Dp seems very against me BF baby. Help or advice?

[toddle]

Hello I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I guess some people on here will have a idea that may help.

I really want to breast feed baby when he/she arrives. For lots of reasons really so I can't pin point my biggest case for it.

As the weeks go by Dp is becoming much more negative about the idea and I'm getting snide comments such as - 'doesn't matter when he takes paternity as he can't do anything anway', 'feel like you won't trust me as you will have to be with me everywhere do can't take baby alone'. He feels like the baby won't like him, he won't be able to bond, take the baby to see his family on a three hour one way journey without me, I'll be pushing him away because I'll be doing everything.

In some ways I see where he is coming from and have tried to reassure him that he can do other things like bath the baby, pass he baby to me in the night for me to feed then he could change and settle them back down etc.

it's getting no where it's stressing me out and im feeling aweful. nothing I say helps and the matter will get worse when baby arrives as his parents will jump on board expecting to take the child out for days and overnight. I've tried to explain that after a while and Bf is established could possibly express then they can do as they please and take it out for hours etc.

Sorry it's long and rambley but has anyone faced these issues and how did they work out. Is there anything you do to make it work? I'm sure it cannot be a horrid process or people would not chose to breatfeed.

Thanks for any help in advance

Tell him that breastfeeding is better for the baby than formula. Surely he wants only the best for his child? There's plenty of other things he can do with the baby-change him, bathe him, take him out for walks, cuddle him etc etc.
He seems to be focusing solely on himself and I would try to nip it in the bud if I were you.

goodness, he sounds a bit immature - is he usually a bit 'me me me' or is this a new thing? (sorry, don't want to sound harsh)

tell him you are both, as parents, going to have to focus on the needs of the child, not your own (at least initially). And that bf is how you will be meeting the baby's nutritional needs

To be honest I would stop trying to reassure him now, sounds like he's not listening anyway. You are right, there are plenty of ways for him to bond with his baby and be part of the whole experience. even if you were bottle feeding I doubt very much that you would want to away from your newborn overnight or for any long stretch of time.

Tell him to grow up!

Poor you. Sounds awful, in laws sound a bit like mine were. I was SO glad I BF, they couldnt take him off for more than a few hours, such a relief in the early days when you are trying to bond and dont want anyone taking your baby away! (that passes...).

As for your DP, well I BF exculsively and my DP had LOADS of hands on involvement. BF is just one small part of bringing up your child. Mine used to come to me, BF, then scream to go back to daddy for more playing- I'm sure yours will find the same!

he sounds like he is very insecure and there is more to it. my jaw would hit the floor if my dh said anything like any of those statements. just keep telling him there is more to looking after a baby than feeding it.

unfortunately it will be tough for you if he is not supportive. i have been through many tough phases while bf and the only way i coped was knowing dh supported me 100% i.e left me alone to get on with it! bf is can be really, really hard work and will take a couple of months for things to properly settle down. then there will be growth spurts!

why does he have to have baby all to himself for several hours in one go? why does he have to take baby to see his family without you? tell him if he wants to bond with baby then he can do all the nappy changes, baths and carry it in a sling all day.

There are all sorts of ways he'll have to learn it's Not About Him. He'd better get used to it - this'd be a good place to start. Can your midwife have a word with him? Are there any dads to be classes going on in your neck of the woods?

What DP CAN do:

Change baby's nappy
Bath baby
Burp baby
Cuddle baby
Sing to baby
Dress baby
Take baby out for an hour or two in sling
Push baby around in pram
Massage baby
Talk to baby
Take baby to "new dads" group at the weekend
Choose toys/clothes/books etc for baby
Feed baby expressed milk in a bottle

What DP can't do:

Breastfeed baby

Sounds like he might be feeling a bit insecure about the whole "new baby" thing. Would some more general reassurance/discussion (not just about feeding the baby) help?

I wonder if this Daddynatal website might be of any help?

Maybe you could just happen to leave it on your computer for him to see.

This leaflet from the ABM is also a good one for the grandparents to be.

Hope all works out for you.

My DP was a bit negative about breastfeeding before I had DD - not to the extent of your DP but definitely enough to irritate me. After a few rows conversations it turned out that he was worried about not bonding with the baby and being a rubbish dad as a result. When I was pregnant he struggled to feel attached to the baby/bump. He admitted that it freaked him out to feel the baby move and none of it felt real to him - he was a bit jealous that I already had a connection with the baby and I think he thought that if I bf then he would feel even more left out and useless. I told him he could change nappys and dress/bathe the baby but I think that those kinds of jobs seemed scary when he had never held a baby before but feeding looked easy.

He agreed to support me though and once DD arrived he realised that he could spend loads of time holding her and having cuddles without the feeding (he'd never been around babies and couldn't picture what he would do other than feeding) and it turned out that he was far better at bathing her and getting her dressed than I was. In the end I fed her for 10 months and he was really supportive and has already suggested I do it again with DC2 (no faffing with bottles ).

Is this out of character for your DP - maybe he has the same concerns???

Also, perhaps you could suggest that you "try" BF at the start and see how it goes for the 3 of you, rather than openly committing to doing it for 6 months/a year/2 years/however long? I suspect once baby is here he will see all the ways he can bond with him/her, and feeding will not be such a big issue for him anymore...

Its a shame your DP is getting so caught up on this by the time baby arrives he'll be so sleep deprived he wont care which way your feeding it. I think he has unrealistic expectations of taking a newborn for a 3hour journey and as for the grandparents having little one over night you don't have to agree to this I think its very unusual for young babys to sleep away from home.

To be fair I don't have a partner so can't really see it from that point of view but I just think newborns are designed by nature to be with their mother and yes dads can bond and do other things with them but they don't really come into their own until baby is a bit more robust and they can play and run about together. In which case mum becomes the 'boring' carer and dad becomes exciting and lets them get away with things mum wouldn't.

My DD is 2 and still breastfed and nobody has had her overnight the only time she is away from me is if she is having contact visits with her dad and occasionally my parents will take her to the park if I have things to do or am ill.

However, if he doesn't get over this fixation and negativity you may find it very hard especially if you have issues with establishing feeding or are in pain (in which case come on here and get some advice) its very difficult to continue to do if you don't have the support of those around you.

Unfortunately my exDH was like this - lots of other issues too but that's another story.

To my shame, I gave in to him to keep the peace and it was me that was up during the night, every night, heating up milk, changing nappies and feeding.

Long story short, got rid of him, re-married a lovely man who encouraged me to breastfeed as best for baby and after a sore start realised it was the best thing I could do for baby and now regret bottle feeding the first brood.

Plus now that I've done both I can confirm that with breast feeding the bleeding clears up much quicker and weight really does drop off - plus no faffing with sterilising bottles and heating up in middle of night.

If it offers him any reassurance, I bf for 15 months and my DD is turning into a real daddy's girl. You can express if he is desperate to feed baby, but there are lots of more important things he can do to bond with baby, bathing and playing, cooing, cuddling to sleep (babies love men's deep voices).

I was actually thinking about this last night as she snuggled into daddy's shoulder to sleep, but I know that the security and start I gave her by bfing and attachment parenting has made both her and I secure enough in our connection that there is no jealousy on my part that she prefers daddy snuggles to mummy snuggles.

If you need shock tactics just google 101 reasons to breastfeed.

Wow thank you do much for all the replies.

notnowbeard on the subject of him being all about him him him. He has told me today he feels envious/ jealous about the baby as its taking me away from him already. By this he means I cannot sleep properly on top of millions a lot of toilet trips in the night I can't get comfy and often go and sleep in the spare room so I can get a decent couple of hours kip. What brought that to a head was him finishing work at 2am and sleeping in the spare room because he knew I would be a grump if he woke me. So I wonder if maybe he also thinks the baby may hog me?? Who knows

naturalbaby reason for him wanting to take baby alone to see family three hours away as would just be nice to do it alone sometimes. But mostly im not so much speaking to his parents at the moment they reacted brutally in front of me in my own home when we told them we were expecting. 'oh god christ' then walked out amongst other things said non of which pleasant. I have told him I have no intention of stoping our child seeing them or being with then myself when the baby comes but for the time being I feel very hurt and upset they have still not spoke to me since so for a week or two I would just prefer to remove myself from situations where I no I will feel awkward in there presence.

crikeybDger thanks for the links I can see the leaflet being a god send I have already been called mean for suggesting the baby not have dummies to start with for the reasons mentioned.

It wouldn't even be so bad if they had any idea what Bf was how it works but I feel like im being criticised for things they no nothing about. I have offered him leaflets etc on BF but he says he will not read them

That should be not being around them myself silly iPhone. Basically tried to reassure him I won't avoid them forever I just need a week or so to get over the reaction of his parents to what I believe to be our good news

:( the baby will hog you.
it'll hog you both.

It'll take up more time from both of you than either of you thought possible.
but it will get better.
He is fixating on the BF because it's the only thing he can't help with, but it sounds like he is struggling with the concept of the all-consuming nature of parenthood.
Once the baby's here, he'll see how much he gets to do, and that the baby won't be taking you away from him.

What a nightmare for you :(

TBH this isn't about breastfeeding. No matter how you feed your baby you will want to nurture him (assume I mean /her here), be with him, mother him, not let him out of your sight for a moment - forget 3 hours or overnight.

The Grandparents have had their babies. Now it's your turn.

Your DP is having the heebies about bonding which is understandable, and pretty common. But he's being pretty mean and selfish in how he's dealing with it and what you need when you have a baby is support. There are a number of support and advice places suggested already which I think would be a good way to start.

He feels jealous about an unborn baby. How sad. And how worrying.

I hope that one baby is here he has feelings of unconditional love etc which change his attitude. However I fear he might get more jealous/envious.

I think he's confusing feelings of jealousy with feelings of worry and fear.

My DH was very happy to support my breastfeeding - from the comfort of the spare bed for the first few weeks . It was a bit of a standing joke how he had happily supported me whilst secretly being chuffed to have got off lightly, certainly in terms of sleep deprivation.

Seriously though, as others have said, his input will be vital in so many ways. Plus I doubt you would want to be separated from baby for long periods of time, whether you are bottle or breast feeding.

Hope it all falls in to place for the three of you.

Hmm I think maybe stop trying to reassure DH. Mine was a bit similiar to this and no amount of convincing him how it will be will work as you have nothing to compare it to. Once the baby arrives, everything clicks into place and you both find your roles. It truly isn't about breast feeding, its about his role in the babies life and he's latching on (excuse the pun) to feeding as pushing him out.

My DD breastfed 2 hourly until 6 months (thats not usual) and I couldnt express anything. DH took her when she was 2 weeks old for 2 hours round asda! I was desperate for sleep and so he bundled her into a pram suit and says he killed two hours in one shop! Another time I got mastitis and I felt so so ill, I lay on the sofa and he brought her back every two hours to feed but took her out over the day. You find a way.

Everyone is right when they say he can do other stuff, and do not discount how strongly you will feel about being apart from the baby.It's easy to say "Don't worry I'll express and you can take it out with your parents". I thought that but then I would have been going loopy without DD near me or knowing when she would be back. I felt the physical detachment.

The only person who breastfeeding really did push aside was MIL. She used to make comment "are you still feeding?" "Can't I give her a bottle yet?". When DD cried she would take her off into the garden and my let down reflex would make my boobs feel like they were crawling as DD crying would make my body go a bit mad.

Honestly. Your best bet is to state your reasons for feeding and primarily this should be about the best nutrition and antibodies available to your baby. Then wait and see. DH will get so wrapped up in his own role with the baby feeding won't come into it. I used to let DH bath DD, his job. Feeding, my job. Everything else shared.

I find your dp's attitude worrying tbh, but there is lots of good advice above.

The only thing I would add is, do you think he's kind of preempting himself being a bit useless when the baby comes by saying things like he might as well not take paternity leave? I think he is making excuses in advance for being lazy, you know, in the same way that men people do a rubbish job of things round the house so they won't get asked to do it again?

Just a thought. Rest assured that there are plants of things he can do besides feeding. My 9 mo ds is ebf and my dh and him have a fabulous relationship.

I would be quite worried if my DH was showing real signs of resentment before our first baby was born.

Is he pretty selfish generally?

toddle sorry to hear it's a bit tricky at home! What makes the situation so much harder is that he is refusing to read anything about the benefits of BF, I guess you can play it two ways, leave the subject for a while and hope he becomes more flexible as he gets more comfortable with the idea of a baby or if you don't want to wait/he keeps bringing if up, drip feed him with facts about BF. I can't think of any benefits of FF. Could you suggest spending the cash you'd have spent on FF on baby swimming classes for dad and baby? A nice bonding treat for them.
Please come and join us on the grads thread, we miss you!