Anyone else a failed BFer?

[Figgygal]

When I was pg I put on 3 stone in this time my breasts didn't grow 1 bit, when my milk came they still didnt change, didn't hurt, get hot, feel full none of the usual signs. I wanted to bf but after 5 days DS had lost 12% and we ended up back in hospital which started a 2 hrly regime of bf, express, formula top ups In the hope we could reduce the formula over time once supply came up. I did skin to skin, had latch checked, saw bf counsellor, took fenugreek, fed on demand and despite this his top ups got bigger and I never managed to express an oz even with a medela swing electric pump. I think the decision to give up was harder than the decision to bf in the first place but when we got to 7 weeks and he was clearly a ff baby with bf top ups rather than the other way round and started refusing to latch we called it a day. again I had no pain once stopped suggesting it just wasn't happening.

He is thriving and formula is working for us but it will always come back to not being what I wanted for him. Based on the lack of boob changes I suspect nothing I could have done would have made a diff but so many times I read your body will make enough, only a tiny % of women can't do it so why couldn't I!!

The local baby group is followed by the bf group and it all seemed very insensitive when the bf mothers could stay on and carry on socialising/conversations and us formula feeders were ushered out, no longer welcome. Irrational
I know

I'm sure there are others out there like me would love to hear your stories too.

Tiktok you are so wise.

I need to keep hold of that ticket, you are so right but yes, I also need to let go of the destructive emotions that go with it.

I think that by acknowledging the sadness that it brings, to myself as well as others, will be the first step in trying to accept the situation.

Having thought about this, I think the overwhelming sadness come from the fact that once you have stopped, barring re-lactation, there is nothing you can do to bring it back. It's like you have this one chance, and then it's gone.

The more I think of it, it's like you need to grieve for the loss of the BF relationship you wanted but never had.

Hope I am not sounding too bonkers.

I still feel guilty to a small extent, because i think, maybe his speech would be better, maybe he'd cuddle me more etc. He's 22months. I will try again feeding with dc2, but i really won't be so bothered about it, and will aim for getting through 2 weeks instead of 6months.
I really wish there wasn't so much promotion of how bf is better, it doesn't hurt, is easy etc. I accept that there are health benefits, but i really don't think it's enough to warrant the nastyness toward formula.

X

Midnight, you said it - for you (and for some others) the feelings are grief and a profound sense of loss.

These are real feelings - some mothers are sanguine about not breastfeeding, and shrug and get on with formula feeding; others were not that fussed in the first place; some are grieving.

I think it's mistaken to insist (as some do) that these feelings spring from breastfeeding campaigns, or that the feelings indicate criticism of formula or formula feeding, and people wouldn't feel so bad if we all just STFU about breastfeeding.

That insistence misses the point. For some women, breastfeeding is a deep part of their identity as mothers and is bound up with their self-worth. It doesn't come from a poster or a leaflet, or a breastfeeding class, or a midwife's comment.

Healing comes with time, and understanding of the feelings, plus a sense of perspective, and sometimes, when the next baby is breastfed and it works.

penguins, the nastiest things I have read about formula come from formula feeding mothers still feeling defensive....the ones who repeat things like 'formula is not poison, you know' and 'formula fed babies don't grow up to be obese thickos' and 'formula feeding mothers are not evil' :)

Go figure :)

Agree it's not the campaigns...these feelings come from deep inside me.

I'm not annoyed with any breastfeeding campaigns or info out there. More annoyed by the lack of support and good advice for women like me.

midnight please, please don't feel like a failure.

I too live in a very woo pro breastfeeding area and did breastfeed my DD until she self weaned at 11 months. But, but, but I NEVER judged anyone who fed differently and nor did anyone I know.

As mums we spend the whole time wracked with guilt and we all understand the choices are not always ours to make.

I'd be horrified if anyone who saw me bfing DD thought I was judging them.

Funnily enough, the only time I've ever felt judged was the last few mo ths of feeding her, when all of my friends had gone on to formula. It was like I was proving a point or something (I wasn't, she is small for her age, and it was on a dietitian's advice)

So I guess my point is...we all feel like we are being judged, even when we are not. It's just normal mothers guilt.

You love your baby, and you do what you can for them to the best of your ability.

What on earth is there to feel guilty about that.

I'd advice you to assume empathy, rather than judgement (because that really is the reality, despite the worst bits of mumsnet sometimes) and it makes everything make a lot more sense.

Chin up, and good luck.

I failed and it was awful. I had PND, I beat myself up about it, I went loopy over it.

I agree Tiktok, it was all about how I saw myself as a mother. The breast is best stuff wasn't at fault, it was my feelings and inability to see clearly in the post natal haze.

I still bang on about it 18 months later but I've come to understand why I failed, work out the reasons and come up with an action plan for when my DC2 is born in Sept.
I've also made myself a promise not to be so upset if I fail again.

Midnight - I remember you from the thread about being desperate to get The baby out with fuckity. My DD2 was born 20th March and I bf'ed albeit with the bleeding nipples and mastitis for two weeks, she was feeding up to twenty times a day and doing up to 20 poos a day, I was told this was 'normal'. Then I got the phonecall everyone dreads and found out she has got cystic fibrosis from her heel prick test. Like being smashed repeatedly in the face with a brick. I persevered with the boob feeding for another fortnight, one midwife even told me to imagine that breast milk was part of the umpteen medications she has to take every few hours. Nonsense.

Now, she is 8 weeks old totally formula fed, she is growing, she is happy despite all her problems. I think what I'm trying to say is that it just doesn't matter! You have a healthy child, which is a truly wonderful blessing. I feel so sad that women are made to feel like crap for not Breastfeeding. It doesn't make you a second class citizen!

I really hope you don't think I'm belittling how you feel or telling you to pull your socks up or some other twaddle, I know how you feel as i didnt bf dd1 for much the same reasons as you aren't, i beat myself up about it for years and now have realised what a total waste of time that was, babies thrive on love, love and more love. If only I could turn the clock back I wouldn't be so harsh on myself then, please don't beat yourself up. It's just not worth it.

I hope I've made sense.

Recently I read the following on the Best Beginnings website...

"Support is out there for mothers through the NHS, the National Breastfeeding helpline and through a number of charities, all members of the Breastfeeding Manifesto Coalition, doing excellent work in groups, on the phone and in one-to-one sessions. This help is available antenatally and from day one post-delivery. No one needs to wait days or weeks to access evidence-based support."

HA. Sounds like what I was told, but this is not at all the case in London... posted around the time my baby was born, the truth is, no one answers those helplines, the NHS doesn't care about breastfeeding and just tells mothers to give their babies formula, and in antenatal classes (NCT and NHS - I did both) no one warns you that there will in effect be no support. Unless you hire a lactation consultant. Because firstly everyone just tells you you're doing fine (for 5 days, in my case, while my baby, who seemed happy and content, lost 10% of birthweight). Then they tell you there is a problem but don't give any help to solve it.

It took me nearly 2 weeks of calling every number (hospital, NCT, national helplines - all straight to voicemail, you can't leave messages when you are crying your eyes out and in pain and can hardly speak) and getting no answers, midwives, nurses and doctors telling me all kinds of old wives tales ('you can't cup feed a healthy full term baby', 'you have to drink milk to make milk', 'your baby is latched on fine, you just don't have enough milk' - when my nipples were bleeding and the only reason to say I didn't have milk was because I couldn't express 60ml after every feed by hand following the instructions in the NHS leaflet, baby was only 5 days old and I had mastitis). Also the support groups don't always run when you need them (eg. out of term time). In my GP surgery there were leaflets from Cow&Gate.

I doubt things are any better now. I cried every day for over 3 months over how betrayed I was - why didn't somebody warn me it was this impossible to get help? - and have been crying again now just remembering no one cares because hey, babies don't die of formula in this country so get over it.

And just because I couldn't breastfeed doesn't make it my fault. I failed because no one told me the truth and by the time I got help on day 10 it was too late. I tried everything (pumping, breast compressions, lactation aid, domperidone) but every time I reduced the formula my baby lost weight again.

Reading this thread has lifted a huge weight. My DD was born at 35 weeks and weighed a little over 4lbs. I was determined to bf but she had other ideas and our experience began with a midwife pulling on my umbilical cord (which later snapped resulting in a manual removal of my placenta) whilst another frantically 'milked me' for a droplet of colostrum which was then syringe fed to DD. Things then went from bad to worse and she was tube fed for three days whilst I frantically (and pointlessly) expressed. When my milk did come in DD could not latch on and I spent weeks visiting lactation consultants and bf groups whilst expressing. I got so depressed, convinced that I had already failed her by not keeping her in till term and that I HAD to bf. We didn't bond. I felt sick at every feed. I ignored my DM and DH who tried to convince me to stop. Then she developed suspected meningitis and we were rushed to A&E. Whilst it was found that she didn't have meningitis it turned out she had breast milk jaundice and I was advised to ff until it had gone and then return to bf. This I did and I went through hell. Then, when she was 10 weeks old I couldn't take it anymore and I finally made peace with my decision to stop. Suddenly she seemed to wake up. She changed colour and I started to enjoy being a mum. I'm now pregnant with DC2 and I've decided not to bf at all this time. I want to bond and I want to enjoy motherhood. BUT I still feel that I have to justify my decision to the raised eyebrows I've encountered. Now, having read this thread, I don't. It's my decision and I'm so pleased to finally see I'm not the only one who feels like a 'failure'. If only I'd been told this 20 months ago! Thank you OP. Thank you so much x

I have a similar tale of being absolutely positive I would bf, no formula in house, NCT the whole shebang.

I'm ff, and I have managed to forgive myself. I tried, it didn't work out. The end. Any feelings of regret I have are for my own missed experience of bf. Milk feeds take up such a small part of a human lifespan, there are millions of things I do for my DS to ensure he is happy, healthy, exercised, rested, stimulated, educated, entertained and thriving. I don't miss all the things about bf that I don't feel I can mention on here or in rl for fear of being attacked by the 'imaginary' bf mafia

I am an ff-er and proud. But I can't talk about it, because it's apparently a political choice. Seriously ladies - be happy that your bodies are your own, your babies have probably settled into good routines, are sleeping well and you can dedicate your time and energy to looking after them! There are many, many positives to bf but there are also many positives to ff. Don't be afraid to recognise them. Even if you'd never dream of talking about them to bf-ers. I cuddle DS all the time, he has milk on demand, he has never been ill in five months, he is a content when not teething and happy little fellow.

Mentally list all the good things about formula feeding. Even if you can't talk about it, feel good about it.

I was pretty close to PND and not bf has kept me a lot saner. I know that if I had bf it would have presented a gazillion more things to worry about. Formula is easy peasy.

I have written before on MN that the only acceptable ff-er on here is a failed bf-er. I would ff the next one and the next. I doubt that's quite so stomachable by pro-bf-ers. I will be judged, and that will be hard. But not as hard as bf.

Someone upthread said a happy mum is a happy baby - YES.

(sorry for waffly post )

can I add myself. I failed to bf dd 5, after she lost weight and had to give formula top ups which spelt the death knell of bf. Wth ds (4mnths), after a rocky start, and ebf and formula top ups, ds never did latch on again, so 4 months later i find myself expressng, and givng formula top ups when i have not expressed enough

Hands up here to bf 'failure'. Had a horrendous experience with DS1 (could bore you all day but I won't - in short: another one with chunks of flesh falling off (still have scars nearly 5 years later), screaming screaming screaming baby, raging fever from infected wounds on breasts, six weeks in a haze of pain and distress). Went to endless bf clinics and medical professionals and not one of them told me to stop - though one said after I had stopped that she wished she'd been 'allowed' to tell me to give it up . What makes me sad is that if I'd stopped earlier and avoided the real depths of misery (not to mention breast scarring), then I think I would have 'succeeded' in bf'ing DS2, who was a different kettle of fish. However, at the very first sign of difficulties five days in (entirely normal difficulties, I think), I was so petrified of the whole thing happening again that I stopped feeding straight away.

I have made my peace with it all now, and realised that, above all, how you feed your baby DOES not and SHOULD not define you as a mother. Ironically, I used to be loosely involved in the national bf marketing campaigns before I had children (and back then I'm sure I was terribly judgey about ff mums). I'm not saying there aren't some advantages of bf (at a statistical level, anyway - I'm less convinced that it makes a signficant difference at the individual level) or that there isn't an argument for promoting bf to mums-to-be who are unmotivated or ill-informed. However, I have come to realise that the unfortunate side effect of these campaigns is that they create a sense of genuine despair and self-loathing among a whole group of women who already wanted to bf but have 'failed' to do so. Yes, bf is great. But ff is absolutely, totally and utterly fine too. Yes, if everything else is completely equal, bf'ing your child might have a small impact on his or her health/IQ etc. But those differences are statistically TINY; the data is not even agreed by all professionals (and almost all of it is WHO not UK-based); and above all - everything else is never, ever equal. There are a million other decisions you will make as a parent (that are more easily controlled) that will make far, far more difference to how your child 'turns out'.

Sorry, I have ranted when I didn't mean to. The main thing that worked for me was getting some perspective. You're still in the bf'ing 'zone' (ie your child is still of an age when you would probably have still been expecting to bf). I found that, once DS1 was over a year old (the age when I originally expected to stop bf'ing), I suddenly increasingly realised that it really, really didn't matter. Once he was two, or three, it all seemed like a distant memory. If you want some more immediate perspective, try noticing stories in the media about how badly some horrendous people treat their children. That may sound gruesome, but things like that helped me to realise just how tiny an issue bf'ing/ff'ing is in the grand scheme of how we raise and treat our children.

So right absolute ! People should be able to choose how they feed without feeling like it matters so much to everyone else how its done. The fact that I also sat there with chunks bitten out of my breasts bleeding and in so much pain just cos ur lead to believe that it's better to breastfeed than admit its not working out. It's great when it clicks for people and I'm sure fir many it's an amazing experience that brings much joy to both mum and baby but in some cases surely a happy thriving ff baby is better than an unsettled baby whis failing to gain weight, nursing constantly and a mum who is constantly in agony. I dont regret trying but I do regret the pressure I put on myself and the misery I must have brought my baby in the time it took me to realize enough was enough. There r so many other things you can do with your baby that has just as much benefit to their health feeding is only one part of parenting. :)

I think perspective is key here too and being being to voice these thoughts to someone other than dh who has heard it all many many times before.........bless him

I am still mid-way through this process & caffeinedrip and RAGE your experiences rang a big bell with me. Feeding for hours without the satisfaction of seeing a happy full-up baby afterwards...and the sinking feeling every time we give her a ff bottle top-up. And pumping milk hurts my nipples more than DD does, which for so little milk produced seems like a huge stress for not much return!

The only difference is that, unlike RAGE I do have great local support - nearest breast feeding cafe is only 10 mins walk away & feel so glad to have it on my doorstep. (I am in London too, but perhaps it varies from borough to borough - and with cuts to SureStart centres I'm aware that the support may not always be there).

I don't regret trying to BF and I intend to keep trying, but the experience has definitely left me battered and very aware that parenting is about SO much more than whether you BF or not.

I used to feel like this very much, not because I gave up breastfeeding but because dd did not thrive; we ended up in hospital, and looking at the photos from that time I can see that it really was getting to the dangerous stage. I felt awful at the time, because I thought it was all about me. Somehow I forgot that the baby was part of the equation.

Having since had to deal with a child who is not always able to walk, is sometimes not able to sit upright, has occasionally been unable to eat, often struggles to breathe, has not been able to attend school for the lst 6 months, and may well not be able to sit more than a fraction of her GCSEs- I'm beginning to see things rather more in proportion. I've realised that not everything is down to me- but if I can hang in there, keep going, make the most of what we get rather than worry about what we didn't get, then that has got to count for something.

OP - do skin to skin, put your baby to your breast if it can happen without a struggle, and just enjoy any sort of closeness you can....the transfer of milk from A to B is not necessary for this :)

Years ago, I wrote a post about buying a ticket for the breastfeeding bus and how it feels when you end up on the bottle feeding bus...read it hear and see if it speaks to you :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/274983-omg-you-d-think-i-was-feeding-my-3-week?#5504964

No milk came in for me at all last time either, huge pph low hg as it was. so ff ds form day 2. This time I hope to combination feed but we will see