An apology to bottle-feeding mums

[mrsalwaysawake]

Before I had DS, I was very pro-BF/anti-FF, and used to see women bottle-feeding their babies, and I judged them. I used to think (and say to DH) 'why do they do it? BF is free, and better for mum and baby'. I think I used to think that the bottle-feeding mums I saw were not as good mothers as breastfeeding mothers.
Well I can't apologise to them, but I can apologise here instead.

I never thought for a second that they might;
Be feeding expressed breast milk
Be giving an occasional formula feed for whatever reason
Have struggled with breastfeeding for emotional/health reasons
Or be perfectly good mothers feeding their babies in whatever way worked best for them, which was none of my business

I'm still pro-BF, and am happy to have fed my DS for 7 months and counting, but feel bad that I used to judge anyone for the way they fed their child.

Sorry!

Oh MooMa that is exactly what has happened with ds (now 6 weeks), he had heat and light treatment for jaundice and really you were only allowed 30 mins out the light in 3 hours for feeding. Noway could you demand bf in that situation, so had to sit on the hospital bed pumping for ds and giving formula if it was not enough. The paed told me that as long as baby is fed whatever way it does not matter. A lovely mum on MN recommended me a fantastic and cheap hospital grade breastpump and its been great absolutely fantastic. I could have not done it without it.

Great thread. I think it depends on your experience. Before I had DS I thought BFing was really easy and was a tiny bit judgey about FFing. Three months of exhaustion and mastitis later any inclination I ever had to be judgey is long gone. My MIL on the other hand found BFing easy and was quite judgey when I was struggling and seriously considering switching to FF.

My personal experience if breastfeeding was that it was very hard for the first month, then it seemed to me that it was easier than formula feeding because no sterilising or washing up, keeping bottles hot or cold, etc.

I am glad and proud that I did it, but oh my god, that first month! I had NO idea how hard it could be. When people talked about sore nipples, I thought they meant sore - not like torture. Seriously, the worst pain I have ever experienced. I am not suprised people give up at that point. And the feeling like a one woman diary farm, constantly leaking milk and sitting around with your top up round your armpits is emotionally difficult as well.

This time around (am pregnant) I am much more open to NOT bf exclusively for 12 months.

Although I should add that I recently got my first "are you still breastfeeding" comment (DS is all of 13 weeks old). However you feed your baby someone somewhere will be judging you...

It's nice to see this thread :-) I assumed bf would be easy as its natural but it was anything but! My DS wouldn't latch on and I had 5 separate midwives helping! I expressed milk for the first 2 weeks but wasn't getting enough to feed DS on breast milk alone so we used formula as well. With the benefit of hindsight I think I should have woken DS up in hospital to try breastfeeding before he got hungry and too upset to latch on, and I should have expressed milk more often, but there we are!

I ended up in tears as I felt useless, but I'm happy formula feeding now one got into a routine but honestly it does get me down when people judge me for it. I would have liked to have carried on expressing for longer but DH went back to work and I didn't have time to sit there expressing milk for an hour to get 60mls when DS was already on 100mls per feed, I personally felt my time would be better put to use looking after DS as when I was expressing DH was doing bottle feeding and nappy changing and I felt I was missing out on looking after DS.

As my mum said its how you bring them up for the next 18 years not what you feed them.for the first few months!

It is so refreshing to see this thread. I find MN can be full of very opinionated people who are so judgemental about bf before they even have a chance to put themselves in anyone else's shoes, actually there are no hard and fast rules and every baby is different.
I'm currently finding bf ds2 very hard on day 5, especially trying to entertain ds1 at the same time but I'm trying to hang on in there. However I won't get to the point where bf is providing more negatives than positives as I did with ds1!
Its very reassuring to see there are so many rounded views out there, thank you!

What a lovely post OP - thank you. I had a very traumatic birth and never had any skin to skin initially with my DD. After an EMCS and needing help with her breathing initially, I didn't even see her for nearly 40 minutes. After a brief glance at her she was taken to special care for 3 days. The first day I did not see her again for 12+ hours as following a spinal they would not let me down there. (I was too poorly). I desperately tried to BF but my milk stubbornly would not come in. By the time it did come in (10 days later) I had been forced to FF her. I tried to get my supply going but failed miserably. I managed to mix feed for 8 weeks and then it all got to much for us both.

It took me a LONG time to get over the guilt of it all. She is 8 months now and the love I have for her is indescribable. In fact, I feel we did not bond properly until I had stopped BF and accepted FF - mainly because I felt so depressed etc about it all I couldn't enjoy her.

I didn't mean to ramble on this way, but I did often feel judged and that I had to justify my decision to so many people. Like you, before DD was born I used to comment on FF mothers and now that I am a mother too, I would never judge again.

Thank you again OP - it's a really lovely thing to read and made my day!

Feeling very slightly less guilty now I've spread a little love

I felt similar. Then I had my LO....! Took 6 days for my milk to come in, I then expressed for 2 mnths whilst trying-and-failing to get her latched on. It was a miserable, horrible, awful time. FF ever since.
My pre-baby smug judginess was definitely beaten out of me, and I too feel dreadful about my previous attitude.

Apology noted and accepted!

I tried - oh how I tried. DD1 I ebf for 8wks then mixed fed for 2 more wks. She had awful reflux and was losing weight. I stopped at 10wks after being given the decision of stopping bf or spending Christmas in hospital. I found out at 5m that I had not healed either which really didn't help.

DD2 was ebf constantly for 6m. She was 'ok' but never really thrived. Once I put her on ff she took off, though she is still tiny. So I think there was an element of that in there too.

DS1 was ebf for 5wks. He was never content. Between us we battled sinusitis and then antibiotic induced thrush.

DS2 was ebf for 6wks then mixed fed for a further week before I 'gave up'. He had a TT snip (which I truly believe was a contributing factor in the others failing to bf effectively) but we never managed to get going. He was 9lb6 at birth so 91st centile. He dropped to the 25th whilst bf but he is now hovering around the 91st again and has been since 5m (he is now 8m).

None of my 'choices' felt like a choice. If I had my way I'd have happily bf all of them for 1yr+. But for whatever reason, it wasn't to be.

But I did feel judged in all sorts of ways by all sorts of people. So thank you. I opened this expecting to see all sorts of comments I haven't. So thanks everyone else too.

Ok, soppy love in over

It's lovely to read these posts. I've somehow, by the skin of my teeth managed to EBF to 6 months. While I'm incredibly proud of having done so, I can't pass comment on how any mother feeds their child. Breastfeeding was shit, and I mean UTTER shit for 12 weeks. I was just not taken seriously by many (unfortunately some BFCs too) because DS was PILING on weight, from 9th to 75th centile very quickly.

It was agony for me. Excruciating isn't too hyperbolic. I cried, DS cried, DH cried so many tears. With birth trauma, repeated infections (and antibiotic thrush each time), tongue tie, oversupply etc etc etc. Fook knows how I carried on. I was seconds away from formula so so many times and hope I'd have 'forgiven myself' for it if I had. We're all muddling through, and our babies get fed. Full stop.

Thank you for this thread.

I don't feel guilty that dd is ff because I know I tried to bf, dd lost lots of weight and needed food. But I was sooo determined to bf, I was judgey etc etc

But I feel that other people are judging me as I buy yet another pack of formula, and feel I want a label "I tried to breastfeed!!!" to stick on my back.

Although I realise this probably says more about my issues than other people's.

Ps Mombo, I did forgive myself but there were many many tears during the process.

So pleased to read this thread, it has really picked me up. I stopped bf dd at 51/2 weeks two days ago. I started a thread and got lots of advice and support for both stopping and continuing.

Dd has thrush
I have mastitis, don't know if I have thrush too, taking antibiotics.

I thought I'd go longer as did 4 weeks with dc's and felt much better prepared mentally more than anything as yes it's bloody hard and you need staminer yes you do.

I've felt sad and guilt. Anger at professionals who let me down. So I've counteracted this by thinking about positives as I refuse to beat myself up about it. I bought dd two fancy feeding bottles, I'm looking forward to buying whatever clothes I like now. I know where I am with my diet, I can finish my course of iron supplements. I have had a glass of wine.....

But most of all, dd loves to cuddle in bf position across me to get to sleep, i love it that she associates that with security and comfort forged from bf. I'm amazed how easy she has adapted to being bottled fed, fascinating that she still cluster feeds in the afternoon 1 or 2 oz's every 1-2 hrs, has a big feed at 3/4am....

I believe e the clossness of bf has taught me to recognise her ques for all sorts re time n closeness with her.

Phew, thanks for thread.