is it really worth it?

[MrsCLH]

Ds is 14 weeks old and ebf. The last 2 nights he's been up at least 4 times. I feed him back to sleep every time, nothing else works. He wont nap during the day unless I rock him to sleep and even then I cant put him down. The only other way he'll nap is out in the pram. I am exhausted. Sil came to take him for a walk this afternoon so I got in my pj's, got all snuggled in, what bliss, thought I might even get 2 hours. 20 mins later they're back and he's screaming. Nothing will settle him but feeding. He's been awake since 6.30 and its now 4pm and he's slept for about 40 mins. No one else can feed him, he wont take a bottle, no one else can settle him or get him to sleep. I am so tired. I just feel miserable. Nothing about this feels enjoyable right now. I have no idea when im next going to get a sleep that lasts for more than 2-3 hours. I feel like getting in the car and just driving away. I feel like this is all cos he's ebf. Its making me feel mad that ive chosen to do whats best for him and as a result its just so much pressure and I feel like I cant do it. I dont know what im expecting people to say I just needed to get it all out.

((Hugs))
This too will pass
Some babies are harder work than others imo - nothing to do with being ebf or not. Count down the days weeks months - it gets easier with every passing week as they feed less, settle down, start weaning etc
Do you use a sling? Do you bf lying down at night? Those can help

((Hugs))
This too will pass
Some babies are harder work than others imo - nothing to do with being ebf or not. Count down the days weeks months - it gets easier with every passing week as they feed less, settle down, start weaning etc
Do you use a sling? Do you bf lying down at night? Those can help

My sisters baby is 7 weeks older than mine, he happily sits in a bouncy chair for an hour without a peep. Or he falls asleep in it without any coaxing. Mine lasts about 5 mins then has had enough. You cant even make a sandwich some days. Ive not tried a sling, I thought it might just make things worse? Im worried he's not learning to settle himself. I feel like its my fault for not trying harder to teach him. I dont nd lying down. Im scared I'll fall asleep and roll on him or he'll roll out of bed.

You poor thing! My son was very similar and I was miserable when he was that age (he's now 11 months). I was exhausted and cried a lot. I felt really isolated and though we had been going to groups I stopped as he was so miserable from not sleeping and so was I. I also EBF.

But around 5 months old he got the hang of napping and started sleeping a bit better at night. Things continued to improve after that. He still has off days and nights but it is all so much better. We didn't change anything, it was like it was part of his development.

He started on some formula at 8 months and it has done nothing to improve his sleep. Even a bottle at bedtime doesn't change the patten of his wakings. But a breastfeed at night still settles him easiest.

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice but I just wanted to reassure you that it can get better and that it probably isn't about breastfeeding (though my MIL may say otherwise ).

Oh, I did get a sling and it did help. In fact, that may have been how he started to nap more frequently. I also forgot to add that I get told all the time now that I have the happiest, most pleasant baby-seriously didn't think anyone would say that when he was 14 weeks!

Don't compare him to other babies - part of getting through the early months with sanity intact is imo about accepting the baby you have, not the 'longer sleeping, less clingy, calmer etc etc' babies other people seem to have! Other people's babies often seem easier! Think they must be on best behaviour. Maybe he is a 'high need' baby (google dr sears) ? In which case the best thing is to meet his needs as a baby so he is secure as a child - so hard work now but better than dealing with an insecure older child (this is what I told myself repeatedly to get through the early months!) If you co-sleep and bf, you will not smother your baby - bf mothers sleep in a protective shape curled round the baby - and bf lying down at night is way way more relaxing - you are more or less asleep really. Thereks lots of info about attachment parenting, cosleeping, high need babies, high intensity babies out there - at least you realise you are not alone! This will get much easier soon - hang on in there

It's really hard being a mum. But it does get easier. I found at about 4 months a fog lifted and I felt better.

some things that worked for me.

1. Managing my expectation for my DS. He is who he is and needs to be allowed to do as he needs. (He wakes several times each night but I don't expect him to sleep through because he is still young at 10 months old)

2. A sling it means i can eat lunch hands free. Now he's a bit older i put him on my back to chop up stuff or do a bit of house work. I have a mai tei which means i can feed in it and wear for a long time. for instance i feed DS while shopping for christmas lunch.

3. Co-sleep/feeding lying down. we have a cot attached to our bed so DS can't roll out. It also means all three of us have a little bit more room.

HTH

You do sound exhausted :( Please don't blame yourself for not 'teaching' him to settle himself. Some babies settle themselves, some don't. It's not something you can teach them really, they just learn in their own time. Your sister's baby just has a different personality, it's nothing to do with how they are fed.

Feeding back to sleep, rocking, using a sling etc are all great parenting tools and there is no evidence at all that they will create bad habits so if anything like that helps then just go for it.

I agree that learning to feed lying down may help you out. How would you feel about co-sleeping? It's not for everyone but a lot of BF mothers find it very helpful.

You might find it useful going to a support group and talking through this with other mums, if only to find that you're not the only one! Here is a list of LLL groups.

Dr Sears has loads of tips for fussy babies that you might find helpful.

It will get better! Hang in there :)

mrsCLH are you me?? My DD is almost 15 weeks and is the same. I've hit a wall of exhaustion and have spent most of Christmas in tears. I can't/won't cosleep-bed and bedroom too small, no spare bed. I am counting down the days until vmstatibg with relatives is over and I can hunker down at home and spend the day at least feeding her lying down and dosing. No advice I'm afraid but plenty of empathy!

Could he be having a growth spurt?

I dont think that you can 'teach' him to be one of the babies who sits and amuses themselves. The best thing that you can do is to meet his needs as they are now. It does get easier.

Can really identify with what you're saying, sorry you're having such a tough time. I would reiterate what others have said about getting through it as best you an, feed lying down, sling etc. Also, I found all of mine had a growth spurt at around that age that lasted a week or two. It was a total slog, but to me it was worth continuing with breastfeeding for the health benefits in the longer term. Have you got a supportive partner who can keep you well fed whilst you concentrate on the baby? Hope things improve for you soon.

Totally understand how you are feeling, my ds is so different from dd who slept through at 8 weeks. Now I've got him she's not sleeping arrggghhhh

You say you tried bottle feeding, can I ask how many times and who did it? My dh tried and failed bit I managed too but not much point in that! I watched him feeding and was able to give some tips and it worked. Also I know some have managed to feed using a cup.

I know you are worried about keeping him close and it making it worse, I have worried about that too bit just try and remember the stories on here about those where it's given the baby/child confidence by knowing mum is there.

Btw writing this whilst feeding ds even though I was preping dinner !

So much good support here. MrsCLH this is your baby, not the way you've made him by doing or not doing something. It's not how you're feeding him (in fact sometimes FF can make them worse because you add in potential reactions to cow's milk, constipation and of course the risk of gastroenteritis).

Having the breast as a means to soothe high needs babies is a god send - something that is only understandable when you don't have it anymore.

It's not your parenting. It's his personality and if you can work out a way to go with him, support his needs while balancing yours as much as possible, it will settle down and get better.

Safe co-sleeping is really easy. I very highly recommend "Three in a Bed" by Deborah Jackson. It's scary when there seems to be so much anti-bed sharing stuff but to reassure you, the risk of SIDS when safely bedsharing is reduced and breastfeeding mothers do not overlay their babies.

My DS1 was really easy and I wondered what my friends with babies like yours were on about. DS2 was just like yours - parented the same - and I realised why things weren't so easy for everyone!!

Some key things to look at:

1. Your baby is normal. You've not made him like this. Many/most babies are more like this than your sister's baby.

2. You are exhausted and that needs addressing. Can you work out ways to get some support to get some sleep? With some sleep behind you this looks a lot more manageable, believe me. I know that it didn't work out last time with your sister, but do keep going with this and try to grab some extra snoozes. Just working out that lying down feeding will help a lot, actually.

3. Look into co-sleeping and lying down to feed. It's a life saver.

4. Find a LLL group that you can get to to get some RL support and back up that this is normal.

5. Go to a sling meet (www.slingmeet.co.uk) to look at proper slings (not Baba slings or Baby Bjorn styles).

6. Read anything by Dr William Sears, Deborah Jackson, Elizabeth Pantley.

7. Ignore anyone mentioning rods for backs or implying you've done this. You've not. He's beautiful and spirited and will be an amazing, fun-packed toddler. right now he needs you to help him to work out how to deal with the big, scary world and that's a huge amount of pressure for you. Working with him, working out what he wants and giving to him what he needs to relax in the world is hard, but it will pass soon.

I'm going through exactly the same thing with my 6 week old! She has been feeding all day! Even as I type! Im hoping it's a growth spurt otherwise I can not live like this! Went for my 6 week check and even had to bf in the waiting room. I got called in and had to walk with her attached to me!

I'm going out of my mind!

6 weeks is a classic growth spurt time. From around birth to 8 weeks or so babies often feed pretty much constantly but around 2 months onwards they start to slow down a bit. Hang in there gina :)

It's nice to be able to BF in the waiting room as you know there's milk on tap and you don't need to worry about bringing a bottle/being out too long with it getting warm/running out etc. BFing in the waiting room is a good thing. I remember walking everywhere with babies attached to me... I found a well-fitting pouch sling great as I could walk and feed with hands free and while I'm very happy to feed in public there was no way anyone knew what I was doing.

Thank you so so much for all your lovely replies. Amazing how much it helps to hear that other people are going/have been through the same thing. I'm sure every woman at every baby group I've been to has a baby that sleeps for ten hours straight at night!

I'll look up everything you've all suggested and have a good think about the other advice re bfing lying down etc. Its good to hear that giving them what they need is not a bad thing. All I've been able to think about is that I'm making a rod for my own back or that there must be something wrong with him so to hear that that's not the case is very reassuring.

Me and DH have both tried to bottle feed him. The first time he just guzzled it down but we didn't keep it up, mainly because I struggle to get much milk when I express and just don't have enough spare time to express enough for a feed on a regular basis. Now he won't take a bottle at all, he just doesn't seem to know what to do with it and ends up gagging on it and then getting distressed. And its so hard to keep perservering because I don't have enough expressed milk and absolutely soul destroying when I have to keep throwing it away!

I think the last couple of days have been harder because there's been so much going on and so many people wanting a piece of him and I think he's found it all a bit overwhelming and I've found myself making excuses for him/us and its sort of accentuated the fact that he's not very easy to deal with IYSWIM. And usually I'd be going to bed a lot earlier but its just not been possible with it being Christmas and today its just really caught up with me. And I find the more desperately I need a nap during the day, the less chance there is of it happening!

Me and DH ended up taking him for a walk ourselves this afternoon because he was clearly over tired and would not settle at all at home. He fell asleep at about 5.20 and we're home now and he's still asleep so I'm having a glass of wine and making my way through a box of ferrero rocher!!

Typically now he's asleep I'm worrying that he's been asleep too long and I should wake him up! Can't win!

Gods, yes, Christmas! If you're going to feel overwhelmed at any time - or your baby is - now's the time.

Hopefully things will feel better when the party season is calming down... :) But it sounds like you're feeling a bit more in control now, with more of an understanding of the normality of what you're going through.

I think the phrase "rod for your own back" should be removed from English :) In most countries babies are carried by their mums or siblings all day (NOTE: It's not all down to mum!), given free access to the breast (ok, that bit generally is), sleep with their parents and they turn out Just Fine.

I think you're doing a great job, and your baby is lucky to have a mum who is open minded and not to be swept along with convention, based on culture, not what humans have always done and what they do in most places outside the UK and US, and some of Europe. Our convention/culture comes from recent attempts to control child rearing which just haven't worked, rather than realising that babies don't read books or theories. They are what they were thousands of years ago and they're expecting to be born in a cave with Sabre Toothed Tigers roaming outside, and sticking with mama, thank you very much, is the very safest place to be right now.

Babies grow out of being high needs like they grow out of nappies. No one thinks they're making a rod for their own back by using nappies - it's accepted they'll just stop using them eventually (sometimes with persuasion, but that's also fine). It's the same with co-sleeping, nursing on demand and being carried. They just grow out of it when it's right for them, and move on to their next stage without a look back while you stand there, having gotten used to all this, and feel sad for the sudden move they've made away from you! That doesn't need to be just yet - it will happen soon enough and I promise you you'll wish it hadn't happened so fast, intense as it is now.

I quite often post this quote from Dr Sears which I love. His work is great - very supportive and informative. He says, "Babies will wean and someday they will sleep through the night. This high maintenance stage of nighttime parenting will pass. The time in your arms, at your breast, and in your bed is a relatively short while in the life of a baby, yet the memories of love and availability last forever."

I know it's hard, but you're not alone and hopefully some of the strategies here will make it a bit easier for you.

www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/night-weaning-12-alternatives-all-night-nurser

www.askdrsears.com/

Just in case you haven't already done it cranial osteopathy can work wonders. I think of the people I know personally for 50% of them who had "difficult" babies it made a massive difference and quickly.

but yes yes yes to feeding lying down, I used to do night feeds on a single bed with the baby between me and the wall so if I accidently fell asleep I knew they could fall off the bed.

There are plenty of us in the same boat here lady, and can totally relate to how you're feeling. We have a High-Need Baby Support thread on this board here:

High Need Baby Support

And to answer your question, yes, it's totally worth it :) This too shall pass!

Come join us on the 'High Needs Baby Support Thread'! Don't know how to link, but it's in 'breast and bottle feeding' topic. You'll get lots of support and see that you are most definitely not alone.

Great minds eh tickleme?!

Indeed

Hello - I don't have any more advice as its been covered so well already but just to reinforce the point that this is your baby not what you have or haven't done. I have twins - one of whom is similar to your baby and the other is the opposite - and I treated them the same at first. The greatest help to me was to accept his behaviour rather than wishing him to be different and adjusting my expectations. Weirdly I could cope with getting up through the night to feed when I expected to do that. BFing has been a great help as I can feed/comfort them both back to sleep when they wake at night and be back in bed in 15 minutes sometimes. It does get better although you don't always realise it for a while. Elizabeth Pantley helped me too. Not so much the tips (although they are good) but helping me realise this is normal. She also says something along the lines of 'don't do anything now that you may regret when your babies are older'. I figured a few tough weeks out of my life was worth it. I hope that doesn't sound too preachy - I know how horrible sleep deprivation can make you feel Hope it works out for you.