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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Dp seems very against me BF baby. Help or advice?

71 replies

toddle · 15/11/2011 14:11

Hello I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I guess some people on here will have a idea that may help.

I really want to breast feed baby when he/she arrives. For lots of reasons really so I can't pin point my biggest case for it.

As the weeks go by Dp is becoming much more negative about the idea and I'm getting snide comments such as - 'doesn't matter when he takes paternity as he can't do anything anway', 'feel like you won't trust me as you will have to be with me everywhere do can't take baby alone'. He feels like the baby won't like him, he won't be able to bond, take the baby to see his family on a three hour one way journey without me, I'll be pushing him away because I'll be doing everything.

In some ways I see where he is coming from and have tried to reassure him that he can do other things like bath the baby, pass he baby to me in the night for me to feed then he could change and settle them back down etc.

it's getting no where it's stressing me out and im feeling aweful. nothing I say helps and the matter will get worse when baby arrives as his parents will jump on board expecting to take the child out for days and overnight. I've tried to explain that after a while and Bf is established could possibly express then they can do as they please and take it out for hours etc.

Sorry it's long and rambley but has anyone faced these issues and how did they work out. Is there anything you do to make it work? I'm sure it cannot be a horrid process or people would not chose to breatfeed.

Thanks for any help in advance

OP posts:
LoveBeingAFirework · 15/11/2011 16:48

Oh dear not what you need is it. Feeding is only one part of caring for a baby, and after a while you will be able to express and he can go out if that's what he wants. The fact is they are tiny for such a small time even if not bf would you want the baby going off with him or the gp?

LoveBeingAFirework · 15/11/2011 16:51

Took me so long to reply threads moved on a bit.

If he's not even prepared to read the leaflets and is already upset the baby is taking over I'm wondering what he's going to be like when the baby's actually here.

recall · 15/11/2011 16:52

Its not about him and his needs

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 16:56

Unfortunately breastfeeding can be a bit of a struggle the first week or so. If you haven't got the support of a partner its going to be even worse. Is he likely to be there saying "give the baby a bottle" as you're struggling with latching on, etc?

ohanotherone · 15/11/2011 17:00

Tell him to grow the fuck up. He would prefer your child to be put at risk of obesity, grastroenteritis, allergies, diabetes etc and you to be more at risk of ovarian cancer etc all for what amounts to a very short time in the baby's life. Really, what is his game??? Oh yes, it is the selfish fuck game. You may as well get the formula in, he will undermine you all the way anyway. What a selfish fuck.

My DH works away in the week and I breastfeed and that doesn't stop DD 3months loving her Daddy! DS aged 5 also loves his daddy and he was never bottle fed by him either! FFS!

DuelingFanio · 15/11/2011 17:04

"take the baby to see his family on a three hour one way journey without me"

this really is very unreasonable and also you need to tell him that his family and your family will not be taking the baby overnight for a long while!

Stasi · 15/11/2011 17:16

toddle I don't think you should focus on how unreasonable and selfish your DP is. He is the man you love, and you are both having a baby together. He's finding it hard to adjust, but hopefully with patience and understanding you can get through this together. Relationships settle down into a routine, and people value certain aspects of this. Maybe cuddling at night is one of the ways your DP feels loved.

Remember also all the 'jokes' about babies replacing the man in your life. You won't be interested in sex, you won't have time for him, will shout at him if he goes to the pub, be generally unreasonable and horrible. These are stereotypes seen in 'comedies' and bantered around in the pub with male friends. You need to try as much as you can to assure him there will still be time for the two of you, that the baby won't become an obstacle that keeps him away from his beautiful wife/partner, and turns her into a hormonal monster.

If I were you I would suggest that you agree to breastfeed to begin with, as there are many well known health benefits to getting those first few breastfeeds done. I wouldn't make a point of enforcing your intention to breastfeed forever - you just don't know how you will both really feel until the baby arrives. Maybe you will choose not to breastfeed, or to combination feed formula, expressed milk and breastfeeding. Agree to wait and see, and try and relax about the breastfeeding.

Also, do you ever cuddle with your DP where you lean back on him? If you can imagine holding and bf your baby, while leaning back against your DP, who can look over your shoulder down onto baby right beside you. You will both be in babies eye line, and both be able to share the joy of those snuffles and suckling noises.

Over everything, talk to your DP.

RufflesKerfluffles · 15/11/2011 17:19

If he won't read leaflets, perhaps think about the specific benefits of bf in your situation, rather than all the different ones. E.g. In our family we have eczema and diabetes, so the protective effect against these is what I would have talked about. I hope you get this sorted; my DH helped and encouraged me massively in the early weeks.

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 15/11/2011 17:20

Do you have a large circle of friends OP?

Do you see a lot of your family?

I'm wondering whether this is the beginning or continuation of control.

Pekka · 15/11/2011 17:20

I do see your DPs point of view, OP. Some mothers take total charge of handling the baby. A good idea would be to talk about "trying" the breastfeeding. Does he know about expressed milk?

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 15/11/2011 17:21

And when you get your baby it is unlikely you will want it awway over night for quite sometime.

How long have you been with your partner?

naturalbaby · 15/11/2011 17:22

if his family are that bad that you don't want to be around them then why do you want your baby to be around them on it's own (with your dh)? if their reaction to your pregnancy was that bad then how will they be kind and understanding to your baby when it arrives? your dh's family is you and his baby and you 2 should come first. your needs and wishes as a mother should come first, and if bf is best for you then he should support that.

if he's not even going to listen to why it's important to you then i'm afraid i just see red flags. on top of everything else why buy bottles and formula if you don't have to?

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 15/11/2011 17:29

He sounds like a petulant child.

Carlitawantsababy · 15/11/2011 17:38

Well put stasi

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 17:40

If you do bottlefeed is he likely to do half the feeding? I ask because the horrible controlling DH of my friend insisted she bottlefeed her son because of similar silly reasons as your DP. In the past 14 months the only time he has fed the baby is in front of his own mother, who of course has showered him in praise before insisting on taking over. He hasn't done a single nightfeed and the resentment she feels over it has brought their shit relationship to the stage that she is seriously considering divorce. I'm not saying you're in a similar position by any means, but you do need to think carefully about his reasons for being so horrible to you.

Moulesfrites · 15/11/2011 17:41

I don't think it is a good idea to talk about "trying" breastfeedin, actually. I think the tentative and doubt filled way we approach bf in our culture is probably one of the reasons for our terrible bf rates. People always asked me if I was going to " give it a little go?" with a dubious tilt of the head, and I always thought, no, I'm going to bloody do it!

I know people have problems that can't be overcome with just sheer determination, and they do need more support, but I think if the op wants to bf she will need to be clear that she is determined to do it as otherwise in those difficult early weeks her partner may undermine her further.

StarlightMcKenzie · 15/11/2011 17:44

It's them fecking formula adverts that are doing that. Before they came along no man ever felt detached from their babies simply due to not being able to feed them.

Just tell him plainly that he can breastfeed as often as he wants to but breastfed your baby will be. Find and print him off some articles that show how men can lactate if they are determined enough.

Feeding is not the only way to bond and it is a bit infantile to risk the child's health for the sake of the father's 'needs'. Read up lots on skin to skin as fathers can do that really effectively too, and having baths together is brilliant for bonding, as is clearing up sick and changing nappies. They feel like chores but this is usually when you get to know your baby best.

SirBoobAlot · 15/11/2011 17:57

Wow. I don't know where to start. Blimey. Big hugs and tea!

Firstly, the outlaws. They were shit to you. But even if you were the best of friends, would you want your little one so far away? I love ex-DPs family, we get on really well, but I wouldn't want my son 3 hours away even now at 2. I think he's being unrealistic. And exactly what kind of day out is he suggesting he take7 a little baby on?! Again, he hasn't really thought it through.

A bit of a red flag waving for me too. If he's not even willing t6 listen to the benefits, or read some leaflets, plus the actual sentances he has used, sounds controlling to me.

I think next time it comes up, I would get really firm. "You've already told me you don't want me to breastfeed. I am going to. Now you can be supportive and helpful, or you can go and stay elsewhere for the first few weeks. I have tried telling you all the things you can do to bond and interact with little one."

Will he talk about how he feels with reference to the baby, or does he always bring it back to breastfeeding? If not, it may take a bit of twisting the truth from you. "I told the midwife I was nervous about a few things today. Shhe suggested maybe we should write a list of things we are worried about together." that way its not him admitting something first, if that makes sense.

My ex-P is a very selfish man. Admittedly he has always been fab about breastfeeding, but still. That said, he has turned out to be a great dad. We get on well enough to still send time as a family. But it took a while for me to tell him it wasn't all revolving around what he wanted any more. Its hard, regonising the person you love is being an arse.

I would suggest speaking to the midwife about things too. Early days are tough, you don't need anyone - especially your partner - undermining things.

Stand your ground. Best of luck.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 15/11/2011 18:43

Babies do not expect anyone other than their own mother to feed them

The idea that you need to feed a baby to bond with it is bizarre

Babies bonded with dads/ siblings/ gps long before formula was invented

tiktok · 15/11/2011 18:55

It's a real shame when dads feel this way - it's as if they're saying that the fathers of babies who are bf cannot possibly have a loving close relationship with them. That's actually a bit insulting to zillions of families - as well as being totally wrong!

Refusing to read anything about it is just unkind and selfish. I have close-to-zero interest in football, but when dh gets exercised by some article in the paper and says, 'you've got to read this!' then I do! 'Cos it's important to him.

There's something going on in your dp's head, toddle - maybe there is a clue in his family background?

exoticfruits · 15/11/2011 19:15

I would stop discussing it and then just bf when the time comes.

Queenkong · 15/11/2011 19:27

I can understand him wanting to be involved. My DH was so desperate to be included. I have EBF'd from the start and please reassure your DH that there is soooo much he can do. Like wait on you hand and foot for the first 2 weeks for a start! My DH does all baths and stories etc. he also gets up early with DS every morning to allow me a precious few hours catch up sleep - playtime which they both love. When DS was tiny, DH sat up with him sleeping on his chest to allow me to sleep. Once you get past the newborn stage he can take him out (or you can go out) for a few hours. Honestly, he can be so involved, feeding is such a small part of everything that goes on. DS (now 5 months) adores his daddy, he gets all the belly laughs and kisses the little traitor.

ohanotherone · 15/11/2011 21:48

He doesn't sound like he wants to positive though. He sounds like he wants to undermine OP and control her. FUCK!

nickelbabe · 16/11/2011 11:55

very good piece of advice from Stasi
"Also, do you ever cuddle with your DP where you lean back on him? If you can imagine holding and bf your baby, while leaning back against your DP, who can look over your shoulder down onto baby right beside you. You will both be in babies eye line, and both be able to share the joy of those snuffles and suckling noises."

(I'm not allowed to lean on DH at the moment, because I currently weigh about 2 stones heavier than him, and he complains I'm trying to kill him! But I will adopt this idea when I've had the baby)
:)

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/11/2011 12:10

SirBoob has excellent advice here.

And yes, if he doesn't want you to breastfeed because he doesn't want you to form a stronger bond with your baby, won't read anything about breastfeeding and is being this inflexible, then it's really past the point of trying to logically reason with him. Tell him you intend to breastfeed. Tell him that you are disappointed that he can't support his new family over his old. Tell him, don't ask him. Of course it's his baby too. But he's not arguing that breastfeeding is bad for the baby, but bad for him, the father. And bollocks to that, frankly.