miserable: please help!

[Lisa78]

Sorry to whine but I feel so fed up tonight. My baby is 7 weeks old and gorgeous but I really am miserable about breast feeding him. Admittedly, it wasn't something I was wildly enthusiastic about but I wanted to do it for his sake but although the days of bleeding nipples are (hopefully!) behind me, I still don't enjoy it - it takes such a huge chunk out of the day and I feel so restricted. But now I am getting two weird problems, firstly, he has developed a strange habit of pulling his head back quite suddenly when feeding without letting go so I feel really bruised and tender now. Also, and this is odd, when I feed him, I start to itch especially on my head and face. It gets worse as the day goes on too, so now having fed him I am still itching. I could just sit down and cry tonight, I am utterly fed up of being in pain or uncomfortable. I keep reading about breast feeding and every bloody thing I read says useless stuff like it can be a bit difficult for a few days - ha - and bleating on about how bonded women felt with their babies when they breastfed. I don't feel like that when I feed him, only when I don't! Whats wrong with me???

Lisa, nothing is wrong with you, nothing at all. It takes a lot of getting used too. I am not a medic, but I suspect your itchiness is stress related.

This is the phone number for the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers 020 7813 1481.
They have counsellors who can answer your questions and offer advice (everyone needs advice sometimes so no question will be considered silly, I called them for question about my second baby who had a lot of wind recently and I am an old hand) I'm sure they will be able to help.

Best not go on to the other breastfeeding thread that's active tonight.

At the end of the day, you have given your baby valuable immunities in 7 weeks so even if you decide not to continue you have given him a very good start in life, so be proud.

Thanks but already read it...unfortunately. Why don't I feel like that? Its like another job to be done and I just feel relieved when he finishes feeding at last

I know how you feel Lisa - not the itchiness, but the other bits. My daughter is 9 weeks, and I am still waiting for this to become something more than just about tolerable. It has a least (after the first six horrendous weeks) become simply not enjoyable, as opposed to actively unpleasant, but it really gets me down as I was expecting it to be different.

And I am SO with you on the pulling around - my daughter does this too - she also grabs a handfull of my breast and squeezes and pulls and twists and digs her nails in. Owch.

I am determined that having got so far, and through the really horrible bit, that I will keep going, but I am counting the weeks until I stop. Which is all wrong, really. It feels like wishing her babyhood away.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with you - I just think that some people find it easier than others, and react to their hormones differently. Or if there is something then it is wrong with me too.

Nothing prepares you for the sheer work load involved with babies, it can all feel like drudgery. Mummying is full of work and what I call 'Competitive Mummy Syndrome' ( I get that a lot). I mean comparing every aspect of your kid's delvelopment with their peers and your mummy skills with your friends, and BF is just another one of those things on the list.

Your relationship with your baby is unique and it is clear that you want the best for him. Please give the BF counsellors a call, they won't pressure you to continue if it is really making you miserable, but they may be able to mention something that could make it more comfortable for you both.

So good luck and don't beat yourself up about it.

I don't mean to be nasty, Hollymaiden, but can I say how glad I am you feel like that too!??!! At least if there is something wrong with me, I'm not the only one. I just had some image in mind of how it would be and its not, I feel so uncomfortable all the bloody time and three bra's on, I still don't feel that this one fits right either which is winding me up. Sometimes I can't even get into a comfortable position on the sofa let alone lying down in bed and I agree about the nails, I keep trimming his but it only takes one tiny edge, scratching away at me for an hour...
Why do they pull back like that? It really hurts and I generally get uncomfortable tingles and twinges anyway...

I've spoken to the NCT BF counsellor and she was very supportive but not very constructive really - and I felt like I was wasting her time, though not because of anything she said, just me really. I just don't like doing it and no amount of talking to myself stops me feeling like a total failure because of that. I just wish I could stop BF but I daren't, I keep counting how many weeks I have to go to 4 months - terrible

To start with, you have done a brilliant job b/f'ing when it is not nice for you. It took me a month to get to grips with it, and I put myself under a lot of pressure during that time. Secondly, if it is not good for you, then make your life happier and bottle feed. You don't need us to tell you that...it is your decision, but I would consider it. Ultimately, if you are less stressed, so will your baby be, which can only be a good thing IMO

Well done (not meant patronisingly) on what you have achieved so far. B/f'ing is only part of motherhood, and not something that you HAVE to do. I am sure that you will be a fantastic mother, so don't put yourself under additional stress...babies are enough work as it is!

I got really itchy for a couple of weeks and literally had to get my dh to take him away. I have no idea why and it stopped suddenly.

In terms of the time, it will get quicker and 7 weeks after giving birth you still need to rest several times a day and breastfeeding at least forces you to sit down. As you need less rest the baby gets quicker. Washing bottles aways takes the same amount of time, so you are investing in the future by continuing to bf.

I now frequently give my ds (10 months) a whole feed before my friends have boiled the kettle and warmed the formula. As I am very lazy this is a great thing.

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Lisa78, can I just add another perspective? (And this is only my opinion, I really don't want to argue with anyone about it, thanks) You've done a great job so far and persevered despite having a hard time. You are allowed to give it up you know! It depends on whether you feel you can give yourself permission to do so though. I tried bfeeding with my ds (now aged 6) and failed so went with bottles after 4 days. I know breast is best blar de blar (as one thread title went a while back) but I hated it and so didn't particularly want to do it with dd either (now 3 weeks old) so I didn't. Again, I tried but when it didn't go well I decided to give her bottles. And I promised both times that I wouldn't give myself a hard time about it so I haven't and woe betide anyone else who does since it's MY decision and mine alone (not meaning mumsnetters, meaning interfering people in real life). And she's fine, as is my ds. We're all well and happy. And dp can do the nights too (I know your dp/h could too with ebm, not saying this is a reason for not bfeeding) and I'm happy with my decision. Anyway, persevere if you want to but you are allowed to stop too if it will make you happy. It's such a small part of being a parent and I do think you deserve to be happy too.

could you give yourself some time off by expressing? at 7 weeks your baby should be old enough. I have to say that I've had ups and downs (at 7 months we're now in a toothy down at the moment - debating starting a thread myself) but the convenience as well as the goodness has always kept me going. I wondered when the bonding would happen and suddenly found that I was loving it! We went on holiday when dd was 5 months and it was SO easy not having to cart a load of stuff with us.

Do you have any idea when this pulling off is ging to happen? Could you break the vacuum before that? Also do you have lots of good videos to watch while you're feeding, or could you go to a friends or a mum and baby group so that at least you could have a chat?

Hope it starts getting better

Lisa78 - maybe it is time to switch to bottle feeding - you have successfully managed to breastfeed for 7 weeks - the most important time - maybe you need a break now. I tried to breast feed dd1 and got so stressed out I finally went to bottle. Dd1 was much happier and slept better - I was also MUCH happier! Why put yourself through all this?

Hi Lisa78. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think it's about time to change over to the bottle. I think it would make you feel so much happier - and a happier you makes for a happier baby. I was you with ds - after 8 weeks of sore nipples, screaming baby and stressed out me, I changed over and never looked back. When dd came along, I tried bfeeding again. Same thing and after 10 days had mastitus. Put her on the bottle and had less guilt this time round. Do what YOU want to do - what works for others doesn't mean it will work for you, but you gave it a go. I was bottle fed, and I really don't think I have suffered for it. Good luck.

Lisa....you know it is your choice, and you have several options here. It is ok to continue to bf even if you don't like it. I don't agree that the most important thing is to be happy with your feeding method. We do many things for our children we don't like because we love them and just want to do what's best for them. To tell people what the most important thing is, is to take away their right to choose what feels right for them. So far, it has felt right to you to continue to bf....even though you are fed up!!

The itching needs a medical opinion.

The restriction you feel would not cease with bottles - babies need feeding and it all takes time! All the other stuff (feelling trapped by the baby, feeling that huge sense of responsability as a massive burden)....all that stays.

Counselling, or a good HV, would help you separate out your feelings about bf from your feelings about all the other stuff.

Giving up bf is no help if you then feel unhappy you did so. It will help you to imagine yourself no longer bf, and what you will feel if someone close to you says, 'ah....not breastfeeding? How do you feel about that?'

You don't have to apologise to anyone for formula feeding, and it's no one else's business what you do.

Good luck whatever you decide

Agree with Tiktok here. Another mumsnetter I know absolutely hated breastfeeding (Jasper) and it was not until she B/F no.3 that it started to become enjoyable. She doesn't regret stopping the first twice. Hopefully she'll pick up on this thread and perhaps give a helpful perspective.

I found bfeeding very difficult with ds1 at the beginning. I used to dread feeds, and would have to hold dh's hand while he latched on (trying not to scream). Then suddenly overnight at about 8 weeks it became easy- and I mean easy - after being vile!

The sitting down thing didn't worry me with ds1 as I just slobbed, drank tea, read the paper, phoned friends. It was a pain with ds2 though.

I get the itchiness thing sometimes as well, was sitting reading this scratching and feeding ds2.

I didn't feel bonded etc until breastfeeding was pleasant, then it did become nice but not before. Good luck with whatever you decide to do....

I too felt uncomfortable breast feeding at the beginning of feeding my ds2. I had bottle fed my ds1 and felt really inadequate about my milk and my ability to breast feed 'properly'. I nearly gave up loads of times. I couldn't really believe it would feel ok once i became more established with it. After about 4 months i realised that i was enjoying it! It was a lot more difficult at the beginning but much more convenient after about 4 months as compared to bottlefeeding. It helped to talk to others who were breastfeeding, for reassurance, or those that had done it in the past.Have you been to any local mmother and baby groups where you could talk to other mothers?
At the end of the day it's up to you and how you feel though. Whatever you decide now, you've already given your baby a good start in life.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.
As tiktok suggests, its how I'll feel once I give up, I am really REALLY worried about allergies etc and in particular, the risk of cot death. I think most of it is I am frightened that I will blame myself for any health issues he has, if I stop breast feeding, which no doubt makes me feel resentful too
Its supposed to be the most natural thing in the world but its uncomfortable at best and on days like today, painful
I've no idea when he is going to pull, he just suddenly does, sometimes pulls and twists too

Could you somehow hold the back of his head, so that he can't pull back off you suddenly? This sounds strangely familiar... I think DD did it to me, too. If you hold the back of their head, you can prevent sudden pulling off, and get a finger in their mouth to get them off properly without hurting you.

I strongly suspect the itching thing is hormonal; I don't know the answer but maybe a breast-feeding compatible anti-histamine would help? Does anyone have a copy of Hales, I think the Piriton brand would be ok while br'feeding, but the Hales book would say for sure. Otherwise, you aren't putting anything like a moisturiser on your breasts, are you? Just thought I should ask the obvious! It's possible you're building up a bit of a milky residue (from slow leaking) which might irritate some skin, too. Does it help if you gently sponge clean your chest area with water after feeds?

I hope you find a way to continue breastfeeding; good luck, whatever happens!

Its not just my breasts that itch - infact they hardly itch at all, its my whole body, especially my face. I think I am going mad
My breasts just feel bruised but I don't think these bras fit properly either - I'm fed up of buying bras, these ones feel too restrictive (the last lot moved with me and rubbed my skin)so I am really conscious of them all the time. Nul points to mothercare fitters at the moment

All that pulling back would make my boobs feel bruised, too! This site talks about contact dermititus causing itching... says that a topical cortisone cream would be safe while br'feeding... might be worth asking your GP for a ref to a dermatologist?

I wondered if you might be getting dry skin, too, I mean, br'feeding can be very dehydrating! I still think the hormones are probably provoking the itching, somehow.

Is it Mothercare bras you have used? Read how to measure your own bra-size , but must admit the recommended size is always too tight to be comfortable for me (gives me stomach & back aches). I have to go one size up in the number and one size down in the cup from what I'm "supposed" to wear, to feel comfy.

Have had a measure and I don't measure ANY of the sizes I have bought... AAARGH! One more thing on my list of things I am rubbish at!
Am off back to mothercare tomorrow determined not to leave until I find an assistant who is as determined as me to find a comfy bra, might help.
Having PN check on Wednesday so will ask about the itching, maybe they can prescribe something that will help
In the meantime, anyone any advice on how to speed up healing of bruised boobs?

Sorry, nothing but time for the boobs...
What about going to an ordinary bra-shop, or a good dept. store, to get fitted? M&S, Debenhams, maybe? Or Go to an expensive lingerie shop, get sized up, then say, "Oh, do you have any nursing bras?" They'll say no -- but at least you have a chance at getting reliable opinions. And then don't bother with Mothercare, but maybe try a different make? If you use the "Search Board" facility above and search for bras and "Look in" "Subject lines" you'll find specific recommendations. Some makes, like Bravado, are generally very popular don't seem to particularly suit larger busts, for instance.

Out of curiously, what size do you reckon you are & what sizes have they been selling you?

I've had a 40E, 38D and 36E. I just measured myself as a 38E - I don't feel anywhere near an E cup though, I was always a nice neat 34B before I was pregnant and only went up to a 36D whilst I was pregnant. I've got the 36E on at the moment and it feels too tight around me and its irritating because I have it on the loosest fastening and the seam rubs - I always have bras on the tightest or middle fastening cos of this. It also feels like its squashing my boobs, which suggests an E is too small but when I wear the 40E, the cup has folds in it cos its too big...
Is it Rigby and Peller the Queen goes to for hand made bra's? Maybe I should try that?!
DS due for feed in next half hour or so - dreading it but at least its on the slightly less sore side, then he can have his formula last thing, so I am free till about 2am. I give him one formula a day and try to hang on till the latest feed so I have something to look forward to, how bad is that? WISH I was one of these mums who love breastfeeding

Oh yes SFZ, never had a woman enquire about my boobs before! Novel experience
Seriously, thanks for taking the time and effort