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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Male bonding problems

42 replies

Rubyroolocks · 16/08/2011 21:53

Ive been fully breastfeeding my 3 month old daughter and I have noticed my husband not wanting to hold or play with her much and he sometimes complains that she doesnt like him and says it's because he cant feed her like he did with our first (I expessed a lot but dont want to do that again as it cause lots of problems). I passed her to him tonight for a daddy cuddle as I really want them to spend some time together and as soon as she cried he said "she doesnt like me" and held her in the air towards me as if to say 'take her back'. I told him he needs to try harder to play with her and bond as he is an amazing dad to our first child, but he got upset and stormed out. I dont want to hurt his feelings but am really worried that he will regret not building a relationship with her now and it may affect them in the future. Not sure what to do for the best but without upsetting him. Any ideas?

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 16/08/2011 22:03

I made bathtime Daddytime and took myself right away so that I couldn't interfere (you know how easy it is to say no, not like THAT, like THIS [eyeroll eyeroll])

SnarkHunt · 16/08/2011 22:05

Ah it's really hard. My DH was a bit like that. I found things improved from about 5 months ish when my LO started interacting a bit more with him. She still cries for me after not pong with anyone else, but the grin she gives him when he comes in from work is amazing! Hang on in there!

BaronessBomburst · 16/08/2011 22:31

Just asked DH about this and he pretty much agreed with SnarkHunt without seeing her post.

He said that DS wasn't interesting until he was about 6 months old and starting reacting to the things he (DH) did. He always bathed him and played with him but that was just because that's what you had to do. He also used to complain that because I was feeding him, he got left out. But now I think DH and DS have bonded really well. They've got their own private games, things to laugh about and DS gets really excited when DH's car pulls into the drive from work. DS is 18 months.

So did your DH bond with your first DC from the beginning, or did it develop later? Maybe you're worrying unnecessarily - it just seems to take longer with the dads?

Original poster

Rubyroolocks · 16/08/2011 22:47

Thanks for all the advice, he is very very close to our first dd and when our second was born he mainly looked after her so that I could look after the baby and I think he just hasnt had much chance at it yet. I expressed a lot of milk with my first so he could feed her but looking back my milk flow was way to fast and plentiful and I had leakage and spraying probs for the entire time I fed her and it made it really hard. Now that I'm feeding our second dd from the breast Im not having those problems and its so much easier so I dont want to stop. I'm sure he'll come round eventually but it is difficult for both of us as even though I'm feeling like Im giving her the best food I feel she's missing out on his company and visa versa. It must be hard for men, I cant imagine not being able to feed my own baby.

OP posts:

lilham · 16/08/2011 22:52

I think I have it easier because it's a PFB. My DH does the baths, nappy changes and cuddles DD to sleep. In the weekend, he spoils her rotten by holding her all the time. He really enjoys spending time with her. But I'm guessing you arent asking how fathers can bond with a EBF baby. But rather how to get him interested? I think that'll improve with time when they get more alert and active? We seldom hear fathers who don't like their kids do we?

lilham · 16/08/2011 23:01

One thing we did from the start is have DH put her to sleep. You are right it's too easy to pass a crying baby to someone else but you really need time to bond.

Do you have a sling? How about going out with your DH using one. Would he like that? My DD hates the pram and would only settles going out in the sling

FunnysInTheGarden · 16/08/2011 23:08

This I think is the down side of EBF. The father feels cut off even though the family as a whole is doing it's best. There is a lot said about the importance of mothers BF and the bonding aspect, but less about how the father doesn't have a chance to bond in the same way with his tiny baby.

OP, you will be fine, but I do feel for the fathers in relationships where the mother is less concerned about the fathers feelings.

RitaMorgan · 16/08/2011 23:21

I think fathers can bond without feeding, but they have to want to and want to put the effort in. It's much easier to just hand the crying baby back and say oh she wants a boob without attempting to deal with her in any other way.

Can you give him time with her without the option of handing her back if she cries? Feed her and then take your first dd out for a couple of hours.

AngelDog · 16/08/2011 23:22

I think it's difficult when you have the second child as it's easy for your DH to fall into looking-after-DC1 role while you see to the baby, and then you feel stuck in your ways.

By 3 months even a slow feeder will be spending more of their awake time not feeding than feeding, so I can't imagine that feeding / not feeding would make that much difference by this stage.

I know my DH didn't find DS very interesting at all until about 5 or 6 months, even though they did spend a lot of time together.

SnarkHunt · 16/08/2011 23:41

Pong!? Long!

HerdOfTinyElephants · 16/08/2011 23:50

A father of an EBF baby has plenty of chance to bond in the same way with his tiny baby. But it's up to him whether he takes that chance, and if he hands the baby over to someone else at the first opportunity it's not likely to happen.

But yes, OP, when your DD2 is a bit older (say 6-8 months) the "bonding" will probably kick into gear. He could have the decency to stop being an arse about it in the meantime, though.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 17/08/2011 06:13

imo this isn't an ebf problem, it's a second baby "problem." Your dh is bound to have a different role with this dc as there are two to care for. I don't blame you for not want to add expressing in to the mix. It's a lot of work and looses some of the bennefits of direct bf.

Maybe your dh has forgotten how little you get back from a new baby. He needs to use his imagination a bit more and, i'm sorry to say, he needs to grow up a bit frankly.

Ebf is the best thing for your baby and does not stop a father from bonding. He just has to make an effort and realise it's not all about him.

seeker · 17/08/2011 06:37

Tempted to say "Who's the baby here?"!

DecapitatedLegoman · 17/08/2011 06:41

Second child. Normal, nothing to do with feeding. Gets better in time. :)

Janeymax · 17/08/2011 06:58

Am sure bonding will happen in time. DP has less time with the second as well ( dd2 is 7 weeks) because of dd1. However, he just misses it and we both notice how much less time there is just to stare at the baby. Of course your Dh can bond without bf, but he has to put the time in. I'm not a big fan of settling a crying baby either v cheeky for Dh to hand the baby back.

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 17/08/2011 07:16

also this is not "the down side of ebf" as a pp said. This is the downside of a bottle feeding culture that perpetuates the myth that giving a baby a bottle is how you bond with them (and for financial gain i might add). Sorry. Don't want to turn this into a debate but i could not let that dig slide.

buttonmoon78 · 17/08/2011 07:32

I noticed that too but did let it slide It's not like men are genetically programmed to feed babies is it? Simply a cultural thing.

I don't really know how to help. With my oldest 3 he was fine but dc4 (nearly 5 wks) is v colicky and dh is only here at weekends so time is limited and then ds just shrieks all the time so dh not bonded AT ALL yet.

However, planning to have ds's TT cut on Thursday and then heading off on a fortnight's holiday so looking forward to a bit of daddy/baby time.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/08/2011 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

camdancer · 17/08/2011 07:46

Agree it is a 2nd child thing rather than ebf. It is too easy for DH to just take care of the older child - who he has already bonded with and knows much better. I think you need to leave DH with the baby for a while when you are out - even if just for 30 mins to start with. Something where he has to get on with it rather than pass her back when he gets bored.

My Dh wears DD2 in a sling and loves it. People come up to him all the time to chat and look at the baby.

PrettyCandles · 17/08/2011 08:13

We had pretty much exactly the same problem with our first two dc: dc1 was mix-fed, so dh had a lot of involvement feeding him, whereas dc2 was bf and dh felt very left out and felt he was not bonding with her at all. Fortunately hr brought this up himself when she was about 6-8w old.

TBH I felt quite angry at him - knowing the difficulties I had had feeding dc1, and how I had spiralled down into PND, how dare he feel anything other than joy for us that things were going well, and how cruel of him to want to compromise this delicate new feeding relationship by introducing unnecessary bottles?! Surely him not feeding dd was an acceptable compromise to avoid me developing PND?

But then I thought about it some more, and realised that dh was part of the reason I was OK. It wasn't just that bfing was going well this time, but also the huge efforts dh was making on my behalf. But while I knew I was OK, all dh saw was the exhaustion I felt - which looks similar to PND. There was very little positivity in our house at that time. We felt like we were constantly on exhausted tenterhooks, constantly watching out for the demon depression. Dh needed some happiness, some pure, innocent, cherishing.

I reminded myself that dc1 had managed to combine bf and ff without any nipple confusion, and that dc2 was now much older than dc1 had been when he started on ff, so it was much less likely to compromise bfing.

So I decided to unclench and let dh have the opportunity to feed dc2. As I'm not a good expresser, it would take me several sessions over several days to get enough for a good feed, which limited the bottles to once or twice a week.

It was an acceptable compromise. Did not affect our breastfeedi g relationship at all (bf/ebm until weaning, then continued bfing until 24m) and gave dh such joy and a huge boost.

I also backed right out of the bathtime. Left dh completely alone with the dc until he called me back for dc2's bedtime feed.

HTH

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/08/2011 08:23

I could have written this post about both of our DC but DH couldn't be a better Dad to them now.

When they were small he gave them to me at the first niggle, I think he thought that I could settle them straight away so why even try and he felt secondbest.

What I did do though was make bathtime DH's job. This is a lovely way to bond with DH, there really is no need for him to feed your DD to bond with her. Could he do the nappies too when he is around, or get up with her some mornings so that you can have a lie in?

Could you also ask him to have DD2 for half an hour while you spend time with DD1? Tell him you'll be in another room if he really needs you but you feel like you are missing DD1 and would like to spend some time with her even if its just giving her a bath or reading some stories.

Please don't worry though, my DH is living proof that their is nothing at all to worry about

Muser · 17/08/2011 11:28

Could he learn baby massage and do that as a way to bond? That's what my DH did. I went to the classes, taught him in the evenings, and he did all the massaging. Now he does the bedtime routine apart from the feed. Bath, massage and story. She's our first so a different situation to yours, but I think the massage has definitely helped him. Although now she's 6 months she thinks it's all a great game and rolls over and over and over while you try to do it.

chillikat · 17/08/2011 14:30

Bathtime and massage is daddy's time here too. Initially due to c-section I couldn't bend to do baths but 21 weeks on i see it as their time together. She LOVES massage and will get really excited and smiley about it which is lovely to see.

orchidee · 17/08/2011 15:49

Just that.

The argument is as ridiculous as saying that partners miss out on bonding because they can't be pregnant.

I have a 3 month old who doesn't know what a bottle is. DP hasn't even suggested that he is being disadvantaged.

Babies bond with the people who make them feel safe and secure. I've bonded with friends' babies who are also EBF.

PrettyCandles · 17/08/2011 16:12

What a lot of you are missing is that the way Rubyroo's dh learned to bond with his dd was by feeding her. It is quite different with a first dc, or even with a second when the dad has never had the experience of regularly feeding his baby. Men are just as programmed as women to look after their offspring, it is just that it is generally expressed differently. Men may not have the same organs as women, but they, too, secrete oxytocin as part of bonding and love. They, too, can feel the intense emotions that a woman can feel while bottle-feeding their child.

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