Been told to stop bfing by a peer supporter

[TruthSweet]

but I'm not going to listen!

A 'friend' of mine (fellow peer supporter at the same organisation as I am with & school gate mum [she's also a nurse]) has told me to stop bfing as I am too tired.

I have had an extensive LLETZ procedure done 4 weeks ago, a burst ovarian cyst and a 12 day period recently so nothing that relates to bfing but all fairly draining. I am also suffering from 'low mood'/depression atm (not that she knows though) hence the generalised exhaustion.

I am bfing DD2 who's 3.11y & DD3 who's 2.1y (so not 25 times a day and all night like with a newborn type of bfing).

She told me today I need to stop bfing in her 'medical opinion' as I am too tired. She then turned to another school mum I am friendly with and told her 'She's got to stop bfing it's making her too tired'. Other mum looked shocked (don't know if it's because I am 'still' bfing or what).

I have had a word with our group leader but I'm fed up of being told to stop bfing by people who should know better. Peer supporters are not allowed to give advice let alone tell a mother to not bf (especially in front of her children that can understand what she is saying!).

Rant over

Well, she broke about three rules of good peer-support in one go there...

I would ignore her. But try to rest up and recover from your procedure. :(

Maybe she thought that as you were just talking conversationally she was just giving a personal opinion, rather than that you would view it as being from a peer supporter?

She sounds like a dick. Did you ask for her opinion on how you could reduce your tiredness, or did she just give it? And what about confidentiality?

'medical opinion'? I'd report her to get some further training, that is far from helpful.
Does she think a bout of mastitis from cold-turkey weaning would assist your recovery?

Rest, drink, eat, and ignore the ignorant.

How does she imagine that breastfeeding your children is tiring? Do you do it on a treadmill or something?

She has really overstepped the mark and needs some feedback and retraining, I would say. Can you speak to her supervisor?

truth , she was not (or cannot have been) talking as a peer supporter, and as nurses are not qualified in bf support, she cannot have been talking as a nurse (not really). She may have felt she was talking as a (bossy, directive) friend.

Out of order, anyway.

Would it be ok if you said to her, privately and warmly, that you felt seriously undermined and a little bit intruded upon....you accept she meant well, and you know she would never use the same approach in her peer support work blah blah....but you were left feeling unhappy and you want her to know ?

I have spoken to our group leader and she is going to have a word (I think though they regard her as a lapsed rather than active ps).

vlc - How did you know that?? (actually I do the 30 day Shred with both of them bfing in a sling twice a day )

TW - I think she didn't think (or remember any of her training!) but it pisses me off as she knows I am training to be a bfc, I have recently re-trained as a mother supporter (we are LLL trained peer supporters but I wanted to be a bfc and LLL doesn't offer that path way so went through the ABM instead) and normally I do way more volunteering than her (when not ill) so why does she think she needs to tell me to stop bfing? If it was in anyway detrimental to my health/DDs health I wouldn't be doing it as I would know that (or have asked those in the know). However in her opinion as a nurse/peer supporter I need to stop....

Thanks TikTok - you are hit the nail on the head as usual. I always feel a bit awkward pulling people up on things and my mind just goes blank (then is full of things later ). I think I will have a word when I see her next week and hopefully I will be able to speak in coherent English.....

Did she actually say "in my medical opinion"? What a silly thing to say unless you are a doctor talking to a patient. Can't have a "medical opinion" unless you are medically qualified. And even then, just because it's a medical opinion, doesn't mean it's not bollocks. Have to say, you sound like superwoman though - I'd be crying with exhaustion and hiding in my bed after a burst cyst and 12 day period! (which doesn't mean that you should stop breastfeeding... just that I'm clearly a wimp!)

Was she showing off in front of the other mum?

She said 'You've got to stop bfing - that's my medical opinion' and then a few minutes later after the other mum had said hello and asked how I was as she hadn't seen me for a while she butted in with 'She's got to stop bfing - it's making her too tired'.

I cant see why she would be showing off but that doesn't mean she wasn't (though why she thought I'd want her to shout my business to everyone I don't know!)

I am about thisclose to retiring to my bed for a cry and a vat of chocolate but I can't with 2 DDs at home during the day so I am by no means a super woman (plus whilst a 12 day period is long I've had 35 day ones as a teenager before so not too horrific).

i have been told several times with ds2 and ds3 to stop because i am exhausted. ds3 will not go near a bottle and is too young to go without so not really an option! trying to stop made me more exhausted.
i am about to retire to my sofa bed having eaten an obsene amount of caramel shortbread (after finishing the chocolate yesterday).

:(

tiktok's idea is good - you could always write out beforehand what you want to say to make it easier to remember.

You are doing a fantastic job with all your DDs though and you've been brilliant at supporting people on here too (including very recently, IIRC). You should give yourself a big pat on the back and take it easy as much as you can. Can your DH give you a bit of a rest this weekend?

naturalbaby - that sounds yummy - any left over for me?

AngelDog - DH is doing just about everything he can and my mum is round today driving me mad helping. I just need to not be a neurotic mess and stop taking things to heart.

Agree with becstarsky. Medical opinion? Right, whatever.

You keep doing what's right for you and your kids.

A ruptured ovarian cyst and a LLETZ - you've been through a lot! Hope you're feeling better.

Wish people would just mind their own business...

Truth, I should have guessed he was looking after you.

You're not a neurotic mess (or if you are, you've got company ). I'm always the same whenever I'm tired and exhausted.

I'm afraid I agree with your 'friend', although not with her manners.

Breastfeeding causes your body to still produce relaxin and this sometimes doesn't really help the healing process. Breastfeeding can also, in itself, make you tired. It certainly made me very tired and when I stopped feeding my youngest, I felt much better. Furthermore, in some people, breastfeeding can contribute to feeling low - hormonally.

I know these factors don't apply to everyone, probably they don't apply to most people. But they did apply to me and I think that you would be wise to consider whether they apply to you as well before dismissing the decision over whether to stop breastfeeding.

Sometimes, people only see "breast is best". Occasionally it isn't. I will disclaim this by saying I have breastfed for over 2 years.

I shall await my flaming!

I'm not sure that's always true in the long term, whoopee. Hopefully someone who knows more about it will come along, but IIRC tiktok said once that longer-term bf doesn't involve the hormonal system in the way that bf in the first few months / year does. (I think the raised prolactin levels were the biggest change from 'normal' hormonal levels.)

I have joint problems myself which are worse when I'm producing relaxin (during pg and after birth - I know that's the factor as one problem made a dramatic improvement the day I had a m/c) and they have steadily improved over time, which I had attributed to the reduced levels of relaxin in my body (DS is 22 m.o. now and still bfs a lot).

But as I say, I'm no expert, so I'm happy to be corrected on that. :)

...longer-term bf doesn't involve the hormonal system in the way that bf in the first few months / year does. (I think the raised prolactin levels were the biggest change from 'normal' hormonal levels.)

That is interesting, as I have been wondering about that recently. My own issue is the early signs of gum disease, which I understand pregnancy (and bf?) can trigger in many women. I am bf a 2.2 year old, but my periods resumed at about 16 months, so presumably if your menstrual cycle has resumed then the hormonal system has re-stabilised.

It's true that prolactin is nothing like as raised in long term breastfeeding, but other hormones are still active.

The research done on this indicates that for most women, bf is associated with a raised level of endorphins (not a hormone, true) which are mood enhancers and oxytocin (hormone) is always present with bf.

There are some women who have a very unusual, acute reaction to bf, feeling very low when let-down happens.

But for someone breastfeeding long term, I don't think this applies - anyway the OP would have experienced this long before now. In fact what research there is indicates that it's when stopping bf that the depression is more likely to appear - possibly as a result of hormonal changes.

Relaxin and delayed healing - yes, there is some evidence of a link but the last time I looked at this it was controversial. Post surgery exhaustion is very common, as is tiredness from caring for small children - so there are other ways that the OP's life is impacting on her tiredness. There is no reason why breastfeeding, of itself, should contribute to any of this - breastfeeding is a normal, physiological function and when well-established is like breathing or walking. Obv associated stuff like night waking can make you feel tired.

But individuals are individual with individual responses and reactions to physical events - but just as no one would say 'I think you should definitely continue breastfeeding as it does X, Y and Z' , it's more than just bad manners to say the opposite!

Oooooh, I've had a similar situation recently (not surgery or anything so drastic). Drives me up the wall that BF always gets the blame for tiredness. Were you tired before? Probably not. So now the only thing that has changed is the medical procedures and a 12 day period. SO maybe, just maybe, that is what is causing the tiredness.
I hope you make a quick recovery and am glad you've spoken with your group leader. She doens't sound like a good PS.

As far as I am aware relaxin is produced by the deciduous (womb lining) in pg, by the ovaries on ovulation (I guess to help the cervix to open to allow sperm to fertilise said egg), and whilst it is released by breast tissues in pg then the purpose is to grow breast tissue during that pg. I am willing to be corrected on that if relaxin is a hormone released during bfing or if it causes tiredness in some way that I haven't found out about yet.

As I am 2 years post partum, 5 1/2 years past the end of my first pg and I haven't stop bfing or lactating since then, I would think I was in an involutary phase rather than a growth of breast tissue phase.

I can see no reason that relaxin would be produced (except on ovulation) or why it would suddenly make me tired now when it hasn't for the previous 5 1/2 years.....

I do seem to have long recovery periods from GA and I was under for about an hour (should have been 30mins tops) as I had significant bleeding that needed extra treatment, I was in recovery for about 3 hours too and had a lot of morphine.

The excess bleeding plus the 12 day period plus the fact I still haven't stopped bleeding (very scant now) even though the op was done over a month ago plus the 3 periods I have had in about 8 weeks (inc the 12 day one) leads me to suspect anaemia of one kind or another (I am prone to B12, folate & iron anaemia anyway) so I will get it checked out.

Luckily DD3 seems to have stopped night feeds and all of the DDs are sleeping through so actual sleep isn't the issue (am taking painkillers before sleep to help sleep too).

Good grief. I am a nurse and a peer supporter too, and I would hate to think she was daft enough to come out with this tripe. I have seen enough posts on here by you to know that you won't act on the 'advice', TruthSweet

Having young children can be very tiring, certainly. Anaemia is definitely a known cause of excessive tiredness.

I will also hold my hands up and say that on occasion, I have to really be careful to give support/information when I am talking to people, especially friends, and avoid giving 'advice'. When it's not BF related, I will give advice if asked, obviously - arrgh it's a minefield. I am planning BFC training very soon too and I know it's something I need to be very aware of.

Ah, I was getting a bit muddled in my recollections there.

I find that even slightly lowered iron levels has a huge effect on how tired I feel. Mine can be well within the normal range and still cause exhaustion, but then clears up quickly when I take supplements.

Your friend was inappropriate especially when speaking to the other mum but I agree with whoopee. I think there is quite a lot of deni about the fact that bf can be tiring - and especially tandem feeding. It's just hard to get enough nutrients for both your needs and your child's particularly if you are also ill or bleeding heavily. My granny told me to stop because I was tired - dd was two - and I felt annoyed. But In retrospect I wish I had stopped earlier - I certainly felt more energetic when I did. Everyone has to make their own decision of course but your own needs are important and should be considered.

But if it's a case of one kind of anaemia or another then that is easily treated by injections/supplements (been there done that) so why would I cause my children great distress by weaning them for no good reason other than I might feel a bit tired for ever so slightly longer?

It just doesn't make sense to me to do that to them. If anything it gives me a chance to sit down and rest (especially it means I nurse DD2 while DH gets DD3 ready for bed then I nurse DD3 while DH corrals DD1 & DD2 into bed - much more restful for me than him).

Even if I was to wean DD3 easily (ha ha), DD2 needs to nurse at times for pain relief - she has just had a bout of arthritis and has hypermobility syndrome so has joint pain at times - she can only take painkillers with food due to gastritis.

If she wakes in the night in pain I am not going to force her to eat a sandwich at 3am just so I can give her some meds when I could just 'boob' her instead. Same pain relief but with the added benefit we both fall asleep quickly too.