I'm a monumental failure :(

[Spuddybean]

DS is 17 wks tomo and he is refusing food and not putting on weight. He has never been great at feeding. I can only bf from one side so have tried to top up with bottles. Since he was born (9lbs) we have never not had a problem with feeding. At first we tried both boobs for wks but the left (inverted nipple) just wouldn't come out enough to latch and pumping for 45 mins only gave me half an oz. So we started on just right boob and top ups, then he didn't want boob, only bottle - so i was expressing to feed in the bottle. Then he went back to boob but he wasn't really bothered about either tbh, has always just eaten enough to get by and got very distracted - so not a baby who loves his food or gets comfort from it or the boob. Then he got terrible reflux so we had 8 wks of wall to wall vomit. Then that stopped a bit just in time for teething to start.

Now for the past few wks he's been off bottle completely and only wants boob at night - eating every 2 hours but my poor boob just can't keep up. In the day hardly eating at all; 2oz every 6 hours. He is extremely active and always jumping. Rarely naps either. He appears to be living on fresh air. He poos every 3/4 days and they are thick and very smelly.

Went to HV/weigh clinic today and he weighs 16lb 4oz. They are concerned he is dropping from his line and not getting nutrients and moisture in his poos. They have advised me to start on solids. I am really upset about this. We had a terrible birth, have had terrible feeding and now i am failing him again.

All the advice says it is too early. yet i have to, and now i am putting his health at risk because i can't nourish him enough. i feel like a terrible mum :(

i left the hv sobbing. My mum is really old fashioned and has been trying to get me to wean him for a while and 'stop shoving my boob in his face'. So now i have just proved her right.

i don't really know why i'm posting. i have no one to talk to in rl.

You have done such a spantastic job on one bloody boob fgs! Keep this in mind whenever anyone says well meaning but irritating things like you have done your best lol! Reread this thread and hang in there Spuddybean! You and your little boy are a great team and can carry on as you wish. (You are probably knackered too from all that feeding in the night so look after yourself too!) Good Luck!

Others have given far better advice, I just wanted to say he sounds lovely!

Spuddy, you are not a failure - you've done brilliantly to persevere through your problems. His weight really doesn't sound like an issue worth getting het up over. Is he still gaining weight but the rate of gain has slowed down? That's pretty normal for a breastfed baby of his age, especially since he sounds so strong and active.
Both of mine have been hard to feed in the day time at that age - too much going on that is distracting. I found going and having a lie down in a dark boring room at lunch time helped encourage both a decent feed and a nap.
My DS1 was a chunky monkey then DS2 was tiny, had all sorts of problems with reflux and fell off the charts completely weight wise. I came under a lot of pressure to wean him early but it made everything much worse - turned out he was intolerant of milk protein and soya. He had a lot of GI symptoms including wind and smelly unpleasant poo. Does your son's poo have mucus in it? (strings of jelly that bridge a fold in the nappy) as this can be a sign of intolerances and the gut being inflammed.
In the end I stopped all food until he was over 6m, weaned him dairy and soya free and he gained weight just fine despite a slow start to solids (didn't eat much until 9m old) It hasn't affected him at all in the long run.
It's very hard when HCPs are making you doubt your decisions, belittling your efforts and implying you are not doing your best for your baby, but they are not always right and often disagree with each other. It sounds like your LO is thriving, just because he is not following a line does not necessarily mean there is a problem. Would you be worried about him if you had not got him weighed?

You should be so proud of yourself! What you are doing is amazing AND successful - would he be able to bounce around like that if you were failing him??? Please try and find a breast feeding group near you. I volunteer with one in the SE, but there are loads on line. A small drop like that, especially when the baby is a healthy weight is not a reason for anyone (inc HV) to panic. I would see how it was in a couple of weeks and then consider a plan of action.
Can you try and swap the day/night thing slowly, offering boob every hour during day?? Easier said than done i know, but I would be so happy for a chance to get things done that I sometimes left mine a bit too long in the day. That would cause me issues at night. Make sure you look after yourself too!

Thanks all - i really appreciate it. My life is so hectic and only having 1.5 hours sleep at a time is wearing me down. I have been diagnosed with MS and had to have an MRI yesterday, i got married last week, we are in the middle of moving to the states. So i think i am feeling overwhelmed. I also have a tendency to believe anyone in the medical profession without going away to question them.

You're doing brilliantly to get this far with breastfeeding. There are so many people who would love to be able to do what you've done but haven't been able to for lots of reasons. Your best is excellent!
I remember having the same doubts as you, caused by increased feeding frequency, shorter feeds, feeling less full in the boob, babies "loosing" weight (actually just not putting on weight at the rate the charts said). Babies are all different and go through growth spurts and increases in activity at different times. Your milk production changes too - the feeling of being less full is normal as the months go on and your body changes.
None of this means you have to stop feeding if you don't want to. It is perfectly possible to feed a baby from one side.

I experienced all the above, kept going, and exclusively breastfed my twins until 6 months (and continue to do so in the evening at 14 months).
Your body is an amazing thing and it is designed to support the life of your son. If you aren't really worried about his weight (he's active and happy) or other issues, relax and enjoy your baby. I wish I had more!