Anyone else a failed BFer?

[Figgygal]

When I was pg I put on 3 stone in this time my breasts didn't grow 1 bit, when my milk came they still didnt change, didn't hurt, get hot, feel full none of the usual signs. I wanted to bf but after 5 days DS had lost 12% and we ended up back in hospital which started a 2 hrly regime of bf, express, formula top ups In the hope we could reduce the formula over time once supply came up. I did skin to skin, had latch checked, saw bf counsellor, took fenugreek, fed on demand and despite this his top ups got bigger and I never managed to express an oz even with a medela swing electric pump. I think the decision to give up was harder than the decision to bf in the first place but when we got to 7 weeks and he was clearly a ff baby with bf top ups rather than the other way round and started refusing to latch we called it a day. again I had no pain once stopped suggesting it just wasn't happening.

He is thriving and formula is working for us but it will always come back to not being what I wanted for him. Based on the lack of boob changes I suspect nothing I could have done would have made a diff but so many times I read your body will make enough, only a tiny % of women can't do it so why couldn't I!!

The local baby group is followed by the bf group and it all seemed very insensitive when the bf mothers could stay on and carry on socialising/conversations and us formula feeders were ushered out, no longer welcome. Irrational
I know

I'm sure there are others out there like me would love to hear your stories too.

I had all the good stuff, leaky huge boobs and when ds arrived they were there ready for the taking, but it was like someone peppered then while we wernt looking, he absolutely refused to latch on, the bf counsellors tried to help but little man just was not having it. After a few days it became clear he was quite poorly and had developed an infection, we never found out why, but he needed to be fed regularly, so I expressed and bottle fed him the expressed milk, I found that hard to keep up when I got home, and after him having a bottle in the hospital I could not get him to latch on at all, I made the very sad decision to ff him. He is 2 now, and I have no regrets as I know we tried, it just was not happening for us.

Yup. Loud and proud. If it doesn't work, then the baby has to eat. And hey presto, the baby eats! And thrives!
Don't feel the need to explain. Doesn't mean you don't want everything and anything for your child. Doesn't make you the lesser parent.
We are all different, and I don't imagine your baby is going to hold it against you in years to come.
We just do the best we can.
Stay well away from the superiority brigade

Please don't use the word failed. It sounds so negative. Sometimes things don't work out. Any amount of Colostrum or breastmilk counts!

Me too :(

Had an emergency section and a haemorrhage which saw me lose a huge amount of blood.

My milk just never came in. It was only months later a HV told me that can happen sometimes after losing a lot of blood.

I still feel bad about it and dd is 3 this year. I missed that feeling of closeness. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with bottle feeding but for me it just wasn't the same.

At the end of the day he chose a more efficient delivery method it's taken a whole to get used to it and now he's almost 5 months ( and already 20lbs on the 98th centile) I do still miss it.

I guess what I don't understand is that if so little women supposedly genuinely can't do it why does it seem (to me anyway) to actually be very common? Even my gp said mine was a common tail is it because if people realised it may fail (not to mention be hard work) even less people would even try?

Absolutely, I expressed colostrum (in eye watering minute quantities) to my premature DS in ICU.
You do what you can. That's the point. What anyone else thinks is inconsequential. The whole BF movement is valid and wonderful and absolutely a great idea, but for lovely mums who want to and can't, it can be incredibly harsh.

I had bad starts to bf-ing both dcs. It was really hard, but ended up feeding both for over a year each. You put in much much more effort than I did for either. If it didn't happen, it was NOT because of your lack of persistence! Please don't beat yourself up over it.

If we lived in a less advanced age, I wouldn't have survived dc1s birth. No one suggests to me that I shouldn't have accepted help!

Enjoy your well-fed little ds!

Failed with DD (she wouldn't latch on but managed to express for six horrible weeks) and beat myself up for four years until the arrival of the human hoover that was DS1 (exclusively bf until 18 months) closely followed by DS2 (mixed fed until 10 months).

Do not think of yourself as a failure Figgygal and all you other posters - you're not. Some babies are just duff at breastfeeding and some aren't. You tried your best and your baby didn't miss a thing, I promise you.

Oh and Memoo - you nearly made me cry when you said "I missed that feeling of closeness". You so didn't, honestly. I know I can say that now but I didn't realise at the time what a strong bond DD and I had which bf couldn't have made closer. Most of the time I was breastfeeding, I was half asleep anyway so all this gazing into their eyes guff is a load of crap!

why feel like a failure when you have tried and through no fault of yours it just didn't work?

I managed to get to 1week by counting down the hours (really didn't want to give bottle before then). Gave up after 3 weeks after i finally admitted to Dh that i really couldn't do it any more.
I don't think we had any physical issues, but i had such bad resentment toward him that it was really hurting. I think that and the guilt for not feeding started my pnd.

Formula hasn't hurt my ds, and this time I'll be alot more relaxed if it doesn't work again.

itwasthepenguins

Such a lot of guff is spoken about bf-ing. Milk is milk. Love is what's special.

Ooh bitbewildered !!! Nail on head.

So sorry. Agree with mince and others, apart from superiority brigade. Your breastfeeding group sounds awful, fairly sure the one I went to had babies who were ff as they got older. I can see the logic in them not being aimed at ff mums but if you stopped bf its a sign their support wasn't good enough!
Your baby is loved and has fantastic parent(s?). He's one of the very lucky ones, bf or ff.

How did you fail? You did everything within your power. That just shows what a fantastic mother you are :)

I always think that it's society that fails mothers, not mothers that fail their children.

I understand what you are feeling. I was so certain in would BF. No bottles, formula in the house etc.

I had a crash section with DC2, 7 weeks ago. BF was a nightmare, it hurt like crazy throughout every feed. MW's told me her latch was good, no tongue tie etc. Eventually parts of my nipple went black and then bits of flesh fell off. I ended up expressing instead, but just could not keep up with expressing/feeding/top-ing up routine.

I was in a hazy fog of feeling dreadful after the birth plus developed a chest infection straight afterwards which knocked me out again. I made the decision to stop BF. However, I regret it so much now that I am feeling better again.

I understand the guilt you are feeling. I live in a very pro-BF area and can feel the judgement out and about when FF'ing DD. I find myself telling random people what happened as I want people to know that I tried so hard etc and it was not the case that I could not be arsed. I am completely out of the circle of mothers at the toddler group I go to because of the FF.

BF failure was the catalyst for PND with DC1 and I think I am going down the same path this time round.

:( :( Midnight

I wonder if your sensitivity to this whole thing is making you feel judgment where none exists? You are so disappointed and hurt, and borderline depressed, too, you may be picking up on people's own sensitivity to your feelings of sadness and thinking they are actually judging you....and they're not.

The word 'failure' should be banned when it comes to baby feeding! Breastfeeding is a lovely thing to do with and for your baby but it is not the only way of mothering - and the closeness, responsiveness and spontaneity that comes more easily with bf (when it's going well) can be recreated with the bottle, and ff mothers can do the skin-to-skin thing and latch their babies on, too, whether or not the baby is actually getting milk at the same time.

My experience is that mothers don't judge other mothers for not bf - unless they have lived on the moon, they know that bf has many challenges that can rule it out for some mothers, and that self-blame and self-recrimination are totally unjustified. Reach out and share your story and your feelings with the mothers you feel are judging and leaving you out, and you might find warmth and astonishment that they would judge you.

I totally agree that I am overtly sensitive about the subject, and probably am over thinking what peoples reactions are on the whole. However, I have had a few comments such as, "Oh, I'm surprised that you would be FF'ing" and "Did you not try doing x/y/z to help feeding..".

I know that these women are in the minority, but it's just so hard when you are surrounded by people for whom BF just seems so natural, they are sitting there chatting/laughing/playing with their toddler whilst the baby is latched on. All the while I am there, embarrassed, tearful with a bottle of bloddy formula.

Those comments are not judging you, Midnight - chances are the people who make them just don't have the insight to understand they are being hurtful.

Yes, it is uncomfortable to be in a room with others who seem happy and comfortable - really uncomfortable. You have a ticket for the breastfeeding bus in your pocket still - the bus they are on. But somehow you are on the formula feeding bus, and you didnt want to be. You want to show them you have the ticket still - but it still doesn't get you on the bus.

(ancient analogy I invented in 2007 :) ) : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/274983-omg-you-d-think-i-was-feeding-my-3-week?#5504964

None of this means you are a failure; none of this means they are judging you.

You don't deserve to feel embarrassed or tearful - being sad is understandable and you will feel less sad as time goes on, and accept that you are loving your baby just as much as anyone else and it's that which is the important thing.

I have read the bus thread many times tiktok, it totally represents how I feel and what I am going through right now.

Thank you for your insight, it's helpful.

I know that ultimately that's is up to me to stop the guilty feeling - but I suppose deep down I feel that if I give myself that permission then I am totally off that bus!

Aha - that's a great insight, Midnight....hanging on to the guilt means throwing away the ticket, and you'd rather have the ticket at the moment :)

OK - think about it being a rational choice - you choose to keep the ticket in your pocket, and the emotional price you are paying for that is to feel guilty about formula feeding. Ultimately, that's what you prefer. But you can change this.

So first step is to re-label the feeling. You don't have to feel 'guilty'. None of this is your fault, you have not done anything wrong or neglectful etc - start by acknowledging these feelings as 'sadness' and 'regret' and quit blaming yourself.

If anyone asks you about feeding, even in your head and not reality, you can say with head held high, 'yes, I am formula feeding - I'm a bit sad about it, to be honest, so if it's ok, could we talk about something else?' and smile, 'cos this asking-person does not want to make you feel horrible. You can practise this in private :)

That keeps the breastfeeding ticket in your pocket, where you like it, but the feeling associated with it is not quite so crappy. The head-held-high thing will empower you, and you will feel stronger and more confident....even if a tiny bit of you always feels sad (and no one gets through parenthood without remaining a bit sad about something. There's no need for sadness about formula to trump all the other potential sadnesses.....)

What do you think?

There are so many different things that we as new mothers can feel like we've failed at. Personally I feel a deep sense of failure at not being able to deliver ds naturally, instead needing an emcs- I think about it all the time. I suppose a mother's role is to always do the best she can for her child, but we just have to accept that the best we can do at any time is really what's best for our children. Perfection just doesn't exist when it comes to child-rearing- I'm sure every single mother has something she regrets or feels guilty about.

Yes, yes and yes to the last few posts. It's unfair to tar FF mothers with a 'failure' brush (whether they self-impose it or not) and unfair to tar BF mothers with the 'superiority brigade' brush.

I still BF my 8mo DS, and am vehemently pro-BF, but it was abso-fcking-lutely AWFUL for 3 months, really sht... And it's only from having had that experience I can say with absolute clarity, I'll NEVER judge another mother for the way she feeds her baby, and I would heartily dislike being lumped in with anyone that does.

It's oft said 'a mother's place is in the wrong', but we're doing that to ourselves I think. We should be more together in appreciating we're all just muddling through, making it up as we go along! Mothering instinct has given way to doubting every little thing we do, and that's so sad when our babies are thriving and learning and enjoying life.

I didn't breastfeed my first child out of sheer ignorance. I lived in a country that didn't particularly support breastfeeding and where commercials regarding the benefits of formula abounded. I convinced myself that what my body produced could not be as good or nutritionally balanced as something in a box and is decided not to do it.

Me too. I was so determined to bf dd1. She just didn't get enough from me. Each feed would take up to two hours and half an hour later age was crying again and would polish off a 4oz bottle. I went to bf clinic, who saw nothing that I was doing wrong or her latch, undid all the skin to skin I expressed we took baths together to help bonding I followed advice to the letter. It just didn't work. I was sore bleeding and it was pure agony and I felt awful giving formula at first but seeing the difference so quickly I wish I had dome it sooner. IMO as long as the baby gets fed appropriate milk them who cares if it comes from mummy or a carton or in powder form. A happy mummy means a happy baby. I was no use to her glued to the soda feeding or expressing and resenting every feed due to the pain. When dd2 cane along I decided to ff from start and it was a good job I did as I spotted strait away something wasn't right and suspected a milk intolerance and I'm nit sure I'd have figured it out if is have been bf. As it happened I doubt it would have worked anyway. She had a very week suck and was very sleepy. Do I feel guilty? Not any more. They r happy and healthy and they got fed x :) .

Agreed ladies i shouldn't use the word failure we were just unsuccessful.