Feeling a bit sad about my Mum's experience of breastfeeding

[MediumOrchid]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this, I just want to sort my thoughts out, I think.

I'm an only child and my Mum tried to breastfeed me (this was nearly 30 years ago). She stayed in hospital for about a week after I was born. She always told me that she had to switch to formula because 'she didn't produce any milk', and I had always accepted that this was the case. It's only now that I'm pregnant myself I've read a lot about breastfeeding and asked her more about her experience. She was advised to switch to formula by the midwives as I had lost weight - this was on the 3rd day after giving birth. She then had to stay in hospital for longer than usual until I had regained the weight.

Now, having read up on breastfeeding I understand it's not unusual for milk to take 5 days to come in. Also, babies often lose weight in the first few days, and will regain it later. They will be getting colostrum during this time (which my Mum didn't know about). Of course, I don't know how much weight I lost, and I was a small baby to start with (5lb something), so a formula top up might have been entirely appropriate. But it didn't need to mean the end of breastfeeding.

I absolutely don't blame my Mum for formula feeding, and it's not as if I have any health problems I could attribute to it - I'm very healthy. I think she was let down by the health professionals. She describes the midwives as being very supportive, but ultimately they don't seem to have had the correct knowledge to support her successfully. I'm also not saying that I'm sure my Mum could have breastfed, but having tried for only 3 days we'll never know.

Now I haven't had my baby yet so have no first hand experience, but I am determined to breastfeed and expect that there will be support available for me to do so. If I succeed I hope my Mum doesn't feel bad watching me feed my baby, knowing that it might well have been possible for her to as well if she'd had similar support. I just feel sad that she missed out on that experience.

As I said, no real reason for this post, but does anyone have any thoughts about the changing attitudes towards and knowledge about breastfeeding since they were babies, or had a mother in a similar position, or been in the same position themselves?

Similar here, only mum was inhospital 30 miles away from me so bf definitely impossible.
Meant that she was supportive of bf in theory but when I had problems was inclined to think I'd be happier giving up. Luckily I got support elsewhere and by 3 months of seeing her pbgs thriving, became quite the bf evangelist... Probably to great annoyance of her friends with grandchildren!

She only recalled recently that actually I did have some bf, from women in Wales who expressed it and it was taken to London - the hospital refused to use milk from feckless Londoners!

Neither my mother or mil were able to breast feed and I think me breastfeeding my two children did bring up issues for them and they were justifying it and my mil bite the head of my doctor when he commenting on me breastfeeding, was all a bit inappropriate really! I think he was saying it's perfectly natural to breastfeed in public and mil said something about not being in Africa!!! She got used to it! I was determined to breastfeed, particularly after my birth having gone wrong, ended up with emergency cs, but it really wasn't easy, I had cracked nipples and mastitis, but was worth it and is so much more convenient than formula once you get over the initial problems. I loved breastfeeding my babies too.

And also when I was struggling with breastfeeding in the early sleep deprived days and my mother kept going on about how lucky I was to have the support to breastfeed. I had to drive an hour with a newborn to a breastfeeding clinic so really wasn't that easy to access. But then my mother I'd the type to go on about how little help she had, without actually lifting a finger to help when my children were small.

My parents had a "row" as mum tried to say she'd bf my Sis for 6 weeks but had to give up for same reason she didn't bf me (flat nipples, poor latch etc). Dad said "it was about 10 days love" and obviously touched a nerve!!

My granny has gone on and on at me about how she had no support with latch but was made to express for all the other babies in the ward as she had "such big boobs".

OP My MIL had a similar experience to your mum with breastfeeding. In some ways me breastfeeding has been a time for her to reflect and work through issues she experienced with birth and breastfeeding. I think is healing for her.

My mum is dead but my dad said she BF all of us for a year and it was seen as very avant guarde and quite weird...but my MIL told me sadly she couldn't make enough milk after six weeks and another aunty told me the same...I bit my lip as I Knew by then six weeks is a classic growth spurt plus your breasts soften so it might feel like milk supply not enough as baby feeds voraciously at that time...but I didn't say anything. Am still BF 18 mo and not sure how MIL feels about it, we live in different country, but she was very pleased I was BF when DS was an infant. My DH was a bit shocked when he found out it had only gone n for six weeks for him, as he'd always thought he'd been a BF baby...meaning, for the whole first year. Only when my MIL passed on his baby log book she'd kept for him did we find out. It was quite sweet, she had detailed every poo and feed - lots of tins of cheese savoury at three months old! Different times then...

My mother also has some unresolved issues about breastfeeding.

Like me, she tried and ultimately failed to feed her first child (me), but whereas I made another attempt with my second child she (on the advice of midwives, family and friends) put my brother straight onto formula. My brother went onto develop (very minor) asthma and she never forgave herself. She recently admitted that my success with breastfeeding my second child made her feel 100x worse.

It makes me feel very sad for her as she did what she thought was best with the information she had at the time.

I think depending on when you were born, the advice changed for sure. My mum had my sister in 1978 and was not encouraged to breastfeed. When I was born in 1983 things had changed and she breastfed me and in 1986 breastfed my brother too. My sister has breastfed her own baby and I plan to do the same. It's a shame the advice and support weren't there but there's no point in your mum feeling bad about it. I'm sure she will be pleased that you are planning to breastfeed :)

My mum tried to breastfeed with all of us (big family) but didn't manage to keep going as long as she wanted to (though I think she managed a little longer with my youngest sibling).

My older sister began to mix feed after a while, but carried on BF for quite a while.

I'm hoping to exclusively BF for as long as I can (which I'm hoping will measure in years rather than months or weeks). I'm not talking about it much, because I don't know how I'll manage or how they'll be about it. They are of the 'yes, breast is best BUT sometimes it doesn't work out' persuassion, and, of course they are right about that, its just that I believe with the right support that the numbers of women for whom it 'just doesn't work out' would be tiny.

Mum for instance said that some people just don't produce enough milk (referring to her own experience, and to my sister who began to mix feed because her baby wasn't putting on enough weight and looked thin) whilst others produce loads (a friends baby is exclusively breast fed and is a big baby who is nicely plump). I just nodded, I didn't want to get into a big discussion about how its possible to increase production by feeding more often etc, partly because I don't know if she already knows that and it maybe still didn't work for her, and I didn't want to appear to be a know-it-all when I haven't tried it myself yet.

However, if I am having trouble and I get comments about how it might be better to give up, I might lend the commenter my books on breastfeeding and say I'll listen to their advice once they have and still not follow it I get that me and baby have to learn to do this thing, and it might be difficult, but we're going to do it, even if we have to express or use top ups briefly. mainly because I'm too lazy to do bottles forever

Like I said, we haven't talked about it much yet, it only came up because my little sister (not the one with a baby) asked if I needed to buy bottles (amongst other baby things). And I said that we would only buy them after the baby is born if we need them because the shops are always open, emergency formula is available at mum's (for when she babysits DN) and that we hoped we wouldn't need it.

I was the first woman in my immediate family to breastfeed since literally the 1930s, but its just accepted without comment. In a way things have been tougher with the MIL, who seems to have been blessed with effortless breastfeeding and babies who slept through really early. She and FIL were a bit judgey when I struggled and considered bottle-feeding, because to them it was 'easy'.

Just wanted to add that my family seem to be completely angst-free about breastfeeding / not breastfeeding, which is nice.

my mother fed me for 18 months which was unusual for the times i guess. but she was lucky as i thrived on a schedule of every four hours. if she'd had my first who was early and tiny and needed constant feeding early on she may have been dissuaded.

she's easygoing about my feeding first til three thru pregnancy and this current one to be honest, it's just accepted fact and hardly commented on. mil on other hand, who ff, is utterly bamboozled, impressed and weirdly fascinated by it all.

Both DM and MIL attempted BFing and both were told within days that they didn't produce enough milk. DM knows and understands that probably wasn't the case, ad if she had the right support things would have gone better.
MIL has put pressure on me to give DS a bottle, especially when he hit 4month and was feeding v regularly day and night, stating that I wasn't producing enough, and he also needed solids. I did explain BF many times, and now she grasps that side of it. She did look appalled when I told her I would BF til DS is 1, as she thinks you only do it til 6month, but I pointed out that you don't stop giving babie formula at 6 month do why would BF be different?
I think it's sad that so many of my mothers generation is didnt get the right support an advice to enable them to make a success I BF

Interesting posts from everyone - Napdamnyou, like you did I think there are times when biting my lip will be the best - there's nothing can be done now so I don't need to keep going on about things with Mum - I don't want to make her feel bad.

It is interesting how the cultural attitudes towards breastfeeding have changed in our lifetime, but I think they have a way to go yet. I'm currently reading the Politics of Breastfeeding, very interesting to learn about the misconceptions that exist about breastfeeding and how formula companies have profited from them!

like skibummum my grandma always used to tell us about being milked 'like a cow' (and referred to as one by the midwives! ) for the other babies on the ward when she had her first. She was v religious and quite prudish about anything biological & did NOT like breastfeeding either so it must have been hell for her...

I do feel terribly sorry for my mum - she was encouraged to breastfeed but was on the ye olde every 4hrs and 10mins per side system, and although she breastfed me until 6mo it wasnt easy, she had terrible engorgement and mastitis (of course, with advice like that!). She also had a shit of a husband to deal with and PND :( whereas I've been the opposite - loving hubby, effortless breastfeeding and so on. Almost feel guilty to 'flaunt' it in front of her, I think she thought it was a dead cert I'd get pnd and mastitis and was prepared for it...she seems a bit in awe of me though, not bitter thankfully!

I was born in 1984, siblings born in 90s and mum didn't bf any of us. When I had DS in 2010 I bf him for 11 months and mum was fascinated by it, but also a bit confused about feeding on demand etc. In fact, she says that I was the first woman she'd ever seen breastfeeding, and this was when she was 49 years of age. I do think the lack of seeing it makes many women consider it as alien.

However, I was talking to a new friend recently. Her DD is a year older than my DS. She told me she "couldn't bf her DD" as she was born weighing +9lbs and that the HCPs went along with this idea. Now, I'm not an expert, but I don't think this is medically sound... Shows how bad advice is still floating around.

My mum BF me for 8 months, 5 of that was mix feeding. She gave up when I started getting teeth I think. In the UK this is better than most mothers do, but this was in a county where 2/3 of children are BF till at least 2, so it was unusual there.
My MIL on the other hand, in the UK, BF all of her 3 children born in the 80s, till nearly 2, so that again was unusual in the UK! She was a midwife and evangelical about BFing. But even she gave me crappy advice when DS was born and couldn't latch on. Ended up not BF him, exclusively expressed for him instead.

Mine bfed me until she had to have a gallstone op when I was 3 months old, then ff my two sisters who were born two and four years later, all in the 60s. With next sister, she was told she couldn't as she had hyperemesis all through her pregnancy and ended up weighing less than at her first prenatal visit; DSis had horrible exczema and developed asthma very early. Next sister was also ff as mum accepted doctors' advice. Both of my DSis's were fed goat milk formula as that was all they could keep down. Mum remembers a thin, curdling, watery, horrible appearance to it and says she felt terrible feeding it to them...

I feel that the advice she received had nothing to do with health and all to do with prejudice against women doing anything autonomous or empowering with their own bodies -- I think the medical establishment back then believed that women's bodies were for their husbands, and for nobody else.

The doctor mum went to used to pinch her 'to assess weight gain' ; excessive weight gain was frowned upon and clearly the doctor felt entitled to touch her inappropriately. God forbid that a woman would gain enough weight to be able to breastfeed it was all about restoring her to attractiveness in the eyes of her husband back then, and also allowing her to quickly return to her domestic duties while the babies slept for their four hour naps between feeds. It's hard to get much done in a day when you are breastfeeding almost constantly. None of that faffing around and handling or holding the baby too much with formula feeding. The prejudice against 'spoiling' babies by paying too much attention to them was in full force back then too quite a lot was imposed on women and babies in order to soothe the fragile male ego. Mum had granny telling her the opposite of what the doctors were telling her, luckily.

I know that my mum has a feeling that she was not given a chance but back then women didn't argue with doctors, or complain about being pinched -- and even now she rejects suggestions that the doctor should have been stricken from the register for that. She was very supportive of me when I had the DCs and breastfed them for years.

My mum was pretty evangelical about 'breast being best' before my first so presumed she had bf me and my brother but was not the case... My brother (older) got about a week and i got about a month but this was back in the 70s when ff was very much the norm. Still not sure what brought it on as she seems to think everything else she did with us is the way it's done and i need a lecture about it

MIL on the other hand didn't bf either of her boys, not even once, and is now fascinated by the whole process - seems to be a common thing from previous posts.

Hopefully bf rates will steadily increase as more mothers do it but i do think the same misconceptions will be passed down to the next generation - i have many friends who firmly believe they didn't produce enough milk so had to ff which i am sure they will tell their DDs who may be unaware how unlikely or rare that actually is and follow the pattern... Mind you, education is key and is improving all the time so could well be (and hoping i am) off the mark here!

My Das was bf until he was 2, I have always admired my Nana for that, unfortunately she died 6 years ago and I didn't ever discuss it with her.

My Mum bf my brother and me for about 3 months, she says that she didn't have enough milk to carry on. As the advice at the time (early 1980's) was to feed for 10 minutes each side every 4 hours, I am not surprised.

'Dad' not 'Das!'

I was FF and my husband BF along with soya milk as MIL is vegan.

I have been pleasantly surprised that my mother has been fascinated and pleased that I am EBF. She keeps going on about how nice it must be for DD to be BF and seems to know about the health benefits of it.

MIL is the complete opposite of my DM and really is a complete lentil weaving type and has been very pleased that I am EBF. She supplemented DH with soya milk as she "didn't have enough milk". From conversations I've had with her, it would appear that she tried to feed according to schedule as per the advice then and it resulted in a low milk supply.

DH's grandmother, therefore DD's great-grandmother (who is over 100!) also BF according to schedule and when I said that the advice now is that you feed on demand whether BF or FF, she said: oh that makes sense. I'm sure babies know their tummies much better than we do. :)

My DS nearly 5 was born 4lb 2oz and when I told one midwife I wanted to breastfeed she laughed at me and said 'you wont be able to he needs to put on weight straight away love because he's so small.

I tried for 6 weeks but he just wasn't interested in the breast and would only take the bottle

My mum tried and failed to BF me in 1969. She puts it down to mismanagement of the hospital as I was reluctant to latch on they just made the decision to put me on formula rather than help her feed. I know this still goes on as my friend told me the same story of her recent experience in Liverpool. She didn't even bother trying with DD2 as her confidence was undermined. Anyway I have been healthy so far apart from always having been slightly overweight and prone to a bit of depression which I wonder is connected- I guess there's no way of knowing really.

I think it can still happen today. My milk didn't come in til day 7, but DD lost too much weight and had to be bottle fed before then. No problem with latch - just supply.

I had never heard of milk coming in late, and I didn't get engorged either. Just not much milk. It happens.