Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Sister's opinion has really shocked/upset me

60 replies

anchovies · 23/12/2005 08:30

I breastfed ds until he was 6 months and am currently pg again. I intended to breastfeed the next one for as long as he/she wants to.

My sister however dropped into a conversation yesterday that she is no way going to breastfeed and she went on to say she thought it was very unfair of me to breastfeed again as it made everyone so uncomfortable around me last time. Admittedly it took me a long while to get to grips with it and I never felt 100% comfortable breastfeeding in front of other people. When I questioned her she said she thought breastfeeding was selfish and doesn't let everyone be involved. All I managed to say was that we were designed like this for a reason but I didn't stand my ground at all as far as the rest of it goes. My mum then joined the conversation and although she didn't directly agree with my sister she made it obvious that she didn't disagree with her (IYSWIM).

I am so irrationally upset about this, it's untrue. I just feel like the plans I'd made about this time (to be more comfortable about my own choice and bfeed wherever and whenever) have been completely ruined. We are a close family and it has really upset me that if my own family think like that, what must everyone else think. How can my own family be so judgemental?

OP posts:
alLIOluia · 23/12/2005 09:10

Thanks SCFrau, it's good (but hard) to be reminded of that struggle.
Anchovies, I was a bit crap at b/f discreetly and the whole (enormous) boob had to come out on each occasion and I'm sure that even my (very supportive) friends and family found it a bit ugly, but I joined a b/f support group and that was great ? I'm not much of a one for joining in but I recommend it. Gave me confidence. If it makes you feel unhappy bear in mind that it is one small proportion of life and will be a memory one day. Please stick to you guns and good luck.

Original poster
anchovies · 23/12/2005 09:22

Thanks for that LIO will definitely give it a go. I will be onto a winner if I get the same hv as last time as she was an absolute star as far as breastfeeding went and I remember gave me a list of all the local groups (not to mention came round everyday for about 3 weeks until I had cracked it!)

Caligula, you are totally right but I am not sure whether she would understand the subtle difference. This is the girl who when I pointed out that virtually everything other than those posters in the doctors directed people towards bottle feeding just could not get to grips with it. Do people really change their minds? Half of me is so incensed by her attitude I want to tell her why she is wrong and why she has upset me but the other half just wants to hide and never breastfeed in public again.

OP posts:
PrincessPlumPuddingHead · 23/12/2005 09:25

oh for goodness sake if you can't be selfish over your own newborn then what the hell CAN you be selfish over? Not that bf IS selfish, but you know what I mean. Tell her that babies aren't communal property and that if she wants to feed one to give birth to it herself. And you will support her in whichever way she decides to feed it and not hang around providing ridiculously ignorant judgmental criticisms. Maybe she will get the hint!

brusselsbeansprout · 23/12/2005 09:25

lol at "bottle feeding is near as dammit" message!!

WickedWinterWitch · 23/12/2005 09:43

Familes hey? Anchovies, you just have to ignore them and do what you want to do, this is not their decision it's yours. And their attitude is THEIR problem, not yours. I don't blame you for being upset but you really have got to ignore it I think, what are they on?

thecattleareALOHing · 23/12/2005 09:45

Well, I don't think like this. I think your SIL is mad and rude tbh. I think you did brilliantly and you really mustn't let her loony opinion chance your decision.

thecattleareALOHing · 23/12/2005 09:46

And PPH is absolutely right - it's your baby, not hers. If she is so desperate to give a baby a bottle, she can have one herself.

tiktok · 23/12/2005 09:48

anchovies, your sister's attitude and her expression of it are just unacceptable...and sadly not at all uncommon. Babies are seen as commodities to share round the whoe family, like, um, the Christmas turkey

I don't think you will change her by words or by print outs. Your own calm, grown up persistence in doing what you want may soften her a bit.

You might be tempted to say 'which is more important - my baby's long-term health which I am supporting by breastfeeding, or your momentary discomfort and slight feeling of being left out? My baby is a baby - no choice in the matter. My responsibility as a mother is to make choices for him, and to have his interests at the heart of my decision making.'

Good luck.

brusselsbeansprout · 23/12/2005 09:52

When I was feeding ds, someone actually asked me if dp felt a bit left out, so I said he was a 46 year old man who was quite happy with his solid food and had no need of breast milk!!

fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2005 10:04

I've never understood why anybody could be uncomfortable with being around a woman who was b/f. I've done it everywhere, and most of the time (unless I loudly anounce my intention) people have no idea the baby is being fed.
It's nothing like a bloke dropping his trousers in public, I've never flashed any flesh (unless you count the many times when I first started to do it, but family and friends were completely and utterly unpreterbed by it).

FairyTaleinNewYork · 23/12/2005 10:22

it made everyon uncomfortable? to see a baby being fed by the best meas possible? tel lthem to go jump!!

i am still b/f dd3 at 10months old, (shock myself thinking about it), and i was told the other day 'i'm surprised you have carried on as long as you have' tbh its easier than bottles. and its a good excuse to be selfish as possible and keep dd3 nearby lol.

forget what anyone else thinks (hard i know as they are family), by b/f you'll be doing the best thing for your baby, in fact i think you should let everyone become involved and get them tochange all the nappies. surely thats not selfish

MelissasSecretSanta · 23/12/2005 10:25

You do whatever you want to. It is your child & your choice. Your sister is the selfish one by trying to dictate to you what to do. If they are uncomfortable watching you BF then it's them that has the problem, not you.

I don't see how you doing your best for your child is selfish, please don't let her get you down.

puffoeufnog · 23/12/2005 10:31

anchovies, I think you will have to be uncompromising back and tell her that the way you choose to feed your baby is not a matter for debate, as you know what is best for your child and you.

I'd be very upset too at such unsupportive and undermining comments from my family and you need to make it clear how much she has hurt you.

LIZS · 23/12/2005 10:33

Carry on as you planned, it is your choice, and your dh/dp's support which counts, her views come much lower down the pecking order.

I take it she hasn't had kids herself yet ? How can it possibly be selfish to feed your baby yourself !! Let her have her share of the burping, posseting and nappy changes , so she feels more "involved".

saadia · 23/12/2005 11:05

Haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say I am stunned by your family's attitude. It is your choice how you feed your babies, and you will do what you think is best for them.

I really would have expected them to be supportive, but I hope you don't let them affect your decision. If they feel uncomfortable that is their problem. And as for "everyone being involved", surely they should want what is best for the baby.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2005 11:08

"If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you can go somewhere else whilst I feed my baby. I am not prepared to compromise their health for the benefit of your feelings."

Helenemjay · 23/12/2005 11:28

My family is a little bit like this too anchovies, and my mum said something very similar when i was pregnant with ds2, i was sooo mad!!! but like some people have said already you shouldnt have to and dont need to explain your decisions to anyone, its your baby and your choice only!
I did breastfeed ds2 for 6 months despite of their comments and 'looks' and im now breastfeeding dd1, who is just 3 months and they dont really say anything anymore but when dd is fussing my mum will say awww does she need a bottle shall i give her one?!! it just makes me think bllcks to them all she MY baby!!

Enideepmidwinter · 23/12/2005 12:07

tell her to get stuffed. Jealous old bag.

vitomum · 23/12/2005 12:14

feel enraged for you. maybe she is still very ignorant of the benefits of bf (plenty of people are). you could try eductaing / patronising her with some info or leaflets etc. Personally after her evicl comments i would be taking the patronising route for revenge purposes. My SIL who is TTC has already announced that she will not bf. she genuinely does not see the need. when the time comes i will start providing her with info to change her mind - but in a nice way cos she is lovely and was never evil to me when i bf.

SKYLERtnightholynight · 23/12/2005 12:34

Gosh poor you. I am really shocked and angry for you. How very upsetting to hear that from someone you are so close too. You deserve to be upset and it is not irrational at all. Like others have said she is completely mad to say such ridiculous things though. You deserve to be supported and congratulated for breastfeeding. Stick to your guns. It is YOUR baby. She doesn't know what it is to feel for her own child yet. IME the second child grows up quicker than the first too as you just don't have the time to gaze at them etc so feeding your new baby yourself will at least give you back some of this time. Good Luck, and I hope your confidence hasn't been completely knocked by these out of order comments.

wessexgirl · 23/12/2005 12:39

Poor anchovies, your post has made me really upset on your behalf, and more generally upset that people think like this. It's a ridiculous opinion but it's one that women who are afraid of breastfeeding often espouse in order to justify themselves. I reckon it's a defensive position.

Ignore it, as far as you can, or just reply that everyone is entitled to do what they think best for their children.

Also think Caligula's idea about getting the info together is good if you want to have a go at explaining how you feel., best of luck.

moondog · 23/12/2005 12:49

Mad,weird,twisted asnd jealous,and that's being polite.
I really do think some people do feel jealous about the exclusivity that exists betwwen a breastfed baby and a new mother.
It is so balanced and perfect that they somehow want in on it....I've never quite worked out what is going on and don't think I ever will.

Like Xmas Pud,your sister can think what she likes,but for her to voice it to you is so insensitive and nasty.

As an aside,I really wish that every new mother would understand that the dozen willing hands that seem ever willing to help with a new baby in the early days (especially with bottle feeding) will fade away very fast indeed.

Anchovies my poor love,now I never ever do this,but I am sending you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

(Oh,and a restorative snifter of brandy.)

PruniStuffing · 23/12/2005 13:20

Does she have kids? This kind of attitude I find is quite common amongst my friends who have never had a child and simply could not understand what it feels like to feed a baby. Never mind the pro/anti arguments, she might just not have a clue as to why you would want to do it, from a biologically/hormonally determined point of view, iyswim..

Sorry they've been so cruel. If I were you, I'd go into the next post-natal period absolutely unshakeably determined not only to b/feed the new baby but to aim to make it look so easy and to mention how much you love doing it at every opportunity. And if they say you're hogging your child then give them all the nappies to do.

ChunkerXmasCake · 23/12/2005 13:29

It's interesting that the baby you have in a few weeks will be more mature than your sister.

She's being incredibly selfish, you aren't.

Buy her a Tiny Tears for Christmas, complete with bottle. And then ignore her if she whinges - or put her on the naughty step.

Loon.

You're doing the right thing. She's mad.

PruniStuffing · 23/12/2005 13:59

PMSL hunker. You're right, though.
It is also true about the willing hands to feed the baby with a bottle. It felt for me at the time a great relief and now I think 'WTF was I thinking??' then I realise I was a bit of a looon.