Trapped by BFing, wish I hadn't persevered

[PinkFondantFancy]

It was hard to establish BFing with DD, with problems with low milk supply, ductal thrush, colic, reflux etc but I persevered. 4.5 months in and I am on my knees with exhaustion. I can count on one hand the number of times she's slept longer than 3 hours in a row. Feel cheated because at the moment it takes all my energy to get through each day and it's very difficult to "enjoy these precious days, savour every moment" etc etc that I get told to do by people with babies that sleep through....

I can't see this getting better in the short or even medium term

• she refuses to take a bottle so getting anyone to have her while I have a sleep is out of the question
• I can't co sleep, the bed is too small
• I can't sleep while she's asleep in the day as she only naps for decent stretches if being pushed in the pram, so I end up walking miles every day.

I wish someone had told me how trapped I'd become by BF. if I'd had a crystal ball I don't tjink I would have persevered, it just isn't worth the enormous personal sacrifice. I really really need a decent stretch of sleep but I can't see how that's going to happen as there's no possibility of getting more than a couple of hours. I am beside myself with tiredness :(

Been there, it does get better honest, soon you'll be able to give her eg a yoghurt to tide her over, or more importantly, someone else will. Shortterm do you have anyone who could do the pram walk for you?

Are you in a single bed? If not, do you have a spare bed? I couldn't have co-slept and had DH in the bed, there wasn't room - so he decamped to the spare bed because he "needed his sleep" , leaving DS and me in the double - plenty of room and far better sleep.
Your DD should be dropping the early morning (2-3am) feed soon, if not already - does she do a full feed at 11ish at night?

I know you said she won't take a bottle so expressing isn't necessarily going to help; but you could try her on either expressed BM or cooled boiled water at 2am, see if it puts her off enough that she sleeps through.

It WILL get better, honestly. You've already done really well, only 1.5 more months until she's 6mo, if you can hang on until then.

I second the idea of getting someone else to walk her so you can sleep in the day.

Bigger bed? Drop side cot next to bed?

Tbh I have slept in a single with baby and toddler together, or in a single with Dh and a kid so don't get how can't he big enough? Put bed next to wall and baby on inside? If you will fall off put the bed guard on your side. I normally sleep in double with Dh 3 yr old and 18 mnth old....

Oh, I totally empathise. I remember getting to about the stage you're at and my DD suddenly wanted to feed and feed and feed and I just thought I'd never get a break/sleep/leave the house/see friends or do anything normal again. If it hadn't been for my Mum telling me it wouldn't last I might have given up then.

But you are soooo close to the start of weaning and then it starts getting much easier, they start sleeping better and they become less reliant on breast milk. Also, I think they often have a growth spurt around 4/5 months so the feeding may lessen in a short while. You've done amazingly well to persevere, please don't be too hard on yourself (also, all those people who tell you you should be savouring every moment can take a hike, used to piss me off no end as it made me feel guilty for getting frustrated/exhausted even though that was NORMAL).

In the meantime, I think Caz10's suggestion of getting someone else to do the walk naps is a good idea to give you a break. I don't know if this would work for you, but another suggestion is to express some milk and feed it to your DD in a cup. My DD would never take a bottle, and this sometimes worked - you'll probably have to get someone else to do it though as she'll wonder why you wont just give her the boob!

I couldn't have bf without co sleeping. For me one of the major benefits is not having to get out of bed and making bottles etc, but being able to dream feed insteaad.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We've got a standard double but there's no flat bits of wall to push it against, and DH thrashed around a lot in his sleep. Having said that, he's away for a couple of nights this week so I mIght bring DD in with me while he's away. She's in a cot without a removable side and everyone keeps saying how great it is that she'll sleep in her own cot and that moving her into our bed will make a rod for our backs, it's a backward step etc. Feeding her in bed would help with my tiredness though as I wouldn't have to put dressing gown on and sit up to feed her.

What bed rails do you use? The mesh ones I've seen typically say from 18 months up which worried me a bit.

There isn't anyone to walk her during the day normally, but my mum is coming up next week so at least she can do a couple of days.

My GP reckoned starting weaning now was worthwhile but DD's had a stinking cold this week so I'm just waiting for her nose to unblock. It feels relentless - if it's not a growth spurt, it's a cold, or jabs, then it'll be teeth.... Urgh it just feels like I'm never going to sleep ever again. Sorry for being melodramatic, it's been another loooooooong night :(

Oh sorry Thumbwitch, I missed your post. We don't have a spare room more's the pity :( I so so wish I hadn't converted the spare room into a nursery, such a rubbish idea. I totally need a second double bed a lot more than a cot and changing station.... Arghghghghhh! No going back now though, as no space for the bed again, plus we've given it away anyway, and no room for cot in my bedroom.

She seems to take a pretty full feed at most feeds TBH. She's thriving on the weight charts which is a positive. Just a shame it's taking me down doing it....

Hey pink my ds is tge same age and doing exactly tge same . I've also got a pre-schoolers who doesn't sleep through every night do totally get how knackered you are.

Send dh to sleep on the sofa/floor/bath tonight, go to bed as early as you can. You can put dd down to her cot as per normal and then bring into bed to feed. If you feed lying down then if you drop off great if not pop her back to bed. I tended to keep ds in bed after a feed around 5/6am but did do it earlier as well.

It is hard. It's also one if the reasons you have enjoy tge moments you do get because this hopefully won't last forever.

Sounds obvious but I know I'm not too good with this always but winding and changing nappies when they've finished feeding can be a way if getting them awake bait and take some more milk but tbh im so tired most of the time I just put him back as soon as he goes off.

I second the sending DH to sleep on the sofa or floor. Get him an air bed!
Though I must admit that when DD had a terrible cold I was the one on the air bed in the nursery co sleeping. If I wasn't so tired I'd have laughed as it was a bit like a teenage sleep over again!

Could you get a single mattress & put it on the floor in the nursery as a temporary measure?

It will get better, it is exhausting though & all those who have said enjoy it to me (generally people who did it donkeys years ago & have forgotten) are talking rubbish. If I'm honest I'd skip the first 6 months, after that it all gets more fun & easier.

Try to find a safe way to co sleep, it really helps. Do some feeds lying down in the day too to rest if you can.

Scroll way down to 'Cots- a blog I have been putting off for an age' you need something like the East Coast Nursery Barton Cot from mothercare. You can attach it to your bed and then have the baby right beside you at night. Either that or some sort of bedside cot that can attach to your bed. For goodness sake do not get up and sit wide awake feeding her at night any more. Here's another one. As someone said above, one of the chief advantages and joys -- of bfing is that you can do it in bed.

Unless your room is a closet there must be enough room for at least a small bedside cot. Maybe push your bed over a bit and move chests of drawers etc into the nursery?

I had the same issue with DD. I persevered with a bottle - try during the day when baby's not hungry, just as a sort of plaything at first, try different teats, DD would not go near Tommee Tippee but then went for MAM, having said all that I believe they go through a stage of waking all the time at circa 4 months anyway - are you sure baby needs feeding? Can someone else try just cuddling them back to sleep?

yes co-sleeping is definitely the way. it's rubbish about 'rod for backs' etc. DD co-sleeps at night but sleeps in her cot for daytime naps. Utter madness to get out of bed to BF, I could never have survived doing that - well done you for doing it so long! But really, send DH to sleep on sofa or mattress on spare room floor, and bring your baby into your bed, it will transform you.

I so remeber being there, DD was just the same. I never bothered about presavering with the bottle as I had no one else to help (DH not able to do night feeds). So I just pushed through is. It was tough.

You really don't have to do that though, with DS I said sod that and we got a cot with a drop side which we have removed to make into a bedside cot(see you don't even have to splash out on an expesive bedside cot you could convert your if it has a drop side). I get do much more sleep then I ever did with DD, make's everything else much easier.

By BF you are doing giving your DD the best possible start you are still supporting her immune system and that's not meationing the health benifits to you as well which are just as important.

It will get easier.

Also been there. My dd is now nearly 10 months and it is better, although the little rascal is back to waking at 4am and now refuses to go back into her own cot so comes in with me from then on... However, before this she had been dropping night feeds of her own accord and did sleep through from 6.30pm to 6.30am for 4 whole weeks!!!

It gets so much easier after 6 months. I also regretted bf, said I wouldn't do it again, dd wouldn't take a bottle (still won't) and I could never be away from her for more than 3 hours etc. I told everyone who would listen that once she was 6 months I was going to stop. Now I'm happy bf and keep thinking that I might just go with it until she decides enough is enough. So, it will change for you.

In the meantime, some things I did. Once or twice a week I went to bed stupidly early, like 8pm or something. At weekends I would give her her morning feed and then DP would take her out for a morning walk and nap (I also have a baby who needs motion or feeding to sleep during the day) and I would go back to bed for two hours. I eventually gave up trying never to feed her to sleep and so now we have our afternoon nap in bed together and I also sleep or read a book. Bliss!

One word of warning... I found weaning made my dd wake up more often in the night for about 3 or 4 weeks. I think her system found it a little hard to cope with the change and she often had wind, so don't expect weaning to make an instant difference.

Good luck, you're doing brilliantly. Oh, and as others have said, it's perfectly normal not to enjoy every second of this. It's bloody hard work :)

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. But to be honest when you are sleep deprived everything looks terrible. I think you should bring her into your bed somehow. That is what's going to help most short term. Forget the 'rod' for the moment , you need sleep and the he's way to get it is to cosleep. The best thing about BF is that you only had to turn over and lift up your top :) if you are actually getting up, going to another room, getting her out of the cot, sittin and feeding, then burping, then putting back in cot, then going back to you room.... No wonder you are tired!

Pink my oldest 2 would never take a bottle either, I remember it well however in the end I found that actually they would take it from others so long as I wasn't there. They did fuss a bit too but they were fine. Could you go to your parents for a couple of hours for a sleep? Is your dh or anybody else confident with a crying baby? My brother used to be great he'd take them for a walk in the pram whilst I had an hour.

One thing I've picked up this time around is that a sheepskin works a treat for keeping them in their own bed I use it in the pram during the day and then move it to her crib, it's familiar to her and has her smell so after 2 babies that refused to go into their own bed dd is very happy in hers, it's a revelation.

I have similar issues. On Friday afternoon I went to my MIL's and fed DD there and then went for a nap upstairs at 3.30pm thinking I probably wouldnt sleep . DH and DS came over after work. MIL made tea for us all but I slept on through tea and only woke up at 7pm, so I must have needed it!
Any chance of you doing similar with a friend/relative?

i feel like you and my baby is only 7 weeks. Depressing to know it wont get better for ages yet. Really want to express but always too knackered/never any left/when the hell can you - where is this free time when these things happen. Hate taking him places apart from mothers groups as he wants me in his mouth all the time.

You don't have to have a special cot to attach it to your bed. DH added a few bolts to ours so that we could take one side off then attached it with some screws and cable ties. A few rolled up towels down the far side of the mattress made it meet our mattress. And getting a cosleeping baby into her own cot/room wasn't a problem for us. We also used one of those barrier things that says from 18 months with no problem and that was well before 18 months.

tbh I think 3 hourly is pretty standard at that age, my dd is 6mo and has only recently been going a bit longer, I used to get up with her in the night until I ran out of energy and started cosleeping. I actually quite like it. I always used to give myself little goals when I was finding it tough like "two more weeks then see how I feel" and just kept going. It took me a while to introduce a bottle dd just wasn't having any of it but after a few weeks she did. Try expressing an ounce or two and offering that after she's had most of her feed, even if she just plays with it let her, my mum done it every day and eventually she just started sucking.

I haven't much to add bar sympathy. My DS is 7 weeks old and has just started going six hours at night. If he hadn't I would have quit breastfeeding. I don't think these threads always sufficiently acknowledge just how badly some people cope with sleep deprivation. I have always coped incredibly badly, in addition to being a light sleeper and on-and-off insomniac. When DS was feeding every three hours at night I was insanely short-tempered with everyone but him. The exahaustion was also threatening to trigger anxiety and depression, both of which I have a history of. People hold up co-sleeping as some kind of magical answer, but as a light, restless sleeper I can't imagine anything more misery-inducing. And I am not going to turf DH out of bed for six months. As it is I only get to see the poor man for one grumpy hour every evening before collapsing into bed.

All of which is a long roundabout way of saying something you will never ever hear on mumsnet ie that switching to the bottle can sometimes be the least worst option for everyone provided you have a clear idea of who will do night feeds and night waking generally.

Somewherewest - I completely agree. FF was great for us (not for a sleep issue) and people are often reticent about it.