Male bonding problems

[Rubyroolocks]

Ive been fully breastfeeding my 3 month old daughter and I have noticed my husband not wanting to hold or play with her much and he sometimes complains that she doesnt like him and says it's because he cant feed her like he did with our first (I expessed a lot but dont want to do that again as it cause lots of problems). I passed her to him tonight for a daddy cuddle as I really want them to spend some time together and as soon as she cried he said "she doesnt like me" and held her in the air towards me as if to say 'take her back'. I told him he needs to try harder to play with her and bond as he is an amazing dad to our first child, but he got upset and stormed out. I dont want to hurt his feelings but am really worried that he will regret not building a relationship with her now and it may affect them in the future. Not sure what to do for the best but without upsetting him. Any ideas?

Appreciate PC that his way of bonding with his first DC was through feeding but Ruby has explained the problems this caused her. Surely he is mature enough to can see that he needs to find another way.

And perhaps she needs to reconsider the issue, too. The baby is now 3m, her supply will have settled down, and the same problems may not recur. Her dh is not being juvenile in wanting to recapture the delight he felt in feeding his child.

Pretty not everyone has an easy time expressing though, I found feeding very easy but expressing was horrendous for all sorts of reasons, plus now she has to look after two DC, the last time she only had one to consider.

Think maybe she could reconsider how she handles her DH instead.

I didn't either. It would take me several days to express enough for a feed. If Ruby's dh wants to feed the baby he will facilitate her expressing. Besides, she doesn't need to do it every day, and maybe a different technique would be easier. What will they do if she wants or needs to be away from the baby for several hours?

It is a perfectly reasonable option to consider.

A member of the family is unhappy about the family dynamic. The reasonable thing to do is to treat him with respect and consider all the options to see what can be done. Insisting that he just has to accept the status quo is unreasonable.

And what if the baby couldn't feed from a bottle for some reason, would he still be reasonable by claiming he couldn't possibly bond any other way?

I think bathing the baby actually in with Dad is wonderful. I could never do this with DS as he'd immediately latch on and we'd end up in there for hours with the water going all cold. What more could he want - skin to skin, baby is calmed by the warm water and his heartbeat, and only he can do it. He can also see the development happening over the weeks as she learns to hold her head up, sit up, or cruise in the water, often earlier than on dry land, and this translates to water confidence when swimming (and can switch to swimming trips with Dad when they are too big to share a bath, too)

It might be a bit more effort to bond if a father's not feeding the baby, but really if he wants to bond, he should be the one putting the effort in. It's unfair to expect everything to fall into your lap and the mother to do the running for you.

I really think the feeding thing is a huge red herring. We've had the same issues but neither of mine ever accepted a bottle, so DH's attempts at feeding were fraught sessions of trying to coax a pissed off baby to take a teat. So I did the breastfeeding, DH did the nappies and some baths, and his share of the moonlit sling walks with the colicking baby. DH now has great relationships with both of ours, and is by far the favourite, most exciting parent.

I think bringing expressing into this mix is a bad idea, to be frank, because of the associated hassle and pressures that can put on a mother. I don't think it's wise to tell the bloke to wise up - he may be behaving in a crap manner but he's obviously bothered by the situation and a bit of empathy and some practical stuff (sling suggestion is a fab one), along with some time, will solve the problem beautifully.

DecapitatedLegoman - sorry, offtopic, but I have to say, what a fantastic name!

pretty the op has done more than consider expressing. She has done it with a previous dc. For a grown man to say of his three month old daughter "she doesn't like me"...that is what is unreasonable here tbh not to mention petulant, childish and several other adjectives.

With new dc's come new circumstances and we all have to learn to do things differently. It is absurded of the op's dh to expect op to go to that much effort so he can use the same bonding technique he did last time.

I fail to understand why an adult human thinks that their desire to bottle feed comes above what is best for baby and mother. And don't give me the "bonding with ebf is good for baby" crap. There was once a time when no fathers fed their lo's milk.plenty of dads bond excellently in other ways...yes with oxytocin and the whole shebang. And not a bottle in site.

Sorry...as far as I know adults of other species rarely express views on bottle feeding.

and Sight.

Bertie :)

But "a member of the family is unhappy about the family dynamic" because he has decided that a three-month-old baby 'doesn't like him' and, furthermore, he has refused to consider playing with her or any other means of bonding besides bottle-feeding, to the extent of storming out when that's suggested.

I really don't think that the problem here is that the OP isn't treating him with respect or failing to consider the options.

My dd's dad isn't around, but at 15 weeks she loves my dad, because he plays with her and carries her round for hours. It is actually easier for him to sit with her and do things as the minute I pick her up she looks for food, even though I had to switch to ff at 4 weeks. Feeding is not the only way to bond with baby.

An adult man who is an experienced father saying, of a 3 month old "she doesn't like me" really needs to grow up and get his act together. not be pandered to, and patted on the head.

Ruby how are things now? Has the situation improved at all?

Just an update for anyone with the same problem, my dd is now nearly 8 months old and my dh coudlnt be better with her. We had a big chat about it at the time and since the problem Ive tried to stand back and give him more time with her and bath her like some people suggested and they are getting closer by the day. I think it was because she was the second dd and he had bonded so closely with our first that he struggled to adjust at first. I'm learning more and more that things tend to get better in time if they are left and not made such a big issue.