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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

An apology to bottle-feeding mums

40 replies

mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 11:09

Before I had DS, I was very pro-BF/anti-FF, and used to see women bottle-feeding their babies, and I judged them. I used to think (and say to DH) 'why do they do it? BF is free, and better for mum and baby'. I think I used to think that the bottle-feeding mums I saw were not as good mothers as breastfeeding mothers.
Well I can't apologise to them, but I can apologise here instead.

I never thought for a second that they might;
Be feeding expressed breast milk
Be giving an occasional formula feed for whatever reason
Have struggled with breastfeeding for emotional/health reasons
Or be perfectly good mothers feeding their babies in whatever way worked best for them, which was none of my business

I'm still pro-BF, and am happy to have fed my DS for 7 months and counting, but feel bad that I used to judge anyone for the way they fed their child.

Sorry!

OP posts:
HettyKett · 09/03/2012 11:14

Amen

vanillacremebrulee · 09/03/2012 11:40

I'm just curious to know what prompted this change of heart? SmileSmile

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 12:00

Having a child, and finding breastfeeding really hard in the early days. I had naively thought that it was just a matter of hold baby to booby and live happily ever after.
Also, just the general perspective-change that comes with having a child, and talking to other mothers. I had very rosy ideas about motherhood, but I now know that you do what works for you, and that other people's opinions can be quite annoying!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/03/2012 12:10

That is great that you have come to that realisation Smile. I did not bf dd now 5 for long as I was ignorant about bf, dd has SN and did not have adequate bf support at the time. FF 5 years I have a 6 week ds but due to a troublesome start (ds bad jaundice and health problems at the time), stated to latch really well, than told by pead that i had to top up or he would be admitted to hospital where he would be given formula there. That spelt the death knell of bf for ds bf from the boob as he has gotten used to the bottle, so have to now express 5 times a day with an electric pump and FF at night when i don't express or when I have not pumped enough. I am very self concious when out that people like you are judging me when I put a bottle to his lips unaware of our history and that that there is in fact expressed milk in there. However it should not make an ounce of difference anyway, the paed told me that as long as the baby is fed, whichever way it does not matter one jot.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 12:20

Wow, expressing 5 times a day! That's hard work.
I have a friend who exclusively expressed for the first 4 weeks, but she couldn't really cope with doing it for any longer, so switched to formula. I think she was sad at first, but then realised that as long as baby is fed somehow, he's ok!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/03/2012 12:39

Yes it is when you have a dd with SN but really want ds to get as much of my milk as possible. Its an electric hospital grade type pump which is great at getting as much milk out as possible. The HV is coming next week to give me some bf support and see if we can get ds back on the boob. Really now just for ease I express and give it to ds in a bottle, and it allows dh or a friend to feed ds whilst i look after dd or when I am out and about. I just would not feel confident bf in public. The weather has been so cold so i have been putting layers on and to undo my coat, than my jumper outside. My SIL expressed for 9 months Shock. I would love to do it as long as i can.

gaelicsheep · 09/03/2012 12:52

Well done OP. I think there is many a successful breastfeeder who still holds the views you admit to holding before becoming a mother. My answer to all those people, whether naive women without children or smug breastfeeders who found it easy, is "do not comment until you have walked a mile in their shoes". I have walked several miles in those very painful shoes and my own views on the breast/bottle debate reflect that.

dreamingbohemian · 09/03/2012 12:59

Thank you Smile

I wanted to BF but my milk never came in. I was more or less fine with that on my own, but the judgment I received from others made me quite depressed about the whole thing.

Fast-forward 2 years and DS is incredibly happy and healthy and I can't believe I got so worked up about it!

I'm glad you've changed your mind, and here's hoping it's contagious.

Mumof1plustwins · 09/03/2012 12:59

Me too, I was very ignorant and just assumed it was latch on and no problems!!
My DTs didn't latch on though and I had to express and top up FF until they were 3/4weeks and then they latched on and I dropped the FF.
It is not as easy as many make out and I know a lot of mums who feel so pressured to BF that when their baby doesn't latch they feel they've failed and cry! Sad

So whilst I am pro BF I do not judge FF as it's non of my business!

Smile
rhibutterfly · 09/03/2012 13:00

i was adamant i was going to breastfeed my DD who is now 6, the first 12 hours after birth were a complete nightmare which ended in a very hungry baby and me in tears, no midwife support to be found as i had trouble getting DD to latch on she even refused to drink expressed colostrum so reverted to bottles. DD2 due in June, as much as i'd love to bf i will give it a go but am not getting stressed out over it again so bottles at the ready

Lemele · 09/03/2012 13:02

What a touching confession OP :)

I'm generally of the opinion that even if you don't agree with someone's apparent choices, one should not assume or judge if you can possibly help it! Hard though it may be and often is.

The point I struggle is when I see mums who can't stop their pub-going lifestyle and drag their babies along night after night, permanently attached to the bottle and so on. I suspect that most of these girls gradually wean off the constant drinking lifestyle, but there are a few people I know who drag out their 3/4/5 year olds out many evenings a week and I just think... poor kids.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 13:02

Yeah, I'm glad DS was a summer baby, so outdoor feeding in the early days was nice and sunny! Don't fancy getting my udders out in the cold weather.

OP posts:
NicolaSeal · 09/03/2012 13:06

That's a nice message to read. I used to kind of feel the same but, now I'm a bottle-feeder, I've learned to understand and mind my own business. Everyone has their own story. I bf my lo for 3 months, but she went on a nursing strike that I've never been able to get her out of. So I've been exclusively expressing for the last 2 months - pumping 8 times each day. So I have expressed milk in my bottles, but do wonder whether I'm being judged sometimes. x

Lemele · 09/03/2012 13:07

Oh, and as a general message of support to everyone, whether breast or bottle feeding, I always remember someone once said to me, "it's not like you can look at a group of adults and say, 'oh yes, that one was breastfed and those were obviously breastfed!' "

Convert · 09/03/2012 13:08

I think that's a lovely thing to post.
I ff because I hated breastfeeding. I fed for 2 weeks with one baby and 5 days with another and I hated every second. It hurt and I felt like a big sore bloated cow with a demanding little thing constantly attatched to me. I didn't like not knowing how much milk they had got and 'cluster feeding' is the work of the devil.
I really quite admire people who go through the difficult bit and carry on with it.

theboobmeister · 09/03/2012 13:10

This is a brilliant thread Smile

We need more of this - we mums are all on the same side and I hate the way people get categorised and labelled according to how they feed their babies.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 13:11

"cluster feeding is the work of the devil"
Yes, yes it is. They don't make it easier for us, do they?!

OP posts:
Convert · 09/03/2012 13:14

The midwife came round on day 3 and I said 'there is something wrong with my baby. He fed last night from 5pm until 11.30pm.Please help me'
She laughed really breezily and said, oh, baby is just cluster feeding. Its fine.
I very nearly launched her across the room.

Lemele · 09/03/2012 13:14

What on earth is 'cluster feeding'?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 09/03/2012 13:14

I have never understood on MN why it is so important how other people feed their children - I can understand annoyance if someone is suggesting to you personally how to feed your child, but their choice is that and that alone. Sos, yes it is good to see this thread.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 09/03/2012 13:20

cluster feeding is feeding a lot, usually in the evenings.

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 09/03/2012 13:21

I think that most people on Mumsnet who comment on feeding threads are genuinely trying to help. Having experienced difficulties and the inevitable bad advice, and perhaps come out on the other side, they want to avoid others falling victim to the same. So if someone is saying they want to give up for reasons that others know are solvable, then the options will be pointed out. I have done it myself many times. That's not the same as being a busybody or being judgmental.

pigletmania · 09/03/2012 13:21

When i get my boobs out and its cold like during the night, my nipples shrivel up and ds hates it and cant get latched so for ease I give formula at night and bm in the day and evening. I only express 5 times, but touch wood my supply seems ok, might be better if ds fed straight from source though Smile

MooMa42o · 09/03/2012 13:33

Thank you OP I will take that apolgy & store it away for the moments i feel really down & crappy, I tried so desperatly to bf both my babies, again assuming it was something that just happened & every mother should be able to do it, with DD she was bf for 7 weeks but she was not gaining weight & started to loose it, she was being fed every three hours until the day came when she was too jaundiced & the need to go into hospital for heat & light treatment was getting ever so nearer, we decided to bottle feed her & she came through the other side fine, i felt like such a failure however it was what needed to be done for her to get healthy, DS came along & i was even more determined to get it right this time, he is a hungry lil man & just would not latch, it often ended up in both of us in floods of tears, him because he was hungry & me because i was obviuosly a "crappy mummy" i mean really who can't feed their own child!! After 3 hours of sitting there mw milking one boob, electrical pump on the other, me in floods of tears, DS getting more & more jaundice, we decided this is just sill what is really important is that they are healthy & getting nourishment where ever that may come from, i really thought that it was just something that happened easily, but it is not, I still get sad from time to time about it but now realise that it was not my fault, just two of those things. I would like to thank the OP for being so frank & geniune, i for one accept your apology, if that helps :)

BikeRunSki · 09/03/2012 13:39

mrsalways Glad you've seen the light, and it is really about not judging anyone for anything that doesn't affect you,

With DS my milk didn't come in. When he was a week old, we were still in hospital and he had lost 23% of his birth weight. I was sitting in bed crying my eyes out wailing "But breastfeeding is so good for babies...." as the paediatrician came along to take him to SCBU. I bottle fed him from a week old. He is now a robust and strapping lad of 3.

DD (20 weeks) was another emcs (her heart stopped in labour). My milk came in, but like Convert I loathed bf. She fed for 40 mins on/40 mins off. I had a huge reaction to 2 GA (I needed a second operation when DD was 3 days old), loosing 1 L blood and a flu jab in a week and could not control my body temperature. I was either baking hot or shivering. The CS was a real "slash and grab" crash cs and my recovery was very slow. I also had a 3 year old to look after. The MW came over when DD was 2 weeks old and I told her, I didn't think I wanted to feed her myself any more. The MW said that if it was making me miserable, then not to. I don't she was out of our street before DH was despatched to get formula and bottles.

I have no shame in how I feed/fed my babies. It works for me, It's actually no one else's business.

I have considered going to McD's and shouting "But you should be feeding these children steamed organic veg...." but, well, they're not my children, it's nothing to do with me.

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