Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Sister's opinion has really shocked/upset me

60 replies

anchovies · 23/12/2005 08:30

I breastfed ds until he was 6 months and am currently pg again. I intended to breastfeed the next one for as long as he/she wants to.

My sister however dropped into a conversation yesterday that she is no way going to breastfeed and she went on to say she thought it was very unfair of me to breastfeed again as it made everyone so uncomfortable around me last time. Admittedly it took me a long while to get to grips with it and I never felt 100% comfortable breastfeeding in front of other people. When I questioned her she said she thought breastfeeding was selfish and doesn't let everyone be involved. All I managed to say was that we were designed like this for a reason but I didn't stand my ground at all as far as the rest of it goes. My mum then joined the conversation and although she didn't directly agree with my sister she made it obvious that she didn't disagree with her (IYSWIM).

I am so irrationally upset about this, it's untrue. I just feel like the plans I'd made about this time (to be more comfortable about my own choice and bfeed wherever and whenever) have been completely ruined. We are a close family and it has really upset me that if my own family think like that, what must everyone else think. How can my own family be so judgemental?

OP posts:
Eaney · 23/12/2005 08:35

I wouldn't even get into an argument with her. It is so clearly your sister who has the problem. I wouldn't even try to justify your choice by listing all the benifits as i think this puts you on the defensive.

If she says anything to you again just say something short and sweet like 'sorry you feel that way but it's my choice' or even shorter like 'tough'.

daisiesinaline · 23/12/2005 08:36

Its up to you what you do! And thats coming from someone who actually didn't like BF and bottle fed. Ignore them I say. Do you what you want. Its your body and your baby. If it makes them feel uncomfortable then thats their problem. Go for it girl.

bobbybobbobbingalong · 23/12/2005 08:36

How old is your sister?

Is she pg?

Why would you want such a bigot involved with feeding your baby anyway?

cathyspamtaslittlehelper · 23/12/2005 08:40

That is a crazy attitude to have! I wish I had more success trying to breastfeed mine and good on you for sticking with it. Your sister is just plain wrong - it is your body, your baby and you are doing the best thing for him - we all know the benefits of breastfeeding! What planet is she on?!!?

brusselsbeansprout · 23/12/2005 08:42

Babies aren't dolls, they aren't there for everyone to take a turn to feed them. You know benefits of breastmilk, keep that uppermost in your mind. Also, the bonding that goes on when you are feeding is far more valuable than anything your sister could offer your baby (frankly). She sounds very young or very uninformed (or both). Please don't let her ignorance deter you from doing what is best for your children.

merryTissmas · 23/12/2005 08:42

I wouldn't want "everyone" involved with the feeding of MY baby. I'd tell her to get stuffed!

Hayls · 23/12/2005 08:43

That is truly dreaful. A lot of my family were a bit nervous and unsure around me when I bf dd but when they saw how comfortable I was they mellowed- alot. FIl was very nervy to start with but at the end (18months) he would come up and talk to me and dd while I was feeding.
TBH I would have been unable to stop laughing at her attitude- if she says anything simlar again I would seriously laugh and say that's a really sill thing for you to say then forget it and move on. Do what YOU want

CorrieDale · 23/12/2005 08:43

anchovies, I really do feel for you! My own sister has been less than supportive about BF, although not nearly as overtly so as yours. It's gut-churning, isn't it? But from the depth of my experience in dealing with a very controlling sister, I have adopted a policy of just saying "not an option" when she recommends formula or early weaning. And then I change the subject. And then, of course, I fret about it for days and days. Is your DH supportive? If so, let off steam to him - it always makes me feel better to do that because I realise that my first family is really important to me and I don't intend to fall out with them about this or any other issue, but my DH and DS are MY family - the ones I turn to in times of trouble and who don't want to control me or interfere.

PantomimEDAMe · 23/12/2005 08:44

What's selfish about giving your baby the best possible nutrition for him or her? The one that your body is designed to make especially for your baby? What's selfish is other people wanting your baby to miss out so they can get in on the act. Or people wanting your baby to miss out because they feel uncomfortable. Your baby's needs come way ahead of the momentary discomfort felt by grown adults who should know better, or at least have better manners.

She's barking, on this topic at least. Is she pregnant? Does she have children of her own? If not, she really doesn't know what she's talking about. If she has, maybe she's feeling guilty.

PantomimEDAMe · 23/12/2005 08:45

Meant to add, the person with a problem here is your sister, not you! As for your mum, maybe she was trying to keep the peace. Or maybe she's just reacting to the fact that her generation of mothers were encouraged to bottle feed. When my mum was in hospital having me, they came round the next day with an injection to dry up your milk. Mad. Thank God we know better now.

wewishyouamerryKITTYmas · 23/12/2005 08:47

I had a similar experience in that my Mother told me that I was being a bit selfish feeding DD herself in that no one else could do it!!! I've never listened to her anyway and to everyone else she was raving about me BFing (I was the first in our family to do it). I think they were all surprised that I could feed a baby with my boobs for 6 months without her needing formula.

Had a few experiences especially with my brother who at first felt very uncomfortable with me feeding in the same room as him but he's quite immature and I think he thought I was sitting with my whole boob exposed, once he realised that he couldn't actually see anything he got a bit better but I bet you this time (I'm due in 3 weeks) he's still a bit uncomfortable.

TBH and this is me I would say sod off I'm feeding MY baby as nature intended and if anyone is uncomfortable with that they don't need to watch. I can understand why your upset though, Bfing is hard enough without having no support.

Good luck

XmasPud · 23/12/2005 08:47

Ok - about to risk being crucified...
I admit, sometimes I feel uncomfortable around some bfing mums as to me it doesn?t seem natural - getting my boobs out in public feels on a par with a male friend dropping his pants! - but would never ever dream of saying it to anyone, let alone to someone close and prgnant. It is my personal hang up and keep it to myself. It is also reason why I stopped bf early - just couldn?t do it in public or even in front of close family other than DH. I think your sister is very very insensitive and rude to have said this to you.

Original poster
anchovies · 23/12/2005 08:48

I know that I shouldn't let it affect me but for some reason it really has. She is 24 and I honestly would never have expected her to feel like this, let alone say it. The conversation started by the way with her commenting on all the pro-breastfeeding posters in the doctors by saying she thought it was really unfair to put all the posters up because it should be the mothers choice. I found that very scary.

OP posts:
harpsiheraldangelssing · 23/12/2005 08:48

what a twonk (and that is putting it mildly)
she's being irrational, unreasonable and utterly utterly stupid frankly. really for you
you must try to be indifferent to it if you can - rise above it.
i know that's easier said than done.

XmasPud · 23/12/2005 08:50

Sorry
I know that I probably come across as immature for saying that public bf makes me uncomfortable but I am just being honest. I fnd it hard to act totally relaxed and carry on the conversation as if they got out their glasses, not their boob. Ridiculous but true.

Caligyulea · 23/12/2005 08:51

Anchovies, why don't you do an archive search on breastfeeding and print off some of the threads to show your mum and sister, explaining to them that after your conversation with them, you thought they'd be interested to read some of this as it contains a lot of information that they may be unaware of.

Their attitude is born of ignorance, and like most people who are hostile to breastfeeding, they probably haven't got the tiniest idea of just how uninformed they are. Education is the only answer to attitudes like this, but I don't think you're emotionally up to lecturing them! Let Mumsnet do it for you...

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 23/12/2005 08:52

This makes me feel so sad for you...what a completely self-obsessed person your sister must be - as if the way you feed your baby has anything to do with her or anyone else on the planet. I do hope you can make contact with other breastfeeding mother (there are always local groups) as having proper support from people around you helps so much - so sorry your family can't provide it for you.

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 23/12/2005 08:53

Xmas Pud - how you feel is your business - you have said you would not impose your views on anyone else - unlike anchovies' sister...

SantaClausFrau · 23/12/2005 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anchovies · 23/12/2005 08:59

I don't think she feels like that because she doesn't know the whole "breastfeeding is best" thing though, I think she honestly just doesn't want me to breastfeed around her. I'm not sure to be honest whether there is anything that will change that. I completely understand how you feel xmas pud I just never expected my sister to say it to me (especially not now with a couple of weeks to go!)

I think the breastfeeding groups thing is probably a good idea as last time although I didn't know any breastfeeding people, I didn't know any opposed to breastfeeding people either. And I found it hard enough last time.

OP posts:
beejay · 23/12/2005 09:00

I suspect she is jealous.

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 23/12/2005 09:02

If your sister doesn't like to see you breastfeeding then she can leave the room / house / country while you are doing it (depending on how offended she feels )

Do look for a support group - it helps a lot when you feel you are swimming against the tide.

brusselsbeansprout · 23/12/2005 09:06

It's sad that people still find b/f shocking or offensive and attitudes like your sisters just perpetuate this as yet another mother is asked to feel ashamed about what she is doing. I find this bizarre but it's true.

It's men who have sexualised our breasts to the point that people think they shouldn't

brusselsbeansprout · 23/12/2005 09:08

sorry, ds hit the post key!!

As I was saying....! to the point that a lot of people think that they shouldn't be used for anything else.

Caligyulea · 23/12/2005 09:10

Well quite - if she just doesn't want you breastfeeding round her, she can leave the room, not expect you not to feed your baby.

A lot of people know the topline "breast is best" message and accept it, but the "bottle feeding is near as dammit" message has been so drummed into us from such a variety of sources, from marketing to the medical profession, that the breast is best message is undermined and bf is seen as being the icing on the cake, rather than the cake. Real knowledge of bf, such as is to be found on this forum, is very rare in RL.