Bottle Feeding Guilt - Why Breast is not Best for Everyone

[motherblogginguilt]

Hi fellow mummies,

I had a traumatic time trying to breastfeed my first baby. I was so convinced that 'breast is best' that I did everything in my power to breastfeed my son, unaware that he was getting very little milk. The midwives failed to recognise that my son was starving and that I was beyond exhausted and pushed me to continue trying to breastfeed. I finally stopped when a sensible midwife weighed my son and gave me an ultimatum - formula milk or hospitalise my baby.

I've written my story on my blog: www.motherblogginguilt.com

If you've been through a similar experience, I would love to hear from you. I feel very strongly that the 'breast is best' message can have a damaging effect on new mums and it's time that midwives were trained to put the health of mothers and babies above the need to raise the breastfeeding quotas.

Looking forward to some feedback xx

You're right about midwives and HVs needing more training - at the moment too few can offer any practical help beyond promoting breastfeeding or suggesting formula. It's appalling that no one caring for you noticed your baby wasn't transferring milk properly, and no one helped you, before it got to the point of "hospital or formula"!

I don't think the problem is that breast isn't always best, it's that the NHS puts all this effort into breastfeeding promotion, but isn't backing it up with well trained, knowledgable HCPs who are able to provide support.

Hi OP.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time :( . Realistically, what actually needs to happen is for the midwifery training to include how to support women who want to breastfeed, which as standard it doesn't (there's literally almost no BFing training for either MWs or Health Visitors unless they do extra training).

They are, of course, trying to put the health of mums and babies first by promoting breastfeeding but they are failing badly by doing the promotion, but not the actual support post birth, which is the worst of all worlds leading to mums like yourself going through hell :( And of course the post-trauma that this leads to, depression, etc etc is just terrible. Some mums feel very guilty but they should feel angry at the system that's let them down instead, really, as mums have nothing to feel guilty for - they're just trying to do the best for their baby and their family.

There is a support for formula feeding mums thread on here which you may find helpful, and I would also suggest that you consider talking to a breastfeeding counsellor on one of the phone lines (ABM, LLL, NCT) about your experiences if you want to de-brief as they are there to help you to work through your feelings about all of this.

I agree totally with the two posters above. I am lucky that I live in the Netherlands and the training and support here is so much better. Although I too reached the point of hospital or formula because my milk didn't come in, 2 midwives and a trained lactation assistant worked with me in my home for over a week to make sure that it did. Whilst DH topped DS up with formula I pumped (and cried my eyes out), until they could top him up with expressed milk, and eventually got him back on the breast. I'm still feeding him at 18 months, but I know that if I had been in the UK I would have switched to formula and would never have been able to feed him.

Don't feel guilty - you didn't fail. You were screwed by a rubbish system. :(

crap training of midwives does not remove the bennefits of bf. Sorry you had a rubbish time but imo it is better to campaign for better support than to brush the issue under the carpet with cries of "don't feel guilty" which frankly can come across as a bit patronising.

Quite honestly, having read through your blog post, you say, "Our difficulties, did not spring from a lack of support." and then go on to describe how person after person did NOT support you and let you down. Then the dreadful comments you got afterwards? Bizarre. Disgusting. Horrible. :( I'm so dreadfully sorry you went through that.

But none of this takes away from the facts about breastmilk as they are. It's not right for women who have a choice to not to be given the information to make that choice, for the sake of upsetting those who physically can't, or can't because of a lack of proper help. But really, as I and many others have already said, what is really needed is proper support to help those who can, and want to, to do so. Thank goodness we have the miracle of formula to feed those babies who need it, but let's save it for those who need it (or for parents who choose it), not let it continue to be the default thanks to marketing and culture.

You have had a dreadful time and believe me, I really feel for you. Fighting for improvements to services would be far more productive than trying to undermine the important message about the health benefits of breastfeeding. Or, if this isn't for you, fighting for support for those like you who have been let down - not undermining others who want to breastfeed - would be a constructive way forward.

I hope you find peace, and in the meantime enjoy your beautiful children.

You were let down.

Did anyone explain to you
How to know a good latch from a bad latch?
How to tell when a baby is actually swallowing, not just sucking?
How to use breast compressions to increase milk transfer?
How biological nurturing positions can help?
How many 'sides' to offer at each feed?
How often you needed to feed?
How long / frequent feeds might be?
The difference skin to skin and co-sleeping can make to improving breastfeeding?
How to increase milk production?
How to use galactogogues like domperidone?
How to recognise a sleepy baby conserving energy?
How to tell that milk transfer is insufficient before weighing confirms that?
What formula top-ups do to your milk supply?
How to phase out formula safely and get back to breastfeeding?

Anything practical at all? It seems not. The people you trust to help you with breastfeeding need to know these things, and they frequently don't know ANY of them. But I started reading your blog, and I'm afraid the "sensible midwife" was a twunt, based on your description of what he did, and what he advised you. He destroyed your chances because he didn't realise how ignorant he was, or didn't want to admit it. He didn't have the knowledge to HELP you so he pushed you towards what he knew instead. Why didn't he tell you how to get your own milk into your baby? Because he didn't know.

There is a middle ground between disastrous breastfeeding and switching to formula. It involves FIXING the problems so that breastfeeding WORKS. Your midwives and the infant feeding co-ordinator didn't have the knowledge to
do this, nor the humility to admit that and refer you to someone qualified.

I'm angry on your behalf. But please don't direct your anger against breastfeeding itself. Direct it towards the actions of the people who let you down.

Just going to add to the chorus of midwives, health visitors, gp's etc desperatly need up to date training, right now the NHS pays all this lip service to breast feeding but does not back it up by ensuring staff have the knowledge and skills to actually support families.
Mums don't fail, the system fails them. I would love it if every parent who is let down by bad advice, misinformation and lack of practical skills at the hands of the NHS complained and shouted as loudly as they could untill they are forced to acknowledge the problem and implement change.

BFC's as a rule work for free, are extreemly dedicated and do a fantastic job. There are hundreds of women in the UK who do possess the right knowledge and skills yet no one wants to employ them to do this much needed job so they have to fit it in as volunteers.Because they care passionatly about it. I'd love to see the NHS put their money where their mouth is and stop selling parents short, breast feeding rates matter because of the huge impact lack of breastfeeding has on the health of the population as a whole, the money saved by providing good breastfeeding support would be a phenomonal amount and easily justify the initial expenditure involved in training staff and employing bfc's.
I'm sorry you and so many others do not get the help required to breast feed. But have to agree that the message needs to be one of change, not accepting it and brushing the issues under the carpet. Don't feel guilty, get angry and demand change.

I had a similar experience to you, and suffered from a mild depression because I couldn't feed my own baby. I was heartbroken over it.

I always said I would bottle-feed my second, but actually ran home with him and successfully fed him for a while myself, because I was less stressed and didn't have conflicting advice and people pulling at my boobs all the time. However, didn't do it long 'cos he was really hungry, and I didn't quite know how to build it up. Also (and probably the real reason) had another very small child in the house, and couldn't devote the time I was told I would need to by the 'experts.' I liked the contact we had, and am glad I gave it a go, but I don't think I harmed him in any way by giving him a bottle after a short while.

Four children down the line I have to say for those of us lucky enough to live in the developed world, if you wish to bottle-feed your baby, then that's your business and nobody else's.

I agree that while it would have been lovely and convenient to breast-feed my babies, in the end it didn't happen. I have a healthy, strong, 6 year old, 4 year old and 20 month old twins. I think it's nice if it happens, but STOP TREATING US LIKE SOCIAL PARIAHS FOR USING BOTTLES OF FORMULA MILK!

So there.

(Sits back to await the flaming.)

I agree that the Breast is Best lobby is too powerful. I wouldn't disagree with the basic mesages for one minute but there has to be far more information to sat that formula is also perfectly fine. I have three children and have breasfed two of them succesfully. All three children are healthy, happy and well adjusted and I feel that they have all had an equally good start in life.

The vast majority of mothers use formula milk, so I don't think formula feeders are treated as "social pariahs" Formula feeding is by far dominant in our society, you're more likely to see babies being bottle fed than breast fed.

Hello there. Of course you're right 'breast is not always best', there are far too many variables.

Unfortunately, whilst there is much support on mn, this forum won't offer much.

Try the fearlessformulafeeder on blogspot and Facebook for support, understanding and the de-bunking of myths.

If the comments on this thread start to hurt you, just hide the thread.

the "breast is best lobby" are so powerfull that at 6m a whole 3% of uk babies are ebf (or summat). Wow. I wonder who has the power in the remaining 97%...they could probably do with some support who ever they are.

alpinepony why not join the discussion and share what you have learnt from those links?

I have no interest in breast feeding. Likewise I don't discuss irrigation in Peru. Hth.

not really but never mind

"This forum won't offer much support"?

Speak for yourself. It's been amazing for me and countless others.

If it weren't for this forum far more women would be tackling feelings of regret bitterness and angst. Do you really want to turn people away from some of the best factual information and support around? Does misery really love company that much?

The 'breast is best' thing just means the ingredients.

VLC She chooses not to speak for herself apparently.

Doesn't want to speak up and offer the support she says is so woefully missing. That's great isn't it...

Oh I so agree with you. I was sobbing my eyes out for 2 weeks post delivery thanks to this issue. At each level being made to feel inadequate and almost evil for wanting to move to the bottle. This pushed me into expressing manually and eventually through medela pump for 6 months! I managed to tick that box but got repetitive stress injury from using the pump. I will
Never forget the breast feeding consultant who made me cry watching my hungry 2 day old crying saying when he is hungry he will latch! :(( it makes me well up even now!

Hi again,

I've read through all your messages and I really appreciate your feedback. It seems that despite the differing opinions, there is an overwhelming cry for a change in the way midwives are trained, rather than a change to the 'breast is best' slogan. I take that on board.

Following my son's birth, the midwives were nowhere to be seen, but the community midwives that visited me at home were supposedly trained to teach women to breastfeed, (however, when one suggested I drink nesquick to boost my milk supply, I should have been suspicious!) What they lacked, was an ability to spot when my baby was not thriving.

I also think that the fact I saw a different midwife virtually every day, may have added to the problem, as perhaps each one thought I was having an off day!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I really believe that my body just wasn't up to the job. The trouble is, there is this belief that all women can breastfeed, if they have the right support. But what if this is just not the case?

I'm shocked to hear that midwifery training doesn't include breastfeeding support as standard. That explains a lot!

When I challenge the 'breast is best' slogan, I still believe that breast milk is the healthiest option. I just think that there should be an asterisk with 'for women who produce enough milk/for babies who are thriving etc!' Women who want to breastfeed, who fail at it, are led to believe that not only is breast best, but that there is no other safe and healthy option. This encourages women to continue trying to feed, to the detriment of their health and that of their babies.

BTW I don't believe that the male midwife was a 'twunt'! Midwives are told to hospitalise babies when they lose 10% of their body weight and my son had lost more than that. I was in a really awful emotional state and I think he could tell that hospitalising my baby would have ended up with me being hospitalised too! In my eyes, he was right to feed my son a bottle. The damage had already been done.

I don't usually join these conversations, but I feel the need to answer verylittlecarrot's questions:

Did anyone explain to you
How to know a good latch from a bad latch? yes
How to tell when a baby is actually swallowing, not just sucking? yes
How to use breast compressions to increase milk transfer? yes
How biological nurturing positions can help? yes
How many 'sides' to offer at each feed? yes
How often you needed to feed? yes
How long / frequent feeds might be? yes
The difference skin to skin and co-sleeping can make to improving breastfeeding? yes
How to increase milk production? yes
How to use galactogogues like domperidone? yes
How to recognise a sleepy baby conserving energy? no, I'll give you that one
How to tell that milk transfer is insufficient before weighing confirms that? yes
What formula top-ups do to your milk supply? yes
How to phase out formula safely and get back to breastfeeding? no, I'll give you that one as well

And yet, I couldn't breastfeed. What "breast is best" forgets is that 2% of women do not produce milk. Fact. I am part of that 2%. I did everything. All the science. All the wives' tales. Everything.

Granted, for 9 days my son was in SCBU being fed by a tube and by IV. But I pumped, by hand and machine, religiously for those 9 days, around the clock, just as if he was feeding. I never produced more than 2 oz of milk at a time.

So breast is not always breast. Sometimes breast is impossible.

yes some women do not produce enough milk. But until mw's etc are trained well enough to support those that can bf, many women will struggle to tell the difference between supply issues and confidence issues. And till they are seperated out women with hypoplastic breasts and similar conditions will struggle to have their condition taken seriously and find appropriate support.

Tee2072 Exactly - about 2% of women cannot breastfeed. I've heard that elsewhere. And from your answers you know more about it and had more support than I, and it still didn't work for you. :( But the issue here seems to be about the women that think they cannot breastfeed, as opposed to those like yourself who genuinely couldn't. Women who actually could have fed if given the right support and help - pretty much the remaining 98% if MoonFaceMamaaargh's figures are correct.

Breast is best; there is overwhelming evidence for this. Formula comes second, but many babies have been saved and successfully raised on it being available. The problem is that too many women and their babies who wanted to BF are being let down by the lack of support by medical professionals, aggressive and misleading marketing by the formula companies, and general ignorance and superstition surrounding breastfeeding.

OP - No, not all women can breastfeed, but most can. Maybe you couldn't, maybe you could - you were never given the chance to find out. Please don't challenge the message, but challenge the lack of support behind it. Have you contacted the health authority responsible and told them about your experience? They need to know what went wrong, and where and why in order to change things. If everyone keeps silent, nothing will ever improve.

Tee, I'm sorry about your experience. You have just demonstrated more knowledge than all of the OP's advisers put together. There is no "if only I'd known that" for you. Of course there are a small minority who are physically unable to breastfeed. But many more than 2% believe themselves to be in that group in the UK. A large proportion of those women have fixable problems. They deserve to be given the right information and practical advice.

(Sorry but, on that point, and for the sake of those reading the thread, I just want to clarify that how much one can express is no indicator of actual supply though. There are many women who feed huge babies or twins and can barely express a drop.)

carrot I'm afraid I don't 'get' your snipe re: 'does misery enjoy company"'.

This forum provides support for breastfeeding. For formula feeders it provides angst and perhaps fear and regret for those not able to say 'what a bunch of hocum'.

Time after time under the guise of 'support' comes the retribution (as seen on this very thread). E.g., 'people think they are one of the 2 percent'. 1. It is not 2 percent. 2. How the fucking fuck is that op? It is not supporting her, it is once again telling her that she failed, she didn't try hard enough, she wasn't one of that percentage-snatched-out-od-the-sky statistic.

And you tell me that's support. Ha!