babies up to 4 wks older than him in my nct group and he is by far the tallest. He was the heaviest at birth tho.

He was 75th centile and is now about 65th. So i was surprised they were so quick so say put him on solids. They also seemed concerned about his poo.

I see he has dropped not even a centile space....I thought the weight situation was really serious from your first post as you said he is not gaining, and I did not check the figures. Seems he is, but more slowly? I take back my post - I can't see the problem with his weight.

A drop from the 75th to the 65th is half a centile space - if that is the only reason they are worried about his growth, I just don't get it.

The poos sound like the sort of poos you get with bf and formula.

Hi Tiktok, not sure if you remember me but you advised me when i was first bfing and trying on just one side. You suggested that if i start topping up with ff then my boob may dry up - It spurred me on to make sure i persevered with the bfing - despite everyone else telling me just to ff (not that i am criticising anyone if they did). So thank you :)

He isn't tongue tied - i made sure he was checked by numerous people just in case the others were wrong!

Yes, i will be mixing rice with formula. Never understood why someone would replace calorie rich milk with steamed carrot tbh!

Yes that's what i thought Tiktok, but they were really concerned and made me feel awful. I was crying. They told me i'd tried my best but i had to give him food now.

If I am right, and tiktok can explain more I'm sure, a move from 75th to 65th is really not a massive cause for concern - especially at this age when they get so so distracted! Some babies go above their line, below their line, above their line, below their line, for all time! Would you be happy waiting for the next weigh in - feeding him at every opportunity - and then deciding if adding extra calories is appropriate? He sounds to me like a gorgeous chunky monkey that is doing what he will do forever - test you at every turn and keep you on your toes!

cross posts! cant believe u felt so bad :( - cannot believe they said - you've tried your best but you had to give him food now! i am for you!

I think he is also burning loads off - he is in his jumperoo atm laughing and squealing and about to catapult thru the ceiling! No one can believe how strong and active he is. We swim loads and he can stand up, holding on in his tummy tub.

Exactly! They get well hungry because they are so strong and active! And all on your one boob - sounds like a pretty incredible boob to me

As others have said, feeding from one boob is fine and a small amount of solids is fine. I wouldn't bother with baby rice but high fat foods like avocado mashed with banana etc.

And you are not a failure!!! Quite the opposite in fact!

17 weeks is not too early to start on solids - in the 60s they used to start babies on solids at about 6 weeks. When I had my DDs in the early 90s, the advice was to start solids at 4 months.

Don't feel crap - all babies are different and all mothers are different. Give the solids a go and see what happens. I would also stick to either bf or bottle. Have you tried formula? You could try the hungry baby formula, which would keep him feeling fuller for longer.

Thank you all - you have made me feel much better. DH keeps saying you've tried your best. But that makes me feel worse as tho my best just isn't good enough. And if my best isn't good enough then that's shit for DS!

Spuddy then they have to explain why they are so worried....the usual guidance is that babies only need referral for poor weight gain with a sustained drop through two centile spaces (the centile spaces on the charts are the ones between the lines showing 99.6th, 98th, 91st,75th, 50th, 25th, 9th,2nd, 0.4th).

So 75th to the 65th (which is notional - it's not on the chart) is less than one centile space.

I am getting my info from the RCPCH website which has lots of stuff on the charts and weight, by the way. You can get a useful factsheet here : www.rcpch.ac.uk/child-health/research-projects/uk-who-growth-charts/uk-who-growth-chart-faqs/uk-who-growth-chart-faq.

Usually, local protocols suggest HVs and other look more carefully if babies are among the "less than 2% of infants [who] show a sustained drop through two or more weight centile spaces on the new WHO charts." As they say, if such a drop occurs, the child should be assessed in more detail. Where you are, maybe they have different guidelines.

No one can say what you should or should not do about your baby and his eating - but I do suggest you ask questions so you are clear about your choices.

Maybe they think your life would be easier with your baby on solid food - but that's for you to decide :)