Any extended breastfeeders (2 yrs+) ? I desperately need advice.

[itallstartedwithabigbang]

My dd2 recently turned 3 and still breastfeeding.

I would like to have stopped around a year ago but she didn't seem ready so I went with it thinking she would self wean eventually.

Here we are a year later and I am at the end of my tether. I am still feeding her to sleep at night and when she wakes in the morning. She is going through a phase of waking in the night for a feed too.

I just have no idea how to stop. I gently introduced the idea to her that once she was 3 she would be a big girl and not need to bf anymore and she seemed to accept it. I bought her a special toy which she loves but as we got nearer to her birthday she became very distressed about it and when the time came I felt it would be too upsetting for her.

If I refuse to feed her she gets very, very upset and it is impossible to settle her. She cried for nearly an hour the last time I tried and then fell asleep and woke up very distressed soon after.

My older dc has some health issues and needs her sleep. If I go cold turkey with stopping breastfeeding it could mean a lot of broken nights for older dc and I feel it is unfair.

Has anyone any advice or experience of this sort of situation?

No local La Leche where I am and my public health visitor (not in UK) was no use.

I stopped recently - DS was just over 2 so a bit younger. We did it gradually - we started giving warm milk as part of bedtime and DH did a few bedtimes every now and then, getting DS used to not being fed.
I then would do the same - warm milk and avoid the feeding position. If he asked, I'd say "tomorrow" and give a cuddle. Didn't always work so would feed. In the mornings, I'd give him warm milk and again, avoid feeding positions and avoid low cut tops otherwise he'd see mummy milk and ask.

Gradually we got to a position where he'd happily accept me saying mummy milk was finished or he could have some tomorrow. Now he might mention it every now and then but hasn't fed for a couple of weeks.

I deliberately didn't make a big deal about stopping as it gave him so much comfort. I do feel a bit sad about stopping but have DC2 arriving imminently so had to stop (although expecting him to ask when he sees them feeding!)

Thanks Iggly. It sounds like it went ok for you. The trouble with dd is that the minute I say 'no' she absolutely howls. You would think I was killing her. She won't calm down and definitely won't accept substitutes once I am present.

I have left her overnight with DH a couple of times and she will eventually fall asleep but will wake looking for me frequently.

She loves breastfeeding so much. She tells em every day she loves it. She even sings little songs about boobs

In some ways I am proud to have gone this long. She is amazingly healthy. It is so difficult. I don't have a single person in real life to talk to about it.

I only know 1 person who fed beyond 6 months and they stopped at a year.

I stopped feeding my dd1 when she was 2.5. I really needed to stop but was dreading doing it. In the end I told her that my milk would stop when we dome home from holiday and we talked about it a lot before hand. That first night was awful. She was so upset. Her dad settled her that night. After that she didn't seem bothered at al. She would ask and I would tell her that she has drunk all the milk.

She still remembers been bf and even at nearly 4 she still grabs my boobs. I remember that awful feeling though when you just don't want to do it anymore.

Good luck

I'm still feeding DS2, he's 2 and a half.

For my sanity he's got a feeding routine - it was morning and bedtime, then at 2 we dropped the morning feed. Any requests for milk at other times are dealt with by asking him 'when do we have milk' and he says bedtime, then I distract him onto something else.

Could u work on the night feeds - send DH so milk is not an option. You might have a couple of difficult nights but maybe you could look at the bigger picture? Pick a time like the Xmas hols when u don't need to get up for school / work

As well, we changed the order of the bedtime feed. It was bath story milk bed. Now it's bath milk then story, so DS never feeds to sleep and has learnt to sleep on his own.

Should have mentioned we are co-sleeping. I think that is probably the main issue really.

We have a good bedtime routine and she falls asleep quickly while feeding and will sleep 3-4 hours on her own. She usually wakes either just before I go to bed (in which case I sleep in with her) or a couple of hours after (I go to my own bed and go into her when she wakes). She has never slept in a cot and has never slept alone all night.

It's a disaster and I feel like a fool. DH is fed up too.

DD1 was quite ill when dd2 was younger and was a terrible sleeper. Co-sleeping was just a way of us all getting some sleep but it has turned into the opposite for me.

I think I just need a good shake and some stern words (although I might cry)

I have two very different breastfeeding experiences.

DS2 is 20months and night weaning has involved him and dh sleeping together whilst I enjoy sleeping in a bed all on my own in ds1's room for the first time in over 6 years - bliss!!! No bother, no crying, no fuss from ds2 at all.

DS1 however, was a completely different kettle of fish. When he was around 2.5yo to 3.5yo, we had several attempts at cutting down, both night weaning and trying to cut down daytime feeds. He got exceptionally distressed when we tried to cut down and it affected his behaviour through the day. Like you, I was at the end of my tether. I didn't want to have to nurse him as often as he wanted, but the consequences of not doing it were way worse than just getting on with it. He eventually night weaned without too much bother at 3.5yo when I was pg with ds2, and still feeds most days at age 6.

These experiences are so different, and I conclude from it that ds2 was ready to make the change and ds1 wasn't.

Why?

Well, ds1 is tongue tied (which I only discovered recently) and I have also recently discovered that he has a high palate. This is linked to sleep apnea (yes children can get it too) and various other problems which ds1 also has including reflux and aerophagia, ear pain and congestion. Basically he is exhausted and feels awful, most of the time.

I have only pieced this together in the last few weeks. At age 3years, I had no idea that ds1 was suffering so much. It completely explains his need to carry on nursing.

I am not saying that your dd is ill, but what I am saying is that there may be a very good reason why she doesn't want to stop which you haven't discovered yet.

I stopped when DS was 3.9, just after xmas last year. Stopped for same reasons- I had just had enough.

I said 'Yes, later' quite a lot, (distract distract, just after this cartoon, etc) which made it less often, and then 'at bedtimes only' - did that for ages- that really helped too as it wasnt a no (DS was just the same- he hated no).

I did it really slowly- sort of got a sense when DS was ready for me to do it too- maybe just give it a little longer, then gradually decrease your feedings.

Be proud! I loved my bf time, no regrets at all. Good luck!

Oh, sorry to hear your going through this. I just stopped feeding DD in Sept' age 3.10 months. The only way i could stop her waking up for a night feed was to get her to sleep away from me for a few nights(just with her dad in the spare). If she got into bed with me in the morning, she would ask for a feed, and then just a quick 10 minutes before bed-time.

Tbh i enjoyed b.f, but was starting to feel a bit "touched" out IYKWIM, so was glad in Sept' when it all came to an end off her own accord.

I did notice that even as an "older" bfder, my dd would want more if she was coming down with something, and during developmental leaps, so i would heed what mawbroon has said. Goodluck.

Thanks for all the replies.

Iggley Forgot to say congrats on the imminent arrival. Best of luck.

pud Your story is what I was hoping would happen for us but dd isn't having any of it yet. Well done for getting to 2.5 and finishing in a way that was ok for you both. Fingers crossed we get ther soon.

therein We don't have daytime feeds anymore - not for a long time but it was easy to distract her during the day. I've tried the only bedtine and morning with her and got a toddler clock so she knows mornign and night but no luck yet.

mawbroon It is interesting what you say about her needing to be ready. She is very healthy and happy. She plays well independently and although she can initially be a little shy in new situations once she settles in she is fine. In some ways she seems grown up for 3.

As Mawbroon says, all children are different and there may also be a reason you don't know about, as to why your dd doesn't want to stop yet.

My experience: I recently stopped (ds 3.5) and it was bloody hard (at least I think I have, it's been a couple of weeks now, but he still occasionally asks, but is happily distracted from it). I was ready stop a long time ago (year and a half ago) and have been trying to persuade him on and off since then, but like you could never go cold turkey.

Is it only to get to sleep / at night that she feeds? I found it helped me a lot once I got ds off the day feeds.

For us, I noticed that the few nights where ds fell asleep without a feed, he generally slept through (not always though).

I did everything in my power to knacker him out physically in the afternoon then would read his favourite stories with him cosy in bed and he would inevitably fall asleep halfway through. Sometimes he has been upset though and I have fed him.

I also did my best in cutting down the lengths of the feeds which I think has helped. Generally by talking about something else to him and getting his attention to thinking about something else so he stops the feed himself.

All this has taken many months and it feels very much 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards. Because I didn't want him to be distressed and wanted to try and step things down as gradually as possible, it definitely wasn't a matter of a week or so and then done and dusted. (Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear). He still sometimes climbs in next to me in the morning and asks for milk. But generally i can suggest that we go and watch some cartoons, or offer him a 'dinosaur milk' (those ridiculously expensive Danone things with a cartoon dinosaur on that I use sometimes as a back up ) and he's fine with that.

Sorry, this is a bit rambled, and not the best advice. Don't think there is one magic trick that will work as there are so many other factors involved. But you are definitely not alone, and I can completely relate to how you feel (however small a consolation that is).

I only managed 13 months so don't really have the right to an opinion(!) but when I stopped the first stage was taking feeds away from the bedtime routine - she had her last one before her bath. Would that be possible? Once it's not part of getting off to sleep I'd imagine it would be much more manageable...

I finished feeding DS just before he was 2 - so not as late as you I know - as I got fed up of waiting for him to self-wean.

I gave him a bit of notice by saying I think my milk is going to run out soon, there are probably only a couple of days left. For the next 3 days just had one feed, and offered lots of cows milk in cups, then told him all my milk had gone.

It was tricky for a few days as he was pretty persistant, and he does still remember occasionally even now (well over a year later!) especially when we see newborns feeding. However, on balance, it was less stress than I thought it would be, and it is SO much better to be free from the tyranny of a boob-hungry toddler!

Seriously though, I kept trying to be kind but firm and stuck to the same explanation - that there was none left - and within a week all was calm.

Good luck!

I stopped two of mine at 2 1/2. With both I expected a battle, I told both the milk had run out - was firm on the matter as I had really had enough. Worke really well for both children!

DD is 4 next month and we have a similar situation. She can and will go to sleep without a BF - in fact she does so 1x a week when she stays at her dad's house. She goes to sleep fine without it if I am not there. She also feeds first thing but again no issue if I am not there.

However if I am in the house she will only go to sleep if I have given her BF first. Mostly she will fall asleep on the breast but a couple of times a week she will feed then go to sleep (albeit in my bed) on her own.

I am still okay on the whole BF her and do plan to let her self wean however we have started to talk about when she might stop - her answer was not now and when pushed she got upset so I have left it for now.

So no real answer for you OP but you are not alone. If I refused a feed at night she would be so upset so I don't refuse. No option of Daddy doing bedtimes either as I am a single parent.

Thanks all.

Will reply properly tomorrow.

DD1 has just woken up with a hacking cough so another bad night ahead for me.

Mothering your nursing toddler covers bf'ing at 1, 2, 3 and 4+ including weaning methods, and is well worth a read IMO.

How weaning happens is supposed to be very good too.

(No advice from experience I'm afraid though, as DS isn't quite 2 yet and feeds loads.)

Subbing for ideas (sorry op!!) ds2 2 yrs loves his milky, it's starting to drive me a bit mad now as he's up so much in the night wanting feeds :(

He's allergic to dairy though so I have no real replacement :(

"No-cry sleep solution for toddlers and pre-schoolers" by Elizabeth Pantley may offer some suggestions for improving her sleeping, if not weaning.

mawbroom my son's paediatric cranial osteopath said that TT and HAP or BP babies are more prone to the ear problems, apnea etc that you mention, and releasing tension in certain parts of the skull call help with all these things. Maybe worth a try?

I breastfed DS2 for 1 year and DD ( my youngest) for 2.5 years, only fed her the last thing at night by that time. Then I decided she just seemed too big to be jumping on me. I knew she would miss the comfort it gave her... so i'm ashamed to say I actually gave her ordinary cow's milk in a BOTTLE and there was no looking back.

Am "still" feeding DS 2yo, but found as soon as I took milk out of the equation at bedtime, he slept better. Told him we were going to have a lovely snuggly story instead, let him choose, tucked up under a "special" blanket. That night he slept from 8pm till 5am. I wonder if similar may be of help with ynu?
You've done wonderfully, well done!

My DD just took a spill proof beaker of dilute sugar free squash to bed.
Very naughty, very effective.
She didn't come in during the night, she carried on feeding until she was in KS2.
I really wish I'd insisted on water, she's almost 11 and she still won't drink water or plain milk.

She was supposed to stop when she started school, but she decide that weekends and half-term didn't count and quickly slipped back to two feeds a day.

Sorry to be blunt, but just say no. You are getting yourself into a position where she learns that making a fuss gets her what she wants. This is not about BF but about setting boundaries, letting her know you are the boss and what you say goes. Keep giving in and you are set for another 15 yrs of demands and crying etc.

See I found that the 'just say no' approach is fine when you're talking about 'no you can't have chocolate for breakfast' or 'no you can't carry on playing, it's time to tidy up and have a bath' etc but it was a whole other ball game with bf.

I actually did trying the just saying no when I was first trying to wean (on the advice of someone who, as it turned out, didn't have experience in weaning a toddler) and I quickly saw that ds' reaction wasn't a tantrum in the same vein as if I had said no to more chocolate (for example) but actual distress on a level I hadn't seen from either dc before. I don't think it is as simple as a boundaries issue.